Chapter Twenty: Maggie

It's comical, how we went from not wanting to be confined in a room simply because the other person is there, to having other people walk out of the room because of us.

I didn't want it to come to this, I honestly didn't. As much as I'm not afraid to be confrontational, there's a lingering trace of shame when there's an audience to witness my meltdowns. I give a shit, contrary to popular belief.

The remorse didn't fail to creep up my spine knowing that because of my compulsive behavior, I've caused great tension amongst me and my peers whose bonds I probably won't be able to mend after this project is over.

It's hard not to notice when the moment goes from tranquil to downright awkward whenever I try to act like Audrey reprimanding us last Thursday didn't happen, and that we somewhat confirmed that something is happening behind the scenes and that so-called thing implied history.

So it's only rational that one tries to avoid getting caught up in the web of two venomous lovers who still can't help but let their bitterness show. We tried to practice common courtesy, but it's not like it was being done mutually, as we still refused to interact. That's why we weren't able to discuss what we were supposed to do to make up for the group.

It wasn't until Monday rolled around and we resumed working on the project, doing it in one of the vacant classrooms and eventually wrapping things up, except for me, Evan, and Clarence, as we were still trimming some minor details on the presentation.

"I think we're done for the day, we only have a little bit of work to do and we can finish it by tomorrow so you can get some rest," Clarence said, shutting off his laptop as I turned to face him.

"I mean, we still have time, we can try to finish it today if that's okay with you?" I suggested as he thought about it, opening his mouth before his eyes drifted to Evan's direction, his throat bobbing as he quickly shook his head.

"It's fine, we can do it tomorrow," he insisted, retrieving his belongings in a rather frenzied manner as I stared up at him, puzzled.

"But Clarence-"

"Seriously, it's fine. You need your rest, I need mine. We'll catch up, okay?" Desperation was evident in his excuses as I ended up shutting my mouth, knowing that this was a lost cause.

"Okay," I replied meekly as he shuffled out of the room, letting the door swing back and forth on his way out whilst I blinked at the odd scene that just took place.

"... What goes around comes around, I guess."

Realizing that I wasn't the only one left occupying the class, I turned my head to look at Evan as he mindlessly scrolled through his phone from where he sat at the corner of the room, a look of nonchalance on his face as I clenched my jaw at his remark.

"Are you implying that this is karma?"

He stayed quiet, his gaze not averting from his screen "Depends on whether or not you feel guilty that we've ruined our friendship with the group."

"I do feel guilty. It's hard to tell whether you feel the same way, though. Considering you partook in the predicament we find ourselves in."

"I never denied not feeling guilty about it, but it's better to let things take their course instead of rushing into things and trying to initiate reconciliation when we both know they're still uncomfortable being around us." he implored as I kept my eyes on him.

"That's not going to happen if we don't work on reconciling ourselves, now will it?"

The sharp intake of breath he took didn't fail to catch my attention, as he averted his gaze from his phone, but still not looking at me as he just aimed it at the wall.

"It's not like it's going to lead anywhere."

"So are we just gonna be nihilistic about this? Despite how we find the very presence of one another so infuriating that we showcase our frustrations out in plain sight, regardless of how inappropriate we look? Doesn't seem very nihilistic to me."

"I thought it was my lack of empathy that bothered you the most when working with me on this project?" he countered as I scoffed at his rebuttal.

"It's one thing to try and convince yourself that you don't care instead of just acting like it," that compelled him to finally look at me, his eyes narrowed.

"Emotions don't have to be pleasant for them to be detected. You can throw your little digs at me and make it seem like your bitterness signifies you not giving a fuck, but we all know you start a fight just to feel something, Evan." I continued.

That instantly enabled his defensiveness, with his shoulders hunching back and his chest puffing out as he let out a dry heap of laughter.

"At least I try to pretend that it doesn't bother me, but it seems as though you can't help proving that after all this time, you still care to memorize my little quirks, huh?" he taunted as I scowled at his blatant insensitivity.

"Unlike most people, I don't see the point in showing someone that I deemed to care about how easy it is for me to disregard the connection I've built with them, along with all the secrets they told me, their deepest darkest insecurities and fears. I'm not going to be inconsiderate with their feelings because God knows how difficult it was for them to even tell me, in the first place."

"You know what, you're right. It is inconsiderate to be dismissive of someone's struggles like that especially after they told you about them yet you weaponized their insecurities by doing the same thing you promised that you would never do. Setting their hopes up but of course, God forbid the other person believed you because they loved you too."

"You're acting as if everything that happened following said promises were within my control."

"But what was within your control was to find a way to call me, tell me you were fine even if you left me in the cold to wait, to stand alone in that park feeling hopeless every time I caught a person in my peripheral view thinking it was you." he snapped as I sat back in astonishment, watching all his pent-up anger implode right then and there.

"To at least have texted, called to tell me you were fine and not just come waltzing back into my life, savoring every fucking plan we've ever made together but with the person that you told me you left in the past yet here he is now. In the present, with you, instead of me." he snapped, his eyes ablaze and his voice sounding wounded.

