︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Wanna live my life like yesterday
Never feeling down, never feeling down
In the clouds, just stay there everyday
Never coming down, never coming down

-Change-G-idle-

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Thursday: 

I woke up with a tight knot in my stomach, my mind already buzzing with anxiety. The clock ticked steadily, but my thoughts raced, fast and erratic, like a car with its engine revved to the limit. It was as if the day had arrived too soon, and I wasn't ready.

I had spent the last few days trying to prepare for this exam. I'd gone over the material again and again, but somehow, every page felt like it had more information than I could absorb. The panic crept in as soon as I thought about the test, making everything feel overwhelming again.

My heart thudded in my chest, and my hands trembled as I scribbled down key points to remember, but nothing made sense. I kept trying to breathe through the panic, but the breath just wouldn't come. My fingers hovered over the notebook, but the words felt foreign, like they belonged to someone else.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Stray kids with Hana

Chan

i just dropped hana an hour ago

she's sad

EVERYONE REASSURE HANA RIGHT NOW

she's being stupid

tell her she's gonna do amazing today

Minho

why why what's wrong

Chan

oh wow aren't you so quick to reply

Minho

Shut up, I'm just trying to help.

Hana, what's wrong?

Hana

worried im gonna fuck this
exam so bad

i can't believe there was so
much to do

i just want to sleep

Minho

WHY HAVEN'T YOU SLEPT?

CATCH UP MINHO

I JUST SAID THERE WAS NO TIME

like i covered everything

i just keep going through it again and again

(i like to create problems don't I?)

I MIGHT BE LOSING MY HEAD

AJJJSKSKSKSK

Chan

Hana, stop overthinking everything.

Seriously, you're gonna kill it today. 

Felix:

Hana, you've been preparing for this for so long.

Don't doubt yourself now.

Seungmin:

take a deep breath

you remember it right?

In for 4... hold for 7... out for 8...

Minho:

take it easy, okay?

think of happy things

OHH LIKE THE FACT THAT IM
COMING BACK TODAY

Hana

i'm sorry

it's okay ill be fine

see you in like A MILLION HOURS <3

byee 

Jeongin

I know you're nervous, but we're all
rooting for you okay?

Hana

love you guys

(i may or may not be holding back
tears please stop being so nice)

Chan

no no. don't cryy

everything's gonna be okayy

Minho

that's it i'm picking you up today

sorry chan lol

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

The exam hall was a sea of desks, each one filled with people who probably looked just as nervous as I did, but none of them showed it. Everyone else seemed so composed, as if they had everything under control. I felt like an imposter, as though I didn't belong there. My palms were slick with sweat, and my chest tightened with every passing second.

When the paper was handed to me, I could barely focus. The words blurred together, shifting on the page as if they were mocking me. I could feel the panic rising in my throat, threatening to choke me. The clock ticked steadily, and with every second that passed, the pressure grew, suffocating me.

I couldn't even think straight. The urge to flee, to escape, to make it stop, was almost overwhelming.

I glanced around at the other students, wondering if they felt like I did—like they were drowning in this sea of expectations. But everyone else looked... fine. Everyone else seemed to have it together. Why can't I be like them? The thought twisted inside me, making the panic worse.

I scribbled answers, unsure if they were even right. The noise in my head grew louder. 

You're going to fail. You're going to ruin everything.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

By the time I stumbled out of the exam hall, I was numb. My chest was tight, and I felt hollow inside. It didn't matter that it was over. 

I sat in Dr. Nam's office, my legs bouncing nervously. The familiar, warm tone painted walls did nothing to calm me. I wanted to say something, but the words were stuck, clogged in my throat. The buzzing in my head wouldn't stop.

Dr. Nam sat across from me, watching me closely, but there was no comfort in her gaze. There was only the weight of her concern, the same concern I'd seen so many times before. I couldn't bring myself to look at her directly, my gaze falling to the floor instead.

"How did it go, Hana?" she asked gently, but I could hear the tension in her voice. She was waiting for me to say something—anything—to prove that I was handling it.

But I couldn't. I couldn't give her the reassurance she wanted. I felt like I was about to break open, like I was already falling apart.

"I... I can't... I don't know what to do anymore," I choked out between sobs. "I'm so tired, Dr. Nam. So tired of feeling like this. I just want to be okay. Don't want to feel so worthless." 

I couldn't hold it in any longer. The weight of everything, the fear, the self-loathing, the panic, all of it exploded out of me in a single, broken sob. My body trembled with the release, and I felt raw, exposed, like I'd just been torn open.

She didn't respond immediately, and I could feel her eyes on me, too understanding, too gentle. It felt suffocating, like she could see right through me. I wanted to hide, to curl into myself and disappear.
"You just need support, Hana. Someone who'll be there to support you no matter what, who loves you unconditionally, proud of you no matter the result. You have them."

