I know that I should have some fun and paint the town
A lovesick fool is blind and just can't see
Oh Lonesome Me, Sue Thompson

The thought of losing someone very close to your heart, whether it is a friend, a family member or a lover is excruciating, moreover if it is a tragic loss. A situation where you can no longer have the chance to hold their hand or stare at them in the eye and flash a smile on them. You just know you would hold onto them so bad. Think of them so bad. Long for them so bad.

If Taehyung was the one to be asked, he'd rather have Jeongguk be taken away than know he can no longer be found. He, of all people never wished for the love of his life to be in a difficult situation. Things turned quite unexpected and it made him petrified.

He ran to the hospital with his pajamas still on, tears forming in the edges of his eyes. His little curly locks, which were never settled as he heard the news, fell 'til his nose. He immediately took big steps to the hospital counter, asking the lady in blue about certain information. His chest grew heavy as the time progressed.

"He's still in the emergency room, Sir," the lady answered. All Taehyung could do was release a huge sigh. He barely could stand properly. "Are you alright, Sir?" asked the lady as she signaled her co-worker to assist him.

"Calm down, Sir. He will be alright," the other lady with red hair said and guided Taehyung to the waiting area.

"This is all my fault. This is all my fault..." he mumbled as he tried to catch his breath. All the lady could do was rub Taehyung's back to settle him down as she continuously convinced him things will turn okay.

"This is entirely your fault!" gruffed a man that he almost grabbed Taehyung by his collar but was stopped by his wife. "You ruined my son's future! You imperiled him!" His loud voice started creating commotion inside the facility.

Taehyung did not utter a word back, miserably thinking he was really the one to blame. "If anything happens to him, you surely will be responsible!" said Mr. Jeon as he pointed his index finger at Taehyung. The stunned boy couldn't help but to cry at the situation. Mr. and Mrs. Jeon took their leave and everyone else was watching Taehyung burst into tears.

There's nothing he could do in this situation. Jeongguk's life now lies in his hands and of those who are inside the emergency room. He knows an hour isn't ample, but he will wait until he hears Jeongguk is finally in the safe lane.

***

A warm hand reached Taehyung's back. He then realized that he fell asleep waiting at the waiting area for Jeongguk's operation to finish. "Hello. You're Taehyung, right?" a lady's voice asked him. He waited until his blurry vision returned to normal, and when it did, it met the lady's pair of eyes.

"M-Ma'am. How is he?" he managed to blurt out as he stood up. It was Jeongguk's mother who tapped his back. He looked around, worrying if Mr. Jeon was around.

"My husband left, don't you worry. The operation went well. He was already transferred to the ICU. He is still unconscious. The doctor said it will take hours, even maybe days or weeks for him to wake up," she assured him. A hint of hesitation was evident in her voice despite her convincing him he is already alright. Her eyes are red and swollen, probably because she spent hours crying as well.

"Where is he?" Taehyung asked her.

She did not directly reply to him and just led him to Jeongguk's intensive care unit private room.

When they both made it to the room, Taehyung could not help but to cry. Tears raced down his cheeks as he stared at the different wires connected into Jeongguk's body. Even his head was wrapped in a thick bandage. Several bruises are all over his arm and face. The rest of the injuries were covered by his hospital gown and bed sheets.

He kneeled down the bedside. He clenched his hands tight in anger and felt his chest and breathing narrowing. He was blaming himself. It was all his fault. He could not stop his sobs. Mrs. Jeon held his back trying to comfort him. "It was all my fault. I'm really sorry. I-I should've listened to them. I-I should not have taken you away. I'm sorry..."

Taehyung could not hold his hand even if he wanted to. He is afraid to cause even more damage to the fragile boy.

Mrs. Jeon repeatedly patted Taehyung's back as he heard him sniff. Tears rolled down her cheeks as well, hearing all of Taehyung's self-reproach.

The room went silent for a while, hearing only tiny sobs from both the people who cherished Jeongguk.

An hour had passed when Taehyung finally calmed down. He bought coffee for Mrs. Jeon and a basket of fruits. He was ready to say goodbye for a while and go home as he was told to. Mrs. Jeon and him had agreed that he would go see Jeongguk if his father wasn't around.

"Ma'am, I would like to thank you for not being mad at me and for accommodating me," he said, smiling a little.

"You did not want this to happen. You are not the one to blame," she said and sighed, "If only my husband did not force him to go home, maybe he's doing just fine right now. Maybe he's inside your home, reading his books like he used to." Mrs. Jeon looked away. Taehyung felt a bit of anger in her words, directed to her husband but in contrast, he felt the blood in his cheeks rushing because of the words 'your home.'

She accepts them hundred percent.

"If I may request one more thing from you, please call me if something happens," He handed her a piece of paper in which his landline number was written to which she smiled and nodded. "I'm leaving now, Ma'am," he said.

"Come here," Mrs. Jeon said and offered Taehyung a hug. The boy did not refuse as he needed that, now more than ever. "Please take care of yourself," she whispered from his back.

"Thank you again, Ma'am," Taehyung said before they broke off from the hug. "I will be forever grateful for your kindness. And for your support towards us," he said the last time and bowed to Mrs. Jeon. He saw her nod and smile for the last time before he walked away and left the hospital.

***

Taehyung felt so vulnerable. A person that has lost his soul. A dresser that has been vacant for so long. He felt so helpless, like there would be no ray of sunshine that will enter his dark room of life. He could never lose Jeongguk, or he will lose himself.

