Chapter Twenty-Four: Maggie

Civility in our interactions took a while to be amended, but it happened nonetheless.

I'd be lying if I said the shift didn't surprise me at first, then again the process was very gradual. It took a while for either of us to notice, but soon, I feel as though we just mutually came into an agreement that holding grudges never really led us to anything fulfilling.

It was clear as well, that after having noticed the concealed - but in his eyes, rather visible - fissures of my relationship with Levi, it became easier for him to let go of hatchets that were going to be buried either way. I would've found this offensive if I hadn't already come to terms with the fact that there was no use hiding something which was only slowly killing me from the inside.

I had no qualms admitting to myself that it's futile to perpetuate the picture-perfect image of Levi and I's relationship when we both know it's anything but, and perhaps the realization resonated soundly to the point Evan became aware of it too.

In a way, our minds have always been in sync like that.

Once he noticed that I gave up, little by little, in trying to convince not only him but also myself that there was no use keeping up this charade any longer, I instantly picked up on his recognition.

Not that it was surprising, he manages to find out the truth even if I don't offer it to him on my own.

The more I removed the barbed wire-shaped lies I used to block him out, the more he started to trespass my territories with ease, becoming comfortable with initiating conversation, approaching me without feeling the need to put his guard up, and just dropping the previous hostility altogether.

It took some time to get used to, then again I've been more familiar with the gentleness in him than I am with his scorn. It's not lost on me, but whenever he subjected me to either, I was less likely to be caught up in the latter, simply because I knew that it didn't take long before any indignation he had against me would simmer down and evaporate.

In a way, I clung onto that reassurance for hope, because even though it was frustrating, a better part of me knew we can't really stay resentful of the other.

It was practically in our nature to forget but mostly to forgive, even though he hadn't said that he has forgiven me, I'm taking his willingness for reciprocated politeness as a sign that it isn't impossible.

I held onto that as tightly as possible, as we started to rebuild our rapport from the ground up again, even if it meant we only engaged in casual interactions, I'd take whatever I can get.

However, just because we found common ground doesn't mean we could make whatever we have into something more. We can't be close friends and we most certainly cannot partake in socialization that's outside University.

Once this project is over, I have to remind myself that everything is purely professional and we can only be friendly to each other in the same way it's mandatory for colleagues to be friendly with each other, nothing more. I don't want to grow too optimistic thinking there's a life outside of this that we can make happen, because there's not.

At the end of the day, I still have a relationship I need to sustain no matter how fundamentally broken it is, and he still has a life outside of the relationship he's already ended with me.

I must remind myself that it's madness to even entertain the idea that there could be something more, because I'm not allowed to have anything more, and he deserves more of what he's already had.

I can't afford to be greedy for the sake of wish fulfillment.

I attempt to move on with my everyday life and just try to juggle mundane responsibilities like I normally do, and so far everything has been going exceptionally well.

Although there was a distinct shift in Levi and I's relationship that was downright awkward at times, I had to make things work and most days it does feel like nothing's changed.

He hadn't mentioned what happened with me and Evan last Monday ever since he confronted me about it, it was almost as if he was doing his best to erase it from his memory.

Pretend as if it never happened and we should just move forward with our lives, and if we keep this up, I might find it easier to keep up with him and do the same.

It's tiring, I admit, to constantly check up on Levi and see how he's feeling to make sure his mind isn't being contaminated with doubts and suspicions regarding the stability of our relationship, the feeling of walking on thin ice still hasn't subsided, but that's love isn't? Making things work despite how uncomfortable it can get? It's what you get out of it that matters, right?

There is a part of me that wants to believe the end results are worth it... because I know they are.

* * *

So I proceed with my routine like any other day, getting ready for school and dismissing the abundance of beer bottles practically overflowing in the trash bin of my father's kitchen as I finished breakfast and waited for Levi at the front of my father's house.

Once he arrived I got inside his car and received a chaste kiss on the cheek and a 'good morning' from him, something that he always greets me with, I took that as a morning reliever that all was well and dandy, as I continued to ask him how his morning went and what he had planned for the day.

