Chapter Thirty-Six: Maggie

You made your bed, now you have to lie in it.

Those were the words that ran through my head as I watched Evan pace back and forth around the apartment, getting ready for his date with Alyssa.

When he told me about his plans, I felt like I was digging my own grave, I couldn't escape the inevitability of knowing about it. As soon as Evan walked into the apartment, there was that silent communication.

I knew I would've been better off not knowing. That was the only way I could've preserved my pride but of course, some sadistic part of me wanted to know.

I wanted to know not because I was curious, but because I wanted to look like I was supportive of his decision, not begrudging of it. The same way a teenage girl encourages her crush to pursue another person just to deny herself what is true;

That she's so extremely, irrevocably in love with him, and because of that, he deserves someone else.

So me being the idiot that I am, I asked him "So? What did she say?"

Fast forward to now, my eyes flicker back and forth between the laptop situated on my lap to his slightly agape bedroom door, pretending to be just as preoccupied knowing what lies ahead once he exits the apartment.

Maybe if I had known what my staying here at his place entailed, I never would've agreed. Even if I came across as brazen in my refusal, I would've stayed the fuck away, because yes, living here, I was treated kindly.

For the first time, I'm in a healthy environment. I no longer woke up to the sound of my father shouting at one of his employees before I went to class, and I no longer had to sit through dinner enduring my father's ridiculing, as Levi sat across from me, staying silent with no intention of defending my honor.

Instead, I woke up to the smell of brewed coffee in the morning, Evan waiting for my alarm to go off before he made breakfast so as not to wake me up, then coming back home with him waiting for me and asking me how my day was, as opposed to a silent house.

For once, someone asked me how I was doing, how I was feeling, and if I was tired, greeted me with good morning and good night. I've been cared for here, and I was finally around the presence of a person whose company didn't suffocate me.

I was free to come and leave as I pleased, that was made clear the second I moved in and I'll forever thank Evan for helping me in my darkest of hours, and lowest of points.

However, the universe had to be fair, it offered me a glimpse of a life I knew would be forever out of reach. An ideal.

Against my better judgment, my eyes drifted upward to the sound of Evan leaving his room, clad in a pair of dark slacks and a red button-down. His hair is nicely combed, and from where I sat, the smell of his cologne permeated my nostrils.

It's unlike the older scents he's worn, he prefers the smell of Le Labo's Santal 33; said he likes it due to the notes of iris and cedarwood. It's his favorite and even wore it on our first date.

But this one's different. Probably bought it recently to give a good first impression, and make it seem like he made the effort. It's considerate, it's ideal.

He's clean-shaven, and when he turns to look at me, he smiles with his teeth showing, and I can't help it as my heart skips a beat.

"You look nice," I told him, gripping the side of my laptop as I stared up at him with a tight smile "Gonna leave soon?"

He nods, looking down at his watch "In a few minutes, she texted me saying she's still getting ready and I don't want to rush her."

"That's good. A girl's first date is important, everything is decided to the very last detail, no doubt she's excited to go out with you." God knows I was "Where are you taking her?"

He takes a moment to answer "Thought I'd take her to Central Park Carousel. She's an exciting woman so I thought I'd take her on an exciting first date."

It took a second or two before it sunk in, and when it did, my chest suddenly tightened and my throat clogged at his words; everything felt so claustrophobic all because he told me he was going to take her to an amusement park.

To an amusement park... like how we went to one during our first date.

The corner of my eyes prickled but I reprimanded myself "Don't you fucking dare," my subconscious yelled, and before I could deceive myself, Evan's phone rang.

"Oh sorry," he said, "Jasper's calling me."

He walked out of the living room and into his bedroom, and once he was out of sight, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and let it out after a good minute.

It was shaky and unstable, a distinct parallel to the chaos unfurling inside me as I placed a tentative hand on my chest, rubbing it slowly thinking it'll soothe the dull ache.

But it doesn't. Even as he spent an extra 20 minutes in his room talking to Jasper, the feeling refused to subside, cutting deeper and deeper until my ears began to pulsate. The tingling sensation which burned my eyes became harder to ignore as I tipped my head back, rubbing them slowly while I forced down the lump threatening to rise in my throat.

It was a hurricane of emotions bumping into every corner of my body, and as I sat there letting it wreak havoc upon me, I couldn't help but think...

I'd rather be numb than ever fucking feel like this.

I hear the sound of his bedroom door open "So Alyssa just texted me-"

He stops to take me in. "Hey, are you okay?"

I lift my head, praying to God my eyes don't look swollen as I put on a tired smile "Yup," I said as casually as possible "I'm just exhausted, that's all. I might get ready for bed in a few hours."

