Half an hour after "visiting" Arya, I walked into my apartment and collapsed on the couch. I rubbed my hands down my face to calm myself and stop the tears that were threatening to spill.

        That was it I guess. There was nothing I could do to get Arya to forgive me. It was up to her at this point, and from the look of things, she wouldn't ever forgive me. I guess nine years of friendship was all Arya and I were going to get.

        The thought almost made me lose my fight against my tears, but luckily my phone rang. I answered. "Hello?"

        "Moshi moshi," Tou-san greeted from across the line.

        "Moshi moshi, Tou-san." I was happy to hear my father's voice, but I knew something was up. Every time he called, there was always a purpose. Whether to make sure I was behaving, checking up on me or Honoka, informing us about something, etc. Tou-san wasn't into aimless chatter.

        "I know you're enjoying college life and all, musuko, but don't forget about your family."

        I scrunched my face. "What are you talking about? Honoka and I both call you at least twice a week?"

        "I'm not talking about me." Here we go. "I'm talking about your kaa-san."

        I rolled my eyes. That woman hadn't been my kaa-san since she left my tou-san. She was only mother now. "Tou-san..."

        "Kenji, she hasn't heard from you in months. I know you and your mother hardly talk already, but college isn't your chance to cut her out of your life."

Why not? She cut us off when she chose Caroline Leigh.

        "Call her," Tou-san demanded. "She'll always be your mother. It's been years. You need to learn to forgive her. How can you expect forgiveness when you won't give it in return?"

        For as long as I could remember, my father always knew the right thing to say at the right time. This moment wasn't any different, which was borderline scary. "But—"

        "No, buts. Call your kaa-san. She'll love to hear from you."

        "Tou-san," I groaned.

        "Musuko, call her." He hung up before I could reply.

        I sighed heavily but still dialed her number. I was angry at my mother, but Tou-san was right. I wanted forgiveness, but here I was not willing to give it to my own mother. Still, the realization didn't make me any less upset, but I was going to give in this once.

Arya's rejection fucked with me that much.

        "Kenji-kun?" my mother answered, making me roll my eyes.

        "Hai," I responded in a bored tone.

        "Kenji!" I didn't miss the excitement in her voice. "It's great hearing from you. I haven't talked to you in forever."

        "Hai."

        "Genki desu ka?"

        "Genki desu." I wasn't fine, but she had no right to that information.

My mother waited for me to say more, probably wanting me to ask how she was doing, but I didn't. Wasn't interested.

        "I heard from Honoka that you two have been spending time with Clay and Alissa lately."

        "We have."

        "That's great!" I could hear the smile in her voice. "I also heard you and Darian have been doing well, too."

        I smiled. "Hai." For the first time since our conversation started, my tone held interest.

        "I'm glad. You two were always close. Darian was your ichiban." I chuckled. When I was younger, I always called Darian my ichiban.

Ichiban was Japanese for number one.

"It was so sad how you boys drifted apart," my mother said.

        I frowned. Yeah. Just like how me and my mother drifted apart, too. I moved from having a mazakon mentality to not even wanting to see or talk to my mother. Now, that was sad.

"How are you doing?" I finally asked, just to make her feel better and steer the conversation in a different direction.

        "Great actually. Caroline and I got a new dog." My expression dropped with my shoulders.

        Caroline Leigh. She just had to bring Caroline Leigh up. The woman who made me confront the fact that my mother was a lesbian and the woman who reminded me that my parents' marriage was all a lie. The union I came from was a lie. The woman who robbed me of my mother for five years. She had to bring that woman up.

My mother didn't seem to notice my shift in mood because she kept going on and on about Caroline Leigh and their fucking dogs.

        Like I gave two shits.

        She sounded so bubbly, and I couldn't miss the love in her voice. The love she never had for my father. Not once did I remember her sounding like this when she spoke of Tou-san, but here she was. Gushing over Caroline Leigh.

        I tried listening and I tried containing the anger that was building inside of me. I even tried pushing the tears back that were on the brink of falling. I tried. I really did, but I couldn't.

        "I have to go, Mom." I jumped off of the couch—my phone and apartment keys in hand and my jacket intact.

"Is everything okay?"

