Pain. There was pain.

Where?

On her cheek? She checked it. Yes it was swollen. But that wasn't the pain she was feeling. Did she even feel that bruise? Yes? No? She couldn't tell.

No it hurt somewhere else. It hurt all over and yet nowhere.

This wasn't heartbreak where it felt like her heart was sinking. This wasn't embarrassment where she felt like burying herself in a hole. This wasn't sadness where it felt like a weight had been put on her heart. This was something else, something that made her lose focus on everything around her. It made her blood rush like mad and slow like crazy. Made her feel like her hands were shaking when they actually were steady. Made it feel like it was cold when the air was actually humid. Made it hard to breathe yet she was taking in gulps of air. Made her lose time, as if she was in a dream. She didn't even notice when she had arrived home.

"Madam? Are you getting out?"

I'm here? Already? When did I get in the car?

Erratic. That is how she felt. Her mind was haywire and yet hyper focused. She hadn't even noticed that she didn't say goodbye to the driver till she was in the lobby of her building.

My purse? Where's my purse? Back at the flower shop, she realized. She wouldn't be going back there now.

She wouldn't be going back there ever.

A wave of humiliation washed over Sujin as she recalled the slap. How pathetic and weak she must have looked in front of everyone. Oh, look at her. She acts so tough and high and mighty but really, she's just a pathetic loser, was what Sujin expected they were thinking. She's always acting like she's better than everyone else. Well now who's weak? Now who's inferior?

Sujin put her hand to her ears, trying to block out the voices in her head telling her how stupid and pathetic she was in a million different ways. She hunched down, pulling her knees to her chest. Her face contorted in pain.

"Are you alright dear?"

"Huh?"

She was in the hallway of her floor. She didn't recall getting in the elevator. One of her neighbors was looking at her with grave concern.

"Are you hurt?" The woman touched Sujin's shoulder comfortingly but in a knee-jerk reaction, Sujin smacked her hand away.

It hurt to be touched. Not the kind of hurt where you had a bruise and pressing that point caused pain. But rather like a jolt in her heart; a strange burst of panic and anxiety. Sujin felt like attacking the woman. As if she needed to attack her before she got attacked herself.

The woman moved back, looking hurt and afraid. In this state, there was still a part of Sujin that managed to retain its sanity. That part was numb to the situation. That part was disassociated, as if watching Sujin from a distance. That part could see how crazy she was acting and could see how the woman had been affected.

I'm a monster. Sujin thought. I can't stay here. I'll end up doing something worse.

Not trusting herself, Sujin brushed past the woman and ran into her apartment. She slammed the door behind her.

The apartment was empty, cold, lifeless. But it was home, right? It should feel better, right? Then why was her heart heavier? Why did it feel like she was going to throw up?

Dirty. She felt dirty. Not in the metaphorical sense, but literally. Everything felt clammy and sweaty and wrong. She needed to clean her hands. Yes, that would make everything alright.

Bathroom. It was even colder than the rest of the apartment, though there were signs of life. Various shampoos, conditioners, serums, soaps, bath gels lined the shelf in shower. The sink was full of some sparse skin care products. Just a cleanser and moisturizer. Sujin had never been the cosmetically inclined.

And soap. Yes, that was the most important one. A beautiful pump dispenser sat on the side of the tap, filled to the brim with liquid soap. Smelling amazing. Sujin pumped it out and opened the faucet, not caring about wasting water like she usually did. Pump, lather, rub, rub, rub, rinse. Pump, lather, rub, rub, rub, rinse. Pump, lather, rub, rub, rub, rinse.

Sujin put her hands to her nose. Were they clean? Did he smell go away? smell... the smell of the soap. Oh no. Flowers. It smelled like flowers. It smelled like him.

Her hand moved on its own, knocking the soap dispenser to the ground. She was lucky it was plastic otherwise cleaning up glass would have been a nightmare.

The bath soap. She grabbed that from the shower shelf and repeated the process.

Her father had never hit her in front of anyone else before. He had always been discreet about his vices. That included his superiority complex, his judgmental nature and arrogance. He always acted so humble, kind and honest in front of everyone else. He had never let anyone know how cruel and heartless he truly was.

