The higher you climb, the further we are

**

Bam was a god now. His ascent was inevitable and he had become unstoppable.

By the time they reached floor hundred and twenty one, he was the subject of every whisper – behind the closed doors of the ten families, on the lips of the young regulars – he's the irregular, the chosen one, they would murmur in terror and awe.

Twenty floors ago, there were still powerful skeptics who influenced the public opinion and few dissented from this majority. Twenty floors later, the controversy was no longer whether Bam was worthy, but when he would overthrow Jahad.

Becoming a god came with responsibilities and having compassion hurt – Bam unfortunately had tons of it. He felt connected to everyone and felt responsible for everything. He had to learn to carry the Tower or be crushed by it. He had to be strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with his worst horrors.

Everyone wanted something from Bam. They wanted his power, his conviction or – his affection.

Khun only wanted Bam.

*

Being a god was always the start of beautiful troubles and inescapable sacrifices.

Bam was no mollycoddle now. He had harnessed the power of innocent souls before and his hands had spilled blood, but there was always a first time for everything. When Jahad's Vice Commander used Miseng as a shield, he was forced to raise his traitorous bow to spear an arrow through both their chests – also successfully diffusing a bomb that had ticked down to the last second.

That evening Bam eats his dinner the same way, his good manners a consistency, and he trains the standard six hours till midnight.

Khun follows him silently into his room after the clock strikes twelve and allows Bam to stumble into his arms. Bam clutches the back of Khun's shirt, his fingers desperate, as if he is holding on to his last shred of morality.

His head collides against Khun's chest. Khun, just like every other time, does the only thing he can do for Bam now – he embraces him in that moment of eternity as Bam tips the scales between darkness and light.

Bam holds him as if it's purgatory, and if the journey to heaven is like this, Khun rather Bam not be a god.

*

It takes faith to believe, but it also takes courage not to. Along the way there were those who lost faith. Wang Nan for instance, with Jahad's blood in his bones, stood by his only family and took the side against Bam.

Khun always chose to believe in Bam. In love, a half heart or a whole heart may not make a difference to the ending, but Khun loves with a whole heart anyway.

There are the nights where Bam just needs a break from this madness, and so he takes Bam's hand and pulls him close, requesting for a dance. Bam would laugh at the ridiculousness of his request as he had never danced before, but Khun would not take no for an answer. And so with Bam's arm around his waist reluctantly, they would spin in the room like an orb, their steps taking them to a world with soft grass beneath their feet and some stars.

When they finally stop, breathless, Bam's expression slides to a muted close again, and so Khun reassures him.

"Don't look like this - I'm here with you Bam, wherever you go."

He says it as a promise, so that if he ever fails to keep it, Bam would at least remember that there was a once a time where it meant the world to him.

*

If the Tower placed Bam on a gold pedestal, they placed Khun under the guillotine's blade.

Khun's greatest asset, his intelligent mind, attracted both envy and suspicion. His background and political connections with the Khun family did not go unnoticed; these affiliations were his poison. Mistrust blossomed, and Khun was a trampled flower.

It was a red morning when Bam hears from behind the door that FUG's elders were going to "get rid of the traitorous son of Eduan". His face hollows out and the blood drains from his face, gold eyes withering to grey.

He suddenly remembers that Khun is four walls behind training alone with Sophia Tan and there was not enough time for him to use the doors just in case it's too late – and so the walls between him and Khun disappear in an instant. Bam knocks down the walls like he's a god in a doll house, standing between Sophia and the one that is precious to him.

Khun looks at him shell shocked as the rest of the wall collapses. It's a rare occurrence, but he can tell that Bam is absolutely furious.

If there was one thing more intimate than love, it's trust. Khun's heart curls into a fuzzy little ball when he finds out that Bam's faith in him has never wavered.

*

Bam lies to Khun just once, to spare him the agony of knowing that they had a plan to bring down Maria Jahad.

He knew how she was Khun's soft spot, like a velvet cloud that wouldn't dissipate, for he saw the way his eyes held her silhouette. He says nothing because he is guilty of a similar sin to Rachel which no amount of penance could repair. Bam despite being a god, was terrible at understanding redemption.

