DIPPER ♡

It has been years since I last stepped foot in a cemetery and I feel as though this will be my last. Snow was falling gently from the sky, clashing with the black coat I wore to the painful occasion I admittedly caused. Red cuts laced my arms like ribbons created out of anguish, some fresh and some old. In some odd way, I feel numb even though my heart is burning, my tears are caged behind dark eyes, and I am nothing but a hollow shell of what I was. Others have said I am "me" again.

It has been only a week since Will's death. Most people plan a funeral three to four days after death but the grief and sorrow I felt was too great to hurry something so important. I am unsure if I will be labeled as a murderer soon, but I know it will not matter. Blood is on my hands, even if I can no longer physically see it there. The images of the event live on in my mind like a vivid movie I cannot stop playing, feeling, and reliving.

I hate to admit that I need you.

There is a note waiting for me at home after this grim funeral ends.

I place a single rose in front of the tombstone. It is the only thing anyone has left. Nobody saw him as anything more than a meaningless life taking up space. He barely even got the chance to live a life.

Mabel places a gloved hand on my shoulder from behind, a sigh leaving her lips.

"You've been here for an hour now. Let's go home before you torment yourself further."

My eyes don't break from the tombstone and words hesitate to come out. It is hard to imagine the one you love being beneath such a cold, dull stone as their body disappears from the world forever. Someone you held and cherished only a week ago. Your very first time. Your first confessions. Someone that had been everything to you, now six feet beneath a pile of dirt with their eyes permanently closed and their fingers laced together. The only difference he has from other corpses is the hole I put in his body, piercing his delicate and pale skin. Of course it is covered by a suit, seemingly making him an angel despite his true self and making him appear at peace and satisfied with a life that was not even his own. Everything done to him was designed to cover imperfections but I know what his scars feel like against my fingers, what his hair feels like running across my skin, and even how his heart ached every time he saw me. I will never forget them.

I regret nothing. I do not regret understanding him. I do not regret being with him. I will never regret loving him.

My gaze broke and I turned to Mabel, a forced smile crossing my lips as tears begged to escape my tired eyes.

"Of course."

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TW: SUICIDE. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

The lock clicked, my body and mind feeling heavy, and the world around me dark and dizzy. My back leaned against the wooden door of Will's bedroom, time seemingly slowing down. I could almost hear each heartbeat and breath I made and each creak the wooden floor groaned. Every screaming thought felt so much louder and clearer now. The ticking of the clock became too lurid to bare as each passing second counted towards my end. It would all end on this very day, and I preferred it despite the terror I was feeling and the fact that this decision rested in my own hands. Once again, life and death will lie in the decision of my emotions only this time, I am putting my own beating heart on the scales.

I moved away from the door, sitting on the edge of the bed and countless memories played out before my eyes. I could hear Will's tears and whines, see the crimson blood on the sheets and the dark bruises on his skin, watch myself beating him and yelling at him, and finally becoming a part of him right where I sat and sharing a moment of understanding and passion. My hand ran across the now frigid and neat sheets, a chill running up my spine knowing his life was now absent from them. I couldn't hold back tears any longer or force the emotions to stay down.

There is a note waiting for me in this room now, words waiting to be spilled onto paper to explain the why of what I am driven to do and feel that I must do.

My fingers ran through the desk in his room, taking a pen and paper from its depths. I placed my coat on the back of the chair before taking my place where my death sentence will be written and performed. I sat still in silence for a moment as the pen dwindled above the blank lines. My thoughts and the feelings could not be fully expressed or comprehended on a mere page but that isn't what matters here. What matters is I leave evidence of who I really was behind, even if only on this simple paper and left on a wooden table.

The ink ran across the lines, tears causing them to spread out on the page in black splotches.

"To whomever this regards,

I am sorry. I am sorry for the pain I am about to burden you with but there is simply no way I can continue living a life where all I can see is the blood of the only person I can say I have ever had the privilege to love on my hands. I am sure this may come as a surprise or perhaps not but either way, I am going to where I need to be. This confession has meant nothing. I feel no catharsis in writing this. But I know that when the final dot hits this page, I will be ready. I only hope that I will not be viewed as nothing but a sinner in the eyes of others, for I realize now that the way I have lived my life was no way to live at all. I can't bare to be chained down by the pain I know I will never be rid of or live in a society in which I am one of its evils. I will be happier now.

Goodbye."

The pen fell from my fingers, tears ceaselessly running down my cheeks from aching eyes and I put my face into my hands. My breath came in short gasps and I wanted to scream so badly. To break the bottle cracking inside by I refused to let my sister hear the truth of what I was going to do. I took a final glance at the bed through sore and blurry eyes, reliving something that once made me happy and hopeful only to become one of my many shortcomings in such a short amount of now wasted time.

I pulled a bottle of sleeping pills from Will's drawers and shakily removed the lid. I stared at the white pills for a moment, everything becoming blank and falling onto only me and this bottle. The choice of life or death. An endless sleep brought on by a simple decision. Time ceased existing. My heart skipped. My tears stopped and my blood turned colder than ice.

I swallowed the pills.

Tick, tick, tick.

Numbness and a sense of regret washed over me. My vision darkened a bit as I fell to the floor, the bottle falling from my hand. The wind raged on outside in the snow storm and the clock continued to tick down to the end of it all. A tear rolled down my face to the floor and my breathing became less and less.

'Is this truly how it will all end for me? Is this what I deserve?'

My eyes shut. My heart stopped. Every part of me that had ever been or could have been escaped me. Every memory, every feeling, every truth for every lie. Every ambition and every dream. Every fear and every crack. A knock begged the silence of death to end despite the hopelessness plaguing the room.

This is my end.

WILL ♡

"I still love you."