Yoon Min once read in a book that there are losses that rearranges the world. Deaths that change the way you see everything, grief that tears everything down. Pain that transports you to an entirely different universe, even while everyone else thinks nothing really has changed.

She experienced those emotions to the core. She faced them every day, every night; slowly changing with the wind of time.

After the death of Seokjin, she was starting to lose faith and hope from all the things she used to respect before. She saw the world monochrome, colorless and boring. Her heart never healed from the deepest scar and wounds. She didn’t have anyone by her side, she didn’t have to care for anybody. Autumn days seemed shorter, dark nights lingered longer.

The only prevailing thought through night and day was he was gone. He was no longer there to embrace her, to kiss her, to protect her from the smallest things, no longer his laughter echoed in the house, his touches faded away into dusk. Sometimes it seemed like he was never there, never ever alive to breathe in this world. Only memories and flashbacks remained, those were securely protected inside her heart.

When she lost him, she lost herself as well. Maybe not to death, but to the feeling of being alive despite being lifeless. She lost herself to black darkness, neverending nightmares, sorrowful memories, remorseful tears. She was never herself after his death.

Until she found a tiny miracle. Seokjin's baby.

All of a sudden, her life took a sharp turn to a different route. She was taking small steps through the darkness, guided by her grieving heart. The road of grief was too long as it stretched lifelong. But finally, she saw a light at the end of the road. A light to march towards, a hope to grasp.

There had been days at the beginning, when the wound was too raw and bloody that the thought of him brought floods of memories, consuming her mind for the rest of the day. When the littlest things triggered the bittersweet flashbacks, his plump lips and heavenly voice, the love in his eyes. There had been days like this when she cried and wailed his name, clinging onto the yearning for his arms to wrap around her and kiss her forehead. Days when she kept apologizing like a mantra and stare at his photos. She wondered sometimes how could she ever move ahead without being slammed by his memories.

But slowly with the turn of months, she was learning to let go. She was growing to let go of that pleading aching weak part of her that wished that she would open her eyes and it was all a nightmare. And she was able to let go, because of the child.

The child was growing steadily in Jisoo's womb. She made a great sacrifice by hiding from the world and rejecting any offers given to her. She only focused on the child and on herself, as she was ready to repent for her sins. And Yoon Min on the other hand, grew excited as every second passed. She was already in love with the child, inspite of not carrying it inside her.

There were so many things to wonder about the child as it was growing. She wondered when she'll get to meet it, she wondered who it will be or who it will take after. She wondered if it'll be a boy or a girl. She didn’t care. What she never wondered was how much she'll love the child, because it was already her everything. She grew too attached to the child that she stuck by Jisoo's side 24/7 in order to help her and support her both mentally and physically.

She threw herself in studies and researches about pregnancies and new mother's responsibilities. She was pushing away the pain and trying to bury it under buying various stuffs for Jisoo. She brought her comfortable clothes, cozy pillows, healthy snacks, medicines and tips from doctors. Depite Jisoo keep forbidding her to do all these pamperings, she provided her enough entertainment and comfort to keep her strong and healthy for the next months.

They say a baby fills a place in your heart you never knew was empty. For Yoon Min, the baby actually put a magic in her broken heart, as it was beginning to warm up. With the presence of the baby, she was starting to smile and spend days, not locked in her bedroom, but thinking of toys she should buy. She started to go on with her daily life, eating, sleeping, showering, taking care of Jisoo, falling in love with the baby more.

Another miracle the child brought upon her was the newly friendship with Jisoo. Both the women were putting their past behind and looking forward to a good future. They stayed in touch, but they didn’t realize when their bond was already strong and healthy. They took their time to talk to each other, open up about their feelings and apologized for whatever happened in the past.

Unexpectedly, Jisoo was a great friend. She would encourage her to talk about her pain, she would tell her to stay strong, she would apologize multiple times and let her touch her belly. She was being very considerate and kind to her. It truly felt amazing.

“You told him to go kill himself?” Jisoo asked, a hint of disbelief in her voice.

Yoon Min slowly nodded her head, her own words echoed through her ears and ring a migraine.

She didn’t know what to say regarding that. It sounded too messed up and toxic.

“I don't think it was your fault. You said that out of rage.” She fixed her position on the bed. “But you shouldn’t had said that, right?”

The other nodded again, wishing so much to take back her disturbing words from that day.

Jisoo clicked her tongue, “Look, basically Seokjin was feeling guilty for hurting you. And he clearly mentioned in his letter that his suicide has nothing to do with you. Although it might seem your words initiated his brain, it's actually not your fault. I mean how could he just go kill himself just because you said so? He did that because he thought you would be happy without him and he couldn’t live with the fact he betrayed you.”

