︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Oh, you love me
You put me to bed
Yeah, you love me
Dress me to the nines
Yeah, you love me
You tell me I'm special, so special
I know you love me
'Cause you want the best
But you love me wrong
Yeah you love me wrong

-Love Me Wrong - Allie X, Troye Sivan-

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

It's been another week. Actually, let me rephrase that—it's been another 'tough' week. I tried to stay optimistic about therapy and the medication, but I can't help but feel worse instead. I've been attempting to distract myself, and preparing for exams has actually helped to some extent.

Minho and I have grown even closer. We're at the point where neither of us can go too long without checking in on each other. We're still best friends and roommates, though.

My midterms started on the 19th of October, and I'm still in the middle of them. The stress is definitely taking a toll. Minho's not in Seoul at the moment—he's in Daegu for his semi-finals, so Chan has been driving back and forth from university to keep me company. Minho didn't want me to be alone for too long, and honestly, I don't blame him. I wouldn't trust myself either.

Chan's been really kind—he checks in to see how my exams are going, and when I was feeling down after my General Medicine exam, he took me out for dessert. It helped a lot.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

It's the morning of 25th, Minho finally texts us back on the group chat.

Straykids with Hana

My lovely(eww) roommate🏠

Thank you everyone who
wished me

ill be expecting a surprise

your asses have to deal
with me tonight

Hana

but your dumbass isn't here :(((

WAIT 

WAIT

WAIT YOU'RE
COMING BACK????

TONIGHT?

TELL ME YOU ARE

My lovely(eww) roommate🏠

THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID

IM COMING HOME

ALSO HOW ARE SOONDOONGDORI

Hana

BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR MATCH

YOU DIDN'T TELL US ANYTHING

THEY'RE HEALTHY

SOONIE IS DOING SO MUCH BETTER

PROUD OF HIM

My lovely(eww) roommate🏠

OKAY THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF THEM

I MISS THEM THE MOST

and yeah I made it 

Hana

...

WHY AREN'T YOU MORE
EXCITED????

YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU MADE
IT TO NATIONAL SELECTION????

My lovely(eww) roommate🏠

because

I HAVE TO GO BACK TO DAEGU
BECAUSE OF IT

i dont like to stay away for so long

IM ONLY COMING BACK BECAUSE
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY

but yes, I made it.

Jisung

MINHO YOU MUSCLE MAN

YOU MADE IT

IM SO HAPPY

ILL GIVE YOU ALL THE PARTIES
YOU WANT

My driver🚘Chan

Why are you guys yelling ???

it's like 2 am

Hana

Chan...

you stayed at the studio again?

it's 8 AM

My driver🚘Chan

What?

no

no 

im home in my bed

Jisung

Yeah, yeah he's home

I made sure of it

puppy🐶

Must be getting older

can't differentiate between day and night

My driver🚘Chan

SEUNGMIN I WILL BEAT YOU UP 

I'm awake now

that was the best sleep
I've had in so long

puppy🐶

Nah you won't you love
me too much

My driver🚘Chan

I'm not falling for this

i will catch you

Changbin WHY ARE THE BLINDS
SO DARK

IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE
NIGHTTIME

IM CHANGING THEM

Hana

Anyways, back to the topic

My lovely(eww) roommate🏠

Thank you hana

thought i'd never get a chance to speak

why are you guys so chaotic

wait hana why aren't you at university?

Hana

I am, who said im not?

im at the university library

My lovely(eww) roommate🏠

Then why is chan home, sleeping?

puppy🐶

Because I took her to university today

Chan was finally sleeping

didn't want to disturb

Hana 

You're so mean seung

don't take the false credit

he was ready to go to
chan's house to wake him

My lovely(eww) roommate🏠 

Okay I-

nvm i'd rather not know

well 

he can still pick you up

ill be leaving from here
around 6pm

its almost 2 hours travel time

anyways im leaving for some work

see you guys later

you have an exam today right?

good luck, dw you'll do amazing

Hana

asjsjjs

thanksss

okayyy byeeeee

yayyyy

ill be waiting

My driver🚘Chan

yeah yeah i'll picking you up

i can't believe i forgot about it

Hana

WHY ARE YOU LIKE A DAD

My driver🚘Chan

I might as well be

because if you think about it

im everyone's dad here

because

have you see the way all
eight of you live?

im scared

you adults need a trusted adult

that's where i come in

Hana

you'd be the best father

icl

almost jealous

My driver🚘

thanks?

wait no come pc

Felix

Minho hyung when you reach,
you should come to Channie hyung's house

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

My driver🚘

hana

why couldn't u just talk there?

just wanted to know
if you're okay

uhhh yeah yeah i am

hana no

be truthful :((

okay

i love how i'm doing great

but i guess some people are
 just jealous

and then it all goes wrong

So I was right?