But, tonight had been different. Sujin had never seen him so mad before. She knew that he moved in elite circles. Always a classist, her father tended to mingle only with people that could serve as another rung in his ladder; someone to use to climb up to the top. So, it was safe to assume he must have known someone in Gunju group. Gunju also tended to invest in hospitals and other public serving institutes. Sujin was sure that she would find her father's hospital in one of Gunju's beneficiaries.

The soap slipped out of Sujin's had as she violently rubbed it to build up the lather. Her hands felt raw and red. But it wasn't enough. Tonight, this wasn't enough.

Is this how you rebel against me? By humiliating me in high society?

As the memory of her father slapping her played in her mind, Sujin felt guilty for helping Han Seojun. She felt she had made a mistake. Perhaps this matter should have been left buried. Perhaps she should have never met up with Seyeon's father.

No. I did the right thing. Seojun needed this. Sujin reminded herself. But it wasn't good enough. This dark, desolate feeling wouldn't leave her alone, wouldn't let her believe in herself.

More, she needed to clean more. She ripped off her clothes and jumped under the cold spray of her shower. The icy water made her feel numb and for a brief second, it alleviated the pain.

Sujin scrubbed and scrubbed. She scrubbed all over her body till her skin felt raw and irritated. Sujin looked down at the sorry state of her body and finally was able to break down into tears.

Sujin welcomed the tears. Tears were an outlet. Tears meant she could start healing. She curled up into a ball, hugging her legs as the cold water hit her back.

She heard it then. The doorbell. Then banging. Then the doorbell again. Sujin's heart raced. There could only be one person who was here at her apartment at this hour.

It's him!

All these years, he had been the only one who understood. He had been the only one who was there for her. And in her darkest moments, he had chosen her over Lim Jukyung.

Relief. For that brief moment as she quickly wrapped her bathrobe around her and rushed to the door, Sujin felt relief. She felt happy. The slap from her father didn't feel so bad when this person was there to comfort her.

Just as she reached the door, she heard the familiar beeping of her passcode being entered.

Wait... Suho doesn't know my passcode...

Just as Sujin yanked the door open, Seojun pushed it from the other side. He stumbled in, his face nearly bumping into her forehead.

The pain, the humiliation, the sting of the slap all came rushing back.

Nonononononononono. Not him. Not when I'm like this.

In her shock, she didn't even notice how Seojun's eyes widened at the sight of Sujin dressed in only her bathrobe with skin as red as her eyes. Her hair was stuck to her face. Water pooled at her feet as it dripped down from her body.

Seojun's eyes darkened. Which was surprising given his already black eyes. He sucked in his breath with a little shake as he took Sujin in from head to toe. "Dear Lord." He said under his breath as his eyes raked over her from head to toe.

"What are you doing here?" Sujin asked.

Seojun opened his mouth to reply but struggled with the words. He opened and closed it like a fish before finally saying, "I swear I had a reason, but I think I've just lost my mind."

"I agree. Goodbye." She tried to slam the door on his face.

"No! Wait!" He pushed against the door. "Please, just let me in."

Sujin wasn't having it. "Go away, Han Seojun." She said, trying to push him out but she couldn't even manage to make him move an inch. His feet were bolted in place; steady and unmovable.

"Go away." She repeated, sounding hoarse as if she had screamed for an hour.

"No." His voice was deep and intimidating. It was a command. He had never commanded her before, about anything.

His eyes went over her again, head to toe and she quickly became very conscious of the fact that there was only a robe wrapped around her. Before she could do anything, he pushed past her and came inside.

"Yah!"

"Shut up. I'm coming in."

Sujin glared at him, "This is inappropriate, Han Seojun." Leave. Please, leave.

Seojun considered this. "You're right. It is. Especially when you're..." He waved at her bathrobe. "I'm sorry. But I really needed to see you."

"What do you want?" She demanded, hugging herself.

Seojun's eyes softened. "I wanted to make sure you were okay."

She hated it. Hated that he was concerned, hated that he was even paying her any attention. She didn't want this concern for the cruelty done to her. Because it was pity. And it made her feel small and weak and useless.

