︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

⚠️

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

"Just don't hurt yourself. Whatever it is.
Just because you have a lot of stress, it doesn't mean that you have to relieve it by hurting yourself or going ways that might really disadvantage you.
That, I really don't recommend."

-Chan's Room- ep.45-

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Hana POV:

I'm back home, but I can't fall asleep. It all blurred together—leaving Chan's house after a fun sleepover, Minho's mom, then the quiet, familiar emptiness of my own room. As soon as I stepped inside, it hit me again. The loneliness. It always feels heavier when you're back in your own space, doesn't it?

What am I supposed to do now? I can't exactly call Minho—he's asleep.

I needed something to distract me desperately. I could try to study, maybe? Get something productive done to distract myself. It's probably the smartest option.

It's been only a week since I came back, and I'm feeling like it all over again, like I still don't want to be here. Is the constant loneliness hardwired into my brain now? Even when there are people beside me, why do I feel so... alone?

It's 2AM, and I'm still awake, sleep just won't come to me. Just then my phone dings.

Straykids with Hana

+82-xxxx-xx01

you're welcome

Hana

huh?

who tf are you

who tf is stryakids

or whatever that is

MINHO??

SEUNGMIN?

JEONGIN?????

WHY ARE YOU IN
THIS GROUP

IS THIS A TRAP?

I'M NOT GIVING YOU MY
BANK ACCOUNT DETAILS

MAN IT'S 2AM DON'T
PLAY WITH ME LIKE THIS

+82-xxxx-xx02

what the hell

what's happening

Hyung????

why is this random person
calling out our friends
names?

Hana

ANOTHER ONE????

LEAVING AND Reporting

GOODBYE

I HOPE YOU ROT IN JAIL

+82-xxxx-xx01

WOAH WOAH

CALM TF DOWN

I WAS IN THE WASHROOM

I DINT EVEN EXPECT YOU
TO BE AWAKE

IM CHAN

JISUNG WHY ARE YOU
AWAKE?

+82-xxxx-xx02

I WOKE UP BECAUSE THIS RANDOM
NUMBER WOUDN'T BARRAGING
MY PHONE

Hana

Jisung?

Chan?

ah yes, makes sense

seungmin and the others
are here too

lol makes sense

sorry guys i got scared

MAYBE GIVE A LITTLE
HEADS UP NEXT TIME?

-changed +82-xxxx-xx01 to Chan-

-changed +82-xxxx-xx02 to Jisung-

Jisung

I dint even read the group title

well, Hana, although chan did a
terrible job at welcoming you
let me

Welcome to the friend group

Hana

you're cliche asf

but at least you're nice

thank you for letting me

i truly appreciate it

Jisung

are you always this sappy
at night?

Chan 

Quite mean of you to not
recognize us

Jisung

oh yea, well i wouldn't blame you
i dint realize either

Hana

you know?

oh you're the one who
realized man my bad

i barely saw you T_T
in middle school

baby 🍞

what the fuck is
happening?

Jisung

since when do you curse?

Hana

since forever?

how have you never
heard him curse?

Jisung

hey hey don't influence
him

Hana

 come on he's not a baby

baby 🍞

oh yeah thanks Hana

YEAH TAKE THAT
HYUNG

IM NOT A BABY

Chan

YOU BOTH ARE THE SAME
AGE I KEEP FORGETTING

Jisung

so?

F- I STILL CENSOR IT

baby 🍞

HAWWWW

HE CENSORED IT

Hana

HAWWWW x2

JISUNG I DARE YOU

SAY FUCK

baby 🍞

Say it you won't

Jisung

OKAY FUCK YOU TWO

Chan

Jisung actually curses a lot

He just doesn't like it

Oh he has this rap from back
when we were rookies

Jisung

CHANNIE HYUNG ILL BUY YOU
FOOD FOR A WEEK PLEASE
DON'T EXPOSE ME LIKE THAT

Chan

Promise?

Jisung

Fuck you

but yes

baby 🍞

awhh man i wish I
had it saved

Jisung

what crime did i commit in
my past life to deserve
such friends

Hana

Chan you have to show me
this rap if he doesn't buy
 you food :(((

Chan 

that was my plan
(IM JOKING JISUNG)

i know you hate it

baby 🍞

you guys don't seem to realize
but it's 2:30

AM

Jisung

It's a sunday

chill

Hana

I CAN'T SLEEP😋😍😍

baby 🍞

oh why why what's
wrong Hana??