She never blamed her for what happened. Rather she told her he was an idiot to commit suicide. This was such a big relief, though her heart wasn’t ready to believe it yet. Her promising words were starting to make her feel relax, slightly.

Because she knew she will never be able to stop blaming herself.

Jisoo looked at the heartbroken woman sitting on a chair beside the bed and asked with care,

“After his death...what do you feel mostly all the time?” She once played a doctor in a drama who dealt with psychological patients. She remembered the dialogues and felt the need to use them on her.

Yoon Min didn’t answer straightaway. She was hesitant for a while, her finger drawing circles on the bed. There was a faint sad smile on her face as she replied,

“A famous man once said, ❝The power of death is not that it can make people die, but it can make the people left behind want to stop living as well.❞ She took a small pause, “I think I can understand his words better than anyone right now.”

The actress let out a disappointing sigh, “Don't say that, Yoon Min. Don't say stuff like that. Why would you want to stop living? You did nothing wrong.”

The other was very grateful that she was helping her in the best way. But no matter how hard she tried, she would never be able to feel what the other was feeling, not even a bit. The pain, the loneliness, the fear, the guilt were all together morphed into one poisonous emotion that was eating her alive.

“Who's gonna take care of this baby if you think stuff like that?”

She took in a big breath, “That's why I'm staying strong, Ms. Kim. This baby...is my everything now. My reason to live, my remedy, my only living memory of Jin.” Placing a gentle hand on her stomach, she smiled softly, “It has become so important and precious to me within a matter of months as if...I've always loved it as far as I remember.”

Jisoo also smiled and looked at her own stomach. “Hear that, baby? Your mom's crazy for you already. Be prepared for all the love she's gonna smoother you in.”

The comment made the other chuckle softly. “It's not like I'm gonna be the mother entirely. You'll always have the first right over it. You don't even have to give it to me if you want. Just let me see the baby sometimes.”

Yoon Min always made sure Jisoo was alright with her offer. She didn’t want to make her feel guilty and hand over the baby when she's biological birth mother. She always asked if it was okay to take the baby as hers to manage its upbringing.

Luckily the actress was totally okay with the offer.

“Hey, a deal's a deal. I'm gonna be the aunt and you'll be the mother. That doesn’t mean I don't love it, I just want it to have a better parent.” She also placed her hand on her belly. “We'll take care of the baby together.”

She nodded with a happy smile as if that was the perfect thing.

It was amazing how Jisoo was being so nice and regretful at the same time. The same woman who gave a damn to people's feelings was sacrificing her successful career for the sake of carrying a child that she conceived unexpectedly. This is the power Regret holds. It changed her completely into a good person and a friend.

“You know...” Jisoo spoke up after a minute. “You and Seokjin...you guys were really great together. I'm admitting it so better believe it.”

She only smiled a little, not sure how to react. He committed suicide because of her; on what context did they look great?

“It wasn't because of anything special. I think you were just there for him as a human being. And he was there for you too. Seokjin had a tough time growing up, though you had far more difficulties and problems. He just never had anyone to show his true self and be free. He wanted to be open and free with me but I didn’t bother. I used to hate emotional stuff like that. But you really made him feel he was home.”

Did she? If she made him feel he was home, then why did he leave this home? Why did he have to leave? She used to be proud of the golden fact that she managed to be the person Seokjin loved the most in the universe. And she was the one who fought a hundred wars to be with him and took care of him like a family. But nowadays, she didn’t feel the pride or joy anymore. All those meant nothing if the result turned out something unimaginable, that she killed him to be honest.

“You listening?”

Being a little startled, she responded quickly, "Yes, of course! I was just...”

“You really believe he died because of you, don't you? You don't even believe you loved him enough.” Jisoo was so done trying to make her understand.

Yoon Min lowered her gaze. “You'll never understand, Ms. Kim. No one will.”

The actress pressed her lips together in defeat. Sure, she won't understand her. She never even had the guts to love someone so hard like she did. But she can try to make her pain go away for a short time at least.

“Call me Unnie.”

Yoon Min's eyes popped out of her head as she stared at the other with the most shocking expression.

“Oh my God, really?”

“Yeah. I'm starting to like you so...”

She squealed in a silent fan-girling scream after a long time. Covering her mouth with her hands, she couldn’t hide her excitement and overjoy at all.

“I always wanted to call you Unnie! I even told this once to Jin. He said you would never let anyone call you that!”

Jisoo scoffed and crossed her arms, “Well he was wrong. I'm letting you call me Unnie so think of this as a blessing.”

She laughed, heart filling up with this newly friendship.