She didn't want him there. She didn't want him seeing her in this pathetic state where she had no control over what came out of her mouth.

He needs to leave.

"I don't need you to check up on me. I'm fine." She said with the intention of sounding tough and formidable. Instead, she sounded broken and tired.

Seojun's eyes went to the bruise that had become prominently red. There was also a cut on the side of her lower lip that was stinging. He frowned. His hands moved to touch her face, but she moved away, as if his touch would sear her.

Seojun gave her the same look the woman in the hallway had: hurt, by the harsh reaction to a kind gesture. Dejected, he lowered his hand. Then he looked around as if looking for someone.

"Don't you have anyone that can stay with you?"

"Why do you care?" Sujin barks, sounding like a petulant child.

"Come on, Sujin. I'm trying to be here for you."

"Who the hell asked you to be? What makes you think you have any right to be here?" Shut up, Sujin, she warned herself. Shut up.

"That isn't you talking." Seojun said, seeing through her façade.

"You don't know me well enough to say that."

"Yah, how can you say that after all that we've been through?"

"After all you've been through, Seojun. I was only there to clean up your mess." Stop it, Sujin. Stop.

Seojun fidgeted slightly, "Well... now I'm here to clean up yours. Your... mess." He said, unsurely.

"Are you saying I'm a mess?" Sujin said. Antagonizing him on purpose.

"You know that's not what I meant."

"You're not needed here, Han Seojun. Why don't you get that through your thick skull?"

Sujin could see Seojun getting awkward, but he still soldiered on. "Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're just pushing me away. It won't work. I won't leave."

"Is that so? Then I'll leave." With still just her fluffy bathrobe on, Sujin left her apartment. She had only made it halfway across the hall when Seojun came after her.

"Yah, Kang Sujin!" Seojun ran up to her and swiftly threw her over her shoulder.

She struggled against his grip as he brought her back in and shut the door behind them. "Yah! Put me down!"

He obeyed and deposited her on her sofa. "Are you crazy? How can you go out in this... this..." He gestured to her bathrobe.

"Oh, so what? You're going to dictate what I can and cannot do now?" Sujin looked up at him.

"Kang Sujin, why are you being so difficult?"

"Why can't you see that I don't want you here?" Sujin's voice broke.

"I can't leave."

"Why not?"

Seojun's expression faded as he recalled what Sujin's father had said.

You... why can't you just die?

You know what? I wonder the same thing everyday.

Seojun stood with his hands on his hips. "I'm not leaving."

"Leave."

"I'm not leaving."

"Leave!"

"No."

It hurt to have him there. It hurt to feel so vulnerable. But something in her wouldn't let her cave. Something in Sujin wouldn't let her run into Seojun's arms and have him hold her while she cried.

So Sujin did the only thing she knew well.

She suddenly stood up. "You think I can't see what you're doing?" She asked him.

"Listen, all I want—"

"What happened today wasn't new. I've been dealing with this shit my whole life and I've done just fine on my own. I've never needed anyone before. And I don't need anyone now." It was both the truth and a lie. Because Kang Sujin knew she needed someone. But all her life, no one had ever been there. And now even he had left. Sujin resented the fact that she had waited and waited someone to rescue her, someone to save her from her father's wrath. But no one had ever come. No one had ever tried to save her.

Over the years, Sujin had learned how to save herself. And for some reason, that made her resent anyone who tried to help her now. Because now was too late. Now wasn't good enough.

Seojun took a step towards her, his eyes pleading. "I don't want to lose you. Not like I lost Seyeon." He admitted.

Sujin scoffed cruelly, "I'm not weak like your friend. I'm not Seyeon." Stop it, Sujin, Sujin begged herself. Stop it. Please! "I'm not going to jump off a building just because my father slapped me around a few times. I'm not that pathetic."

That did it. The shock on Seojun's face said it all and Sujin immediately regretted it. Shame and guilt overwhelmed her.

Seojun took a step back. "Why is it that every time I take a step towards you, you take three steps back?"

Her tongue felt like sandpaper. "Seojun, just leave." She begged. "Just leave." She could see him struggle, see him shift to take another step back.

"No."

