They say December is the month of joy, happiness and to finish what you started. If there is anything deep in your heart that you want to keep buried, you can count on December to bring it to the surface.

Her favorite month of the year had arrived once again. Not everyone claim it as their favourite because they go after Februaries, Septembers or Aprils. The color of winter is in the imagination, only there can we feel the rare beauty. Like snow; snow is a magical thing. It acts like an angel, fluttering down from the sky with such grace and elegance and softly lands on the earth. Its awe inspiring majesty made her soul rejoice. Everything glistens, as if a fairy has sprinkled her dust over the entire world. Colours are brighter against the pure white blanket that spreads as far as the eye can see. How cannot they fall in love with this month?

Every winter was a door to solutions of her life's biggest challenges. She could see new dreams, gain new hopes and end problems. This winter, however, was different from the rest of her life. He wasn't with her this time.

Since he wasn't with her anymore, there didn't seem to be any need to celebrate his birthday.

However she recalled the memories from the past years on this day, every sweet and romantic moments spent with her beloved husband. Seokjin was always excited for his birthday. He didn't show it, but he would give hints and gestures every now and then. Even as an adult, he loved to recieve gifts and attention on his birthday. She vividly remembered the rule he had set for his birthday, which was she had to give him kisses based on the number of his age. So every year he reached another age and would recieve an extra kiss.

"No, you missed one!" Seokjin pushed his bottom lip in a pout.

Yoon Min rolled her eyes, "I counted correctly."

"You kissed this spot twice."

She had to chuckle at his cuteness. "Fine, I'll give you one more."

As he cheered and waited for a kiss on the lips, she gave a quick peck right below his mouth, on his chin. She ran away while he ran after her to get that awaiting kiss.

She smiled and her heart curled up in a small ball, missing those spectacular days. Even a year ago, he was there with her, asking for his rightful kisses. Where did he run off to this year? Where was he? Didn't he want her kisses any longer?

She promised herself she would consider Seokjin just a chapter of her life story. Maybe the best and the most beautiful chapter, but that chapter had come to an end. She promised herself she would focus on moving on the way he wanted and solely concentrate on the baby. But she knew deep down she was unable to keep that promise.

There was a thin thread behind her vision, pulling her finger every moment towards the past, towards that best chapter. As if she didn't want to read the next chapters, as if she could reread the best chapter over and over. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't run forward. She was stuck in the memories of him and truthfully, she didn't want to let him go.

She was far from happy as she still missed Seokjin like crazy. A hollow emptiness had expanded in her chest, clawing its way through her heart, lungs, ribcage until she had to press her arms around herself tightly to prevent herself from breaking down. She had to stay strong for her baby. She shouldn't think about her dead husband too much. He won't come back anyway.

The baby wasn't her blood or in her womb. Yet it was a part of him. That's all she needed. A part of Seokjin. To grab onto the fake scenario that he was still alive and by her side. A fake remedy yet the best one.

So even though it was the day of his birth, she shouldn't care. He was gone.

"I'm assuming you didn't hear anything I said?" Jisoo asked with an annoyed face, glancing to her side.

Yoon Min came back to her senses and found herself driving. They had visited the hospital for a checkup. Jisoo was almost 27 weeks along now, she had been doing a great job. And so far, their cherished baby boy was healthy.

She thought of a reply quickly but the other cut the chance. "I'll just repeat it for you. I've been thinking of my manager's offer. I think I should sign it. I mean, the drama's not gonna start filming now so that gives--"

While Jisoo continued chattering, she looked around while driving and she noticed a white blanket of snow covering the trees, ground, and houses. The branches of the trees bowed with the heavy load they were carrying, bending towards the ground. It made her think, that if only they could shake themselves like a dog.

No offence, she loved Jisoo, but not when she talked too much.

“I'm hungry. Can you get me an iced latte?” She made puppy eyes.

“God, your cravings are so weird.” Yoon Min replied with a smile.

“And sudden.” The pregnant mother added.

