Courrier

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Month 1 without Shawn by my side. You could slowly see my stomach growing, but you could also see how I suffered without him.

My hair got really dry to the point where it just stuck to my head and spread in every possible direction, I got dark circles under my eyes because I couldn't sleep at night without him warming me and gently caressing and kissing my belly like he did every single night two months ago.

As I lied in our bed and stared at the white ceiling my phone rang- a picture of Shawn and me on his couch popped up, back when everything was still alright, my arms around his neck and lips on his cheek, a huge smile on his face.

I quickly accepted the facetime call and seeing his face pop up on my screen made me wanna cry of joy. But I saw that he was having a hard time too.

His eyes were red, like he had been crying and he had dark circles under his eyes just like me.

"God, I missed you so much.", he whispered as he saw me. I couldn't see his face properly. It was just bad lighting, but I knew he needed this as much as I did.

"How was your show? Where are you right now?", I asked. my voice trembling. I tried to control my emotions, but it was hard. Maybe it was because I was pregnant, or propably because I haven't seen him in about a week, due to his busy schedule.

"Lisbon. I have been with my grandparents all week and they don't have wifi. I would've called sooner...", his voice broke off and I could see him biting his lip. It destroyed me seeing him so sad, almost unrecognizable. It was killing me.

"The show was... well. You know.", he said after he took some heavy breaths.

I nodded. I knew he was crying by the way he rubbed his eyes and turned away from the camera every once in a while. I also knew he hid it to be strong for me. Because I needed some stability. But I just knew him too well.

"I can't do this, Shawn. I need you. I need to hug you. I need you to put your arms around me at night. I haven't had a proper nights sleep ever since you left."

"Do you honestly think it's easier for me? I am worried sick, all the damn time. And at least you can let your emotions out. I need to pretend I'm fine all around the clock. I cry myself to sleep at night, knowing that I can't protect you from anything, that I can't feel my baby's first kicks...", his voice broke off again and some tears slipped from his eyes.

Oh how I wanted to hold him, stroke his back and whisper in his ear that everything would be okay.

But it wasn't. And it wouldn't be.

•
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•

Month 2 without him.

And I thought that month 1 was bad.

Month 2 was when everything shattered:

I was in the kitchen making a fruit salad when I felt the stabbing pain in my stomach and lower back.

"AALIYAH!", I screamed and she came running from the kitchen to check up on me, but I already fell to the ground, pain exploding in my whole body.

I just remember screaming.

I remember Aaliyah yelling into the phone that it was an emergency, that I was bleeding to death.

I remember the stabbing pain making me with I'd just die.

I remember Aaliyah holding my hand.

I remember worrying about the baby.

And I remember how it all went black.

•
•
•

I woke up in a white room with this stabbing headache and strong hands holding mine.

"She's waking up.", a familiar voice said, a voice that I hadn't heard in too long.

My eyes flew open and I saw his beautiful face, but with so much pain and fear written on it.

"What happened. Why are you here?", I asked Shawn, trying to grab his hand, which rested on my stomach.

Then it hit me.

"Where's my baby?", I said loud. Too loud, because the doctor who had patiently waited in the far corner of the room looked startled. But I couldn't care less.

I grabbed Shawns hand harder: "WHERE'S MY BABY!?!?", I screamed.

"I'm sorry Miss...", the doctor started but I shook my head.

"NO! THIS IS NOT TRUE. Tell me this is not true.", I looked at Shawn, who's face blurred from the tears in my eyes, but I saw his streaming down his cheeks and I saw his shoulders softly bobbing up and down with his sobs as he said: "It's true, baby. I'm so sorry."

And I completely lost it.

Shawns point of view

She cried so hard, I had to hold her close to my chest, so she wouldn't fall.
But I could barely hold myself up.

I was just getting out of the plane when Aaliyah called me, crying about Nats being in the hospital and about how she didn't even know what was going on. I had been planning on surprising her, but instead I dropped everything at the airport and got to the hospital as fast as I could.

I found her there, unconscious, in her assigned bed.

The doctor told me first. My family had been here, holding me while I broke down.

I could feel Aaliyahs arms around me, holding me when I broke down crying, telling me that it's gonna get better. That at some point it's gonna hurt less.

Now I had to say the exact same thing to Nathalie, lie to her, like Aaliyah lied to me.

Truth is, this is never going to get better.

"What was it?", she whispered.

"A boy", I simply mumbled, trying to swallow the lump in my troat. Tears kept streaming down my face, but I didn't feel them anymore. I only saw them in my reflection in the window.

The only thing I felt was the pain in my whole body, and the pain radiating from her when she whispered: "A baby boy. Little baby Skylar."

That's when I let my head fall on her chest, having trouble to breathe from all the sobs escaping my body. I didn't try to hide it. Why would I. I knew she felt the same way. Her chest was quickly moving up and down while she cried, stroking my hair.

We felt this misery together. It didn't make us stronger, but it kept us from drifting apart.