Gavin and Aaron stood in front of me with blank stares as I stood inside their apartment.

        I came over unannounced because it was time to face this issue. I didn't say it enough, but I loved these guys. They were my boys and practically my brothers. I didn't like having this tension between us.

        "Why are you here, Darian?" Gavin asked.

        Aaron rolled his eyes. "Kenji not giving him any so he's calling us to pass time while his blue balls recover."

        "That was disturbingly graphic," I said, even though I wasn't fazed. Actually, I got plenty earlier, but I chose to keep that to myself.

        "It's Aaron, what do you expect?" Gavin reminded.

        "We haven't hung out so long that he's forgetting my ways," Aaron said, the corner of his lips lifting into a smirk.

        "I know," I agreed. "I'm an ass."

        "When are you not?" they said together.

        "Ouch!" I touched my chest, and they sent me a look. "You right, you right. I am an ass, but I'm your ass." I paused. "That sounded a lot better in my head than it did out loud."

        "That shit shouldn't have even sounded okay in your head," Aaron said, and the three of us burst into laughter.

        We weren't talking or awkwardly staring at each other anymore. We were laughing as if nothing happened, and that was why I loved my boys. They were simple, supportive and laid back. I couldn't imagine my live without them.

        "I'm sorry," I said once we went quiet. "I'll never abandon you guys. I may have ditched Kenji and the others in high school, but that was the young and foolish Darian. My balls hadn't dropped yet, and I was childish and immature. I didn't know a damn good thing even if that shit gave me a TKO. The guy who could drop his friends without a second thought isn't here anymore. I would never do that again, especially not to you two."

        Aaron uncrossed his arms. "You mean it, jackass?"

        "I mean it," I said. "I'm going to keep talking to Kenji and the others, but that doesn't mean I'm going to leave you guys behind. Hell no! You'll need to castrate my ass before that happens."

        "Dude, don't play like that," Aaron said, even though the humor was clear in his voice.

        "For real," Gavin added. "Castration is a serious thing."

        It was. Just the thought made me cringe, but I wanted them to know I wasn't joking. If I put my balls on the line, they better believe I wasn't playing.

       "But hopefully that never happens," I said. "I like my dick the way it is, and Kenji likes it, too, so let's keep it intact."

        "You're a mess, Darian." Gavin ruffled my hair, pushing my head forward in the process.

        I smacked his arm away and walked over to the couch. "Speaking of Kenji, we have to work out with him."

        The list said "Darian and the goons," so it was time I included the other "goons."

        My boys walked over, and we all sat down on the couch. "He needs to work out?" Gavin asked, and I nodded. "To get in shape? Or for his depression? Or both?" I scratched my head, confused that he knew. "Honoka told me about his situation."

        Man. Everyone was filling my boys in. Everyone but me. I needed to step it up.

        "Both, I guess," I answered. "I think it'll be good for everyone. It'll elevate his mood, keep him in shape, and Kenji will get to hang with you two. The both of you can also get to know him better."

        "How is Kenji, by the way?" Gavin asked. "From personal experience, I know that depression takes a toll on a person."

        Aaron and I jerked back in shock. "You were depressed?" I asked.

        Since when?

        "No," Gavin said. "My mom has dealt with depression most of her life."

        Was this an epidemic?

        I never thought about mental health until Kenji started struggling with it. From the look on Aaron's face, this piece of information was new to him, too.

        "But seriously," Gavin kept going. "How's Kenji?"

        "He's good." I adjusted myself on the couch, so I could look at my boys. "He's taking his meds. He's going to therapy, both individual and group therapy. Surprisingly, he likes group therapy more than individual therapy. He's eat—"

        "I'm not asking about his treatment plan, Darian," Gavin cut in. "I'm asking about where his head is at—mentally." I stared at him, lost for words, so Gavin elaborated. "The meds are mostly there to help with the physical, but it takes longer to recover from the mental and emotional aspects of depression."

        "He seems fine."

        "Is he really?" Gavin asked. "Seeming okay is different from actually being okay."

        If he wasn't he would tell me. Right? Kenji seemed to be doing well, but this conversation left an unsettling feeling in me.

        "I'm not trying to bust your happy bubble, Darian." Gavin clasped a hand on my shoulder. "Just be there for him because that's all you can do."

        "Yeah, definitely." I tried to brush it off, but that unease persisted.

        I needed a drink, so I stood up to walk to the kitchen. "Get me a beer while you're at it," Aaron called out from the living room.

        I grabbed my Dr. Pepper. "Bitch, what am I? Your servant?"

        I grabbed a beer.

        "Get me a drink, too," Gavin piped in.