        "Everything's fine," I lied. "I have to hang up now. Jaa mata." Before she could respond, I hung up and was out the door after putting on my Jordans, making my way to the bus stop for the second time today.

        All the emotions coursing through me were too much. From the memories of how our friendship group was formed to the memories of when I first found out about Camila's death to Arya's rejection and now the reminder of my mother's betrayal. It was all overwhelming, and I felt like I was going to explode—and not the good kind of explode.

        I needed Darian.

        So I got on the bus and made it to his apartment in less than fifteen minutes. I practically ran up the stairs and was knocking on his door before I registered what was happening.

        As I waited for him to answer, I couldn't stand still. I was all jittery and leaning from one foot to the other repeatedly. I only relaxed when he opened the door.

        "Kenji?" Darian cocked his head to the side.

        My eyes dropped to his exposed chest, and I bit my lip. I never realized how much I liked chest hair until I became aware of Darian's. It wasn't too bushy, but it was just the right amount of hair to highlight his masculinity.

        "Kenji!" He waved his hand in my face to get my attention before smirking. "I know I'm sexy and all, but come on, man. Get a grip."

        We both laughed, and I already felt a little better. I needed this. I needed him, and his chest being exposed for my eyes to take in made it even easier. It would be no time before a boner formed.

        "I need your 'help'," I blurted out.

        Darian's eyes expanded. "Uhh..." He averted his gaze.

        "Kenji?" A voice said from inside of the apartment. Darian opened the door wider, so I stretched my neck to get a look at someone sitting on the couch.

        Gavin.

Oh, fuck. Did he hear all of that?

        Blood rushed to my cheeks while Darian scratched the back of his head, still avoiding my gaze. "Gavin," I said as I walked in. Darian closed the door behind me.

        Honoka got back from the gym earlier, so I knew Gavin wasn't with her anymore. I just didn't think he would be here. Then again, he and Darian were pretty close. A crease formed in my forehead.

        "You okay?" Gavin asked with an eyebrow quirked while I removed my shoes.

        "Yeah, Kenji," Darian added, placing his hand on my shoulder as I stood upright. "What's up?"

        "Nothing." I focused on Darian. "I needed a friend that's all." His expression relaxed. Saying the words made me realize that I did need a friend.

        I needed a friend right now more than I needed benefits.

        "You don't want to talk about it because I'm here," Gavin stated, standing up and making his way over to us.

         "What?" I chuckled. "No."

         Yes.

        Gavin crossed his arms, not buying it. "It's okay. I get it." He didn't get it. I felt like shit, and I wanted to punch something or get sucked off or yell in the company of a friend. That was what I wanted. "But I know that look. That's the look of someone who needs to get off some steam, and I know the perfect way to do just that."

        He patted my back before walking past me, and Darian and I turned around to face him. "Where're we going?" I snuck my hands into my pockets.

        "Put your shirt on, Darian, and put on your shoes, Kenji. We're going boxing," Gavin announced.

        My face split into a grin. "Hell yeah," I shouted.

        When we walked into the boxing gym, I felt like a kid in a candy store. The punching bags surrounded us, the heavy bags were hung around and the mats were laid out. I even caught a glimpse of the ring—empty but still cool as hell.

        "This is so fucking dope." I continued to scan the area, mesmerized.

        Darian clasped a hand on my shoulder. "If boxing is what it takes to get your attention, Kenji, I should have done this shit in high school."

What?

        Darian paused, his grip tightening on my shoulder. "I...I didn't..." He gulped. Red crept on his face while I fought back a snicker.

        "Okay, Kenji," Gavin said, wrapping an arm around my shoulder while Darian dropped his, still frozen, "whenever I'm filled with emotion and don't know what to do with myself, this is my safe space."

        "I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Darian said, turning to leave. My eyes followed him. What was up with him? He'd been so weird ever since we started reconnecting.

        Gavin patting my back brought me back to the task at hand, and we changed into some shorts and a wife beater that we got from Darian's place.

        This was one thing I hated about sports. The attire was anything but flattering. Wife beaters may have looked good on Darian, but they were too basic for my liking. And don't get me started on the athletic shoes. I sucked it up and put them on though, and we got the boxing mitts as well.

        "Sorry about your tournament," I said, remembering how Honoka told me that Gavin lost to his opponent. Not by much, but enough to not win.

