Chapter Thirty-One: Maggie

I'm confident my heart and its naivety are going to be the death of me.

I've lived in a fantasy world for so long where all I did was play scenarios of what could've been, that it's hard for me to ground myself in what's concrete.

When that fantasy shattered, all things ideal quickly disintegrated, and I was pulled back to reality where the colors of the flowers paled and the air was poisoned with something that made my lungs cry for salvation. I couldn't accept it, I was scrambling for what felt familiar again. I didn't want this.

But I don't have a choice now, do I? I can't reverse time and I can't stop Evan if he no longer wants me. Feelings change along with the seasons, and we've already gone through spring, summer, and fall.

The cold has never felt so numbing.

There wasn't any deception involved, yet all I felt was betrayal. Why was that? Sure, he lied, but in the end, it's more about his privacy than it was about secrecy. He knows how much my emotions overflow that they're hard to contain, and he knows how easily they bleed right through the surface.

I was like a walking basin of emotions for the next couple of days. I was drained but at the same time, I felt as though I carried so much of my emotions on my back. Everything was overwhelming but I pushed myself to get through the day no matter how dampened my mood was.

We steered clear of the incident and decided not to bring it up, however, it was obvious we were just avoiding it instead of truly forgetting it. How could we when it felt as though we were just putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound?

I could only blame myself for the scratches done on my heart, he's absolved from the damages, and if I could I would just rip it out of my chest to spare us both the trouble. After all, I was the one that got attached and clung to something that was already slipping away.

Why did I even hope when I knew he wouldn't choose me? It was the most rational thought, as I put him through hell so many times, and those short-lived moments where we were happy couldn't compensate for the dent I left when I abandoned him.

Hope is a beautiful thing until it stumbles down the halls of my delusional mind.

Then again, it's all I have.

It felt as though I was dragging my body around like a sack of stone as I wandered through campus, my head weighed much more than I can handle with all the unsolicited thoughts I bore.

I told Evan it was nothing, that I understood where he was coming from and that I didn't take offense, but affirmations are easier said than done. I couldn't tell if he believed me either, but it compelled him not to bother me with the topic, and that's all that mattered.

However, at what cost? For me to handle this alone? It's selfish to drag him down with me just because I don't want to be the only one that suffered, even as you walk through hell you'd still want someone to hold your hand, for better or for worse.

But I'm not Eurydice and he's not Orpheus, I can't tell him how to guide me to safety only for him to lose me in the end. It's one-sided.

Still, that doesn't take away the isolation, as if I'm floating in the middle of the ocean with nothing to keep me buoyant. It's unbearable and the desperation for someone's company is going to eat me alive.

Yet no other company can suffice, it's that feeling where you crave another person's warmth but when someone does show up, it's still not enough, because you need a specific company, not just a person who can fill the void.

"Maggie?"

I was so deep in my thoughts that I hadn't even noticed the outstretched hand that reached out to me, halting me in my tracks as I stumbled a bit, only to be steadied back up by muscular arms.

Stunned, I looked up and was met by slanted brown eyes. They held that same tenderness to them, and those brief moments in time where he would show up at the right place and at the right time, I swear, I was almost convinced that the geniality I saw was nothing but sincere.

Levi cleared his throat "Sorry if I caught you off guard," after helping me compose myself, he was quick to put some distance between us.

I shook my head, gluing on a smile "No, it's okay."

The atmosphere was tense and I didn't have to question it, it's been days since we last talked let alone seen each other. If we did initiate eye contact it was only because we passed each other on campus, and I could always sense his eyes drilling holes at the back of my head as I did my best to be as further away from him as possible.

One can argue I was being childish, that he doesn't deserve this silent treatment because maybe what he had done was just out of concern, but that doesn't change the fact that his old habits are still there; his tendency to go behind my back when it's convenient for him, and he disguises it in the form of a white knight complex. Telling me he's doing it for my best interest, which just translates to "I can't trust you to make decisions for yourself therefore I'm entitled to make them for you."

I'm no stranger to deception, I fall victim to it all the time but when it comes to Levi, treachery is basically my friend. It comes knocking at my door to tell me Levi can't trust me even if his life depended on it.

He's questioned my judgment before, but that doesn't mean it stings any less every time it happens. It's like dragging in and out a dagger that's lunged deep in your heart.

I've forced myself not to take it personally, as it's more of his issue than it is mine.

A beat of silence occurred until he spoke up "How are you?"

Treading carefully, I suppose.

"I'm fine," I answered with just enough ambivalence and he took that as a sign that there was still uncertainty between us, and his demeanor changed..

"That's great," he replied awkwardly. "I just wanted to see how you were doing."

His half-baked efforts to stir conversation didn't go unnoticed, I could see it from a mile away "I'm doing great, don't worry." I reassured, and just as I was about to take a step back and disregard this interaction, he was quick to retaliate; grabbing my arm in a way that wasn't too aggressive but just had enough urgency that it took me by surprise.

If he sensed my discomfort, he didn't show it. "I'm sorry but," he was finding it difficult to find the right words "Can we talk? I just need to get some things out of the way."

I didn't agree immediately, he's not entitled to my consideration because he's rarely given me the benefit of a doubt even when I've begged for it. He's quick to make up his mind, and even though I've admired that about him, it's different when the problems he dismisses are my own.