To which he responded by offering a tight smile and saying, almost in a contrived tone "Not much," as if he didn't want to elaborate on it.

Which took me aback, considering he tends to babble on about his upcoming agendas regardless if I ask him about it or not, but then I assumed maybe he just wasn't in the mood to talk, and chances are he'll just get into the mundane details once we get home from class.

We arrived at NYU and nothing was out of the ordinary. Levi and I met up after our classes to go get lunch, met up with the group to work on the project again, and maintained professionalism in moments Evan and I were bound to talk.

We weren't short of tension, but it was still better than our previous socializations where we kept making unnecessary jabs at one another, and for the most part, our peers noticed it and appeared to be quite pleased that we were finally getting along.

The deadline was drawing near and with just a little bit more perseverance, I could make it out of this unscathed with nothing to worry about.

Evan and I would simply go on our separate paths and act as if we were just strangers all over again. Which, don't get me wrong, does leave a sinking feeling at the pits of my stomach knowing that after everything we've been through, we ended up like this.

But I'd rather have this than to spend most of my days dodging remorse and feeling as though I'm walking on a tightrope whenever he's around.

You just have to learn to live and move on.

* * *

Our classes came to an end and Levi drove me home. I was expecting him to finally go on a tirade about his whereabouts but surprisingly, what came out still was a blank slate.

Again, I just tried to convince myself that he was having a bad day, even most chatterboxes like Levi have their moments. I'll admit that the silence fills me with dread, whether it be deep-seated intuition that's just preparing me for the worse.

But I had to be pragmatic about this and presume that it's not about me and that maybe he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. God knows how many times I've acted the same way.

The car ride was silent and once he parked his car at the front of the house, I did a double-take because he didn't seem to get out of the car with me this time, considering he usually walks me up to my house and checks to see if my father is home so he could greet him before leaving.

But he does none of that, forcing me to say "You're not gonna come with?"

He made a visible swallow, throat bobbing up and down. "I'm just tired at the moment, my professors dumped a load of work on me and I need to get to them as soon as possible."

"You're not even going to stay for dinner? My dad might be home."

He shook his head "I'll try to make it up to him tomorrow."

I didn't bother pestering him about it, as it would seem silly to make a huge deal out of a mood swing. He's not always going to be in the happiest of moods, and again, it doesn't have to be such an issue unless I make it into one.

With that, I offered him a warm smile and leaned forward to give him a quick peck on the lips, to which he accepted earnestly, and when I pulled away to look at him, an indecipherable expression flashed through his eyes that I wasn't able to discern when he suddenly looked away.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I reminded to which he nodded in return.

I got out of the car, raising a hand to wave at him as he drove off, and I let my eyes linger just a little bit longer at the back of his car before proceeding up the steps of my father's house.

I was greeted by our housekeeper, and before I could continue going up to my room to rest, she suddenly stopped me "Ms. Carter, your father requested you go to his office as soon as you arrive home." Clarice informed me as I raised a questioning eyebrow.

"He's here?" she nodded, which caught me off guard for a second as I wondered what could've caused him to arrive home early, not to mention call me up to his study to talk.

Considering he doesn't discuss things for the sake of conversation, he either needs something from you or you've done something that got on his nerves that he has no choice but to take matters into his own hands.

I feel the trickle of perspiration slowly slide down the skin of my forehead just thinking about what could've landed me in this ordeal, and not wanting to envision the worst possible scenario, I head to his study to get it over with.

I discovered him seated on a leather chair situated at the center of the room behind his dark, mahogany desk, attention zeroed in on whatever document was clutched between his hands, his reading glasses propped atop the bridge of his nose as I entered his study.

I may despise a lot of my father's choices but if there is one thing that I could at least appreciate, it's his decisions in interior design. The room held an almost warm, cozy ambiance to it, the flooring is of hardwood, coated in a Hershey's brown shade, with a polished shine to it due to the lamination.

The walls were a beautiful hue of hickory with floral patterns in the color of wheat, contrasting nicely to the beige furniture that alternated between modern and vintage aesthetics.