you're not doing okay?

well my mom called me

yesterday night

you can guess how it went

as much I'd love to guess

I don't want to divert
 from the topic 

i want to hear you out

she called me randomly

i was like wtf

it was like... 12? I think

sleep got to me, and i thought i was
gonna close my eyes for 10 minutes

but it was like an hour

she yelled at me for sleeping and
 told me to focus on studying

i was sad but...

but now I'm really HAPPY 

since minho's coming back 

did you tell seung about it?

no why would i? 

he'd be mad at her

and i don't want that

okay hang in there for
few more hours

ill see you and we can
talk more okay?

i promise, im okay

but yes, ill hang in there

bye channie

byebyee

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

My mom remains blissfully unaware of what unfolded nearly three weeks ago. She doesn't know about the scars, the attempt, or the therapy. The thought of telling her seems unimaginable. How would she react? Would she still treat me the same? Would she understand, or would everything between us change forever?

It's almost time for my exam, it's supposed to start at 3PM and end at 5:30PM. I gather my things, slipping them back into my backpack, and head to the lecture hall where it's being held. 

But with every step, self-doubt tightens its grip. I feel unprepared, stupid, and blank, as though the knowledge I've worked so hard for has evaporated. My breath grows erratic, my chest tight, as though the air I inhaled wasn't enough, yet at the same time, it's the air that I inhaled making me suffocate.

I sit down at my desk, but the room feels like it's closing in around me. The air is thick, every breath shallow and uneven. My hands are clammy, gripping the pen like it's the only thing keeping me grounded, but even that feels like it's slipping through my fingers. The buzzing in my ears drowns out everything else—voices, the rustling of papers, the ticking of the clock. It's all muffled, like I'm underwater.

I had my pills, why was this happening?

My heart is pounding, too fast, like it's trying to escape my chest. My body is frozen, yet every inch of me feels like it's vibrating with too much energy, too much fear. My vision blurs as my thoughts spiral, a thousand what-ifs crashing over me. 

I can't do this. I can't breathe. I can't focus. I look down at the exam paper, but the words have turned into a jumble of shapes. They don't make sense, none of this makes sense.

I take a deep breath, forcing my hands to steady themselves, reminding myself that I'm more than capable. The noise in my head, the panic, it's all just noise. I'm here for a reason, I've put in the work, and I know this. I know this.

I straighten my back, straighten my mind, and refocus on the paper in front of me. The words begin to make sense again, the jumble of thoughts clearing like fog lifting after a storm. I grab the pen with purpose, my grip firm, the way it's supposed to be.

The panic doesn't go away, but I push it aside. I focus on the exam in front of me, question by question. Slowly, the words start to make sense again. My hand moves steadily, and I realize I'm making progress.

Time ticks away, but I keep going. I finish the exam, the sense of accomplishment sinking in. I've done it. I didn't let the panic stop me.

As it's time to hand in my paper, the anxiety still lingers. It's not over yet. I know I did well, but that nagging feeling is still there.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

"Hana! Over here!"
I heard Chan calling my name.

I started walking toward him, but before I could reach him, a voice interrupted me.

"Hana, wait!"
I froze. It was Yedam, and the sound of his voice sent an uncomfortable shiver through me. He jogged up to me, breathless, and for a moment, I wanted nothing more than to be left alone.

"I really don't have the energy for your nonsense right now. Please, just let me go,"
I said, my voice sharp, trying to push past him.

Yedam didn't move. His gaze remained fixed on me, a mix of concern and determination in his eyes. I could feel the weight of his stare, pressing in on me, but I just wanted to get away from him.

"Who's that guy? I've seen you go home with him these days."
His voice was hesitant, and the words hung in the air, sharp and pointed.

"A close friend," I forced myself to look at him, my face carefully blank.
"Why does it matter to you? Why do you know who's car I'm riding?"
I asked, trying to keep my voice steady, but it came out more defensive than I intended.

"It doesn't," he said quietly, his voice softening slightly. Then, with a small, almost teasing tilt of his head, he added,
"If you wanted someone to take you home, you could ask me. You know your father likes me."

I felt my blood boil. "I'm not my father now, am I?" I snapped, voice sharp. 

"And I don't like you. I thought that was mutual." My words hit hard, more venomous than I planned. "I would never in a million years let you take me home, let alone associate with you. So please, stop pretending like we're friends, because we're not, and I don't want to be."

I turned to walk away, but of course, he had the audacity to grab my wrist, pulling me back.

 The nerve. This is exactly why I hate his guts.

Chan, who had been nearby, saw the exchange and rushed toward us, his voice cutting through the tension. "Hana!"

"Don't fucking touch me,"
 I spat, jerking my wrist out of his grip, furious.

Yedam pulled his hand back, looking a little thrown off.
"I'm just asking to take you to and from university, that's all. It's not a big deal."