Now, I only see apathy.

"You know I'm not ready to talk, Levi," I said, summoning just enough authority in my words so he would back off.

As expected, he doesn't "I know, but it's just..." he sighed, averting his gaze "I know you said you needed space, but I can't ignore the fact that this is killing me. I'm not used to us not talking.."

I scoffed "If this is hard for you, you can only imagine how unbearable it is for me. I'm not doing this because I want to. Do you think I'm looking for reasons to try and hate you?"

Contrary to popular belief, I do want this relationship to work. I admit, over the years it hasn't been easy, but almost every relationship is that way, or so I've told myself. If we tried, as in really tried, we could make this work if we wanted to. Perhaps over time, I'll learn how to let go of past baggage, and accept that he's destined to be both my present and my future.

But if this attitude persists, perhaps the universe may have got it wrong.

He looked defeated by my question, but he still didn't back down. "I know what I did was unfair, but you have to realize I meant nothing ill-intentioned by it. You know I do what I do because I do it for you and let's say I may come across as controlling, but that was never my intention."

I let out a dry laugh "When people do something that offends others but don't feel remorse about it, it's because they're inclined to think that they're the victim." he appeared wounded by my insinuation.

"Which is normal," I added. "In the end, we're all the main characters in our stories, never the villains. It's hard for us to admit when we've wronged the people that we love - we may say something that sounds innocent to us, but to the other, it's an insult to injury. But that doesn't change the fact you owe that person accountability."

"When you ratted me out to my father, to you it was concern, but It felt as though you could trust anyone in this world except me. I've always felt as if I've never had anyone to rely on, and when you walked out on me all those years ago, guess who was there to pick up the pieces and stitch me back together?"

He didn't need an answer.

I took a deep breath "Even though it's long gone, and what I feel for him is no longer... there. I still care about him, because he cares about me. When I had no one, he made me feel as though I wasn't alone, he was there for me at my lowest, and when I left him all those years ago, he was hurt. He stuck by me when we broke up and convinced me otherwise when I thought I wasn't worthy of love."

"You might think he was just a fling, but he's not. Evan meant so much to me, even until now." his jaw clenched "Even though it may not be the same, it's hard not to feel bad when you hurt someone as compassionate as he is. I'm not indebted to him, but I do owe him an explanation,"

"If that still isn't enough to clear your conscience," I swallowed. "He's with somebody else. You could go fucking ask him if you want, but the point is, you did something so reckless for nothing."

His shoulders deflated, admitting defeat "I didn't know that.'

"You never fucking asked me."

"Can you blame me?" he retaliated "Yes, it was unreasonable for me to go behind your back, but I couldn't help it. I thought of the worst because believe it or not, I'm not sure if you still want me."

Shocked, I was about to interfere before he stopped me. "Wait, let me finish. When you told me it was only an arranged marriage, I thought I could get you back. But it was clear he won you over, and there have been times where I wondered to myself that if your father hadn't gotten in the way, would you still even want me? Your devotion to him is different, Maggie. You fight for him with all you've got, and you might say it's because you care about him as a friend, but you don't even act that way when it comes to me,"

"Why should I? My father adores you,"

"But do you?" his question pierced through me like a shard "Don't deny it. In the past few years, you and I have been growing apart. You don't look at me the same way you did before, whenever I come around it feels as though I'm taking up too much of your time." he admitted, and I was dumbstruck to be hearing all of this.

Maybe it's because we never allowed ourselves to crumble in this kind of way in front of each other, if I was good at concealing my emotions, he was a thousand times better at it than I.

He looked down, the dismay in his eyes so evident "But I had to rationalize the situation by thinking that I haven't made it easier for you, which I haven't. I've made my fair share of mistakes, but in the end, I don't want to lose you. We've made it this far and you know just as well as I do, that when two people are repeatedly brought back together like this, it has to mean something."

He took a step forward and cupped my face in between his hands as we finally looked at each other, eye to eye. "I know I haven't been the best boyfriend, but I'm doing my best to make it up to you."

I let out a sigh "Then give me some time to figure this out." He was about to protest, but I cut him off. "Trust me, I don't want to lose this either."

That was enough to shut him up "But if we want to make this work, we have to set boundaries, listen to the other person, and resolve things when we're both ready, because it's obvious that we don't want to lose each other, so what's the need to be afraid?"

His eyes fluttered shut when I said that "I'm just scared you're going to realize someone can fill the void much better than I can."

My anxiety ascended the way bile rises to someone's throat. I could almost taste it. "That's not true," I told him, "I want you, but I just need time."

He contemplated my answer for a few seconds, until "Promise you'll come back to me?"

My chest tightened as I answered "Yes,"

I didn't even have enough time to brace myself when he suddenly leaned forward and captured my lips with his own - it held a tinge of urgency, not the kind where you're so lost in the moment, you want to devour it like it's your last.

This is different. It feels like he's trying to hold onto something he's not sure is even his.

When he was done, he put his forehead against mine and in a whisper, said "I love you, and I'll be here when you're ready."

It should've felt affirmative because I got what I wanted, someone was finally here for me and he's willing to show up if I asked him to, and yet...

Why do I feel as though what I really want is miles away?