Chapter Twenty-Eight: Evan

Empathy could vary from selflessness to downright foolishness if you're not careful.

I don't know what came over me when I told Maggie to stay at my apartment after I promised to keep her at a distance.

I've let my stupid emotions dictate my decisions again. When she told me what she experienced with her father, I couldn't help it as my concern for her got the better of me. Yes, it could be argued that you can't play Superman because you can't save everyone around you.

But it was either that or I had to witness Maggie go back to staying at a hotel which... I couldn't stomach how she had to go through all that trouble just to stay away from her father.

He was the one who plucked Maggie from the peaceful life she once had, and he can't even return the stability he stole from her? Not only that, but how is he able to live with himself knowing he's conspiring against Maggie with her boyfriend to make sure she lives on his terms?

I get that he's threatened by me and thinks I'm not a good influence, but Jesus Christ, is she some sort of child that needs to be given rules and timeouts?

I know I don't have the right, at least not anymore, to be this concerned about Maggie's well-being. She's my ex, she's a part of my past, and we just so happened to cross paths again.

She's already in a relationship but what's the use of being in one when her partner is more loyal to her father than he is to her? He might as well date the old man while he's at it.

I know it's not my business to care when caring about another person this much makes you too involved, even though she'll be living in my apartment, it's not as if I can let our relationship progress past being just roommates. Yes, even though I don't wish to gain anything out of offering her a place to live, I can't deny that I still feel something whenever she's around.

That soul-crushing sensation of my heart cannibalizing itself when she stares at me as if I'm the only person in this world she can allow herself to fall back on and trust that I'd be there to catch her, and knowing, deep in my fucking heart...

She's right.

That I'll jump at any chance to scrape my knees and soften her landing when she finds herself slipping and I'll be there with open arms, ready to save the day.

But if I continue to cushion Maggie when she falls, who's going to be the one catching me right back up when I need it?

I can't be honest with her and tell her even after all this time, I still have feelings for her. I just offered her to live with me, I can't corner her in a room and suddenly confess my profound feelings unless I want a restraining order.

Even admitting that to myself feels... wrong. It feels incredibly wrong because it feels as though I'm withholding information she has every right to know. As if I'm lying by omission.

However, I'm aware that neither of us is going to benefit from me telling the truth because it's only going to hold us back; hold her back from having any healthy relationship aside from the one she's had with me, and vice versa.

Even if this delusional voice at the back of my head tells me that it's only going to be me that'll treat her right, one way or another I have to give myself a reality check. I could go through hell and back being there for her, but the circumstances we're in right now are not going to allow either of us to revive our relationship.

So I have to control myself. The urge to reach out, hold her, and never let her go, to use myself as some sort of shield to protect her from any danger ahead, not only as a comrade helping his companion on the battlefield but also as a knight fortifying the damsel he's sworn to protect.

Being a friend with the intentions of a lover never ends well for anyone.

* * *

Neutrality is closer to hate than it is to love.

Pretending to hate her while we weren't on speaking terms proved to be futile, if anything, it only showed how much her absence created a void in my life and how her returning deepened the dent.

I know there's always going to be a part of me that cares, I wouldn't have offered her a place to live if I didn't care, I wouldn't have told her how much she hurt me when she left if I didn't care, I wouldn't have shown her time and time again that she had someone to talk to when she felt isolated from Levi if I didn't care. Caring for her comes naturally to me.

But being overfilled by love hasn't given me much room to place it anywhere else when it starts leaking, and her cupped hands don't suffice in containing it.

I can't keep running myself dry like this.

So I do what I have to do, I treat this situation as a friend just lending out a helping hand, because friends can care about their friends, right?

You're not absolved from worrying when it comes to your friends.

It's safe to say that I'm not alone in my discomfort trying to adapt to these turn of events. Even though she agreed, it's obvious Maggie was having a hard time seeing this situation objectively.

She knew there weren't any ill intentions attached to my offer, she knows I'll never carry any bad intentions when it comes to her.

The problem, however, is that just because we were close then doesn't mean we can act comfortably around each other now. We have to establish some boundaries and go back to square one. Build our... friendship, I guess you could say, from the ground up.

She was the first one to propose this, not that it's anything surprising. Maggie has never been the type to avoid something when it doesn't sit right with her. She avoids situations when she doesn't want to overwhelm herself, but she's also not afraid to risk making other people feel uncomfortable to make things right.

It's one of the many things I admire about her. She's not ashamed to put herself first, something I've tried to emulate, however, I still find myself a bit rusty.

Calling her out about her financial choices compelled her to discuss the price of her staying in my apartment, which caught me off guard, as my first instinct was to deny her of any liability, only wanting to provide comfort.

But she refused, saying how it'd lift the burden off her shoulders about feeling like an intruder "Please, we both know it hasn't been the same." she argued.

It was one thing to be aware of us drifting apart, being reminded of it was another, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't hit a nerve, but I brushed it off.

Saying, in a defeated tone "Okay, but you don't have to pressure yourself to pay on time. My parents are more than okay to cover my rent while I'm still not able to support myself."