        And apparently, Aaron wasn't playing around. He and Darian were screaming louder than the groupies—louder than Honoka.

        Gavin shrugged. "There's always next time, and it was only my first one. That's why I have to train harder and train better. Can't have a match that close again. I'm winning next time."

        "I respect that." I sent him one upward nod, and he returned it.

        "Whenever shit hits the fan," Gavin said, testing out a few hits and hooks before zeroing in on me, "I come here. This is where I can release my 'goon' tendencies."

        "Your 'goon' tendencies?"

        "That's what you and your friends call us, right?" He eyes bore through mine. "Goons. You think we're goons, so it's our job to prove you wrong." He threw a left hook at the bag. "My job to prove you wrong. I have to prove to everyone that I'm no longer a goon because I'm better than that." He steadied the punching bag. "People think it's hard changing, but it's even harder changing people's perception of you."

        A pang of guilt ran through me. "I'm sorry."

        "Don't be." He shook his head. "This helps." He motioned around us. "The regular workouts. This boxing gym. My new lifestyle. Honoka. It all makes it easier, and they keep me focused. Focused on the task at hand—which is becoming the man I want to be. When I have those tendencies to drink or smoke or cause mayhem or return to the goon Gavin, I can come here. I can let all that anger and aggression out and pretend this punching bag is what I'm pissed at. I can re-channel that energy into something useful. Something that won't waste the one life I have."

        His eyes narrowed in thought before he returned to his hits—moving with precision and purpose. I watched him in awe.

Gavin had always been the leanest of the goons, but like me, he was the tallest with dark hair and the friendliest smile, which always seemed odd on such a troublesome person. Even though he wasn't as ripped as Darian or Aaron, he was by no means weak, and the ripple in the bag from his hits reminded me of that.

        I always saw Gavin and Aaron as nothing more than two goons who stole my best friend and led him down a dark path, but as I watched Gavin now, with goals and a past and his own personal demons, I saw a person. Gavin and Aaron were people.

        People I didn't know. I didn't know them, so I had no right judging them.

        "Wanna try?" Gavin asked right as Darian returned, walking towards us.

        I turned to Darian with my arms crossed. "Jerking off in the bathroom?"

        Gavin rolled his eyes. "Geez."

        "Fuck you, Kenji," Darian retaliated with a playful glint in his eyes.

        I smirked when his words seemed to register in his mind. His expression soon lost its smugness and a clouded look crossed his features.

        He wish he could.

        I winked at him and turned away.

        "Okay..." Gavin watched the two of us with a brow raised. "Anyways," he continued as I refocused in on him, "like I said, wanna try?"

        "Sure." I put my boxing mitts into place. "But I want the heavy bag, and I want Darian to hold it." The three of us went silent.

        "What?" Gavin asked.

        I turned to Darian, holding eye contact with him. "I want Darian to hold the heavy bag as I beat the shit out of it."

        Darian chuckled. "I know what this is." He made his way around to grab a hold of the nearest heavy bag. "You want to pretend it's me you're beating the shit out of. Don't you?"

        I winked again, messing around, but deep down, he was partially right. I hated to admit it, but I wasn't completely over what he did to me junior year. I wanted to fully forgive him, but those sore feelings I accumulated over the years couldn't just disappear over the course of a few weeks. I needed more time, so for now, I was going to take Gavin's advice.

        I was going to unleash my inner goon on this heavy bag.

So we left the punching bag and moved over to the heavy bag Darian was holding.

        "Okay, Kenji," Gavin prepped, "hit and punch however you like. This isn't a match. It isn't a tournament. None of that matters. Just do what you have to do and let it all out. Don't hold back."

        I nodded, and Darian grinned. "Don't hold back, Kenji." I raised my fists and parted my legs, twisting my body in preparation. "Remember that time we put you in the hospital?"

       Gavin's head snapped to Darian, and I slit my eyes. "Darian," Gavin warned.

        Darian shook his head. "We have to unleash that anger, right?" His eyes remained on me. "Think about it. That night when we beat the shit out of you. Leaving you alone in the cold to call your dad for help. Think about how you spent a week in the hospital, with only your tou-san and that annoying Latina." I tightened my fists. "None of us were there for you, Kenji. Not Camila. Not Arya. Not Alissa. Not Clay. Not me. Not even Honoka, your own sister."