He looked at me, doubtful, and I silently begged him to turn a blind eye to my pain the same way every other person in my life has "Are you sure?"

I nod my head "Y-yeah. Definitely."

"Maybe I can stay until you're-"

His phone rings again, and his eyes dart between it and me. As if he's having a hard time choosing which one goes first "It's Alyssa," he mutters.

I smiled "Why aren't you answering it then?"

His eyes stayed on me even as he answered the call "Hello?" he was silent before letting out a hum "Great. I'll see you."

He hung up, and our gazes stayed glued to one another, and there's that silent communication again where we both know the other person isn't feeling well, and that something is clearly wrong.

Deep down, a part of me wishes he'd persist on the issue, to go with his gut and ask me one more time if I'm fine, and only then will I finally allow myself to crumble.

I'll tell him of all the hurt I bore, that he should stay here, and be with me.

That he should choose me one more time. Like he always does.

"... You better hurry on your date." I told him "She's waiting."

It was as if my words went from one ear to the other, as he stood still on his spot, unyielding "Are you sure you're okay?" he asked.

Please, just be like the rest of them.

"I am," I insisted 'Have a good time, okay?"

His face was blank as he slowly turned around to head out the door, but stopped halfway as he put his jacket on. He turned to me again, one foot out the door, the other still on the apartment.

It took everything in me to act as if him walking out that door isn't the final step to my heart shattering to pieces "Bye Evan,"

He smiled, although it didn't reach his eyes "Bye Maggie."

Once the door closed, everything fell apart, as if he held up the remaining part of the house which prevented everything from toppling down on me, and here I am now, crushed by the debris and rubble of it all.

It was only then that I knew, I can't stay here much longer.

Doing so will be the death of me.

Whether it's a decision made in the heat of the moment, I don't really care, all I know is that I've never thought more clearly than I have now. I can't keep breaking my own heart like this, because I know I'm eventually going to blame it on Evan.

I was fast on my feet, taking my luggage out from inside the empty storage room located next to the bathroom, I zipped it open and began packing my belongings. From the clothes I had hanging inside his closet to the essentials I hid in the cabinet of his bathroom, I rounded the entire house until I made sure no trace of me was left at this home.

I contemplated if now was the right time to return to my father's house, because what choice do I have? One way or another, I need to come back.

With a heavy breath, I closed the luggage and lifted it off the couch, and upon doing so, an item fell out of one of the pockets, and I stopped immediately in my tracks once I realized what it was.

The sight of the red wristlet made my heart drop, and as I picked it up, I couldn't ignore the sudden tension which burned my insides, as I slipped back into memory lane all over again.

I collapsed right on the floor, blinking back the moisture in my eyes as everything resurfaced - the way the stars looked that night, how everything felt so endless when we talked about our hopes and dreams, and just feeling like nothing, or no one, could conspire against us.

... Now he's out there, at some other flimsy amusement park, with some other girl who he can share those same wishes with, hoping maybe she can fill the void that I left.

* * *

I don't know how I got here.

Be it a rush of adrenaline, I don't know, my feet just took me to places I assumed could fix me, and so I found myself wandering the nearby convenience store, roaming through the alcohol aisle, picking out a variety of liquor I could lay my hands on.

One thing led to another, I'm stumbling through Evan's apartment, having just walked the entire block as I drank the cans of beer I bought on my way back.

Next, I popped open the bottles of wine, not bothering to look if Evan owned wine glasses as I drank it straight from the bottle, letting it glide in huge gulps down my throat.

Hiccuping, my eyes drifted to the red infinity bracelet clasped around my wrist, letting my head rest on my palm as I leaned against the couch, chuckling at how...

Fucking miserable all of this feels.

Grinning, I took one more swig of the red wine, almost gagging at the amount I swallowed, but I didn't care. whatever works to make this damage less unbearable...

I'll take it.

"A-all of it, it's reused. You tell her what you told me because you miss what we had, y-you take her to the places you took me because you don't know where else to go, you're lost because I'm fucking lost." I slurred, saying these words to no one in particular, but hoping maybe if I said them loud enough, he'll hear it.

"It's all reused, recycled, fucking salvaged." I gripped the wine bottle in my hand so hard my knuckles practically turned white "You take parts of something that's broken and build it into something you can hold onto again. You're no different from me, Williams."

When I noticed the bottle was almost empty, I stared at it intently, letting the remaining substance glide back and forth at the bottom, holding it to my eye level before tipping my head back and letting the few drops spill down my tongue.

You drank the last one, idiot.

I looked around and saw that I had drank everything I bought from the store, and I chuckled at the realization.

How does it feel?

I smiled, swinging the bottle back and forth before lifting it.... and dropping it to the ground. Watching what was once whole shatter into smithereens.

"Fucking fantastic."