Chapter Twelve: Evan

Waking up the following morning was exactly how I predicted it was going to be.

Cracking my eyelids open as I adjusted to the blinding atmosphere of the room, my clothes still reeked of the perspiration I didn't have enough energy to wash the night prior as I caught an immediate waft of it through my nostrils, my irritation only spiking while I regarded the time I have left before I head to class. 7:15 AM.

It was a sharp juxtaposition from how I had greeted the morning yesterday, as I could only look at the dash of sunlight that peeked through my windows with squinted eyes and an involuntary sneer. The urge to stand up, close the curtains, and flip back the covers grows more tempting by the seconds.

But I willed myself to emerge from my disheveled bed as I simply left it in disarray, thinking I'd fix it once I get home before snatching my towel that was hanging from the back of my desk chair and groggily dragging myself out of the bedroom.

I stepped into the living room area and automatically, recollections of what happened last night came flashing back to my memory in visions, making me gulp as I gingerly eyed my phone that sat abandoned on the middle of the couch from when I finished my conversation with Jasper and tossed it in a fit of frustration before I decided to shut myself off from the forthcoming responsibilities Jasper had bestowed upon me following through with his advice.

"You're not gonna do anything stupid, we'll start with that."

"Jasper, I'm not-"

"I mean it," he pressed on, a clear and icy conviction to his tone that refused any sort of protest on my behalf "I know what you're going to say, you can say you have self-restraint, that it's not going to happen and she's nothing but history."

"It's because she is!"

"But the question is," he argued, "Will you let that stop you?"

I fell silent to his accusation, the bubbling indignation in my system waiting to erupt, but before I could let it, he intervenes "You wouldn't call me if you trusted yourself enough to handle this all on your own," he rebutted "You could've simply moved on and gone on with your life there in New York, but you know you need someone to reassure you that you've moved on instead of just feeling like it yourself."

I gulped, gripping the phone tighter in my hand "Jasper-"

"Where was she when you saw her?"

I paused for a moment "In my Entrepreneurial Studies class, aside from that, we don't share the same schedules."

"Did you talk to her? Did she see you?"

"I don't think so, I made sure I kept my head down the rest of the day," I assured him "Jasper, this is fucked. What am I supposed to do-"

"You're not going to do anything is what you're going to do," he told me, firm and straight to the point.

My eyebrows knitted at that "What?"

"You heard me. You're not gonna do anything that will indicate that it bothers you, because the more you acknowledge her and her presence, the more it's going to plague your thoughts and you won't be able to enjoy your time there as you intended."

"But it's hard," I claimed, a tinge of vulnerability failing to suppress itself as it resurfaced in my voice as I said that "It's hard because I can't just ignore it and act like her being here means nothing when we both know it does."

A visible dry swallow can be heard from the other line as he spoke "I know it is," Jasper said "But there's a thin line between acknowledgment and recognition. You can recognize how it affects you without feeling the need to acknowledge it."

I sit down on my couch, running a shaky hand down my face as I let out a sigh "The only problem is maintaining self-control."

"Which is dependent on you. You can't prevent the circumstances at which you're going to meet her again or if you'll ever be able to cross paths that are going to force the two of you to interact, that's something you can't stop, but you can control whether it's going nudge you into action." he advised, "You can't help that she's there in your class and that you two live in the same city, that's way out of your control, but what you do have a hold on is whether you're going to extend your conversations further that it encourages attachment again."

"That's what I fear, Evan." he continued "That you're going to grow attached."

I clenched my jaw at the memory, shaking my head as I padded my way to the kitchen to grab a bowl of cereal, but my mind inescapably drifted back to the issue instead of setting it aside, knowing that as much as I crave avoidance, the lengths at which I sought after it last night prolonged enough that ignoring it now feels like blatant cowardice.

As much as I wanted to dismiss it, the truth in Jasper's advice rang a certain volume of truth that seemed almost deafening that I had no other choice but to grow defensive because I wanted to convince myself I could do it, not acknowledge the fact that she was here and that I had to confront that reality, and it was just a matter of handling it is where the problem truly lies.

But concealing my emotions was never really my forte, and Jasper knew that as he could sense the lid to which I used to bottle up past resentment was already beginning to loosen, and being reminded of that makes me want to break the bottle altogether.

Knowing with her, my behavior was always going to be predictable, but still, I wanted to give myself the benefit of the doubt that she didn't have that much control over me.

I eventually forced myself to finish my breakfast before deciding to take a shower, the calming sensation of the trickling water running down my skin alleviating my nerves as I aggressively washed away any remnants of yesterday's dirt and grimes from my body.