The nerve of him. I didn't even know how he could still think this was a reasonable request.

Chan was standing beside me now, his stance protective.
"Hey, man," he said, his tone lethal, "back the fuck up. She told you to leave her alone."

For a moment, there was a charged silence. Yedam's eyes flickered between Chan and me, but he didn't push any further.
"Okay, I'm sorry, won't happen again,"
 he muttered, his voice tight, before turning and walking away.

As he left, a strange emptiness settled over me. My legs felt like they might give out, the tension in my body finally catching up with me. It was as if the weight of everything—of what had just happened, what had been building all day—had drained the life out of me. I stood there, frozen for a moment, as if my soul had left my body.

I could feel the world spinning around me, but I couldn't seem to move with it. The overwhelming rush of emotions—the anxiety, the anger, the exhaustion—crashed over me like a wave. I wanted to scream, to cry, to let it all out, but the only thing I could do was stand there, feeling small and fragile in the aftermath.

Chan's voice cut through the haze, his hand gently resting on my shoulder.
"You okay?" he asked quietly, his concern evident.

I nodded, though I wasn't sure if I was lying to him or to myself. The truth was, I didn't feel okay. I felt like I had just barely held it all together, and now that the storm was over, I was barely standing.

"Hey, it's okay. You know that guy?"
Chan asked, his voice gentle but steady. I could see through his attempt to distract me, his eyes trying to soften the tension.

He's... just someone I know," I muttered.
"through my parents."

 "Okay, well I know you're not fond of your parents, so I'm assuming that's a bad thing?"

I simply nodded, but my mind wasn't even on his question. It was like I couldn't focus on anything but the storm of emotions swirling inside me. 

This wasn't about Yedam or my parents—it was about the damn exam. I was still reeling from it. His interaction just made things worse.

"I don't even care about Yedam right now," I said, my voice breaking slightly as I finally let the words out. "It's just... the exam. I feel awful." I could feel my chest tighten again, the weight of everything pressing down on me.

I could see the confusion in Chan's eyes, but I couldn't stop. Everything had just piled on top of each other, one thing after another, and I felt like I was suffocating.

"I thought I was ready, but I couldn't even focus. I blanked out. My mind went completely numb. I don't even know if I did well, and I just feel... terrible. I mean I did all the questions, but I'm pretty sure I got some wrong because I was just going through my notes before I headed over,"

The words spilled out of me in a rush, like a dam finally breaking. The panic from the exam, the frustration with myself—it all came flooding through. I wanted to take it back, to hide, but I couldn't stop it.

Chan stood there, stunned for a moment, clearly not expecting the outburst. His eyes softened, the concern deepening. He stepped closer, but this time, he didn't say anything. Instead, he just reached out, placing a hand gently on my shoulder, grounding me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice small, barely audible. I couldn't believe I was breaking down in front of him. I felt exposed, vulnerable, but at the same time, I couldn't stop the flood of emotion that kept pouring out.

"No, don't apologize," Chan said, his voice firm but kind.
"It's okay to feel this way. You've been through a lot."

I shook my head, feeling completely defeated.
"I'm not supposed to feel this way. Like I know I didn't completely suck, but I'm still so scared, I don't—"

The tears were threatening to spill again, but I couldn't bring myself to care anymore. My hands were shaking, my heart racing, the suffocating weight of everything just getting heavier. I wanted to scream, to get it all out, but the words were stuck in my throat.

"Hey, hey, come here, it's okay,"
Chan said softly, his voice soothing, as though trying to pull me back from the edge.

I looked up at him, feeling completely lost, like I was drowning in everything I couldn't control. "Can I give you a hug? You look like you need one."
His voice was gentle, almost hesitant, as if he was giving me the space to say no if I wanted.

"Please."
And before I could say anything else, he stepped closer, his arms open, and without thinking, I found myself stepping into the comfort of his embrace. It wasn't like the world suddenly made sense, but for that moment, the tightness in my chest eased just enough for me to breathe.

It wasn't an affectionate hug, nothing more than a very friendly embrace—just enough to offer comfort without crossing any boundaries. His arms were firm but not too close, giving me just enough space to feel supported, not smothered. I wasn't looking for anything more than that right now.

"You don't have to worry so much," Chan said, his voice soft but firm. "I know you don't have much control over it, but we're all here for you. All of us are a big family, okay? It doesn't matter if your real family makes you feel so terrible, you can expect us to treat you so much better."

His words hit harder than I expected, and I found myself choking up again. The idea of a family—one that wasn't tied to blood, that wasn't bound by expectations or disappointments—was something I'd barely let myself hope for. But hearing him say it, hearing it come from someone who wasn't bound to me by obligation but by choice... it made my chest tighten in a way I didn't expect.