Hana

Why do you assume
something's wrong??

okay actually i don't
 know what's wrong

oh minho is in this gc

lol he gonna see me texting
 at 2 and throw a fit

Chan

Why is he going throw
a fit again?

Hana

Cuz he's always on
parenting duty

he thinks i'll end up dead if i
 had no one to look after me

baby 🍞

he really doesn't sugar coat

where's the lie

Hana

okay fetus shush

baby 🍞

I'm older than you
smhhhh

Jisung

you really switching sides
don't you

baby 🍞

okay but im serious,
go sleep

Hana

wayyyyy tooo energetic
and jittery for that

should i go for a walk?

Chan

NO???!?

it's two am hana, you're
not going out alone

minho tells me you don't
listen

if I find out, ill call him

Hana

why are you like minho

also isn't that a good thing?

two roommates on a walk at 2AM 

ooooh maybe even a trip to 7/11

what could go wrong?

Jisung

uhh minho would kill you? 

IT'S TWO AM HE HATES
STAYING UP LATE

Hana

Minho doesn't hate staying up?

he stays up sometimes

Chan

and does what?

Hana

sometimes boxes

watches a movie with me
sometimes

sometimes i mean rarely
because i don't have time

but he likes to try and
 get me out of my room

Jisung

ahem ahem

Chan

^

baby 🍞

^^

Hana

?

Chan

I know i just met you

i already you know you're
stupid

fetus no.2 go to sleep

staying up it is since you
called me fetus

goodnight, i'm going
to try and study

Chan 

not what I was going for

but GN

Hana

YOU DON'T GET TO SAY ANYTHING
MR. I DRINK COFFEE AT 4 TO SLEEP

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Straykids 🔥🔥🔥

Chan

Hana is really dumb isn't she?

Jeongin

Trust me I know

Jisung

Minho you're whipped for your
future girlfriend arent you?

Chan

you really have a death wish
don't you?

Jisung

WE ALREADY KNOW HE LIKES
HERRRRRR

what's the worst he can do?

Chan 

acc true

IF THEY DON'T STOP ACTING
OBLIVIOUS TO EACHOTHER'S
FEELINGS IM GOING PHYSICALLY
PUSH THEM INTO A ROOM AND
CONFESS FOR THEM

Jeongin

you know what the real problem is?

Hana doesn't like the thought
of falling in love

and the whole 'they knew each other
in middle school' and the part where
the apparent one sided love Minho had,
Hana doesn't know either of those things
because she doesn't know how to love or
how a person acts when they're in love

so the thing is, Hana probably never
liked him back then

and Hana would've drawn a line,
had she realized she has feelings,
which brings us back to my first point.

MINHO HYUNG IM DOING THIS ALL
FOR YOU SO YOU KNOW HOW TO
DEAL WITH THIS

IF HANA KNOWS I SPILLED ALL THIS

SHE'S GONNA COME FOR ME

Chan 

She'll thank you once they're
together

makes sense wtv you said

she never showed interest back in
middle school either

funny how this went on till we
were in 9th

and then poof she was gone

and the rest we all know

Jisung

WHY DOES THIS SOUND SO DRAMATIC

WE'RE NOT IN A DRAMA ARE WE?

WE AREN'T

SO IT'S NOT THAT DEEP

MINHO HYUNG IS SMART 

HE'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT

HE'S NOT GOING TO LOSE THIS
CHANCE AGAIN

ILL MAKE SURE IF IT'S LAST
THING I DO

Chan

Glad to know we're all on the same page

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

baby 🍞

Hana

get your ass here

Sent at 02:30am

what do you want

isn't it wayyy past your
past you bedtime

Sent at 02:31am

Go to sleep

i just told you

i physically can't fall asleep

okay 

did something happen?

jeongin stop

its super late go sleep

and it isn't late for you?

nope im being productive

you arent denying that
something's wrong

yeah cuz

okay fine

few things on my mind

and i really don't want
to cry myself to sleep

Sent at 02:35am

is there something that's
bothering you?

