Chapter Fourteen: Maggie

The passage of time has moved at a derivative pace for me these past few years.

The kind where I'm just watching every second, minute, and hour fly idly by, no longer regarding their significance that I don't even bother asking what time of the day it is anymore. All I know is that I want it to be over so I can indulge in the hours where my mind briefly slips into unconsciousness, forcing me to forget all my mundane responsibilities.

Life, in general, just seems to navigate at a river's velocity where the stream keeps on moving but there aren't any visible pit stops. You continue even despite the occasional boulders that stand in your way, as you've grown accustomed to being one with them.

It all started to blend together that I could barely distinguish normality from obstacles.

... But in that fleeting moment where familiar hazel eyes met my own, time had suddenly moved at an axis that felt all too intimate but alienating at the same time.

When the heart beats at a speed I never thought it would beat again, not until I saw him, and it wasn't until he vanished from my line of sight that it had dawned on me that the thrill I've longed for all this time could only be felt when... he was there.

With his bronze skin and tousled brown hair, I felt that tantalizing thrill only he could manage to give rush through me as if I was suddenly brought back from the ocean depths.

He gave me that fresh intake of air I've needed whilst simultaneously stealing it away from me.

Because he's here, he's actually here.

Evan is here.

Everything seemed so surreal that I couldn't determine whether I wanted the moment to last or to end as soon as it began, it was just so abrupt that the intensity it bore became too much for me to handle. If I were to accurately convey it through words, it was like seeing the ghost of a past loved one. Too enthralled to look away but too overwhelmed to endure some more.

I could never really decide what I was feeling when it came to him. He either gave me too much or too little of something to work with.

It wasn't until he had exited the campus was when I was able to recollect my bearings and to identify the appropriate type of emotions that I should feel, which later on ended up being anxiety, as I promptly turned to Levi to gauge his reaction only to see he was too busy talking to his friends to pay any mind to our surroundings let alone to who I just saw.

"Hey," he called out softly after he turned to look at my bewildered face "You look rattled. Is something wrong?"

"I-I..." I stammered, blinking profusely "I just... didn't you see-"

"See what, babe?" he asked, gently kissing my forehead.

My eyebrows furrowed, pondering whether I should pester him about it and raise unnecessary alarm or keep it to myself until I could make sense of what I witnessed because God knows I don't need Levi to resort to confiding in... him.

I gulped, choosing to set it aside "Nothing. I just thought I saw one of those gigantic sewer rats people keep saying they see around the city."

His face distorted in disgust before he let out a chuckle "It was probably nothing, have you gotten enough sleep last night? Maybe your eyes are just playing tricks on you."

I do wish that were the case and that my eyes were indeed playing tricks on me, resulting in delusions that I'd get every now and then whenever my mind wanders to areas of my imagination that reminisced him and therefore, tried to compensate by creating fantasies.

It was either my delusions have turned too strong that they intersected with my reality, or what I wished for all this time finally did come true, yet I'd be lying if I said that the ordeal was cathartic. An instance where things occur during the wrong place and the wrong time.

Why did you have to pop up just when I've given up on all hopes of ever seeing you again?

Why do you have to stay so goddamn unpredictable after all this time?

But speaking of things that haven't changed, he certainly has. Although some features remained recognizable, there was no denying that a new sense of maturity blossomed when it came to him, both regarding his aura as well as his appearance.

What was once the face of a boy who showed a great deal of carelessness and mischief, now transformed to that of a man who oozed elegance and sobriety, a stark juxtaposition of the person I left all those years ago... someone who would've gone against all odds to achieve everything he's ever wanted, and seeing him now, doing just that by enrolling here in NYU, made my pride swell knowing that he did it.

He did it. He got what he wanted.

Though I couldn't ignore the way my pride concurrently deflated upon realizing that yes, he did get what he wanted, or at least what he had told me he wanted to have with me, and yet the only thing missing from what had come to be is that I wasn't there to celebrate any of it with him.

You gain some, you lose some.

But a part of me still salvages the notion that even when something falls apart, a fragment of it still stands in hopes may be that you can revive it because it couldn't have been a coincidence that he wound up in the same university as me. There's just no way.

Then again, I don't want to entertain any idea that encourages a reunion because lord knows how that's going to end, and if by some miraculous way it happens without any bad blood getting involved (I doubt it) it's not like we'll be able to start anything from there.

There's too much history between us, too much unresolved conflict, and unanswered questions that I don't think I'll ever have the guts to confront any of them. Time may have passed along with the seasons, but I'm still the same girl who could never come face-to-face with the consequences of her own actions. You reap what you sow. 

Plus it'd be better if I just left things in the way that it ceased, with Evan loathing my guts because that's how we started. Everything comes in full circle, after all.

