Chapter Thirty-Nine: Maggie

I remember everything.

Perhaps in any cliche scenario, drinking yourself to the point of incoherency may result in brief memory loss, and that would've worked wonders to wash away any late-night regrets. God knows the things we do when we're drunk are better off buried in the deep pits of our subconscious.

But sadly, life finds a way to bring back what was supposed to be taken by the ocean right back to shore, because I remember everything.

From the moment I passed out on the floor and when I heard Evan's footsteps shuffling across the living room only to discover me sprawled out and intoxicated, my self-destruction was clearer than ever.

When he picked me up and cradled me in his arms so delicately as if he was afraid that at any moment, I could've shattered, I remembered it all.

The way his skin felt against my own, the look in his eyes so evident of concern and longing, and how gentle his tone was when he spoke. His actions were so lenient that you'd think he was putting away broken glass.

But despite the gentleness of his behavior, the impact of his words proved to be too unbearable for me to hear that it felt like being cut right open.

I couldn't take it. The way he talked seemed as though everything was fine. As if we hadn't been burning alive in a hell of our own making. I didn't mean to take it out on him nor was it my intention to let my emotions get the better of me, but at that moment, it felt as though there was nothing left for me to lose. He's seen me at my worst, he might as well see the other half of it.

So I let it all out. I said everything that I've wanted to say for God knows how long, everything was left out in the open. I confessed my sins and simply knelt at the altar, awaiting my repentance.

Then I passed out.

Fast forward to now, the consequences of my actions have sunk in and I realize after everything I said, I still have to look at Evan in the eye one more time because my plan to move out last night did not go as planned.

My attempts were cleaned up, however, my clothes were back in their previous place in Evan's closet as well as my luggage in his storage.

If he had planned to confront me about my confession last night thinking I remembered any of it, he must've planned to convince me to stay. He's smart, clearly putting two on two together, he knew after my confession I was planning to leave just like I always do.

Now that's not the case. By pretending to forget everything that's transpired I just myself deeper into a hole I can't get out of. That yes, I meant everything I said last night, but I only said it because I couldn't hold it in much longer.

But I don't regret what I said. I feel lighter now that it's out, but that doesn't make it any less hard to own up to it.

Perhaps it's because I've planned to tell him all along, just not in the circumstances I ended up doing it last night. I was hoping maybe I could've done it via letter, so at least then I'd be absolved from the pain of having to look him in the eye afterward.

But now I'm here, sitting on the couch, wondering how I'm going to break it to him that I want out of his apartment because I can't stand the thought of being near him any longer now that I've poured my heart out to him.

He's in class and I've decided to repack everything he put back in his closet, but it stings a lot more than when I did it the first time, with the absence of alcohol no longer clouding my judgment, it feels more real.

I've grown used to seeing my belongings in his apartment that without them now, the space just feels hollow.

But I guess that's the price I have to pay by molding myself back into his life, but if I've managed to survive being ripped away from him so suddenly, I can do it again.

I knew it would've been better to just pack my things and go, but I realized what I'd done to him had been far too much that it would just be cruel to do it all over again.

I waited for what felt like hours as I contemplated returning to my father's house, then again, it's not like I have that many options. I need to come back whether I like it or not.

If I choose to extend my stay here it won't be long before my father decides my departure from home has exceeded and he'll start to speculate where I am, and the last thing I want is to risk putting Evan in danger. The reason why I even agreed to live with him was to secure Evan and his family's safety. But the thought of going back nauseates me, and I'd be lying if I said that staying here isn't tempting. 

Shaking away the thought, I whip out my phone and video call Emily and Beth, considering my judgment is split in half I might as well get advice from the two people who know the depth of this situation more than anyone.

It didn't take long before the two of them picked up "Hey Maggs," they greeted simultaneously with a smile before they noticed my distressed state.

"Guys," my voice was wavering as I spoke, "I need your help."

I did a rundown of the events leading up to last night's fiasco - from Alyssa bringing Evan home to her admitting she has feelings for him, to me encouraging her to go out with him as the guilt of ruining her chances with him swallowed me whole. Until I reached the part where I regretted my decisions and confessed to him in a puddle of my regret about how I'm still in love with him.

Maybe it's because I've been desensitized with the horrors of my own life that I wasn't fazed by them anymore, but if the terror on Emily and Beth's faces was anything to go by, this was obviously not a normal situation to be in.

"Oh God, Maggs." Emily said in an exasperated tone "As much as I love you, I'll be honest, you've brought this on yourself."

"Emily," Beth scolded

"It's true!" she rebutted "She agreed to move in with him knowing damn well that wasn't a good idea but insisted anyway because all of us know she can't resist Evan despite her saying she wants to be as further away from him-"

"Because I do!"

"Bullshit," she argued "Face facts, Maggie, no matter what you say we all know it's the opposite of what you'll do because we all know you don't care about him."

Taken aback, I stared at her with wide eyes "Why would you say that? Of course, I care about him-"

"Then leave," she said "Leave that damn house before you know what's good for you. For both of you. If you care about him you won't stay there any longer for him to convince you not to leave. If you care about him, you won't look back no matter how many times he tells you to turn around, and if you love him like you say you do... you'll leave him alone."

I was silent, trying to open my mouth to reason but all I came up with was... nothing, she knew she won this fight because she remained quiet with me, as well as Beth, despite her clearly wanting to defend me, but we both know Emily made a point that was hard to ignore.

She sighed "I know it's hard. After everything you've been through you want nothing more but to be in the safety of someone you love and who loves you just the same. It's difficult to say the same thing about your father with the way he's treated you, as well as Levi after what he's seen from your dad but chose to ignore, and that's why leaving Evan hurts because you know he'll never do that. He'd disrespect your family, his family, his friends, and us before he let anyone talk down on you. He loves you, there's no denying that, but..."

"We both know this can't go on any longer without someone getting hurt, and I can't let you make a decision that only feels right at the moment until it blows up in your face in the future."

My eyes prickled, unable to argue what she was saying because she was right. I can't risk hurting any more people, especially Evan just because I find it hard to let him go. He's been my shelter as soon as he entered my life, but what's the use of making someone your sanctuary when you'll be the reason why that home gets invaded and ruined beyond belief?

"Do what's right, Maggie. It'll be hard to leave him again the second time around, but you've survived it once, you can survive it again." Emily said as I offered her a tired smile.

"Thank you, for giving me some clarity." she nodded, as there were no words that needed to be said. We know what needs to be done at this point.

We hung up, and I took a couple of deep breaths before slowly rising from the couch, taking hold of the handle of my luggage as I looked around the apartment one last time, thinking it'd be best to leave before he gets here-

I halted in my tracks as the sound of keys unlocking the door froze me in my spot. Evan came into view and dropped his bag by the side of the door before he looked up at me.

"Hey, what-"

It didn't take long before his eyes flickered to the bag I held tightly in my grasp.

"... You're leaving?"