She parked the car in front of a cafe, across the road and got out of the car. Snowflakes fell gently from the sky, tickling the end of her nose. The icy winds blew against her jacket, the fabric keeping her warm enough to feel comfortable but not to keep her cold thoughts away. Slamming the car door shut, she was about to make her way inside when Jisoo pressed the horn button to get her attention.

“White chocolate latte!”

Yoon Min showed her a thumbs up before looking sideways to cross the road carefully. There was tons of traffic since it was Monday despite the cold season. Her feet felt slippery on the road slightly due to the snow. She crossed the road and entered the cafe, the warm environment welcomed her. She ordered the latte for her friend and waited at the counter.

Her thoughts filled her mind with scenes of warmness and bliss, a recollection of past memories and fond moments. This cafe used to be a regular place for them. She used to come here with Seokjin almost every day to get their coffees. They were a regular face. It’s been a while she came here.

“It's very cold, right, Mrs. Kim?” The female waiter asked as she recognized her.

People still called her Mrs. Kim. It was awfully nostalgic.

“Yes, it is.”

“Be careful out there. My friend who works in the news told me the rate of accidents are increasing since the last week.”

She nodded, “I will, thank you.”

Receiving the drink, she came outside and stood under the falling snowflakes for a minute. The winds were cold, almost freezing her skin with a simple touch. The icy air whistled around her ears, causing her skin to tingle and sting. She saw her car parked across the street and Jisoo concentrated on her phone. For a second, she thought it was going to be just another day.

Until...

Suddenly, she saw a large black SUV driving extremely fast and recklessly on the road as if its driver had lost control. It was going too fast, moving right and left with no direction. At one point, it even missed the red light and crashed right into her car. Her car spun in circles, slamming into another car. Then came another car. Her car hit the front of a truck, spun and hit the back. Hitting one more time before its wheels slowed down to a side.

Everything happened in a slow motion. In a matter of seconds, the horns of several cars and people's screams resonated through the cold air.

The sky above was an unholy mixture of shale-grey and it appeared silent and empty. The world around her was imprisoned in a glair-white silence. Nothing sounded, nothing stirred, nothing sang. Her eyes were begging to twitch but her whole body appeared frozen at the sight. Fingers and toes were numb and bloodless. Mind spiralled within a timeless space. Her vision blurred under the effect of black smoke and her own tears.

People from everywhere ran to the sight of the crash, yelling and crying for help. About five vehicles were hit and crashed including a truck now spread in different spots. None of them appeared undamaged or unbroken since several parts of the vehicles were missing and dropped on the ground. Black and ash smoke that smelled like burning firewood took place in the road like a dense fog.

Cries from the birds ahead interrupted her thoughts. Her hand dropped the drink she was holding and it reached her mouth. Her heart was beating profoundly in her ears, slowly everything making way to her senses. She saw the crash site and the wreckage of the cars but only one thought rang in her brain.

Jisoo was inside her car.

“No!” Unfamiliar screams came out of her mouth as Yoon Min ran towards the quickly formed crowd. She squished her body through different sizes of people, murmuring and taking pictures of the crash; her heart scared to death as she reached closer. Once she was in front of the spot, she found her car shattered, mangled, and crumpled from the impact, fallen to its right side. It didn’t even look like her car. The glass of the windows shattered everywhere as if someone splashed a cup of water.

And behind the deployed airbags, there was a passed out woman, the weight of the car pressed down on the lower half of her body with monster force, thrown her upper body outside the window mercilessly, blood profoundly splattered.

Yoon Min wasn’t able to speak from what she saw. The noises she heard when it happened, the eerily goosebumps felt when the car was smashed, the loud and fast beatings of her heart were cooking her right sense of mind elsewhere. She knew she lost her voice, she opened her mouth but no sound came out. Like in a dream where you scream but nothing is heard. The shocking realization of what was in front of her vivid eyes murdered all of her hopes for a future, all her dreams and everything. She knew she was back again, in her constant state of tragedy.

