Chapter Fifteen: Maggie

Dinner is unbearable, as always.

I couldn't help it as the words that spilled past my father's mouth flew from one ear right out the other, as I couldn't seem to force myself to focus even for the sake of politeness. You can only endure the same old routine done about a hundred times before it eventually gets on your nerves, and instead of adjusting, you just wait for it to all end.

But sadly, that wasn't the case with my father and Levi, as they seem to get along in regards to their professional and personal lives, the conversation always running smoothly and I can understand why it was easier for him to accept Levi as they inhibit similar qualities, their work ethic being one of them.

Deep down, I always knew my father wanted someone whom he deemed competent, someone he knew would be able to... take care of me, once he either passed away or retired, someone whom he'd trust to leave the family business behind, or at least, that's what he said.

But it doesn't take a genius to know that having someone to help me in our business meant that he needed someone who wasn't me to take over it. Someone who doesn't detest his work as much as I do, someone who doesn't rebel against his wishes, even though I've done nothing but to comply and do everything that he's asked of me.

Whether it be choosing a college major I wasn't sure if I actually wanted but because he wanted me to decide now rather than later, I had no choice but to succumb to his demands even though his decision was going to be the only one left on the table anyway.

Even though I had given up so many things such as my happiness and dignity to satisfy him, it still wasn't enough as he would much rather have someone else who would quote on quote, guide me to this field of work, considering I still had so much to learn and was clearly inexperienced, and that he just wanted the best for me.

That he just didn't want to see me fail.

Even though that clearly signified he didn't want me to fail solely because it would embarrass him and would tarnish everything he had worked so hard to achieve since he was a teenager.

That he just wanted to make it easier for me because he didn't get any help when he was young when he entered the family business, not bothering to even ask me if I wanted to be a part of this godforsaken empire, to begin with.

But failure and opposition were simply not an option, considering that would only result in unwanted scrutiny and patronizing from him, and if I wanted to lift that burden from my shoulders, compliance was the only way out.

Even if it means having to sit through three-hour dinners where there's not a single point where he asks me how my day went and just keeps scolding me that my attention seems to be wandering anywhere else but the discussion.

"Maggie," his typical authoritarian voice called out when he noticed that I'd much rather play with the broccoli and spinach on my plate than listen to his ramblings. "We'd appreciate it if you'd contribute to the conversation here."

I suppressed the need to narrow my eyes and glare at him, knowing that would only earn an equally vehement look from him in return, but before I could come up with some half-baked excuse, Levi beat me to it.

"It's okay, Wayne." he chuckles, reaching out to hold my hand as I just let it lay limp on the table, allowing him to do whatever he pleases to appease my father's mood "It's been a long day, we're both quite tired so I don't blame Maggie for just keeping quiet and listening."

"That doesn't stop you from making the effort, however," he remarked which finally led me to look up and throw daggers at him "Good thing your behavior in University makes up for your attitude here at home, Maggie." Because you're not fucking there to ruin my day, that's why.

"Her teachers love her," Levi boasted as I willed myself to offer him a somewhat appreciative smile "Then again, who wouldn't? No doubt when exam seasons roll around she'd nail them, you're gonna be the top of your class, won't you, Maggs?"

I clenched my jaw at that, these typical presumptions only fueling my urge to go against what they want, consequences be damned and all, to just stand up from this dinner table, tell them they can be the ones to ace all those fucking classes if they want perfect grades that badly and to leave me the hell alone.

But I bit down on my tongue and opted with "Sure will," I gritted out which Levi beamed at, causing my father to dart his eyes between the two of us, satisfied with the act displayed.

Not that he believed it, he knows me better than to fall for my charades, but it's better to play along than to throw the whole script away. You just gotta work with what you have.

With that, dinner resumed, and once again I let my mind wander off to unrelated topics that seem a thousand times more interesting than my father talking about finance and business analytics.

But once I caught myself slipping at the precipice of my subconscious, did I desperately try to crawl back up considering the only thing that's been contaminating my thoughts was my conversation with Beth and Emily earlier.