"Darian!" Gavin shouted.

I released a harsh exhale as the rage built up.

        "No, he has to hear this," Darian said. "He has to become pissed. Pissed and let it show." I glared at Darian, but he didn't back down. "Let us know how pissed you are now and how pissed you were then. Let it show, Kenji. Don't fucking hold back."

        "Baka!" I shouted, sending a punch straight for the spot near his face. Darian almost stumbled back, releasing a grunt. I didn't stop. I was just getting started. "Teme. You're a fucking asshole, Darian." I threw another powerful hit, using all the power I could muster. He groaned as the heavy bag slammed into him again, but he maintained his firm grasp. "Why are you such a dick?"

        Gavin took a step back, and Darian grinned while I kept swinging. "Yeah! Keeping going, Kenji. Tell me everything you wanted to tell me all those years ago. Call me out. Hell, call everyone out." My breathing increased, becoming erratic. "Call your mother out. Call Caroline out." He huffed, laughing. "Call Arya out. Call all of us out!" I groaned, throwing another punch his way. "That's what I'm talking about. Let it out. We deserve to know your pain. We deserve to be called out for our shit."

        I swung, repeatedly and even through the mitts, my fists ached. I pretended the heavy bag was my mother. It was her I was knocking the shit out of. For abandoning me. For choosing Caroline Leigh, who I swung at, too. Hitting even harder than before.

        "Baita!" I shouted, envisioning Caroline Leigh's head of blonde hair. I swung at the bag again. "Fucking bitch."

        "Yeah," Darian prompted. "Knock the shit out of that bitch." Then my mind shifted to Arya, and my nostrils flared.

        How could she turn against me like this?

        How could she act like nine years of friendship meant nothing?

        "How could you, Arya?" My voice cracked at the end as my arms slowed their assault, falling to my sides with my chest heaving and my shoulders rising and falling rapidly. "How could you?" I whispered.

        "Kenji," Darian said, and I glared at him.

        "You!" I snatched the mitts off of my hands and threw them onto the floor. "You bastard!" I grabbed a hold of his shirt and pushed him back. Darian grabbed onto my wrists, but he didn't resist. He allowed me to slam him against the nearest wall, and my grip tightened on his wife beater. "How could you, of all people?"

        He remained silent, staring at me while I fought back the heavy feeling in my eyes, and the adrenaline pumping through my body.

        "You're the worst," I cried out, getting in his face and pressing him harder against the wall. "You were my best friend. You were my partner in crime. You were my ichiban." My voice trailed off on the last part, and his expression softened. "But you treated me like I meant nothing to you. For four years, I meant nothing to you."

        "Kenji," Gavin called out, taking a step towards us.

        "No," Darian said, stopping him with his hand. "Let him finish."

        "Oh, I'm gonna finish," I said. "You're an asshole, and I shouldn't give two fucks about you, but I do for some fucked up reason. Even when you turned against me, even when you tortured me for a year, even when you beat the shit out of me, I still fucking care about you." His lips tugged upwards. "Don't fucking smile," I yelled in his face, but his expression remained, not fazed. "You never deserved my friendship. You treated me like shit."

        "You don't deserve that, Kenji."

        "Hell yeah, I don't," I yelled.

        "Then don't take it!" he hollered back, bringing his face closer to mine and leaving only an inch between us. Our noses almost touched as our gaze locked on each other. "Don't take it, Kenji," he said through gritted teeth. "Let the world know when you're angry. Don't let us get away with treating you like shit. Don't let us get away with hurting you. Show us who we're messing with. Show us not to fuck with you. Show us how you should be treated." I released him, stepping back. "You don't deserve this. Not from anyone. Not even me." His eyes stuck to mine, following every step I took. "You don't deserve this." I stared past him, numbness replacing the fire in my veins. "Kenji," Darian said, watching me as I continued to walk backwards.

        Once my legs couldn't support me anymore, I sat on the ground, resting my arms on my knees with my blank stare intact as my breathing slowly returned to normal. He moved to sit beside me, leaving barely any space between us, but I didn't stop him. I felt completely numb.

We remained silent, staring ahead with the gym practically empty, which I was grateful for. Even Gavin had left sometime during my outburst, and I was glad. I didn't want anyone seeing me like this.

