I don't want to be envious of my friends, family, or anyone.
Everyone deserves their happiness and victories.
I know this.
So why does it sadden me so?

Because I'm not displeased at their wins, I'm displeased at the lack of mine.

"I got the new job," cheered my friend to me, "The high paying one!"

I watched them, wondering how that's fair. For I worked hard as well but still don't have a job like them. Do I even want a job like them? I don't think I do, so why do I feel saddened and bothered by this? Still, I like seeing my friends accomplish things, so I smile and say: "I'm glad. Good luck."

"Should I start following this course to learn this?" asked another friend with uncertainty, a tone that said they have already decided on no but with the right push another consideration might take place.

Why is it when my friends are debating something to further their education, I feel a sudden clench at my chest? That instead of saying 'You should go for it!' I say; "Are you sure?"

I do not wish for anyone's downfall. I like seeing my loved ones achieving things. But how I wish I was also achieving things.

I realize this was not the right answer, how selfish and cruel it is to push them to not try new things, and so I add: "It's something new but it could be fun. Won't know until you give it a try."

They thanked me and left. I regret how I answered, but I also regret not being the one who was looking at new things to try. Next day I search up, but find nothing of interest.

Why do I wish to compete myself against people when every person is different, achieves things at different ages and rates, and don't have the same interests to accomplish.

Because one friend is a barista does not mean I must now also be one, for it is not my passion. It is theirs.

So where is my passion?

I don't know.

Hearing others have a passion, a goal to work towards, gives me guilt for it makes me feel like a loser who accomplished nothing.

Yet when I speak of my life experiences people react as if I have. So maybe I have and simply don't realize. I don't think I ever will.

I have concluded a simple thing: I need to stop comparing myself to others for no two lives will ever go the same, we all have our own battles and accomplishments, and that is okay.

That is what makes each person unique.

That is something we should admire in each other; share life experiences to learn more of different worlds, take as inspiration to never give up or feel put down by, but try more and learn possible new interests, instead of being envy.