"You're brilliant, Hana," he continued, his tone gentle, but there was a sincerity in his eyes that made it feel real. "I've seen you revise in the morning, with your eyes almost drooping, your notes a testament to how much you've worked for it overnight. And although I don't recommend it—"
He pulled away slightly, holding onto my shoulder, looking me in the eyes with that unwavering steadiness of his.
"I'm proud of you. Always will be."

The words lingered in the air, settling in a way I hadn't expected. I blinked and for a moment, I didn't know how to respond.

I had never allowed myself to truly believe that someone could be proud of me. That I was worthy of pride, of respect, of care. But hearing him say it like it was a simple truth... it made everything feel just a little less heavy.

"Thanks, Chan," I whispered, the words coming out quieter than I meant, but they carried something deeper than simple gratitude. "I really needed to hear that."

He patted my shoulder gently, as if trying to reassure me, and said,
"Okay, let's go now, we'll get late for his party."

I wiped my tears quickly, feeling the weight of the moment lifting just a little.
 "Can you take me home first? I need to get ready and grab his gift—it just got delivered a few hours ago."

Chan nodded, understanding, but then hesitated.
"Oh sure, we can do that. But Felix asked me to pick up some decor, and I still need to go."

I glanced at him, trying to piece everything together in my mind.
"Don't worry about it, I'll drive there. I'll need my car anyway, and I still have a couple of exams left. I need to come back home."

Chan raised an eyebrow, but then his expression softened.
 "Oh, that makes sense. You'll be fine, right?"

"Of course," I said, the words coming out with more confidence than I felt.
"Let's go before we get late."

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

"Oh, Yedam, please come in! My, you've become even more handsome since the last time I saw you."

"Hi, Mrs. Choi. I'm sorry for dropping by so unexpectedly. I hope it's not a bother."

"No, not at all! It's always a pleasure to have you here. After all, this is your home too—especially since you're going to be my future son-in-law."

"Actually, that's exactly why I'm here."

"Oh? Is something wrong?"

"Is Hana... not aware of this arrangement?"

"About the two of you getting married? No, we really haven't had the chance to talk about it properly. Whenever we bring up marriage, she shuts us out. So, we thought it would be best to wait and tell her when the time feels right. But if you two aren't already dating, don't hesitate—honestly, that would be the smartest decision Hana can make."

Yedam's voice was sharp as he responded,
"I'm afraid it's not like that. I'm sure you know this already, but that's part of why our families set this up in the first place. It's more than just an arrangement, Mrs. Choi. I really do like her and I need you to help guide her, make her see the bigger picture."

Mrs. Choi's expression shifted, a flicker of something calculating in her eyes.
"I understand. Hana can be... unpredictable, especially when it comes to things like this. But we both know what's best for her. She just needs a little push in the right direction. I'll have a word with her, and I'm sure she'll come to see things our way."

"Thank you Mrs.Choi. I really appreciate it, and thank you for your help. And not to be a snitch, but I think Hana might have a boyfriend. She says they're just friends, but I'm not sure, I saw them hugging each other today."

Mrs. Choi's expression darkened slightly, her smile faltering for just a moment. She quickly regained composure, her voice smooth but laced with concern.

"A boyfriend, you say?" she murmured, her eyes narrowing.
"That certainly complicates things. I'll have to look into this."

Yedam hesitated, then nodded.
"I'm not sure what to make of it either. She insists they're just friends, but it's hard to ignore what I saw. I didn't want to jump to conclusions, but I thought you should know."

Mrs. Choi let out a soft, controlled laugh.
"I'm sure there's an explanation. Hana has always been a bit... difficult to understand when it comes to any relationships. But it's nothing we can't handle. I'll have a talk with her."

"Thank you, Mrs. Choi. I really appreciate it. I'll leave the rest in your hands."

Mrs. Choi stood alone in the dimly lit hallway after Yedam left, the faint sound of her heels clicking as she paced back and forth. Her thoughts churned, and a heavy sigh escaped her lips. Hana's latest behavior was enough to make her blood boil. The audacity—her daughter, of all people, caught up in some silly romance when she had so much more to understand.

"How could she be so... naive?"
Mrs. Choi thought bitterly, pausing to glance at a framed photograph of Hana as a little girl.
"All these years of raising her, teaching her what's important, and this is what I get? Falling for some... boy? Is she really so foolish?"

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

"Hana, where are you?!" Felix's voice came through, full of excitement.

"Sorry, Felix!" Hana laughed, sounding a bit rushed.
"I got stuck deciding what to wear. I didn't want to go overboard, but I also didn't want to look like I wasn't trying at all."

Felix chuckled on the other end of the line.
"Don't worry, I'm sure you look perfect. It's not like anyone's expecting a runway show or anything."

"I'll be there in 10," she said, still laughing lightly.

"See you soon!" Felix's voice bubbled with excitement.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