It'd be futile trying to spark something that's already dimmed, and chances are he's already moved on, there's so much that can happen in the span of three years and I'd have to be delusional to think that all this time, he actually... waited for me.

It wouldn't even be delusional, at this point, it would be downright manic, because you can't expect someone to stand around and wait for you, and as much as my isolation craved for his presence, I can't afford to get angry let alone be disappointed in the fact that he's moved on.

Specifically, with the girl that I saw him leave campus with.

I can't deny that the sight of him with someone new sunk any potential hope our short-lived encounter ignited in me, it extinguished as soon as it kindled and the smoke it left in the room of my stupid little heart suffocated me so much I could hardly breathe.

It was agonizing, to say the least. Evoking a plethora of emotions that ranged from sorrow, grief, to resentment until eventually, I reprimanded myself with the reminder that... he has every fucking right to move on, considering I already have and yet here I am wallowing over something that's already decomposed a long, long time ago.

My life has taken multiple turns and so has his, so I can't allow myself to be angry that we've both arrived at the same path, just not alongside each other.

Even though it pains me in ways that a moment that scarcely lasted ten fucking seconds should be able to do, I can't ignore that the years and seasons have passed, and how both of our lives have changed drastically since then.

So it'd be better if I just resume to how life is now, along with its visible changes and all, and how a fragment of my past shouldn't change that... even if it comes back, appearing as promising as ever like the exact moment I decided to leave it behind.

* * *

It's funny though, trying to focus on the present when you're either troubled by memories of the past or promises of the future, maybe that's why I've found it difficult to stay attentive to how my life is now considering I seemed to think about anything else aside from what I already have.

It makes me feel guilty, how life has given me so much to work with, and yet I still desperately try to reach the bottom of the barrel hoping to grasp onto anything else.

Never really satisfied, always fantasizing about what could've been or what was - and as I stare at Levi from the corner of my eye while he drives me back to my place, our usual routine since we attended University, I can't help but think that just because you've grown accustomed to something doesn't mean it's not capable of still isolating you.

Because I'll be honest, even though I've been acclimating to my so-called living conditions here in New York for three whole years now, I sometimes feel like I'm still adjusting like how I did when my father brought me here for the first time and I felt like I was tossed into dicey territory.

I established that day that my life would be utterly miserable from thereon, and although I've learned to accommodate ever since I moved here, I can't say that that sentiment had been entirely discarded, as it finds its ways to slither back intensely or in discreet patterns.

"Your dad invited me over for dinner, by the way," Levi announced just as we drew near to my street "I didn't know if he had told you about it but I just thought I would tell you..."

I shook my head, looking over the car window nonchalantly "If you wanna stay, then stay."

"Are you sure it's not a bother to you?" he asked.

I remained silent, finding the question almost pointless "He can do whatever he wants, Levi. It's not up for me to decide, the dinner would happen whether I like it or not."

We arrived at my house shortly after as I quickly unbuckled my seatbelt, opting to get out not until Levi grasped my hand and lifted it up to his lips, kissing it softly as I arched an eyebrow.

"I know how much you hate it when he plans these dinners, he usually just bombards us with questions about our careers and it's all very technical but..."

"It's what he wants," I finished "I know. We've done this before. It doesn't matter."

We walked down the gravel path leading to the front door of my father's three-story house, I've been living here for a while but I still could never find myself getting used to its grandiosity. Sometimes it feels like living in the dragon's den.

With its monochromatic interior, paperwhite walls, dark-coated roof, and extensive windows that overlook the entire neighborhood, the house itself stand out like a sore thumb. Paralleling my father's tendency to domineer everything and everyone in his life, including his fucking elitist neighbors who have houses that are just as pretentious, but of course, his takes the cake.

We were welcomed by the housekeeper as Levi rang the doorbell, with them ushering us inside as they took Levi's bag and jacket from him "Good afternoon, Mr. Chu." Clarice, our thirty-five-year-old housekeeper greets him as she turned to me "Miss Carter, welcome home."

I shot her a quick grin as I started removing my shoes and leaving them by the doorway while Levi gave her his typical all-teeth showing smile "Thank you, Clarice. Is Wayne still at work?"

It's become a habit of Levi questioning my father's whereabouts more than I do, but it's futile for me to make the same effort, considering I already know the answer regarding my father's schedule:

"He just got off work and will be heading home soon," Clarice said like I predicted because it's either he's still at work or will be heading back home from work, considering his life fucking revolves around his career. But who am I to complain? Shit pays the bills.

"I'll be heading upstairs," I quickly butted in "I'm just gonna get changed."

Levi nodded, his smile not once faltering "Okay, I'll be waiting by the dining room once you come back, okay?"

I merely waved my hand as I hurriedly sprinted up to my room, locking the door on my way in, inhaling a deep breath before letting it out.

