writing is no longer fun. well i mean, i no longer enjoy it as much- i still do!

but lately i've been drained of motivation and ideas and despite this book already being fully written out- i don't want to publish the whole book just yet. this book is my prized possession, but looking at others books- i realize it's just not that good. but i still love it, i just wish people would love it as much as i did.
i know what i'm feeling- jealousy. i get it, some people's books just catch the attention of others faster- but some it only took a couple of months for their book to get to 100k, it took me a whole year.

while i am happy for me and other authors who have reached 100k reads- i can't help but think my book isn't as good as others due to how quickly they reached it. i dont even know why i'm so upset by it- i just am.

i've thought about quitting wattpad, and i've thought about quitting writing all together. it no longer brought me joy, i felt like i was nothing when writing. everything i would write, no one would like, so what was the point? for months i forced myself to finish one shots and chapters and i ended up hating everything i wrote and i started hating myself.

if the one thing i found the most joy in made me feel like nothing, what was there to do? i thought i was only good at writing, but now i seem to think i was only lying to myself.

every time i thought about quitting writing- i thought about how i would have nothing going for me. my dream is to be an author. i would feel worthless, like nothing.

i used to cry myself to sleep thinking about how so many people are so much better than me and how i didn't deserve the amount of reads or followers i have. how i shouldn't even be able to write because of how awful it is.

i'm not looking for pity. i am not looking for your compliments or you sweet comments (as much as they warm my heart).

i just want you all to know what is going on.

i know i go on hiatus a lot- but this time it'll be the longest one.

i want to try to work on myself and to try to find joy in writing again.

I AM NOT GIVING UP ON THIS BOOK.

nor am i giving up on my other books (i have three more in drafts).

this will be finished once more.

i just want to work on my writing and my self. this year has been.. stressful. from falling in love to getting the WORST fucking heartbreak- to falling back in love and then ending it because i was scared to love that person again. i haven't been here as much mentally. i almost failed three classes out of six. i've had so many doubts about myself and my own being and my reason to be alive.

but i want to change that. i hate feeling like this. i hate not wanting to write- hate even THINKING of quitting writing, the thing that makes me the most happy.

but i just need to get away.

i will be back, but i don't know when. i really dont.

please wait for me.

i love you all, thanks for sticking with me :) <3