Sujin let out a shuddering breath. "Why? Why can't you just leave?" Tears started to pour. She held her head in her hands, sobbing. Seojun took a step towards her, and she took a step towards him, placing her head on her shoulders.

She felt him tentatively wrap his arms around her, without touching her too untowardly. He patted her head to comfort her. It helped alleviate the fear, because Sujin felt terrified. Terrified of what Seojun would think, terrified of how he would see her now that her secret shame was out. And worst of all, she was terrified that he would see her as weak, as someone who needed to be taken care of instead of someone who could take care of herself.

It was pride again. In all of this, it was Sujin's pride that was so fragile and delicate. She lost her pride tonight and she was terrified she would never get it back.

After a moment of letting out her frustration and pain, Sujin backed up a little, wiping her nose with her sleeve. She looked up at Seojun with wide, searching eyes. Seojun looked back and just like that, they were frozen in place and in time.

In that moment, Sujin felt safe. That feeling of home, of belonging, that she normally felt with Suho was present with Seojun. Sujin thought back to the night Seojun had gotten drunk and kissed her.

She wished he would kiss her then. Kiss her and her bruises and make it all go away. The familiar floral scent unique to him, his strong arms around her and that delicate yet angry looking face all made her dizzy with desire. Sujin wanted nothing more than to be held by Seojun and be told that she was beautiful and lovely and loved.

Sujin's eyes went to his lips; thin and wide and always either set in a hard line or a smug smile. She could feel his breath on the bridge of her nose.

Seojun's knuckles lightly brushed her swollen cheek. "How long has he been hitting you?"

Sujin looked down to her feet. "It started in high school. He thought it would push me to be better."

"Fathers shouldn't be hitting their daughters like this."

It was a simple statement, but it made Sujin tear up again. Her nose stung. No one had ever acknowledged this was wrong so candidly before. But then again, no one but Suho had ever known before.

Sujin looked up at Seojun again, this time determined to make a move. She was certain of her feelings and certain of his. Surely, this magnetic pull she felt towards him couldn't just her. Surely, he felt the same way.

Kang Sujin was bold and brash. But when it came to romance, she was just as shy as any girl next door. It took a lot out of her to act first but she covered it up well. She put a hand on the back of his neck, aware—and slightly embarrassed—of how cold it was. It made Seojun shiver. She pushed herself up on her toes but before her lips could touch his, his hand came in between.

Seojun suddenly pushed her away, a tad too hard. "What are you doing?" He asked, sounding scandalized.

Sujin felt her heart stop. Had she misread the signs? Had she moved too fast? Seojun looked disgusted at her. Or was that just her imagination? Humiliation washed over her for the hundredth time that night. Sujin had never been one to handle rejection well. And rejection in this moment hit her especially hard.

"Ah, sorry." She said, backing away completely. Her face felt hot with mortification. What had she been thinking? No guy would want to kiss her when she was a complete wreck.

Seojun began, "Sujin, this isn't the right—"

"Yeah, I know." Sujin nodded, not really listening. "If you're done here, I think you should leave."

"I can't until—"

"Look, I'm not going to kill myself, okay? I was just being dramatic back then." Sujin looked at him with faux indifference. "Its late. And I want to sleep. Leave."

Seojun's eyes pleaded with her again. "You're not hearing me. I—"

"Leave! Just fucking leave Seojun!" Sujin exploded at him.

Seojun sighed. He didn't know what had been going through his mind when he had run after Sujin. Or when he had left everyone back at the flower shop to take a cab to her home. Or when he had showed up at a woman's apartment so late at night.

He hadn't been thinking. All he could think about was Sujin and the sound of her father's hand hitting her face. If Mr. Kang had not been Sujin's father, Seojun would have killed him. But he didn't want Sujin to be in further pain. And Seojun knew, that no matter what Sujin said, no matter how many Fuck You bouquets, she gave the man, she didn't hate her father. No child could ever truly hate their parent.

"I'll leave." Seojun relented finally. "I'll leave."

Sujin sighed in relief.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come." Was the last thing Seojun said to her when he left.

Everyone had gone when Seojun returned to the shop, feeling exhausted and drained. Only Chorong had stayed behind.