On the right side of the room, there's a huge floor-to-ceiling bookshelf that reached both ends of the wall and contained books of classic literature ranging from Charles Dickens, Ernest Hemmingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Margaret Atwood, and Agatha Christie.

He's an avid reader, my father. Something I've inherited from him considering my mother wasn't nearly as invested in books the same way he was, on very rare days when he doesn't make me want to tie a noose around my neck, we held some rather fulfilling conversations about the books I've read during my leisure time to which he also took a liking in during his adolescence. It was the one shared interest he and I have in common.

I walked up to him and instantly noticed the hardcover book lying on his desk, tightly bound by plastic wrap, indicating that it's a new purchase. I picked it up to examine the title.

"Dante's Inferno," he clarified as I looked up, "You mentioned not having read it yet."

"It's on my list of books to buy,"

"Now's the time to cross it off, then." he mused "Read it and tell me if it piques your interest, if it does I'll purchase Divine Comedy for you."

He may be insufferable, but he never fails to quench my thirst in specific areas most people would usually find intimidating about me "Thank you," I said, taking a seat on the soft, leather-cushioned armchair that faced his desk "Mind telling me why you called me up here? Aside from giving me the book, if it is, I'll be out of your hair."

"It's not just the book actually," he answered, setting down whatever he was reading and taking off his glasses to rub the visible exhaustion swimming in his brown eyes.

The signs of old age in his appearance weren't hard to miss, the fine lines were prominent, the streaks of gray hair overpowered the ones that maintained their ash blonde color, and his eyes had a permanent bleakness to them that can only be achieved through an endless cycle of work.

However, he still bore that same unnerving impudence from when he was in his early 40s, being able to command the room with a slight increase of volume in his voice, or just looking at you with a dead set gaze that told you to shut up and listen to him.

He's attempted that tactic on me on several occasions, but unfortunately for him, the apple didn't fall too far from the tree, and I don't want to back down from a fifty-year-old man with a God complex, and he knows that. That's why he's given up trying to intimidate me using his countenance, as he simply just asserts his power over me through other exploitative means.

But that still doesn't stop him from pinning me down with a stone-cold stare, trying to signify that he meant business when he called me up here "I know I haven't always been available, I know you don't come to me when you have issues and you'd prefer to talk it out with your friends considering it's hard for you to establish a comfortable relationship with me. But I'd prefer you not to withhold information from me, especially when I know it requires my attention."

My chest started to tighten, but I feigned indifference as I asked him "What are you talking about?"

His eyes narrowed at my pathetic attempt at naivety, demeanor radiating an air of impatience as if he was waiting to confront me about this for too long. "I was told that you've been keeping in contact with a person you shouldn't be keeping in contact with, Maggie."

The atmosphere started to feel too suffocating as if the walls were closing in on me, but I persevered, not backing down "And who's that person supposed to be? I know a lot of people-"

"Why did you hide the fact you've been keeping in contact with Evan, Maggie?"

He didn't allow me to deflect the subject, getting straight to the point as I went rigid, as if all the air in my lungs vanished, the room suddenly feeling a lot tighter, a lot more difficult to breathe in.

"You think I wouldn't find out?" he taunted, challenging me.

I swallowed dryly at his stoic demeanor "How did you know?"

"It doesn't matter how I found out, what matters is that you lied to so many people including me." I processed his choice of words, the need to refer to the collective instead of just himself.

Then realization washed over me, and when it did, I felt a bubble of laughter escaping my lips, despite my desire to erupt growing stronger, akin to the surface of lava gurgling before the entire volcano implodes.

"Levi fucking told you, didn't he?"

"No," he was quick to deny it but I knew better than to believe him, and I just smirked at his dishonesty being clear as day in my eyes.

"I'd rather you just stay silent and act dumb instead of spewing outright lies straight to my face," I hissed to which resulted in him glaring at me in umbrage as if I was the one being unfair.