These were the days when nights felt longer. When you constantly had to change your pillowcase because it has been soaked with tears. Endless crying. Desperately begging all the gods out there to not take away that someone who was very dear to your heart.

All he could do was cry for a miracle.

He traveled back-and-forth, from the hospital to their home. There were times he had no sleep at all, but he did. He never let himself be seen by any of his family. He visited Jeongguk and never left any trace. He did that for weeks, even months.

His body went weary, it has shown all over his face too but he has never given up the idea that one day Jeongguk will wake.

"Taehyung?" For the first time in a while, someone called for his name. The boy who was sitting in despair lifted his head in fear that someone of Jeongguk's circle will see him. It was too late to hide his face. "It is really you," said the woman. Taehyung finally stood from the bench, attempting to run away but he stopped when he saw the familiar face.

He was immediately stopped when that someone embraced him by his back. "Your family has been looking for you. Where were you all this time?" she said whilst she held Taehyung back. She pulled away when she realized what she did. "I'm sorry," she let out sadly.

"You came here to visit him?" Taehyung doesn't know what to say. It has been a while since he last saw her. As far as he could remember, that was the time when they celebrated Jeongguk's birthday.

"Would you like some coffee?" she asked instead of answering Taehyung's question. Taehyung glanced at her without giving the same sunshine she radiated.

Taehyung and Vivianne went on a coffee shop down the street.

"I heard it from them," she started a few minutes after they finally sat at a table. She went closer to the table and looked around before whispering, "I did not know you were into men."

"Did you know about the marriage?" Taehyung rather asked nonchalantly. He felt like being forced out of the closet.

"U-Uh," trailed Vivianne, obviously stunned by the question. "I-ah, I did not know honestly. That same morning, your father said to my father you'd like to be married off to a woman. I-I was a bachelorette, of course, I felt excited. And he mentioned about you fancying me... I felt fluttered, to be l-liked by y-"

"I do not like you at all," Taehyung said straightforwardly. "Honestly, you are beautiful. You sure are smart. It's not you."

"Well, you know how the society views homosexuals. It will not work. It is better you stop now. Me, on the other hand, can give you the normal life you could wish for-"

"So you perceive me as something not normal?"

"It's not like that, Taehyung. Let me explain mys-" Before Vivianne could continue her sentence, Taehyung stood and gripped the lace of his bag before he marched out of the café.

Her eyes followed the figure of the boy until they could not reach him anymore.

Vivianne looked down in gloom as she stared at his coffee, untouched and has gone cold. She do not think that she said something wrong.

"Is this your game, Taehyung? To play hard to get? I think I've seen this film before. One that you've played multiple times too. But I won't be shaken," Vivianne muttered under her breath.

She stood from her seat and left the coffee shop as well, leaving both cold cups on the table.

***

Loneliness conquered the once was a love den. The very foundation of the house is now painted blue. It was pouring cats and dogs outside. He stared at the window as the trees swayed along with the wind and the rain. Thunder clapped and it startled him every now and then.

The only warmth he felt was the growing heat inside his head, or should he even call it that?

Taehyung does not understand why there are people out there who would keep insisting that they know everything, that we should follow those who had come before us. Follow the rules imposed upon us.

Who ever said that homosexuality is an act of being sick in the head, is the one who is sick in the head.

Taehyung felt like liking boys. Not because of influence. Not because he was 'forced' to be feminine. Not because his mother tolerated him to feel his emotions. It's because he simply just felt it.

When he stares at Jeongguk, his heart skips a bit. When he touches him, he feels the need to protect him from harm. When he sees him having a hard time, it feels like being stabbed in the the heart a million little times.

And he thought it's normal to feel that way because that is love.

And so he wondered if his father ever loved her mother. He never looks at her the same way. He did compliment her, around his business companions. He never even see them kiss.

He remembers vividly from the photograph albums hidden inside his mother's dresser, she does not smile in the pictures. Is she never happy of her marriage? Then why did she marry him in the first place?

Was it arranged marriage? Does he have to suffer the same fate her mother had faced?

One thing he hates about having a culture is that people are being stopped from moving forward from it.

People still believe these are the standard and the rules they should follow until the end of time.

And yet war still happens everywhere.
Cruelty still fosters.
People still cheat, still steal, still lie, still kill.
People still hate on someone just because they love someone.
People simply do not grow because of it.

He is once again thinking about everything that comes to his mind.

His shoulders and eyebrows eased when he saw the photograph of Jeongguk hanged on the wall. He had just seen him from the hospital but now he already misses him. Not being able to talk to him because he's not conscious feels like not seeing him at all.

And so he took the photograph and caressed it. He does not want to cry anymore.

When will he ever feel again the same warmth his lover radiated? When will the bed feel small again with the two of them? Will the time come when he has to wash more than one plate or cup from the sink again?

What if this will become the normal for him? Going to the hospital, talking to an unconscious boy, then going back to an empty home.

Every night felt like an endless overthinking of the future.

It was torture.

He put down the frame when he noticed something placed at the side of the bed.

It was a journal embellished with artworks. It was Jeongguk's. What was written on the cover made Taehyung curious. Is it something he can open and read what was inside?

'He'll be mad. He does not like someone touching his things,' he said to himself. He sighed and took a last read of the words written in the front of the journal before placing it inside the drawer.

'Lovers in 1978 by Jeon Jeongguk.'