        Right now, only Darian had the right to see my pain.

        Even if he didn't deserve to.

        "Feeling better?" he asked, bumping his knee against mine and I fought it, but a smile peeked on the corner of my lips. I bumped his knee back.

        "Yeah," I mumbled. "A little better."

        The numbness was gone now, replaced with calm and ease.

        Darian chuckled. "Good." I remained silent, and even as he watched me, I stared at the wall in front of us. I didn't feel like talking. For the first time, I wanted to be allowed to feel without any inhibitions, so we stayed like that for a while, him watching me while I tried to get my cool back. "Kenji." Darian placed a hand on my shoulder and I peeked his way, staring between his eyes instead of in them. "Your pain doesn't always have to be private." I looked away. "No, don't do that." He grabbed my chin and turned my head to face him. My eyes finally met his, his grip on my chin soft but firm. "Look at me and listen to me." I didn't look away, so his hand dropped to his side. "You don't have to keep everything in."

        "If I don't keep everything in, people will think I'm weak," I muttered. "I'm a lot of things, Darian, but I'm not weak."

        "I know you're not weak," he said.

        "People don't have the right to see my pain. My weakness."

        "That isn't weakness. It's okay to be pissed," he reassured. "It's okay to be hurt, and it's okay to let the world know you're pissed and hurt. There's nothing wrong with that. That doesn't make you a bad person." His foot brushed mine. "That doesn't make you a goon." I scoffed. "Being pissed and hurt makes you human. There's nothing wrong with being human."

       "I know, Darian."

        "Do you?" He didn't look convinced.

        The corner of my lips curled up. "I know now."

        His shoulders relaxed and his back straighten as a look of relief crossed his face. "Good." I nodded, still watching him. "I said it before, but I'll say it again. I do care about you, Kenji." I resisted the urge to laugh. "I mean it. I cared about you then. I care about you now, and I'll always care about you. Nothing can change that." I searched his eyes for a sign of insincerity but found none. "You mean the world to me, and I'm never abandoning you again." I squinted my eyes, not believing what he was saying. "I learned from my mistakes. I've realized that nothing good comes from me staying away from you, so I'm done trying. I don't deserve your friendship, and I don't deserve you. But that doesn't mean I don't want it. I want your friendship, and I want you."

        I raised a brow, wondering if he knew just how sexual and overly-romantic his words sounded.

For once he wasn't fazed by his weird choice of words, so I let it go. "You don't deserve me or my friendship." His hand let go of my shoulder. "But I want you, too." I smirked, imitating his words, and he rolled his eyes.

        "You better want me," he muttered. We laughed and pushed each other back as if I didn't lose my cool a few minutes ago.

        I was glad though because I was itching to beat the shit out of that bag again. My mother. Caroline Leigh. Arya. Darian. Everyone who had ever hurt me or pissed me off. I wanted them to know just how pissed and hurt I was—even if it was goon-ish.

        "You guys good?" Gavin popped his head into the gym, glancing between me and Darian, who peered back at him.

        Darian peeped my way, and I smiled before he returned his attention to Gavin with a grin of his own. "We're good." His eyes moved to mine, and our gaze locked. "We're okay," he corrected.

        We weren't good just yet, but we were okay.

        Gavin sighed. "Thank God." He joined us on the floor. The three of us sat there with Darian and Gavin goofing off and taunting each other while I watched Darian. I probably looked like a creeper, but I didn't care.

I was happy and relieved, and I was going to let it show. Let it show because one person gave me the courage to do so.

        My ichiban.

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* I'm SO SORRY! I haven't updated in a WEEK and I definitely broke my update schedule! I'm so sorry, and since I don't want this happening again and finals are coming up, I think it's best for me to just update "regularly". I'll aim for at least twice a week, but I don't want to make promises for certain days because I just won't know when I'll have time to update this month. I'll try not to let you guys down though.

* For some reason, this chapter really tripped me up, and I almost didn't write it, but boy am I glad I did.

* I don't know why, but this chapter is my favorite chapter so far in the story. I REALLY like it, and I feel like all the hardships and hard work I put in paid off after all.

* What did you guys think? Liked it? Comment your thoughts. I hope you guys enjoyed it, too.

* Song is "Lost" by Coldplay ft. Jay-Z