Jisoo was in a huge car accident, and there was a baby in her womb.

“No! No, no, no--” She screamed and fell to her knees, watching the pregnant woman's body covered in blood and pieces of glass stuck in her arms and head. Her bloated belly was bleeding profoundly, truly a horrifying sight. Frozen tears dropped from her eyes and bled in the snow.

Yet another catastrophic disaster of her unfortunate life.

--------------

Yoon Min was in front of the operation theatre, knees shaking violently as she prayed to Almighty with all her heart.

Four ambulances had come to the accident site within minutes and took the injured victims to nearby hospitals. So far, Jisoo was considered with worst injuries and they took immediate actions on her. Hearing her accident, the media arrived at the hospital like a hungry animal seeking for meat. The police took great care by shoving them all outisde.

She was lost in a state of mind, where she was once again at the verge of blaming herself for everything. It was her fault Jisoo got into an accident. It was her fault to park the car there. It was her fault of not taking good care of her. Everything was her fault. All the misfortunes of her life must be because of her. It must be because she was meant to be a problem in others lives. Because of her, her husband took a bullet to the forehead and her friend was fighting death.

There's got to be something wrong with her. Not with her fate, but with her decisions and choices. Maybe she did some wrongful sin in her previous life or hurt Almighty in a way no one can imagine. For this, she was getting punished so cruelly. And every tragedy triggered her heavy sense of guilt. Ending her with putting the blame on herself for every little thing.

After an hour or two, the chief surgeon came out of the theatre and searched for her. She stood up immediately and looked at him with eyes begging for a good news. He walked to her, pulled down his mask and started to inform her.

“The patient faced two highly risked factors in the accident. The impact of the seatbelt on her abdomen caused direct injury to the fetus as well as the deploying airbag impacted her abdomen with significant force. Resulting her to meet placental abruption.”

Yoon Min just listened.

“Placental abruption occurs when the placenta partly or completely separates from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery. This can decrease or block the baby's supply of oxygen and nutrients and cause heavy bleeding in the mother.” The doctor took a sharp breath.

“In her case, the placenta was completely detached. As a result, the mother is bleeding heavily and severely hurt in almost every part of her body. About the baby, due to the lack of oxyzen and direct impact of the crash, his heartbeat is slowing down and barely audible.”

Her heart stopped, “W-What?”

He nodded. “The patient has been bleeding so heavily that she can go into hemorrhagic shock any minute and if this continues unchecked, death will quickly follow.”

Hearing the situation, she wasn’t properly able to comprehend to his words. This had gone to the most serious level. Life and death were playing cards, building the tension successfully.

She stared at the doctor and asked, gulping the stone lump in her throat. “So...you mean to say both of them are dying?”

The doctor was sad and grievous. But not close to her. He must've been seeing these so often that it wasn’t puncturing his heart like her. He couldn’t see what she was going through right that moment.

Yoon Min shook her head, tears rolled down her cheeks, “N-No. Please save them, doctor. I beg you, please...”

“There is a way, you see.” He took his time to talk. “I want to recommend a very urgent termination of pregnancy, or abortion you can say, as a life saving measure for the mother, in order to prevent her bleeding to death.”

That wasn’t in her mind. That wasn’t what she asked to Almighty. These terrible surprises were attacking her weak heart so often that her own legs felt wobbly and mind spaced out.

“Look, the baby has suffered a great injury already. Babies who manage to survive placental abruption can be born with brain damage. Some are born with physical disabilities. I'm not even sure if he'll survive once we get him out of her stomach.” The doctor was giving her all the possibilities.

Yoon Min's eyes grew big and surprised at his suggestion. “You mean...kill one to save the other?”

“Yes. If we save the baby by taking him out now, the mother's not gonna make it. And if we let the baby die in the stomach, we can save the mother.”

What kind of bullshit was this?

“The decision is yours. But my suggestion is we think of the mother in this case. There are higher chances that the baby won't be healthy and normal after birth.”

