Chapter Ten: Evan

I don't think there's a word in the English language that could perfectly articulate what I could be feeling right now. It was a whirlwind of emotions I couldn't describe even if I wanted to.

Everything seemed static and numbing, heart racing but also immensely paralyzing, as I couldn't move my limbs, force my mind to react in the way that it wants to, even though deep down, beneath the soul-crushing weight of it all, I wanted nothing more but to tap into the resentment I've had bottled up all these years, shatter that shit, let it all out and poison everybody else here in the room with me.

Let it all out now that I know she's here, in the flesh, but somehow just looking at her felt like I was staring at an apparition.

Because although I am aware that I could physically see her, and that my eyes weren't playing tricks on me, and that she's no less than a couple of rows away from me, is that my mind's still having a difficult time processing the situation and realize that this was indeed my reality.

That Maggie Carter, the girl I have been mourning for all these years and had always hoped to find every time I turn around and look another way, is actually here.

In the same classroom.

In the same University.

In the same city.

I didn't wanna fool myself into thinking that it was all that obvious and predictable, that after all these years of intense man-hunting, Maggie couldn't possibly have been residing here in New York... but the tiniest part of me still wished.

It persisted and thought that maybe, just maybe, it really was all that easy and predictable, that it might've not been that complicated.

But the devil's in the details, after all.

So even though all of this may bewilder me in ways that I can't even properly describe, a piece of my past conviction finally stands in victory knowing that of course, he'd fucking bring her here. Because Wayne might be a conniving monster who slithers his way in when you least expect him, but of course he'd parade her in a place that's all too obvious just to rub salt in the wound.

Which, as much as I hate to admit it, he succeeded in doing.

Because looking at her now, a part of me does feel gratified knowing that she's studying here in New York as she'd always wanted, but I also couldn't ignore the stinging realization that even though we're only separated by an efflux of students, is that the distance between us still feels unknown and that I don't know where we stand.

Because I can't just walk up to her, I can't just approach her and hug her like how my heart wants me to, or to scream at her and demand answers like how my mind wants me to, due to how it's been years and how the connection we once built that was swept away by the storm of Wayne's interference has now dwindled into the debris of uncertainty and that I can't just pick up the scattered pieces of what we once were and pretend that everything still feels like home.

She's a stranger to me as much I'm probably now a stranger to her.

But still, that fact didn't dissuade my mind from running wild in all the possible scenarios I could make happen if I mustered the right amount of courage to make all those fantasies from previous nights that I missed her into a reality considering she's here.

I suppressed the need to act out on them, though, as I just busied myself in registering her and her presence, her appearance which changed so drastically but at the same time, stayed quite the same given my distinct recognition of her even after all these years.

One that wouldn't have been lost on me earlier if I hadn't been too transfixed on my phone, which I had now disregarded entirely.

As I could only seem to keep my eyes on her and the side of her face, her familiar olive skin that stood in stark contrast and made those who sat next to her pale in comparison, her small button nose that scrunched in embarrassment the second Mr. Nelson called her out to introduce herself.

Her once long, wavy brown hair had been cut short and sat merely above her shoulder blades, accompanied by a new set of bangs that made her already tiny face much smaller

She dressed more maturely now, however, if that were to even be possible given how formal she had dressed back in the day. As she wore a rose, silk button-down that draped over her petite frame quite loosely, but she partnered it with a fitted pair of black slick, bell-bottoms pants that accentuated her narrow waist, padded hips, and long legs, as she spoke to the class whilst using precise hand gestures.

The way she carried her posture still stayed the same - straight, and in accordance with how she was speaking, which was strictly professional and disciplined. She radiated the same air of elegance whenever she was around people she didn't know, and I couldn't help but reminisce the days where I was able to see a side of her that's much different from what she's showing other people now.

I wonder if that trait also hasn't been lost in her either. The more sarcastic, witty, and cheeky side of her that only but a few handfuls of people got to witness.

I kept staring even when the sound of Mr. Nelson's voice bounced onto the walls of the room as he announced that classes were over, as she stood up along with the rest of the class.

I remained stuck in my stupor until she walked out of the lecture hall and I willed myself to stand up and walk out of the class as well. I stayed close behind in case she'd see me, but she was already down the corridors by the time I stepped out, speaking to a group of students, and it surprised me seeing that she's already made friends on her first day.

I know that time has passed, but I didn't think it would've evoked a sense of extroversion that she always lacked. Maybe due to Wayne isolating her all these years, she needed more people to confide in that weren't him?