"Everyone went home." Chorong informed. "What a night, huh?"

Seojun didn't respond. Just stalked up the stairs as Chorong called after him, "How was she? Was she okay?"

Seojun didn't answer. He closed the door to his house behind him and leaned against it, rubbing his face. Words still eluded him. He had wanted to say so much to Sujin. He had wanted to comfort her and tell her that everything would be alright. He had wanted to be there for her.

But the words died in his tongue. The vitriol with which she had told him to leave made him waver, despite his best attempts to keep his calm. And then her attempt at kissing him. It had caught him off guard and he ended up shoving her harder than he had intended. If only she knew how hard it was for him to control himself. If only she knew that if she had kissed him, he wouldn't have been able to control himself. And then they would both end up regretting that night and Seojun didn't want to regret anything he and Sujin shared.

I should have left the second I saw she wasn't dressed.

The lurch his heart had felt at the sight of her when she had opened her door was something he had only experienced in his teens, when he had been a young boy and had newly discovered the feeling of attraction. The scent of her soap, the sound of droplets falling on the floor, the cut on her lip that he would have loved to kiss and mend.

If Kang Sujin had read his mind at that moment, she would have slapped him.

That feeling still echoed in his chest and fought around to get out. Seojun had never been good at speaking words, so instead he chose to write them down. The same way he had done before with his feelings for Jukyung.

Jukyung... That seems so long ago now...

Seojun sat down at his dining table and tried to put it into words exactly how he felt about Sujin. First, he tried to write about her beauty, about how she drew him in and how her lips made him think of petals. But he found that to be too shallow, so he crumpled up the letter and threw it away. Next, he wrote of her brains, of how much he respected and admired her wit and intelligence but that made him sound robotic and pretentious, so he threw that letter away too. When he wrote of her charms, he sounded to flowery, and when he wrote of her accomplishments, he sounded too materialistic. Soon Seojun was surrounded by a sea of discarded letters of confessions.

"Aish! Why can't I get this?"

Seojun recalled Sujin's face when he had pushed her away, and her face when she had looked up at him longingly. He knew she must have felt embarrassed and even a bit scared. He wished he could have told her something to let her know he wasn't rejecting her.

With that realization, Seojun penned down his final letter.

I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry I didn't kiss you. But it wasn't the right time, nor the right place. And it certainly wouldn't have been for the right reasons.

But I promise, Sujin, when I do kiss you, it will be at the right time, in the right place and for all the right reasons.

With just this, Seojun put his letter away in an envelope and went to bed. The letter sat in his bedside drawer for nearly a week as Seojun mustered up the courage to walk over to Move Consulting and see her.

The contract had ended. Seojun had no ties to Move Consulting now. Sure, Jukyung still sent her texts and he had been forced to join a group chat with Suah, Taehoon and the others but the consulting had been done so Sujin had no reason to reach out to him.

Another week went by when Chorong finally snapped at Seojun.

"Yah, Han Seojun! Quit your moping around and just go over there. You do nothing but sigh all day and sit in a daze while I do all the work! Stop being a useless bum and get this over with."

Seojun was surprised at this outburst by Chorong. But he knew the man was right. Seojun had to face Sujin sometime. Better late than never.

The lobby receptionist knew him by now and let him up to the fifth floor. Jukyung greeted him at the door.

"Seojun-ah! What a pleasant surprise!" She greeted him with her gummy smile. "What brings you here?"

Seojun scratched the back of his head and held up the envelope with Sujin's name on it.

"Oh? You're here for Kang Leader-nim? But don't you know?"

Seojun looked confused. Know what?

Jukyung's smile faded. "Leader-nim didn't tell you? She's left. She no longer works with us."

It took a minute for the words to sink in.

She's left? She's gone?

Jukyung was talking. Saying something but Seojun wasn't registering.

She's gone without telling me? Without even saying goodbye?

"Are you listening? Han Seojun?" Jukyung waved a hand in front of his face.

"What? Yes, I heard you. Thank you."

Seojun turned around and headed for the elevator. Jukyung called after him, but he didn't hear. He saw her wave goodbye as the elevator doors shut on him.

She's left. Kang Sujin's left.