"That man has done nothing but to look out for you, Maggie-"

"Look out for me?" I echoed "What part of him confiding to you after I told him not to fret over Evan being here is him looking out for me? Not trusting me when I told him I'll handle it?"

"I wouldn't put it past him not to believe you, you haven't made it easy for anyone in your life to do so." I scoffed at his ridicule "What? You think it's not plausible you're the reason why he's having a hard time trusting you?"

"All I'm getting out of this is that neither one of you would want to believe anything I say even if your lives depended on it because you think so lowly of me," he shook his head at that.

"I trust you with a lot of things, Maggie-" I chuckled at that "But trusting you to control yourself near that boy is something I know you'll always fail at because you don't know any better."

"He no longer means to me in that kind of way and I told Levi that." I insisted and he's the one to appear amused with my dishonesty this time.

"If he really means nothing to you, why did you go out of your way to make sure I didn't find out he was here?" he implied as I went silent for a moment, and a flash of victory could be seen on his face "You don't mean what you say, Maggie."

"Because you're a fucking sociopath is why I didn't tell you!" I exclaimed, no longer being able to contain my aggravation as he scowled at my words.

"Watch your tone, Maggie."

"And let you negate my concern for him because I know you'll do your best to make his time here in New York a living hell?" I countered "I may not fulfill anything of the romantic kind, but I still give a shit about him because he gave a shit about me. I wouldn't be here if you hadn't threatened to ruin his life if I didn't break up with him."

"Which makes it all the more likely for you to not mean what you say because he's the reason behind all of your foolish decisions, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt there's nothing different about this situation. You'll forever let that boy make an idiot of you as long as he's in your life."

"He has a life of his own as do I. What? You're telling me he can't attend NYU just because I'm there? You're going to force me to transfer again because you're so threatened by him?" I rebutted "You patronize me for letting him dictate my choices but you're no different from me."

"It's because I know the influence he has on you." he pressed on, rising from his seat "You'd destroy your entire future for the chance to run away with that boy, but I'm simply nudging you into the right direction. I wouldn't be this worried if you didn't give me a good enough reason to do so."

"I told you, I'm over him. If you didn't give me a good reason to worry about his well-being I wouldn't be so secretive about my whereabouts either." I ventured as an exasperated sigh blew past my mouth.

His eyes stayed far too long on me as if he was contemplating on an idea of utmost importance. Finally, he averted his attention and clucked his tongue at the side of his cheek.

"I will give you time to prove that you are to be trusted. I know you lack critical thinking when it comes to that boy, you become indulgent and frivolous. But I also know you're not inconsiderate to let old habits be the cause of another person's misery. You won't be stupid, because you can't afford to be dumb at the expense of someone else." he looked away afterward "Something that unfortunately, you got from your mother."

I gritted my teeth before turning on my heel to walk out of the room "Maggie." he called out.

"What? What now?" I snapped as he appeared unfazed by my insolent response.

"You left the book," he pointed to the copy of Dante's Inferno as I marched my way up to his desk to retrieve it before turning around to walk back out again "And remember,"

I halted at the doorway, waiting for him to finish even though it was taking every ounce of self-control left inside of me not to blow a fuse at how unnecessary and unjustifiable all of this was.

"You only get one shot," he reminded me, "So don't disappoint me."

* * *

After years of being surrounded by men who are so insecure about their masculinity and aren't mentally adept that they take it upon themselves to vent their frustrations out on the women in their lives, I've grown to romanticize the bare minimum.

At this point, I don't know how to distinguish genuine kindness from basic human decency.

I've become so alienated from patience, trust, and loyalty from a partner that I'd accept it from anyone at this point, as I look back on the days where I've felt the most secure with my relationship with Evan and craving it the most now after learning about Levi's deceit.

The following morning when he picked me up to go to campus, it wasn't difficult to notice, straight off the bat, that his intentions from yesterday about not wanting to stay any longer had a purpose, and I know that he knows the damage he's done, and he's reaped what he has sowed.

So as I stepped inside his car and slammed the door shut on my way in, he didn't flinch, didn't even question the reaction, as if he was expecting it, and somehow that riled me up even more.