She looked at me, deadpanned "Evan, we're both in college. We need to stop asking our parents for shit."

I sighed, knowing conversations about my independence were always a touchy subject because she fought hard for our freedom, so I'm not surprised she's reprimanding me about this

"I know, I'm just adjusting to living here in New York, that's all. I'm looking for jobs that are accepting college students if it's any consolation." I explained.

She smiled at me, prideful, and somehow seeing that look on her face made me want to work harder just so her admiration never falters.

"Good," she said, not being able to hide her grin "Since you've brought it up, I might start looking for jobs as well. We're adults now."

"We are," I remarked, biting my lower lip in amusement. "We got to pay our bills now,"

"Be responsible about our expenses," she added "Pay our taxes."

"The fucking IRS, man," that earned a wholehearted laugh from her.

"Adulthood is scary," she said "Most of the time I don't know even if I'll be able to handle it,"

"Me neither," I replied, "We're both just struggling college students navigating through life."

But at least I'm not alone, I wanted to add, but I figured that it hasn't been 24 hours since she started staying here and I'm already giving her reasons to get the hell out.

"But speaking of living conditions..." the playfulness in her tone vanished "Before we go any further with this arrangement-"

"Not the first time our relationship has been described as such."

Amusement was evident in her gaze before she continued "I want to get some things out of the way and make sure I'm not overstepping your privacy."

I tilted my head "What do you have in mind?"

She cleared her throat "Well, even though you told me to make myself feel at home, I don't think it'd be smart to act like your space is my own. In the end, this is your apartment and I don't want you to be the one adjusting to me instead of me adjusting to you."

"Maggie, you know I don't mind-"

"You say that because you don't want to offend other people but at the expense of what? Feeling like you're being stepped on?" I sealed my lips shut "It doesn't matter where we stand, we need boundaries."

I can't say I disagree with her on that one, but still, it's hard to follow along, but if this is what she wants, who am I to refuse? After all, what makes her comfortable is all that matters.

"Okay then," I said, complacent "Where do you want to begin?"

Her earlier conviction disappeared as she rocked back and forth on her heels. "Okay, this may sound a little... inappropriate."

She looked as though she wanted to throw herself out the window as my curiosity spiked "Go on." I said,

"I guess," she scratched the back of her neck "With bringing people over, maybe? I don't want to come home one day and bump into someone you're seeing, and give them the wrong idea."

My mind short-circuited at the choice of topic. I mean, not that it's unethical, it's only logical to assume our sexual agendas will have to be brought up sooner or later considering we're both adults who go out to meet people and bring them home.

We have desires that need to be sated. The reason why I moved out of my parents' house was that I needed a space to bring people over, but somehow her bringing it up seemed almost... unnecessary.

Now that she's here, the thought of me inviting anyone back to my place seems inappropriate. Not because I don't want to make her feel awkward, that's only one of the many things, but because... I genuinely don't want to.

When it took a while for me to answer she was quick to pick up on my silence "I mean, if you are seeing someone, that is." She clarified "You don't have to tell me but since this is your home and I don't want them to assume the worst. So... are you?"

My heart was thrumming violently inside my chest. It was so innocent, when perceived normally it could be seen as a person being considerate. Someone with a normal functioning ego wouldn't think too much of it, would just brush it off and move on.

But sadly, I am not normal. I overthink, that's my Achilles heel and right now, I can't help it as I read between the lines, thinking less about the request and more so about what the request implied.

Did it mean anything? Maybe she didn't want to be a burden, that was the simpler interpretation of it, the less problematic one, but I couldn't help it as my mind wandered to uncharted territories.

It was whirling with assumptions, and I'm pretty sure I was about to go insane just thinking about them. Maggie, on the other hand, however, kept an air of nonchalance.

I took that as my cue not to think too much about it. Of course, she'd ask about my whereabouts, she's the one staying here. We're friendly but we're not comfortable.

I suppressed my urges to know more, to crawl inside her head and figure out what she was thinking. What she's really thinking. It's better to know than to be left in the shadows.

"Don't worry about it," I reassured, making her blink in confusion. "It's not something I prioritize, my dating life, that is. I don't intend to bring anyone over during the most stressful years of my life."

She looked like she was contemplating whether to believe me or not, considering she's good at calling me out on my bluff.

"Seriously, don't think too much about it, if I had a problem, I won't be afraid to tell you about it, It's just as much for your sake as it is mine." I tried to console her, and for a half fleeting moment, her inhibitions faltered and she let out a sigh.

"If you say so," she said and I smiled, thinking now that she's decided to brush it off, I should too, right?

But no, the thought plagues my mind like a tailspin. I didn't want to entertain the idea but I still felt the need to overanalyze it despite my assumptions possibly being far from the truth.

Be it my irrationality that craves meaning in something that's not there, I can't deny a part of me wants reality to be closer to my intuition than is it to the actual truth.

But that's the part that troubles me the most... it's if what I'm feeling is encouraged by a hunch, or my need to project in order to not to feel alone.

Don't let me be alone in this.