Not really

Hana.

it's not a big deal

like

i was really happy this weekend

why do i feel like something
 bad's gonna happen? 

and it's so weird

i haven't had so much fun
in so long

and in the past few hours
that i spent in bed

i realized how much i loved it

how much I've missed out on

and im scared that i'm never
 going to experience anything
 like this again

oh and tomorrow is my
first therapy session

im a little scared

i don't want the doctor
 to diagnose me

i don't want it to be real

that something's wrong
with me

Sent at 02:42am

Hana

oh god how i wish i was
there right now

i'd give you hug

listen to me, there's nothing
wrong with getting diagnosed.

you're doing this, so you can
get better.

there's no shame in
struggling mentally

you have a whole support
group now

we'll never judge you

and about never going to
have so much fun

we're not leaving you

we're not going to let
you leave either

nothing bad is going to
take you away from us

you don't have to carry
everything on your own

we're here for the heavy
stuff too

Sent at 02:47am

just want to be happy
once and for all

good night jeongin

promise me that you wont
do anything stupid

is sleeping stupid?

Sent at 02:52am

no love, go sleep

CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE
I JUST SAID THAT

Sent at 02:52am

EWW YANG JEONGIN

but thanks bubs, go sleep

Sent at 02:52am

WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID
YOU DO TO CHOI HANA??!?

Sent at 02:53am

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Hana POV:

I lied. I couldn't sleep. But I knew I wanted to feel something other than alone and scared. 

The room was too quiet. Even with the soft hum of the city outside, it felt like everything was holding its breath. The kind of silence that presses down on you, like it's waiting for something to break. It didn't matter how many times I tried to distract myself with my phone or the dull, repetitive tasks I convinced myself would keep me from spiraling. It wasn't working.

And honestly, I wasn't even sure I wanted to sleep.

I rolled over, letting the cold side of the pillow hit my face. God, I was exhausted. But more than that, I was just... restless. Like there was something off about tonight.

I sighed, staring at the ceiling.

Maybe if I just... focused on something else? I reached for the hem of my waistband, pulling it down a little too far, feeling the familiar, comforting pressure that had once made everything feel lighter. I hated how easy it was to slip back into this. 

How quickly the need to feel something—anything—became overwhelming.

I hesitated. I didn't want to go down that path again. I knew it didn't fix anything. It never did. 

I stared at the drawer by my bed, thinking about the contents I knew so well. It would only take a second. A quick fix. I could just press down, get that instant rush of relief, and for a moment, the world would be quieter.

I took a breath, letting the thought roll around in my head.

"It's okay to let go sometimes, right?"

I ran my fingers over the skin, the faint scars beneath. They had been a part of me for so long, like an old friend I couldn't fully shake off. The weight on my chest didn't go away, no matter how many times I told myself that I was stronger than this. That I didn't need to do this again.

But tonight... the darkness felt different.
More suffocating. Like it was closing in from every direction, and I just couldn't breathe.

I looked at the edge of my desk, my breath catching in my throat. The urge was there, strong and sudden, clawing its way through the layers of doubt I tried to hold onto. There was no one to stop me this time. No voices in my head.

 I just needed to feel something that wasn't this numbness, this ache that couldn't be explained.

 I pulled my pants a little lower, then a little more, until my legs was bare. My fingers hovered, trembling. Just one more time, I thought. Just to feel something other than the suffocating silence. It would make it stop for a little while, right?

I didn't even realize I'd picked up the metal until I felt it, cold against my skin, sharp and raw. I didn't think about it; I just... did it.

I drew the blade across my skin, feeling the pain with each second that dragged against my thigh.

The cold bite of the blade was like a shock, a jolt that cut through the numbness and made my skin come alive with the sting, made my breath catch. It was almost as close to the kind of relief I was searching for, but it was also all I could reach for in the dark. 

 It wasn't pain, not at first—just a sharp, quick sensation, a slice through the numbness. The pain, however fleeting, felt real, and for a moment, it was enough. 

It was the only thing that wasn't suffocating me. I let my breath come shallow and fast, not out of fear, but because it felt like something.

For a second, I felt clear. The sharpness of the metal, the sensation of it moving over my skin, it was a focus. It was a distraction. A way out of the swirling mess inside my head.