We drove to campus with the kind of silence that felt more unbearable than the one we shared yesterday, considering the tension between us now is no longer fueled by unresolved conflict because we finally know what we're dealing with, and not one of us is happy about it.

That's why when he finally stopped his car at the parking facility he has reserved near NYU, he exhales a deep breath, but I don't even allow him to speak before attempting to get out of the vehicle right away.

"Maggie-"

"I don't want to talk right now, Levi."

"Maggie, you're being unfair-"

"I'm being unfair?!" I couldn't help it, I couldn't repress my growing indignation as it blew past the roof and I whipped around to glower at him "I'm the one being unfair after what you did?"

"I had no choice," he ventured, his thinning forbearance finally hitting its expiration date as he spoke with visible exasperation "You were withdrawing from me and God forbid I had my suspicions especially after everything we've been through and how much I know you're so susceptible to your own unhealthy habits."

"What fucking habits, Levi?"

"Your habit to come back to something you know isn't good for you," he reprimanded, which earned a distasteful laugh from me.

"You and my father both think you know what's good for me, huh? You both think I can't handle myself and therefore that makes you think you have the right to treat me like a child?"

"Nobody's treating you like a child, we're just worried."

"This is not worrying!" I cried out "What you're doing is making my own damn decisions for me and putting me on child lock as if I'm not a woman in her 20s! I'm an adult, Levi. I don't need you coming to my dad to tell him about what's not good or good for me."

"You've gone through traumatic experiences, Maggie. After what your mother made you go through, you feel like the only source of stability you can get is from Evan, you've grown dependent on him even though he's clearly not good for you. Look at you, you're letting him dictate your decisions for you! Letting your rationality be swayed by him!" he argued as I scoffed.

"Please, don't try to armchair diagnose me, Levi. Not once have I ever felt like I was being controlled by Evan nor have I ever let him choose my decisions for me," I pointed out "It's quite ironic actually, seeing the pot calling the kettle black."

Something on his face twitched as those words left my mouth, perhaps a flicker of annoyance as I was getting out of the car "Are you saying you feel controlled by me?"

I couldn't help it as a snort emitted from me, amused at the fact that even when I shout what I feel from the top of my lungs or scream it straight to his face, he still feels the need to ask.

Always needing me to spell things out for him.

"Figure it out on your own, Levi." I scorned "Considering you know me so well."

* * *

For the entire day, I gave him the silent treatment and opted to do longer than just a day, probably until I know he's learned his lesson not to go behind my back and snitch on me to my father.

I don't expect much from Levi. When you've been in a long committed relationship and have moved past all the honeymoon phases, you just have to accept that trials and tribulations are bound to happen and that it doesn't mean your relationship is in detriment.

It's only normal that you two don't always get along, aren't always on the same page, and aren't always going to be happy with the other person's choices, but that doesn't mean you love them any less.

But when it keeps happening to the point that the bad times start to outweigh the good ones and you've become prone to trusting your doubts than you are with your oaths, that's when the problem starts to arise, and it's been a long time since I've last felt remotely secured with my relationship with Levi.

He's more inclined to trust his presuppositions than he is with me telling the truth, and what more does he have to lose now knowing that I'm under my father's care and not my mother's?

The only reason we had fallen out in the first place was because of the engagement and how it allowed white lies to infiltrate our relationship, which we were able to rectify when I told him the truth.

That's why it baffles me that even when past issues have been resolved, everything is still as frail and easily broken as it was before, maybe even more. He has me right where he wants me and the fact I chose to be with him after all this time when he tracked me down here in New York should be enough.

So why does it feel like it isn't?

When classes came to a halt, realization dawned on me that I can't let Levi drive me home as I made it clear I don't want anything to do with him unless I blow off some steam, so I resorted to booking a Lyft which arrived shortly. The sun was already setting by the time it arrived on campus and just as I was halfway into entering the vehicle, something stopped me in my peripheral vision.

