︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I don't wanna go, think I'll make it worse
Everything I know brings me back to us
I don't wanna go, we've been here before
Everywhere I go leads me back to you

-I miss you, I'm sorry - Gracie Abrams-

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Hana POV: (3 days after Minho's Birthday)

"But you need to be patient, Hana. I understand that they're causing emotional distress, but this is part of the process. All of this is normal," Dr. Nam reassured her.

Hana sighed, her voice trembling slightly as she spoke.
"They're meant to help with my panic attacks, but I keep having them every time I sit for an exam. It's not that they're happening more often, but the intensity and how long they last... It's draining. It really wears me out."

"Can I ask you how you've been coping with it?" Dr. Nam inquired, her tone soft but persistent, as if she already knew the answer.

"Distracting myself?" I said vaguely, trying to brush it off. I mean, she already knew about the self-harm. She might as well just bring it up and get it over with. It's only making me more anxious to dance around it.

"We both know you know," I replied flatly, meeting her gaze.
"There's nothing I'm hiding. I was very honest on that test."

Her eyes softened, but she didn't look away.
"I know you were honest, Hana. But being open about something doesn't always mean we've fully addressed it. It's okay to feel uncomfortable, but it's important that we talk through it together."

I took a deep breath, the conversation pressing down on me.
"I don't know if talking about it will really change anything. It's just... easier when I don't."

Dr. Nam's gaze remained steady, her voice soft but insistent.
"Does anyone else know about it?"

I swallowed, the question making my throat tighten.
"I haven't told anyone," I muttered, my voice barely above a whisper.
"I keep it to myself, I don't want to worry anyone. They wouldn't understand."

Dr. Nam nodded, her tone reassuring.
"Okay, then let's try this. I'll ask you some questions, and I just need you to answer them as honestly as you can. No pressure, just... take your time."

I stared at her for a moment, feeling a mix of relief and anxiety. Part of me wanted to say no, to shut down and close off, but I knew I couldn't keep avoiding this. Not anymore.

"Okay," I finally muttered, feeling my heart race. "I'll try."

Dr. Nam leaned forward slightly, her voice gentle but firm.
"Good. Let's start with something simple. How often do you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or anxious, even when you're not in an exam situation?"

 It wasn't easy to admit, but I knew she was trying to help.
"Pretty much all the time, especially when I'm alone," I said, my voice quieter than I intended. "It's like... I'm always on edge, even when there's nothing happening. My mind just... spirals."

She nodded, writing something down.
"And when it spirals, what's the first thing that usually happens? What do you feel?"

I hesitated, trying to find the right words.
"It's like this... tightness in my chest. My thoughts go all over the place. I can't focus, can't breathe. It's like my body's in fight-or-flight mode, but there's no clear danger. It just... keeps going."

"That sounds exhausting," she said softly, acknowledging the toll it must take on me.
"What about after? After you've had one of those moments. How do you feel then?"

I swallowed hard, the answer hanging in the air. "Empty," I whispered. "Like... like I've just run a marathon and I can't catch my breath. And sometimes... I don't know how to keep going."

"And when do you resort to self-harm?"
Dr. Nam's voice was steady, but there was a quiet weight to her words.

I froze, the question sinking into me like a stone. It wasn't something I'd ever said out loud, and even now, the idea of answering felt almost unbearable.

"Whenever it feels like... I'll never be able to breathe anymore," I muttered, my gaze dropping to the floor. "When I can't stop the panic attack, or when the numbness gets too heavy. It's like... if I can just feel something physical, something real, it takes away the chaos in my head for a while."

"I understand that it may feel like a way to regain control, but it's a dangerous way to cope, Hana. It doesn't address the root of what's going on. We need to work together on finding healthier ways to deal with all of this. You deserve better than to have to keep going through this."
Her voice was calm, but it had a quiet intensity to it. The concern was real. I could hear it, even if I didn't know how to respond.

Dr. Nam gave me a small, understanding nod before continuing.
 "Two more questions, and then we can stop. How long has it been like this?"

I blinked, feeling my heart beat a little faster. "The anxiety, or the self-harm?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. I wasn't sure which part of me she was asking about.

She paused for a moment, her gaze soft. "Both," she said gently. "If you're comfortable sharing."