Maybe it's because I hadn't preplanned the second day of Uni is why I seem to be much more lethargic and unmotivated as opposed to the first day, but I'd be lying if I said that was entirely the case, which is infuriating, given how something so promising could just as easily fall apart and disintegrate before you could have the chance to preserve it.

Enjoy it, indulge in it,  have a taste of fucking freedom from all the cards you were dealt with before you were pulled back from a dark place in your life.

A dark place I know I have the option to walk away from if I wanted to, but for some reason, I keep finding myself coming back.

Coming back because some gullible, pathetic part of me still hopes.

It still hopes that if I just try a little bit more, I'd guide her back to where she truly belongs.

*  *  *

Still, I'm not gonna deny that Jasper's words struck an echo of accuracy that penetrated the realms of my reality that I kept thinking about them even as I attended my classes.

There's no denying that my emotions are more capable of outweighing my rationality, therefore I wouldn't put it past Jasper's instinct to worry about me because the chances of me getting attached are more plausible than it is for me to comply with what's good for me.

You can't blame the moth for gravitating towards the flame especially when the sizzling bonfire looks the way that it does, now can you?

But as Jasper said, there's a thin line between recognition and acknowledgment, and I just have to practice restraint if I wanna avoid acting out on the latter, considering tethering on the edge was never supposed to be an option.

With that, as I navigated through the second day of University, I made the cautious decision of trying my best not to get caught up in Maggie's web and to let her presence bother me.

Which is better said than done, if I were to be completely honest.

Because as much as I tried to distract my wandering mind from acknowledging her by talking to the students that sat close to me, the mission sequentially failed as soon as she walked into the room, and all I was suddenly capable of was zeroing in on her as I dissected her from head to toe.

I was able to get a better look at her as she stands by the entrance, now dressed more casually as she's clad in a beige, flowy sundress that not only complimented her skin but was also cinched tightly around her waist, emphasizing her body in a way that instantly made my mouth go dry.

Her hair was pinned at the back in a ponytail, her bangs bouncing in small wavy curls that made the corners of my lips twitch seeing how... beautifully, it framed her face. Highlighting that natural doe-eyed look she has whilst her gaze roamed around the room before she took her seat at the front of the class.

I tried to focus all of my attention on my peers as they continued talking to me about themselves and their interests considering I was the one to initiate conversation in the first place, but it became a little bit harder by the second to continue doing so when my eyes just kept sweeping back to Maggie and where she sat, my fingers occasionally fidgeting as I mindlessly nodded at whatever the hell my seatmates kept raving about that I had long since ignored.

I tried to keep it up, thinking if I pretended hard enough to care about the people around me instead of just fixating on one person specifically, I might end up dropping the charades.

But consequently, I got quickly tired of trying to bullshit not only the people around me but also myself as I let my impulsivity get the best of me by completely derailing from whatever the hell they were talking about as I butted in with a few questions of my own:

"Hey, can I ask you guys something?" that single-handedly caught their attention as I motioned my chin to where Maggie was sat, trying to appear indifferent "What's with the girl Mr. Nelson made a big fuss about yesterday? Her?"

One of the girls who sat two rows away from me and was also partaking in the conversation just dismissively waved her off, which for some reason, heightened my annoyance seeing the way she disregarded Maggie "Eh, just the daughter of some big shot founder of a few resorts here in New York and Los Angeles. Kids born from wealth, you get the gist."

"She's kinda hot though, let's be honest." one of them intervened as my teeth involuntarily clenched "Not surprised Evan here is eyeing her up."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," the girl I had initially talked to chimed in "She's already taken, sad to disappoint."

"Yeah, another kid that came from big money. I heard they applied here in NYU because they were both high-school sweethearts and that their parents hooked them up with one another," they explained as I tried my best to appear more self-composed, even though that statement alone sent a sickening churn to boil at the depths of my stomach.

Don't let it bother you. To them, she's a stranger to you. So fucking act like it.

"They do seem steady, so I'd be careful if I were you with that little curiosity of yours, Evan." one of them warned "You can't sway a girl who's been in love with the same guy since high school."

I was expecting that to rile me up considering nothing they've said throughout the conversation had made me feel anything but, but for some reason, I found my lips forming into a sardonic grin, folding my arms against my chest as I leaned further against my seat.

"I can't imagine anyone who would be able to, " one of them joked.

You're looking at him now.

"Yeah," I said, licking my lips as I eyed Maggie one last time. "Pretty steady couple."

*  *  *

Despite my extremely unnecessary and unruly spite against Maggie and her relationship with that fucking dipshit they claimed she was madly in love with, I've managed to act civil throughout the rest of the day.