I kept staring not until an abrupt figure emerged from the sidelines and walked up to her, and my heart practically slammed against my chest, my breath suddenly being lunged at the back of my throat and by now, I couldn't have possibly thought that Maggie being here in New York was gonna be topped by anything else in terms of events that have absolutely wrecked me and my first day here in NYU before I could even have the chance to fucking enjoy it.

Because as if matters couldn't get any worse, I felt the wind being knocked right out of me once my gaze adjusted to the sight of Levi fucking Chu, which I was certain it was him despite the distance that was wedged between us.

That I surely wasn't hallucinating, and that my mind wasn't fucking me over even as he leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss to Maggie's lips, and as if everything fell into place, that's what did it for me.

That what fucking did it for me as I took a step back and left the scene.

My heart thrummed like it was about to burst out of my rib cage while my head simultaneously pounded with the fit of rage I was practically drowning in.

It was as if the oxygen was sucked right out of my body as I skittered into the nearest restroom and locked myself in it, wanting to be alone with my thoughts because if not, I'm pretty sure I was going to unload my wrath onto the next person that decides to unintentionally provoke me.

Because everything seemed like it was working against me at this point, and one could blame it on coincidences, blame it on the fact that things just had to happen at the right time but in the wrong place, blame it on the fact that the world may end up really being that small.

But when it's this consistent with one major revelation happening right after the other that kept perpetually stabbing me where it hurt the most, that's where the problem lies.

Because it just had to be when I decided to move on, just when I thought that the silver lining at the end of the tunnel became the brightest I've ever seen it, and just when I thought I removed any remnants of her and what we used to be back in LA.

It just had to be in a time where I would least expect her.

I wanted to rip apart this fucking bathroom tile by tile,  move onto the entire building and blow it up into smithereens for providing me this false sense of hope that by staying here, I have a better chance at moving on because it's a new school in a new city, after all.

But most importantly, I wanted to rip myself apart because I was so sure of where I stood before she came along. I should be indifferent that she's here and not be this sorry excuse of a quivering mess I am now because I was sure I've left her in the past.

That I've completely given up on the idea of looking for her and that even if I did find her, I shouldn't look back because the only thing her existence signifies was my ruination.

Because that's what she did, she ruined me.

Yet when I looked at her, I felt all the shattered parts of me from before suddenly come together, igniting me with this fiery semblance of relief and even... happiness, in knowing that she's here. Only to just as quickly break me apart when she came back but with Levi, out of all people.

Because we could've had a future together. We could've fucking had one here in New York yet to see her bring someone that she reassured me she no longer planned to be associated with yet used all the plans we cultivated but made it theirs to achieve instead...

Fuck this shit.

Fuck this shit and everything in between. Fuck Levi for being here instead of me, fuck him for getting here first and getting the spot I've wanted all these years which was to be next to her.

Next to her and to be the one that offers support when she needs it, offer a shoulder when she needs one to cry on and offer love when she wants it.

But instead, it's him, and I just can't help but think... if I had just shown up a little bit earlier, at the right time, and in the right place, it could've been me.

If I had just persisted and fought a little harder when I thought everything was just a dead-end, it could've been me because, in reality, it wasn't a dead-end. It never was because she was always here like I wanted her to be.

Now it's too late. It's too late and I want to blame her, I really do, because she could've fucking waited for me to come and even possibly save the day.

But that's just being selfish because you can't expect someone to wait for you.

Even though I did. All those years ago.

I could've waited for her until she came back, even if the snow froze me to death and the seasons passed, and deep fucking down, I just wish she could've done the same.

Waited before she replaced me with someone else.

Someone who she always said would never amount to me because she loved me more.

But seeing as how things are now, it seems as though that isn't the case, and never has been.

I gripped the tiles of the sink as I tried to even out my breathing, make sense of what I've seen but by now, there was no denying that what I saw was real and that there's no possible way I could walk around it and pretend it doesn't even remotely affect me.

Because it does, as much as I wish that it doesn't, there's no denying that it hurts.

Now I have to live through the ordeal that the so-called reparation I was so sure was at arm's reach was simply nothing more but a transgression to the past, because look at me now. 

Back to square fucking one.

"Look what you fucking did, Carter," I muttered into the vortex of nothingness in hopes that if I verbalized it hard enough, it'll somehow echo back to her "Look how you fucking ruined me."