My chest still weighed me down despite being in the solace of my bedroom that usually provides me the needed sanctuary I crave throughout the day, but the noose that ties around my neck still hasn't loosened, it's as tight as the moment Evan lassoed me with it when his penetrating gaze pinned me down when our eyes met for the first time after so many years.

I planned to dismiss the dilemma and not think too much of it but... it's so fucking hard.

I wasn't able to process the significance of what that encounter entailed, but now that I'm here in the confines of my bedroom without the presence and voices of others to intervene anymore, has it finally dawned on me that Evan fucking Williams is here in New York.

Attending the same university as me.

Probably living no less than a couple of miles away from where I live, and is most likely attending the same classes as me, and I just hadn't noticed.

It came crashing over me like a ruthless tidal wave, knowing that everything I've witnessed was real, and it's just a matter of how I'm going to handle it is where the real issue lies, because judging by my fluctuating emotions right now, it's clear my intentions to try and drop the ordeal has ultimately failed.

Because I simply just can't.

An abrupt ringing tone sliced through the atmosphere disrupting my train of thought, as I jumped startled while I stayed leaning against my bedroom door, and I looked around to find out where the noise was coming from, only to see that it came from my laptop which was left open from when I had used it this morning.

I walked towards my desk and saw that it was Emily and Beth inviting me to a video chat, and I mindlessly accepted the invite as the sight of both their faces appeared on the screen.

Both of them have matured quite prominently over the years similarly to me, we aren't the same girls we were back in high school, with a demeanor of maturity exuding from both of them that adulthood clearly inflicted, but personality-wise, they're still the same loud and exuberant misfits I've come to love. When I had moved here to New York it didn't take a while for both of them to reach out to me sooner or later, they practically tracked me down and prodded me to tell them everything that happened, and to this day they are the only ones back in Henderson High who know the real story as to why I suddenly disappeared from LA all those years ago.

For the most part, I appreciate the effort they made by searching for me and finding out where I resided because God knows what being isolated in a city you've never lived in and having no one to vent to about your frustrations and anxiety could've led me... to do.

I swallowed thickly at the thought, remembering how strangled I felt when I no longer had the presence of my mother, the only parent whom I truly felt safe with, as well as Evan who had offered the real joys of what being young, crazy, and in love felt like only for it to be suddenly taken away from me without a moment's notice.

To have my freedom snatched just like so, making me think that this life of dictation was what's always gonna be bestowed upon me until the day I die, depriving me of any hope that there's gonna be any silver lining at the end of this.

But then I saw him, and almost automatically, the lever of my memory train got enabled, sparking a false sense of faith that maybe, just maybe...

The universe isn't entirely against me.

"How's everyone's day been?" Beth asked, ecstatic as usual considering the college life has been catering to her and her expectations, being able to roam around San Diego and meet new people, as she's currently attending UCSD "Mine was awesome-"

"It always is, Beth." Emily teased as I watched her navigate the steering wheel of her car, evidently having just left the UMich campus "Sucked faces with David the entire day?"

"Oh butt off, Emily, it's not my fault the campus hottie asked me out on the first day," Beth boasted as Emily just playfully rolled her eyes.

"Sorry if I seem like I'm the odd one out between my two best friends who are taken," she jeered "Thank God, Maggie and Levi have been together since high school so I don't have to endure two girls talking about the honeymoon phase of their relationship."

"Yeah, clearly Maggie has arrived at the phase where her relationship tends to nauseate her," Beth joked as she looked at me "You okay, Maggs? You seem awfully quiet."

"Her dad probably invited Levi over for dinner again." Emily implied accurately "She only ever gets moody because she has to sit through a two-hour dinner where Wayne and Levi talk about marketing and stocks,"

Both girls made gagging noises to make sure I was not alone in my revulsion during these types of occasions "I'd be pretty fucking pissed too if I had to sit through that," Emily remarked, "Might as well just tell my boyfriend and my dad that they should date each other instead rather than act out as a third wheel for shit I could care less about."

"Turn that frown upside down, Maggs, it'll be insufferable but it'll end either way-"

"Evan is here."

Both girls halted at their tirade as soon as those words left my mouth, with Emily abruptly being drawn forward as she stopped driving midway due to her shock, whilst Beth could only look at me as if I said a cursed omen that would inevitably lead me to my downfall.

In a way, that's how it feels.

A moment of silence occurred as neither one of us said another word, not until Beth was the one to eventually break the ice as she asked, in a dumbfounded tone "... Come again?"

I clenched my jaw tightly as I looked down, having already said it but the words still tasted so foreign and bittersweet on my tongue, like the small outpour of liquor gliding sensually in the mouth of an alcoholic who's going through recovery, the catharsis feels all too familiar but the shame that comes along in missing it is just as intoxicating.

"Evan is here," I repeated "He's here. In New York."