        "I'm your visitor." I grabbed a Pepsi for him. "Your asses should be serving me."

        "Why would we do that though?" Aaron appeared genuinely confused as I returned to the living room. "It's you." I chucked the beer at him, and he caught it with one hand. "Whoa! You're lucky my reflexes are on point because that would have been a cold mess."

        I handed Gavin his pop before sitting on the table, preferring to face them. We opened our drinks and each took a swig. It was exceptionally refreshing.

        "So Darian," Gavin started, "you don't drink anymore?"

        "Nope," I said. "I'm trying to quit smoking, too."

        "Trying or succeeding?" Gavin asked.

        I still smoked. Before, I thought I could stop smoking altogether and be completely fine, but this shit wasn't easy. I couldn't go cold turkey, but I could reduce my daily smokes and reduce how many cigarettes I smoked each time.

        "It's a process," I said. "It takes time and patience, but I'll get there. Kenji got me this nicotine patch." I poked my arm where the patch laid. "Maybe it'll help speed it up."

        "Good for you, Darian," Aaron said. "Couldn't be me." He drank his beer.

        I didn't want him to be me, just like I didn't want to be Gavin. We all had our different ideologies and mindsets, and that was okay.

        We pulled out Aaron's new Xbox, and it was like nothing changed at all.

        Later that evening, I went to my parents' house, and my father sat on the living room couch watching a golf tournament.

No.

        This was the wrong time to want to "bond" with him. I hoped he wouldn't make me watch the tournament with him.

        "Are you just going to stand there, Darian, or are you going to walk over?" My father's eyes remained on the screen as he spoke.

        I sat beside him. "I'm here to spend some time with you."

        My father chuckled. "Is this a joke?"

        "No, it isn't." My firm tone got his attention. "I've always wanted to spend time with you, ever since elementary school, but you shut me out. You were always too busy or it wasn't your style. Then I stopped trying in high school, but I'm ready to try again. I don't want to be that guy who has a father but feels like he lacks a prominent male figure in his life."

        My father's forehead wrinkled. "You make it sound like I'm a deadbeat dad."

        "You're not a deadbeat," I said, "but we can do better. We both can, and it's time we start trying."

        I couldn't just stand on the side, being envious of Kenji and his father's relationship. I needed to put in the effort to change things.

        My father smiled. "When did my son become a man?" I chuckled. "Maybe cutting you off was the best thing I ever did."

   I didn't know about that...

        "I want to spend more time home, Dad," I confessed. "I want to be with you, mom, and the girls."

        "Then spend more time home," he said. "This is your house, too, no matter where you live, and you may not feel like it at times, but we're here for you."

        I wiped along my jaw, searching for the right words. "Kenji and I are close again."

   Say it.

        "That's good." My father nodded in approval. "You two were always together when you were younger. I'm glad you've rekindled that friendship. Kenji's always been a good influence on you. Much better than those clowns you—" He stopped himself when he noticed the look I was giving him. "Kenji is a good boy, and you could use his friendship."

        "Y-yeah." I cleared my throat. "We're really close. Closer than before."

Say it.

        "Good," my father said. "It's always nice to strengthen old friendships."

        For the first time, I hated the word "friendship."

Say it.

        "Speaking of old friendships," My father said, shifting gears, "Remember Dr. Jacobson's daughter, Lily? The girl you used to play with at the country club?"

        Oh, yeah. She was an entitled brat. I was only around her because for those rare moments, I was stuck with my dad. Unfortunately, he always stuck me with her.

        I nodded, and he kept going. "I haven't seen them in years, but they've returned to Shirley Heights and the country club. Lily has transformed into a beautiful young woman. She has such poise, like a real lady."

        "Why don't you date her, Dad?" I placed my ankle onto my knee and grabbed the back of the couch.

        "Not funny, Darian." He held back a smile. "The Jacobsons are having a get-together, and our family is going, which includes you."

        I sat up straight. "You're not hooking me up with this chick."

        Not only because I was gay but because this girl did not sound like my type at all.

        "I never said that was my intention," my father said. "It's just a gathering, and our family is attending. You're an Ansel, so you should be there."

        "Can Kenji come?"

        Kenji invited me to his family barbecue, and he granted me access to a part of his world. Even though we didn't stay glued to each other's hips the whole time, I felt close to him. I wanted to allow him to see a part of my world, too.

        A world I didn't fit into, but it was still my reality.

        "Why would Kenji come?" My father seemed genuinely confused. "This is a family matter."

        I frowned. "Yes, because the Jacobsons are definitely family."

        My father wasn't enamored by my sarcasm. "You know what I mean. This will be our family coming together for the first time in months."

        "If this was really about our family, the Jacobsons wouldn't be coming at all."