Bam and his comrades almost bring Maria down but she was rescued, though unconscious and deeply wounded. He realises that the tragedy of trust is the white lie which slowly makes you color blind. Bam stands in the room confronted by Khun, confronted into confessing that he lied, and Khun looks like he's caught in an endless bad dream.

Bam attempts to elucidate his good intentions but Khun is unmoved. Bam is already one step from oblivion, standing on nothing but his own will, and something in him snaps.

"Is it because you still love Maria?" His tone comes out colder than he expects it to be.

He would forever remember the answer that was given to him.

"No," Khun says, and his voice breaks. "It's because I love you."

*

Romantic affection was always not part of the equation to being a god.

Khun closes the door behind him, leaving Bam alone in the room. Bam could be horribly obtuse when it came to romantic love, but he was sure that Bam recognised a love confession when he hears one. After all, Khun wasn't the first – Endorsi had beat him to it at least ten floors down.

They didn't talk about Khun's confession the next time they met, nor the day after. Nor the week after. Khun is a master at acting nonchalant now and talks his heart out of harboring any hopes. His mind as usual is alarmingly persuasive. Yet the very essence of romance is uncertainty, and an intimate sentiment continues to singe through his skin each time he sees Bam.

There was an important battle the following week with Jahad's army and the political tension between FUG and Wolhaiksong was at its high. They attempt to influence Bam in different directions, each driving their own agendas – Khun has had enough. Bam didn't become a god to answer anyone's prayers, and Khun drives a dagger through the table to make a point.

Bam meets Khun's eyes again properly for the first time since the day of confession, and Khun is content to have nothing more.

*

When a god goes to battle, his guardian angel gives a blessing.

Khun has a distaste for these moments when he uses the firefish. It's either because Bam is hurt, or because he's being reinforced for an important battle. As the flames encircle them in a scarlet haze, Khun rests a hand on Bam's shoulder. He's relieved when Bam doesn't move away. "Come back soon," he says quietly.

He doesn't dare tell Bam that he would always be waiting.

Bam fights – of course a god wins, and the Tower is enraptured again with his power. He stands erectly as his chest heaves from the adrenaline of combat. Out of the corner of his eye he spies a glimmer, he blinks, and the aircraft which Khun is in explodes. Bam feels nothing, not the pain from his raw wounds, not the wind whipping in his ears. He bolts for the aircraft as if there's no tomorrow.

If he was truly a god, he would never let a single person beside him get hurt again. Bam grits his teeth till he tastes blood. Khun can't die – Bam still has to let Khun know his answer.

*

Bam gives Khun his answer wordlessly.

He's the one who offers a dance now, and Khun is surprised when Bam puts a palm against his back to draw him close. They perform an amateur rendition of a dance in the room and as they spin round and round, Bam takes Khun to a special place in his heart.

It is only when he asks for Khun to stay the night did Khun for the first time wrangle with Bam's intentions. Khun slides under the covers – they had shared a bed before, but never like this – and hardly dares to breathe. Khun showed praiseworthy restraint, but when Bam turned to his side to close the gap between their lips, his control dissolved like a snowflake in a bonfire.

He's waited more than twenty years, but he kisses Bam slowly. There was nothing said; kisses were designed to stop speech when words became superfluous. He tilts his head to deepen the kiss, and Bam's arms wrap warmly around him. The bed becomes a furnace when Bam's tongue nudges past his lips.

Bam took what belonged to him that night, and Khun was a sinner who had finally gone to heaven.

*

If the Tower was a mirror, it would reflect Bam with his wings and his thorns. Bam prefers his reflection in Khun's eyes where he is just Bam.

Bam takes his favorite mirror in his hands and smiles at his reflection. He still loves the world and fights for it, but there's something else now that's just as important. Khun takes his hand gently and Bam is glad that he has a guardian angel.

Thirteen floors later, the final battle with Jahad is no angel's song, and one becomes a god not through honeysuckle breath but with grit and darkness. Bam turns behind to see Khun with his fire and ice, and his heart is absurdly peaceful.

Bam draws his bow. Being a god took both courage and love, and that moment, Bam knew he had both.