I didn't know how long I'd been sitting there, my mind lost in the loop of the pressure and release, but the silence was thick again. Heavier. My heart felt heavier. 

I wiped my face, not realizing that I was crying until I saw the smear of wetness on my sleeve. My head was pounding now, my pulse ringing in my ears.

"God, what am I doing?"

I muttered to no one in particular. There was no answer. There never was.

I pushed the blade back into the drawer, hiding it again. The world around me felt too small, too oppressive. I stood there for a moment, the weight of what I'd just done still pressing on my chest. The cuts stung in the quiet, like they were demanding my attention, and I couldn't ignore them anymore.

Taking a breath, I slowly walked to the bathroom, my legs unsteady beneath me. I could feel the blood, still warm on my skin, and the tightness of the wounds as they began to throb.

 I turned the faucet on and splashed cold water onto my face, trying to shake off the fog in my mind. My reflection in the mirror was barely recognizable, eyes red and swollen, cheeks damp with tears.

I reached for the first-aid supplies in the cabinet—bandages, antiseptic wipes, gauze. My hands were unsteady, fingers trembling, but I forced myself to move methodically, focusing on each step, trying to steady my breath. 

The antiseptic bottle was cold to the touch, the sharp, bitter scent cutting through the air as I twisted the cap. I hated how it burned, but I knew I couldn't avoid it. This was part of it. Part of cleaning up the mess I had made.

I soaked a cotton ball with lukewarm water and pressed it gently against the cuts. The blood that had dried on my skin came away in dark streaks, but the skin underneath was tender, raw. I winced as I wiped away the remnants, the faint sting of it almost soothing in its sharpness. It was familiar. Uncomfortably so.

I grabbed the antiseptic wipe, holding it in my palm like a small square of control. I hesitated for just a second, then pressed it firmly against the jagged edges of the cuts. The burn hit immediately, sharp and biting, crawling along my skin. I gritted my teeth, breathing through it, but I couldn't pull away. Not now. I had to do this. The stinging heat spread as the alcohol cut through the mess I'd made, each touch a reminder that I wasn't beyond fixing.

I dropped the wipe into the sink, the crumpled fabric sinking like a discarded piece of me. Reaching for the gauze, I folded it into a small, thick pad, feeling its softness against my fingertips. Pressing it lightly over the cuts, I held it there until the bleeding slowed. 

Once it felt like the worst of it had passed, I wrapped the bandage carefully around the cuts, the soft, clean material absorbing the last of the mess. I made sure it was secure, the edges tucked just so, as if somehow making it tidy could make the rest of it feel more manageable.

I wiped my face with the back of my hand, surprised to find my skin damp. The tears had pooled without me realizing, streaking down my cheeks. I blinked them away, but they didn't stop. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to feel—relief, regret.

 Or just the absence of both— numb.

The latter I suppose because there was no ache in my chest, at least not as deeper than before.

I winced with each step toward the bed. The cloth clung to my skin, dragging at the open edges of the cuts, making it feel like I was walking through mud, slow and painful. The discomfort kept building, sharp and unrelenting.

By the time I reached the bed, I collapsed onto it, the sting in my skin almost too much to bear. The bandages were too tight, the cloth too suffocating. I couldn't find a comfortable position, no matter how I shifted. Every part of me ached.

I wanted to scream, to break something other than myself, to shatter it all into pieces. But I didn't. Instead, I just closed my eyes, trying to drown out the hum of my own thoughts.

I definitely dint feel anything but I also  didn't want to be here, in this space, with these thoughts. But I couldn't leave. I couldn't go anywhere.

For a while, I just lay there, my body a mass of contradictions—exhausted but restless, desperate but numb. I couldn't explain it. I couldn't even begin to understand it.

It was brief, just a momentary tug. All I had to do was endure it, hold on without letting it consume me.

 I had a choice. A choice that I could control completely.

And maybe that was the worst part.
I started to wonder if I ever really had a choice. 

Because if I did, why did I always choose the one that hurt?

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Minho POV:

Straykids 🔥🔥🔥

Minho

WTAF

STOP

STOP

STOP

I DON'T NEED THE HELP

but..

Jeongin is the only one
who sounds helpful

also her not liking me back

that hurt

ouch

Sent at 7:37 am

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