"What's the use when I cannot believe a single word that comes out of their mouth."
I stared at Dr. Nam, the words slipping out before I could stop them. I hadn't meant to say it out loud, but it felt like I was choking on the thoughts that had been buried deep inside for so long.

Reassurance. Love. Support. It all felt so far away, like it belonged to someone else. Someone who wasn't me.

"Why does it matter if they tell me everything's going to be okay when I don't believe them? Why should I trust anyone anymore? They've all let me down. They've all failed me."

"Hana, you cannot take your past and think that it's always going to be the same. Its not 'all' when it's only your parents who made you feel this way."

The words hit me like a cold splash of water, pulling me out of the swirl of my thoughts. I froze, not sure if I could even comprehend what Dr. Nam was trying to say. It sounded simple enough, but everything I was carrying—the fear, the shame, the way the weight of my past seemed to follow me wherever I went—told me otherwise.

"My parents are never going to change. No one else matters, Dr. Nam. I need them, their validation. I'm nothing without them."

"Why does it have to be them?" Dr. Nam asked gently.
"Why does their approval define your worth?"

How could I explain that, to me, their validation was everything? It was like a constant hunger inside of me, something I couldn't silence, couldn't ignore. When I was younger, I'd done everything I could to earn their praise. I'd molded myself into what they wanted, thought it was the only way to be seen, to be loved. But as I grew older, I realized it was never enough.

"They gave me everything I ever needed, they brought me into this world, gave me hope, gave me a purpose. How can I not crave their validation?"

Dr. Nam's voice was quiet but steady. "Hana, you are so much more than their validation. You don't need anyone to tell you that you're not worthy. You are worthy because you exist, because you have value, because you're so brilliant, not because of what others think of you."

I shook my head, the bitterness rising like acid in my throat.
"It doesn't feel like that. They've always been the measure of whether I'm good enough. If they don't approve of me, then... then what? I'm just nothing. I don't matter."

She took a deep breath before responding, her voice filled with a quiet strength.
"I understand that it feels like that right now. But you don't have to live your life waiting for their approval. You deserve more than that, Hana. You deserve to feel whole, independent of anyone else's view of you."

I wanted to believe her, I really did. But it was hard. The years of feeling like I wasn't enough, the constant need for them to acknowledge me, to show me that I mattered, had taken root so deeply in me. It felt like I had nothing without them.

"But what if they never change?" I asked, my voice breaking. "What if they never give me what I need? What if I'm always waiting for something that will never come?"

Dr. Nam met my gaze, her eyes soft but unwavering.
"Then you have to stop waiting, Hana. You can't keep living your life on their terms, waiting for their validation. You have to find it within yourself. You have to start seeing yourself the way I see you—worthy, capable, deserving of love and respect. Not because of anyone else's opinion, but because you're you."

I wanted to argue, to tell her that it wasn't that simple, that I wasn't strong enough to stop needing their approval, but something about the way she looked at me, like she truly believed I was capable of more, made me pause.

The idea that I could let go of the past and build something new felt like a dream I wasn't sure I was allowed to have.

"I don't know how," I said quietly, my voice shaking just a little.

Dr. Nam gave me a gentle nod, as though she understood exactly where I was.
"That's okay. You don't have to know how right now. But you can start by being kind to yourself. By not expecting everything to change overnight."

"I'll try," I said finally, my voice barely above a whisper. "I'll try to believe that."

"Before we end this session Hana," she said, her eyes locking onto mine,
"you cannot keep turning to self-harm as a way to cope. I know the pain feels unbearable, and I know it seems like it's the only way to stop the overwhelming feelings, but it isn't the answer. It's not helping you heal, it's just hurting you more in the long run."

"I haven't... I haven't done it... for two weeks. But I don't know if I can keep doing it,"
I muttered, the fear creeping in again.

Dr. Nam's gaze softened, and she exhaled quietly, her voice calm but filled with understanding.
"I'm going to tell you something, but I do not encourage it," she said, her words measured. 

"Even if you do slip up, after keeping away from it for so long, don't take it as a loss. It isn't. It just means you've been strong for too long. I can't just tell you to stop all of a sudden, because self-harm became your way of coping. It's been a survival mechanism, a way to deal with the things that felt too big to handle. But that doesn't mean you've failed. It just means you're human."

I stared at her, the words slowly sinking in, and for a moment, I felt a mix of confusion and relief. I'm human. It wasn't the excuse I had used for so long, but there was something about it that made me feel less broken, less like I was failing.

A knot tightened in my chest. What if I slip up again? The fear clawed at me. 

"But what if I can't stop? What if I fall back into it completely?"

 Dr. Nam gave me a steady look, her gaze unwavering.
"You will. You might. But that doesn't mean you're back to square one," she said calmly. 

"Every time you choose to step away from it, you're building new strength. And even when you slip, you don't erase everything you've learned. You get back up, take it one step at a time, and keep moving forward." Her voice softened but remained firm. 