I exhaled, my chest tightening.
"The anxiety... probably as long as I can remember. It's always been there, just under the surface. But the self-harm... that started in 12th grade, when everything just got too overwhelming. The panic, the overwhelming thoughts, the feeling of being trapped in my own mind. I couldn't make it stop, so I turned to something physical. It was the only way I could feel anything else, even if it was just temporary. I had friends, but I never really told them what was going on. I put on a smile, tried to be as happy as I could around them. And then, when I was alone, I would crash back into the darkness—into the self-loathing, the depression. It was like I was three different people, one for the world, one for my parents and one for myself."

I stopped for a moment, my throat tight. "I think... a lot of people don't realize how easy it is to hide what's really going on inside. How easy it is to convince yourself that you're alone in it."

Dr. Nam nodded, her expression soft but serious.
"You've been carrying this for a long time, Hana. And I'm really proud of you for being honest about it. But we need to work together on finding healthier ways to cope, ways that don't leave you feeling more broken afterward."

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, feeling the familiar resistance rise in me.
"I don't know if I can... I mean, it's not like I haven't tried. Nothing ever really works." 

Dr. Nam's question lingered in the air. "How long have you been clean for?"

I swallowed hard, the words feeling heavier than I expected.
"A week," I said quietly, barely meeting her eyes. "The urge? Everyday."

"You're doing great," she reassured me.
"Holding on is enough for now."

"I don't really feel like I'm doing great,"
 I muttered, the doubt slipping into my voice before I could stop it.

Dr. Nam didn't flinch. She looked at me thoughtfully, nodding slowly as if considering every word I said. "That's how it can feel when you're working through something so heavy, Hana. It's not about being perfect. It's about making it through those tough days, even when it feels like you're barely making it. You're still here. You're still trying."

"You have an exam this week?"
Dr. Nam asked, diverting the topic with only five minutes more for the session.

"Yes, on Thursday, it's my last one."
She nodded, as she looked through her charter.

She glanced at her chart, then back at me. "If you don't have any prior appointments, would you be able to meet on Thursday evening at 7:00 PM, just for this week?"

"That works, but... can I ask why the change?"

Dr. Nam gave me a thoughtful look.
"No particular reason. I just want to see where your mind is when it's a little more unsettled."

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

My Driver🚘Chan

hey

have you left the studio?

Sent at 6:57PM

no no

im sorry im running a little late 

i had a meeting 

im leaving now

Sent at 7:09PM

no don't leave

i have something to do
 before I go home

were you waiting at university?

that bastard didn't show up again
right?

no im not at university

and yes, the GUY didn't show up again

although, just so you know he's in my class

i don't like how that sounds but 

if you're okay

then fine by me

i'll take time

continue with work okay?

you sure?

I mean I could wait

Jisung and Changbin are here
too, we could get dinner?

I'm sure!! don't worryyy

can I know at least where you're going?

what if I said no?

I can't do much but

if you told me that'd be better

I'm going to see minho

i took a cab

he's leaving again TwT

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT

I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE ANOTHER
ROUND OF TEASING IF I SAID IT OUT LOUD

fair, but you're very much in love

SEE!?!?!

WHO SNITCHED?

NOBODY HAS TO SNITCH YOU BOTH
ARE TOO STUPID

IF YOU'RE GONNA HIDE FEELINGS

AT LEAST DO IT PROPERLY

IT'S SICKENING TO SEE YOU BOTH
PINING FOR EACHOTHER

EXCEPT THERE ISN'T EACHOTHER

NO ONE'S PINING

HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE ME 

k

DID YOU JUST

'K' ME?

cry about it

okay maybe don't

jajasusus

YOU'RE GOOD AT GUILT TRIPPING ME

YOU'RE LUCKY I CARE ABOUT YOU

HOW SWEET

OKAY I HAVE TO GO

I REACHED

A FEW BLOCKS AWAY

k

that's it you're not picking me
 up anymore.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

I rang the doorbell, excitement bubbling up inside me as all the earlier conversations faded away. My thoughts were completely focused on seeing Minho before he left.

He was about to head out, and I wanted to make the most of this moment—just a few minutes to catch up, to smile, and to be with him before he went. Nothing else mattered right now.

"Oh Hana, I haven't seen in a while, come in child."
Mr. Lee welcomed me inside.

"I was here a few weeks back, Mom told me you were out at your restaurant."

"Oh yes, I remember. I just opened a new branch a few streets away from where two live. If you ever want a good dinner, you should come over, it's closer to your place now."

I nodded, a flicker of appreciation crossing my face.
"I'll keep that in mind, Mr. Lee. Thank you."

"Honey, look who's here," Mr. Lee called out, his voice carrying through the house.

Within moments, Mrs. Lee appeared from the kitchen, her steps quickening as she jogged toward us. When she saw me, her face lit up with a bright smile.

