Missy Higgins

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Before I could go back to the couch and pretend that I didn't see anything, Shawn saw me and waved me over.

"Patricia, this is my best friend, Nathalie. Nats, this is Patricia, my girlfriend."

It was like he punched me in the face. My body went numb and I could only stutter an "Okay, hi.", shake her hand and give her a fake smile.

Girlfriend. He didn't tell me about that. Why wouldn't he tell me?

We walked back to the couch and all sat down. "So, Nathalie. How long do you know Shawn?", she said and stroked her long hair behind her shoulder.

"About a year.", I said plainly and sunk deeper into the cushion.

I knew I was rude, but I couldn't help it. I just really wanted to disappear at that moment.

"I met him about 2 weeks ago. He is so charming, isn't he?", she continued and looked at him with dreamy eyes.

I think I'm gonna be sick.
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"So, girlfriend, huh?", I asked before going to bed. He, who stood next to me at the sink and brushed his teeth, nodded.

"How come you never told me about her?", I tried to hide the hurt in my voice, but the look he gave me proved that it didn't quite work how I planned it.

After he was done he turned around to me: "I wouldn't call her girlfriend in the literal sense of the word. We hooked up a couple times and I went out with her once to watch a movie. She's not the brightest."

I nodded, but still there was this weight on my chest, that didn't seem to go away.

"Well,", he said after he was done washing his face, "Have a good night. Tomorrow I'll show you Toronto."

He winked at me and I gave him a smile, but I didn't really feel it.

He noticed, but kept quiet and left, before the situation could get even more uncomfortable.

•
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•

Toronto was absolutely beautiful. I loved the city, the suburbia, the restaurants, the people.

But I'm sure that Shawn noticed something was wrong. Ususally people don't see it, because I'm very introverted, very careful with giving up any information about myself, but to him I was as transparent as water.

"Are you planning on telling me what's wrong with you at some point?", he asked while we sat in a Sushi restaurant. I sighed. I didn't want to tell him what was wrong with me- obviously. How are you supposed to tell the guy you rejected that you're jealous of his girlfriend. That you expected him to wait for you forever. I felt so selfish, even thinking that.

So I dodged: "I just miss my parents, that's all. I mean, I talk to them everyday, but still. "

Shawn smiled at me and grabbed my hand over the table. The weight on my chest got heavier. Lying to him made me feel bad as well.

"I know what you mean. I miss my parents as well, even though in my case they're just 30 minutes away.  It just doesn't change. You'll always need them. The people who have done so much for you, made you who you are. Hurting them feels like hurting yourself", during his talk his eyes never left mine.

And that's when I knew that he knew.

He knew that I was jealous.