Shawn Mendes

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I thought it was good for our relationship that Shawn was travelling so much.

We both had our freedom, and we had time to miss each other. Missing someone means you still wanted them. That's what I learned from this new life of mine.

However, now that the Festival season, as well as the Award Show season was over, he was home a lot.

We still weren't talking much since the VMA's and our 'fight'. Yes, we were meeting with friends often, but after that we walked back home in silence.

I worked a lot. Spent long days in the studio, dancing, distracting myself from my problems with Shawn. I also talked a lot with Chiara, who decided to join me in the studio in Toronto.

Of course I still loved him, I really did. But I couldn't help but feel that he was living life at a faster pace than I did. His life was exciting, fast, with parties, attention and fame- everything that I despised.

I just really hoped we both could fight for this relationship to work, that he still wanted this relationship to work.

But my worries disappeared when I came home that one night.

Because as I took my shoes and my thick coat off, that protected me from the first cold of the year after a burning hot, long summer Shawn approached me quietly and suddenly pressed me against the closed door, laying his lips on mine.

After a short, but intimate kiss he pulled away, laying his forehead against mine, closing his eyes: "I hate this.", he sighed, "I hate that we can't talk anymore. I hate that we can't even look each other in the eyes."

He kissed me again, a short peck, but I could feel the emotion behind it, the horrible sadness. It was exactly how I felt.

"I don't know what to do Shawn. You have to understand. I want to make this work. But I don't know how.", I pressed my face against his chest and felt him sigh. He had the same fear as me, that I would give up on us. He pressed me against him tight, making it hard for me to breath, but I didn't care. His smell surrounded me and I finally felt safe- something I haven't felt in about 2 months.

But he didn't seem relieved, he seemed in panic. Before I could look at his face he turned away from me, quickly walking towards the couch. At first I thought he just wanted to sit down, but then I realized his tense shoulders, his quick, unsteady breathing and his shaking hands.

Then he crumpled to the ground like a child, leaning against the side of the couch with his head in his hands, choked sounds of despair coming from him.

I've never seen him like this. I didn't know what was wrong with him. And worst of all, I didn't even know what to do.

I fell to the ground next to him and gently touched his head, hugging him, stroking his back, trying to make him feel better. But I knew it wouldn't work like that.

"Shawn? What's going on? What's wrong with you?", I begged him for an answer. As he looked up to me I saw that his face was tense, but his eyes were red, like he was rubbing them to avoid crying. I quickly grabbed his face and kissed him, long, meaningful. He kissed me back, but his lips were trembling.

I was scared, tears forming in my eyes.

"Shawn, please talk to me.", I whispered and pressed his head to my chest. His whole body was shaking and he was sweating. I was crying now too, I had a lump in my throat and waves of panic were radiating through my body.

"I feel so powerless", he whispered and I gasped of relief. But he wasn't quite done yet. He raised his head and looked at me deeply, "I can't seem to fix it- us. I can't seem to fix anything", he attempted to hide his face from me again, but I wouldn't let him.

Instead I grabbed his hands and pulled him up on the couch. Then I brushed away the tears from my cheeks and sat in front of him.

He is always the strong one of us. Now I have to be strong for him.

"Shawn, you once told me to stop hiding myself from you. Now I need you to do the same. You have to tell me what's going on."

He nodded slowly, sitting up, wiping his nose and then started talking, still not really looking at me: "I don't want to lose you. But you're right, our lifes don't fit together. Not at all. I just,... I don't want this to end. ", his voice started trembling and I grabbed his still shaking hands. Suddenly he looked me in the eyes. His gaze was intense: "I will give up my life style for you. I will give up everything for you, whatever you want me to. I'll give up my job, my home. I swear. If it makes us work better, I will do anything. I love you, Nathalie.", he squeezed my hands very tight, so tight that my bones creaked, but it didn't matter to me.

"Hey, do you feel that?", I put his hands on my shoulders and mine on his chest, "I'm here. And I won't leave. I won't give us up without a fight. You are willing to give up everything to be with me, but it shouldn't be like that. You already gave so much. Now it's my turn to give."

And just like that everything was fine between us. He pulled me onto his lap and started kissing me.

I decided to fight for it. Just like he did as well. He deserved this. Ideserved this. Because we loved each other.

As he carried me up to our bedroom I knew that it was right. And I knew, I'd do anything for him.