"Healing isn't an all-or-nothing battle. There will be moments when it feels like you're back in the darkness, but in those moments, it's important to remember that stumbling doesn't undo your progress. Two weeks without self-harm—that's real progress. And no mistake can take that away."

"But keep in mind," Dr. Nam continued, her tone steady but firm, "if this goes on, you'll only be making things worse for yourself. You are struggling, and you do need to heal. It's possible that, if things don't improve, you may need a higher dosage of medication to help manage it. And I fear, I'm seeing that familiar pattern."

"I'm trying, I really am," I said, my voice trembling. "But I'm too scared to come clean about it. It's embarrassing, and... and humiliating." I looked down, feeling the weight of the words, as if saying them out loud made everything more real.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Straykids with Hana

Minho

GUESS WHO'S BACK??

OH I FORGOT YALL MUST BE AT WORK

SUCKS TO BE YOU 

HAHAH

Hana

I'm still waiting.

where tf are you?

Minho

shut up im on my way

i'm stuck in traffic and im bored

Hana

YOU SAID 10 MINUTES
 15 MINUTES AGO

Minho

OKAY THERE IS TRAFFIC I CANNOT
BREAK THE LAW FOR YOU

Hana

smh okay be quick

OKAY I JUST PULLED IN

GET UR ASS OUT NOW

OH FUCK IT'S COLD

Hana

OKAY CALM YOUR NON EXISTENT
 TITTIES IM COMING

Minho

WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT
NON EXISTENT

I'M JACKED

Felix

TMI??!?!?!?

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Minho POV:

I saw a small figure jogging its way towards me, hands in her coat pockets. Her head was down, lost in the rhythm of her steps, but the familiar bounce of her hair gave her away even before she looked up. It was her—and for a moment, everything else faded.

God I missed this. 

I missed her.

I couldn't help but smile to myself, watching her approach, her breath visible in the cold air. She always looked so effortlessly graceful, even when running, even when bundled up in layers against the chill.

As she got closer, she finally lifted her head, and our eyes met. The smile on her face was warm, a little out of breath, but genuine.

"Don't dare complain about it being cold, I was cold too, so I stayed inside the building," Hana playfully glared, her eyes narrowing just slightly, though the mischief in them was unmistakable.

 "Well hello to you too,"
I said sarcastically.
"I missed you too."

She raised an eyebrow at my tone, but her lips quirked into a grin, softening the sharpness of her earlier remark. "In your dreams sweetheart, now get in I'm freezing."

I couldn't help but chuckle at her response.
"Not until you say you missed me."
I teased.

"Over my dead body, please Minho let's go."
She whined, blowing air in between her palm and rubbing them.

I smirked, pretending to be hurt. "Ouch, you wound me."

She rolled her eyes, her breath visible in the cold air. "I'm not joking, Minho. My fingers are numb. Can we not do this in the freezing cold? I'd rather be inside, out of this frigid weather."

"Alright, alright," I relented, finally sliding into the passenger seat as I opened the door for her. I buckled up, casting a glance at her. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold, and the soft light from the dashboard illuminated her face in a way that made it hard to look away.

"You know, for someone who claims to be freezing, you sure do have a lot of energy to argue with me."
Hana chuckled, looking back at me, which brought me back to my senses. Her laughter was light, genuine, and it felt like everything else in the world faded away for a moment.

"Well, I can't help it," I said with a playful grin, her eyes glinting in the dim light.
"Arguing with you is, uh, entertaining."

She shot me a glance, her lips curling into a teasing smile.
"I guess I did miss this. And before you get your ego off the charts, I only miss arguing with you."

"Okay, well, I'm back now, you can argue all you like."
I said, pulling us out of the parking lot.

"You were gone for way too long, almost a month? I was lonely and bored."

"As if you would've spent time with me, only if you would leave your books, which wouldn't happen."

"You're not all that, Minho."
She teased.

"Everything's been good these days, right? Therapy is going alright?"

"Therapy is going... okay. I've learnt to be more open now."

"What else did I miss?"
I asked.

"Nothing much, I mean... I'm pretty boring."
She said plainly.

"You're not boring Hana"
I chuckled,
"You could tell me about your 'boring' day, and it would still be entertaining for me."

She looked at me, a half-smile tugging at the corners of her lips.
"What is wrong with you these days?"

Her laugh followed—light, effortless, and so familiar that it felt like something I'd been missing without even realizing. It was the kind of laugh that could make everything else seem a little less heavy, like the world suddenly had a little more room to breathe. I couldn't help but smile.

"I'm happy you're back though."

"I'm happier to be back."

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Minho POV:

Little does Hana know, she has a surprise waiting for her at home.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

a/n: HINT:

 "CONGRATULATIONS, AND......."
complete the sentence.

look out for an extra chapter for 25th Dec : ) as a christmas gift