I slowed my movements and pretended to retrieve something from my bag, excusing myself to the driver who wasn't particularly in the mood to rush and simply allowed me, so I used that as a way to confirm if my suspicions were correct and as I let my eyes linger a bit more... sure enough, I was right.

From where I stood, I spotted a young man trying to chameleon himself in the crowd of bustling students, wearing a blue cap (how fucking original) and had a knapsack dangling on his shoulder to embody the appearance of a University student just minding their own business, with a camera in hand. At first glance, you wouldn't think much of it considering so many people love taking photos of NYC, most especially here on the NYU campus. It wasn't rare.

But I wasn't stupid, and I most especially wasn't going to ignore the way the lens of his camera was specifically directed at me, and when I opted to look around to see if it was to sway its angle, it did.

With the man instantly averting his camera away from me, and I felt my irritation spike and my blood boil, getting into the Lyft as I watched the man scramble to find his own car, which turned out to be a white Hyundai Civic.

Once we reached the main road I instructed the driver to take a couple of stops here and there, and when asked why I simply told him I had a tail on my back. Looking concerned, he asked if he should inform the police about this, to which I sighed and said no.

It was funny, though, what seemed to be a regular occurrence in my life sparked immense concern from strangers, then again I wouldn't say anything in my life has been comparatively normal in the last four years.

We made a couple of stops around a few drive-thrus and so on, proving my speculations to be correct but not alleviating my anger in the slightest once we returned to the main road, and he'd easily round about a corner and continue following us, hiding behind a car or two, but never going as far as to lose us.

I lean further on the passenger's seat, telling the driver to finally take me to my father's house but with a tinge of resistance and indignation dripping from my voice, which the driver reacts to tentatively, but obliged either way.

I knew he was going to attempt something like this, he was elaborate that way, but that doesn't make the ordeal any less infuriating, doesn't make the ache in my chest any less agonizing to deal with, and most importantly doesn't help facilitate my impending need to blow up and confront my father.

However, as soon as I arrived home and practically had steam blasting out of my ass, Clarice was quick to inform me that my father wasn't home. Which could be looked at in two different ways, and for a second I struggled to see the bright side of the predicament, but then it hit me.

I was quick to rush upstairs to my room, tearing a piece of paper from a notepad lying on my desk as I scribbled down a quick message I intended to leave to my father.

I made a move to take out the luggage situated at the top of my closet that was practically collecting dust bunnies, opened it, and threw my clothes in a messy pile, thinking I'd arrange it once feasible and in the appropriate setting, but as for now, the plan is to be out of here as soon as possible,

I just need some time to think, breathe, and collect my bearings because I can't function in a place where I'm constantly surrounded by people who are slowly pushing me to my limit, who are making it harder for me to see a silver lining or that there's even a semblance of hope for me to cling onto, or that I'll actually get something out of this that I'd deemed worthy or deserving of my efforts, because there's nothing left for me to hold onto aside from my sanity, and even that's close to being non-existent.

Once I've had everything packed, I quickly exit my bedroom, turning around to take one last look at it to see if I left any relevant belongings, knowing that I won't be able to get it back unless it's completely necessary, as I don't know how long I'll be gone.

Quite frankly, I am very aware everything is planned at the last minute, but I know if I don't do this now and even consult him about wanting some time for myself, chances are he won't allow it or he'll orchestrate it under his conditions, meaning I'll only get monitored at best.

So whilst I still have time, I have to be quick about my very abrupt but needed scheme to get the hell out of here, but not before stopping by my father's study to leave the note I had written just for him.

Inspecting it thoroughly with a sense of gratification buzzing inside of me, once I was satisfied with what I just read I folded it neatly and placed it at the center of his desk where he could find it right away:

The next time you hire someone to spy on me, be sure they're just as devoted to their job the same way you are. Have fun rotting at your office, I'll see you when I decide to come back.

This is so long, I'm so sorry. I wanted to divide it into two separate chapters but if I did that, I would deviate from the original structure of the outline and I would have to rearrange the number of chapters, and that would honestly take centuries and just - no. So I hope this wasn't too boring and that you guys enjoyed it nonetheless.