She let out a mocking chuckle and asked, “Are you asking me to c-choose between the baby and the mother?!”

Judging the tone of her voice, the doctor knew she was upset and confused by the suggestion. It was normal for her to react like that. Everyone would in her shoes.

“I know this is coming out as a shock. But this is the only way to save one of them. Currently, both are on their death bed. You would save one's life than letting both die, right?”

“Are you hearing yourself, doctor?” She shouted at him. “This is ridiculous! I'm not God. I don't get to decide who lives and who dies. This is practically murder!”

Her heart was beating too fast that she could taste her own heartbeat.

“I-I'm not...I'm not doing this. Please. You have to save both of them! P-Please doctor, I'm begging you!” She joined her hands and started crying helplessly.

The doctor was also helpless. “Ms. Song, please try to understand the situation. We're running out of time and we need to get to a decision. Think of it this way, you'll saving someone's life at least. You may be letting one die, but you're saving another. There's nothing we can do to save both the mother and the baby. You've to understand that.”

She kept pleading and sobbing, refusing the idea. She couldn’t do that to them. Kill one and save the other. No way. She never could do that.

Hands covering her mouth, she paced around to think of a solution, anything that can save both. But she reached none. Not in this state of madness. There was no other option.

“Ms. Song, you have to take a decision fast.”

Jisoo had been a great friend during the past months. She listened to her stories, she helped her mentally and she took the greatest sacrifice by choosing to have the baby and hand him over to her. Though she was mean and rude in the past, her regretful behaviour and friendly attempts washed those sins away. If she dies, she wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of killing her.

But what about the baby? He was everything to her. He was the flower she earned after hundred days of journey, he was the remedy to all her wounds and pain, he was her only hope behind her existence. She had loved the baby so much already before meeting him. She was so excited to see him, to take care of him and to make him the happiest. She was ready to be his mother. If he dies, she wouldn’t be able to spend another moment in earth.

Both meant everything to her. Both were her lungs. She needed both of them to live, to be happy, to forget what happened. They didn’t deserve to die. She did.

In life, we need to make the hardest choices. We don't want to, but we have to. In order to gain something, you need to lose something. You cannot have both of them and be selfish. And sometimes, you have to choose not for yourself, but for the person you love. You need to think what'll be better for the world, not for yourself.

Whatever happened wasn’t the baby's fault. It was rather a blessing. But the baby wasn't Jisoo's choice. She received it unwillingly and she was going to abort him too. She was asked to keep the baby, risking her health and career just for the sake of another woman. Just so she can have a reason to look forward to life.

None of them deserved to die. Both had their full rights to live. But choices had to be taken, sacrifices had to be made. And so did deaths had to be considered.

“S-Save her. Save the mother.”

It took all of her soul to utter that sentence. Tears dropped in heavy regrets as she started to cry bitterly. She couldn’t be selfish in this situation. Since the beginning, it was her who wanted the baby. It was her who needed him because he was a part of her dead husband. She thought she could finally live if she had him beside her.

But she realized if she chose the baby over Jisoo, she might regret her decision for the rest of her life. The baby would remind her of Jisoo's death and that will kill her. Besides, there were higher chances of the baby failing to survive. It would be a waste to kill her then.

The doctor stared at her miserable, poor state and nodded his head.

“Okay, we'll do that. I want you to know you've taken the best decision.”

Saying that, he didn’t waste time before walking inside the operation theatre to save the woman.

Yoon Min felt sick in the stomach. She hadn’t felt this bad in a long time. It felt like she was being stabbed everywhere on her body for making that choice. She could hear unknown voices that was calling her a murderer. Her hands covered her ears before shaking her head. She wasn’t staying sane, she was going crazy. Her head started to ache terribly in pain.

She was gasping for breath. She couldn’t breathe because her ribcage was tightening and suffocating her organs.

All she did was run. She needed to go to a higher place. Under the open sky. The rooftop. That's where she headed after killing her child.

Because certainly she didn’t deserve to live after making that horrible decision.