        "They're hosting the event." His voice rose in volume.

        "Then let's have it at our house," I said, sending my father a defiant look. "Let's have it be just the family since that's what this is all about."

        He sighed. "Don't be argumentative, Darian."

        I wasn't arguing. I was seeing through his bullshit.

        "Let Kenji come," I said.

        He sent me a side glance. "Don't do this again."

        "Do what?" Now, I was confused.

        "Making everything about Kenji," he said, and the two of us stared at each other without saying a word.

Say it.

        "You did it when you two were younger," he went on. "It was always Kenji, Kenji, Kenji. Don't do it now. You've both grown up, and I'm glad you're renewing your friendship, but you also need to move forward. You need to make plans for your future."

        "I am," I said. "Kenji is part of my future."

        The air around us stilled and became silent.

        My father's brows furrowed together, and he pursed his lips. "That's not what I meant. A lot of people are part of your future. I'm part of your future. Your mother and sisters are part of your future. Even those two—" He stopped himself. "Even Gavin and Aaron are probably part of your future." That was better. "But right now, you need to open yourself to new experiences. New people and new situations."

        "You want me to be more open-minded," I stated.

        He grinned. "Yes!"

Wow. One of the least open-minded men I knew was telling me to be more open-minded.

        "What does this have to do with me wanting Kenji to come to the gathering?"

        "Because," my father began, "if Kenji comes, you'll stick to what you know, and that's Kenji. You won't talk to Dr. Jacobson or Lily. It'll be a wasted opportunity."

        "But this is about family, right, Dad?" I smiled innocently. "Why should it matter whether or not I talk to Dr. Jacobson or Lily? I should only care about spending time with you, mom and the girls, right?"

        My father ran both hands down his face with a deep exhale. "Why are you so difficult, Darian?"

   Sorry that I have a mind of my own and can challenge you.

        "Fine," he said while throwing his arms up. "I want you to get to know Lily. That's why we're doing this."

        "Thank you," I said. "I just want you to be real with me. But I'm not into Lily. I actually hated her when we were younger, so..."

        "She's grown up. Just like you."

        "Still not interested."

        "You've never had a girlfriend," he pointed out. "I know you've been with girls and have engaged in casual sex. I'm not a fool, Darian. It's not admirable, but you've done it. But you've never had a girlfriend."

Say it.

        In high school, some of the girls considered themselves my girlfriend. Whatever made them sleep at night.

        "Lily Jacobson is not gonna become my girlfriend," I told him. "If anything, I'm more interested in spending time with you. With mom and the girls. That's what I'm interested in doing at that gathering because you're right, Dad. The five of us haven't hung out in months, so maybe that's what we should all be focusing on."

        I didn't give two fucks about some irrelevant girl from my past.

        "You're right," my father said, to my surprise. "We need to focus on the family, so we will. But..." Here we go. "Keep an open mind with Lily and Dr. Jacobson and anyone else who happens to show up. You may be surprised by what you find."

        I would go to the gathering, not for him. I would go for me. I needed my family.

        "Okay, enough of this talk," my father said with a clap of his hands. "You came to spend some time with me, so let's do that. You're not a golf aficionado like me, so that's off the table. What do you want to do?"

        He looked to me for an answer, and I tilted my head to the side before saying, "What about video games? I've never played you before."

        My father grimaced. "Video games? I'm too old for that."

        "You're never too old for video games." I stood up with a grin. "C'mon, let's go to my apartment. I have a couple games that use virtual reality, and it's dope as hell." My father frowned. "Language. Sorry. But it is dope. You'll like it, and I bet you've never tried it. Keep an open mind."

        "Okay." He stood up as well. "You're using my words against me, so I'll do it." He walked past me. "You're driving."

        I jogged to catch up to him. "Of course, I'm driving." I placed an arm around his shoulders. "I wanna get there before the day is over."

        He chuckled. "You think you're funny."

        My father grabbed his jacket, wallet and phone before we headed out. The virtual reality games were exciting and enjoyable, but laughing with my dad and jokingly trash-talking each other as we played was the best part.

        Kenji was right. It wasn't about what we did but who I did it with, and I was more than satisfied with my current company.

        Even if that company wanted to set me up with a girl, not knowing I was gay.

        I never did say it.

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* What do you guys think about the goons reuniting? Gavin's sage advice? Darian and his father? Darian struggling to come out to him?

* This update is late, but I sacrificed dinner to get it out to you guys. I wasn't as productive as I wanted to be on spring break, so I'm suffering now. It's okay because this update breaks the stagnancy of procrastination and allowing schoolwork to dictate every aspect of my life. Hope you enjoyed! 😁