It can be anxiety-inducing for a number of reasons but nonetheless, I've worked my way around the ordeal until eventually, my classes came to an end and I tried to leave campus as fast as possible, being cautious of my surroundings in case I'd miss her trying to round a corner.

One might say I'm being too excessive by doing this, and that there's no need to act like her presence is some sort of powerful entity I need to avoid at all cost considering that entirely defeats the purpose of acting indifferent.

It won't be a problem unless you treat it as a problem.

However, it's best to play safe than to be sorry, so as long I don't trust myself while she's around it'd be better if I act extra wary until I allow myself to treat her like she's part of the crowd and not someone from the crowd I'm trying my best to stay away from.

When's that day going to be? Honestly, I'm not sure but I'm hoping to God it'd be soon because it is a pain in the ass having to feel like this, as if I'm constantly walking on eggshells and that I need to practice self-discipline like I'm some sort of fucking child that's one ice-cream cone away from being lured into a van and to their inevitable demise.

Because a person shouldn't have this much power over another human being, it's simply just absurd, and yet here I am ducking my head trying my absolute goddamn best not to draw attention to myself in case I'd blow my fucking cover.

My fucking cover. Like I'm sort of a spy.

I hate how my life has turned into this. I hate how I am the way that I am.

Setting aside the need for self-deprecation, I continued walking through the heap of students sauntering past me, the campus exit drawing closer as I let out a relieved breath, thinking I've accomplished fulfilling my promise to Jasper.

On the first day. Don't get too optimistic, just yet.

I ignored the cynical voice inside my head, not wanting to jinx it.

It was near. So damn near. One more step and I could've just as easily left the campus without as much of a problem. I could've had my way out. Prove Jasper wrong that I did have self-restraint. But as soon as I saw her, it was hard to compromise with the intention.

Whilst at the corner of my eye, a slither of golden skin caught my attention and I instinctively turned my head to look at Maggie. How the wind blew past her hair as she freed it from the confines of her ponytail, framing her face neatly as she tucked the curled strands from behind her ears, the sun casting an almost incandescent glow on her complexion.

Her shimmering brown eyes looked somewhat hazel underneath the light as she sat with a group of four people. One of them being Levi.

I repressed the gnawing bitterness clawing at the surface, desperate to be heard and to be known, as it thrashes and riots inside me as I watch him lean forward and give her an unwarranted kiss that just seems so fucking... pathetic.

You're one to talk about being pathetic. Looking at a girl who's long since forgotten about you while she snuggles up with her boyfriend and her new friends. Get a fucking grip.

I tried to let the inner pessimism fuel me into retreating and walking away, I really did. Because God knows a good dose of reality check slapping me across the face is just what I need, but again, some things are harder to be done than they are said.

Because I couldn't, as my eyes linger on her just a little bit more, trying to find a discernable sign that she may or may not have really... moved on. That is the type of environment she's always craved but was just too broken by her father's abandonment to try and have it.

But her father is here, he has her, and although a deeper part of me knows he's toxic, the notion of resolution is always possible, and maybe that's why she's here with Levi instead of well... me.

Maybe this is where she was always meant to be, and I'm just too resentful to admit that, and so I force myself to take one step forward and to just leave this be.

The life that she has now because disrupting whatever this... is, the semblance of stability she clearly has a hold on now and I'm just here dismissing it for the sole reason that I'm not the reason behind it.

So with a rough swallow, I avert my gaze from the scene thinking it'd be best if I look away now before I do anything stupid that'll ultimately lead me to my downfall-

"Evan!"

Eyes wide, every part of my body stiffens up as I look up to catch Alyssa by the campus entrance waving her arms around as she sprints towards me "Evan!" she yells even louder as bubbling panic churns at the pits of my stomach.

As I turned my head to see if Alyssa's unsolicited calls somehow caught the attention of others, specifically Maggie, thinking if she hadn't, I could just walk away now and stop Alyssa-

But time froze along with every limb of my body, as I watch Maggie's brows slightly furrow while she lets her eyes roam around her surroundings before she catches mine the second I tried to search for hers, and I saw that wave of awareness wash over her face that indicated she knew it was me, and how it was merely nothing but a brief moment of recognition and yet...

The flash of emotions that came along with it looked so profound and distinguishable that at this very moment, where the distance between was so far apart and that there were no words even uttered, the barrier between us instantaneously collapsed as she looked at me as if she found the one thing she was searching for her whole life.

... There's a thin line between recognition and acknowledgment, or so Jasper had said, but that look alone shown what no words nor even actions could've possibly conveyed as the barrier ultimately crumbled and disintegrated beneath our feet.