Whilst I so desperately wanted to reach out to him and tell him that he doesn't have to do this to show me that I've hurt him because I do know. With every fiber of my being, with every unconscious and conscious drive that's working inside my system to absorb all his agony. I am aware, more than he'll ever know.

Because even though I've lost a huge part of myself when I left him in LA three years ago, I still preserve the littlest bit of him that I had left. A fraction of who he is that I keep with me like a locket - all his hopes, dreams, and fears that he shared with me, all of it encapsulated but still cherished, and when you carry a part of someone with you, it's always going to be hard to dismiss their pain because there came a point where their pain was yours.

Where every emotion was felt vicariously because you didn't want them to suffer in silence, and as much as he refuses to believe it, that still hasn't changed now.

He may have felt alone in his suffering when I wasn't there, but that doesn't mean his absence didn't destroy me as well. I felt it in waves, in tides, in eruptions, and in echoes, the kind that anytime someone ever called my name, my reminiscence of him overpowered me too much that the sound of his voice was still the only thing that I could hear.

That's what happens when almost everything in your life turns to shambles, and when there's no semblance of hope to cling onto, you dig deep inside you to search for memories of events, or people, that once offered the stability that you currently lack.

You start to make a world with them again, and in that world, my senses were fueled by people and of the things that gave me purpose, who made me feel like a human being that had something to offer.

In that world, I had a mother that cared, I had friends that were always available, I had a sense of independence that wasn't threatened, and I had a partner whose devotion eclipsed my insecurities of undesirability.

For the longest time, escapism was the only resort, I was trapped but at the same time, during those cold, dead-silent nights, I had the option to run away where no one could find me.

The one thing I was always good at.

But now as I stare at him, the only thing present is the desire to be seen again, because I was finally around someone who compelled me to turn away from the world of escapism that I've frequently indulged in... for the first time, I was ready to confront reality.

Because this reality may be scary, but I'd rather be scared and in motion than to be safe but inert.

Deafening silence ensued as neither one of us spoke another word, the indignation on his face evident and my need to reach out and console him becoming stronger than ever.

But it's not like he's going to comprehend what I'm going to say if I decide to pour my heart out, he's just as overwhelmed as I am and the fire sizzling around us still burns bright and trying to dump a bucket of water won't necessarily make the inferno go away.

Despite how irrational it is, if I want to get closure from him I need to give him some time, to not invalidate what he feels, because he may thrash and fight back, but in the end, he only does it because he's wounded, and I'm not going to act ignorant of what he feels just because I recognize my pain as well.

I may not be able to appease him and his reality of my deception right now, but that doesn't mean that it isn't possible.

So I don't defend myself, I don't tell him that I was just as hurt as well, I don't do any of that... but I have to find a way to ease his doubts, without completely beating myself down.

"I understand that you're hurt," I began as he continued to stare at me in contempt "and I'm not going to stand here and deny the reality of what you felt just because that's how I felt as well. Neither one of us is going to understand the other by focusing only on ourselves, so all I'm going to say is that... I'm going to try."

Cracks immediately appeared on the surface as his defenses laid low upon hearing my words "I'm going to try and understand you, and at the same time make you understand me as well. It's going to be hard because I don't know how I'll do it, but I'll try."

I stepped closer towards him and at that moment, I felt like I've finally breached the barrier that was separating us for so long. That I'm seeing him just as much as he's seeing me in a better, more clearer light.

"Time may have passed, but I still know you well enough to know that you will."

Dumbfounded, his lips parted slightly, maybe with the intent to say something, anything, but nothing comes out. The kind of silence that spoke a thousand words, surrounded by the shadows of our past, but with the light of having finally acknowledged each other shining through.

"... Maggie?"

Too dazed, I thought it was Evan at first, but when I realized that despite the signs of wanting to speak being clear on his face, it wasn't him who just called out to me.

It wasn't until a semblance of shock washed over Evan's face was when it also dawned on me that we weren't the only ones in the room anymore, as I turned my head in the direction of the door and saw Levi, standing there.

His lips parted, but also being unable to say anything, and just like that-

The light that was shone on us was eclipsed, and we regressed to the shadows.

Hello, amazing people. I finally posted, what a shocker, I know. It's been a while since I've last updated - whether it be a month or two or three, but what matters now is that we're here! I hope you guys enjoyed the chapters as much as I enjoyed writing them.

It's been hectic recently, with school getting in the way it's been very difficult to focus on this story but I always kept it in mind to get some writing done, mainly because you guys have been so patient and supportive throughout all of it.

Also, I got fully vaccinated! I hope you guys have too and if you have (or haven't, but if not, please do. I want you guys safe and healthy) please be sure to stay at home, quarantine, and social distance! I wouldn't want you guys to be at risk and always put your health first, okay? Mental and physical health is important.

Take it from me, it may have been a while but I've learned to take it one step at a time, and in the end, the results are better if we aren't so hard on ourselves. Keep taking baby steps with whatever task you have going on because it's really stressful these days, and it's okay to take a moment to breathe and realize you're human, and that should be enough.

Anyways, I love you guys and I hope these chapters made your week in a way!