"Oh, Hana, my baby!" she exclaimed, her voice full of affection. She came closer, pulling me into a warm hug. "You didn't tell me you were coming! I would've prepared something for you."

I smiled, feeling the genuine warmth in her words.
"I didn't want to bother you, Mrs. Lee. I just wanted to see Minho before he leaves."

Mrs. Lee pulled back slightly, looking at me with a twinkle in her eyes.
 "You're never a bother, sweetheart. If I had known you were coming, I'd have made you your favorite snack. Maybe next time?"

I laughed softly, the atmosphere so comforting it almost made the worries from earlier seem distant. "I'll take you up on that offer next time, I promise."

She smiled, clearly pleased. "Good. Now, don't stand out here all awkwardly, come in, sit down. Minho's taking a bath, he'll be out soon."

"Thanks, Mrs. Lee. I'll wait for him."

She gently nudged me toward the living room, her eyes sparkling with kindness.
"Make yourself at home, Hana. Can I get you something to drink while you wait?"

I shook my head, a small smile on my face. "I'm fine, thank you."

Mrs. Lee patted my arm affectionately before heading back to the kitchen, leaving me alone in the cozy living room.

I scrolled through my phone, tapping through a few random posts and reels, just letting the minutes pass. Then, I heard a distant door open and shut.

I looked up, glancing toward the sound. A few moments later, Minho appeared in the living room, fresh from his bath, his hair damp and falling messily around his face.

"Ahh, what the f—" Minho yelped, his eyes wide when he saw me sitting there.

I blinked, startled by his reaction.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, still a little thrown off as he wiped his damp hair away from his face.

I couldn't help but laugh, the unexpectedness of his response catching me off guard.
"I came to see you before you leave,"
 I said with a shrug, trying to hide the smile tugging at my lips.

Minho raised an eyebrow, his lips curling into a teasing grin.
"Miss me already? I haven't even left yet."

"Don't push it," I shot back, rolling my eyes.

"Are you going to drive there?"
I asked.

"Nope, I was thinking of taking the train, I'm lazy to drive. I have the tickets already, I should be leaving... well right now."

"Let's take your car, I'll drive it back home."
I said excitedly.
"I want to see you off, so why not make it easier?"

Minho paused for a moment, his gaze softening.
"I mean, I don't see why not. I'd love some company."

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

"When's the train coming at?"
I asked, checking my phone as we leaned against the platform, the minutes ticking by.

Minho glanced at the digital display, then looked back at me with a small shrug.
"It was supposed to be here five minutes ago, but I guess it's running a bit late."

"Typical."
I sighed, crossing my arms. 

"Good for us, I don't want you leave."
I laughed.

Before he could respond, a loud honk sliced through the air, sending a jolt through both of us. We instinctively took a step back as the rumble of the train grew louder, the lights of the approaching locomotive slicing through the night.

"Jeez," I muttered, startled by how suddenly the train had appeared.

Minho adjusted the strap of his bag, his gaze now fixed on the rumbling train as it screeched to a halt in front of us. He turned back to me, a small, bittersweet smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

"Well, this is me."
Minho said, fixing the bag on his shoulder.

I swallowed, my heart pulling tight in my chest.
"Bye," I said, my voice a little shaky. "Do well... whatever that is that you're going for."

Minho chuckled softly, his eyes meeting mine one last time, the glimmer of a smile still lingering on his lips. "I will," he replied, his gaze lingering on me for a moment longer before he stepped toward the train door.

Just as I thought he was about to slip away into one of the train's compartments, he suddenly turned back. Without hesitation, he rushed toward me, pulling me into a tight, lingering hug. It wasn't just any hug—it was urgent, like he was holding on to something he wasn't ready to leave behind. I could hear the rapid beat of his heart against my ear, frantic and anxious.

He pulled back slightly, his hands resting on my arms, his face softening into a wistful smile.
"I've missed you, I'm sorry, but it'll see you soon okay?" he whispered. And before I could process the words, before I could respond or even fully absorb the warmth of his confession, his lips brushed my forehead in a fleeting kiss.

It was almost endearing, how quickly and nervously he moved—so fast, I barely had time to process it before he turned away again. This time, he disappeared into the maze of the train's compartments, leaving me standing there, a soft smile tugging at my lips.

As the doors slid closed behind him, the sound of the train's departure filled the air, and I stood there, watching the train fade into the distance.

My heart raced thinking,
"What the fuck just happened?"

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