Bouncing at the corners of my mind like a consonance, you can try to dismiss it by thinking of something else, but it finds its way to replay the same memories over and over.

"What do you mean he's here in New York?" Beth screeched after mustering enough headspace to ask somewhat coherent questions.

I tried to stay calm despite their synchronized panicking, but I'd be lying if I said it's not affecting me just as much as my knees bounce uncontrollably underneath my desk, forcing myself to stay self-composed as I tried to elaborate more on the matter.

"He's here, I saw him walking around campus today and I don't know if he's in the same classes as me, but the point still stands that he's not only in the same city but the same fucking college," I explained, my fingers involuntarily twitching at my sides, as I tried to halt their moving by squeezing my hands into fists.

Emily was taking the situation more calmly than Beth, who looks more frenzied about my ordeal than I am, but I understand the need for concern nonetheless, both of them were there to witness how my life spiraled ever since I left Los Angeles years ago, and how they're both aware behind the reason as to why.

How my father completely and inexplicably hates Evan and would much rather see me die alone than to be with him, how the idea of me reigniting my relationship with Evan puts him on edge and therefore makes it his mission to constantly persuade me to move on.

How I've attempted several times to go back to Los Angeles and reunite with Evan, to reach out to him and reassure him that I didn't abandon him because I wanted to, but because I needed to, and those are two completely different things that I wish someday he'll be able to understand.

But every attempt made was singlehandedly restricted considering my father was there and was hell-bent on making sure that no such thing as reconciliation would happen, and he succeeded given that I've agreed to what he wanted because it's either that or I let my need for rebellion be the cause of other people being at risk because of my selfish desires.

Even though what I would describe as 'selfish' in this context is merely just a normal life where I could have a healthy fucking relationship and live with a parent who actually cares about me. But God forbid I let my father think otherwise.

"Did he talk to you? Did he approach you?" Beth asked further as I just shook my head.

"No, we just saw each other and it was obvious he was just as surprised to see me."

"What are you planning to do then? Now that you know he's here?" Beth asked, her eyebrows furrowed in sheer curiosity.

"It's not like she has that much freedom to do anything else about the encounter while Wayne is breathing down her neck," Emily butted in as she finally returned to driving, but giving me occasional probing glances.

As much as I find Emily's investigative stares quite uncomfortable to sit through, I can see why she's targeting me with them because as much as we all know how much Evan's absence has affected me greatly these past few years, there's no denying that it's detrimental to act out on it while I'm still living with my father and how one wrong move could lead to him fulfilling his promise about ruining the lives of those who even try to ruin his goals and visions for me.

He was determined that way, with an eagle's eyes you just can't hide from, so even though I appreciate Beth's emotional support throughout my anxiety, Emily bringing me back down to reality is just what I need, because Lord knows the kind of bullshit I'd get myself into if I didn't have people in my life that acquired the kind of rationality I oftentimes disregard due to my own destructive needs.

I sighed "She's right, it's not like there's nothing I can do about it, now can I? It just shocked me, that's all. It's been so long since I've last seen him and it's just..."

"We know," Emily reassured "It's hard because you guys left things off in a rather... inconclusive way, you didn't get to explain yourself to him and he didn't get enough closure from you. I can only imagine how anyone would react after being subjected to that kind of pain, on either of your behalfs."

"It's more impactful for him," I said, a tinge of remorse in my tone. "Even though it hurt me having to leave him in the way that I did, I would've probably gone crazy if someone just walked away from me like that after everything we shared. It was almost deceptive, what I did."

Scratch almost, it is deceptive, but my pride just doesn't want to admit that yet. To admit that I've put him in enough pain already that I can't push myself to take accountability for any of it.

To take accountability that despite being aware of his issues with abandonment, is that I would end committing the same crime I kept telling him I would never do, to jet set around our fears and anxieties thinking we'd overcome them together, only to end crashing the plane and leaving him sprawled in a pool of blood while I exit the scene, scarcely wounded.

I just can't bear the idea that I've done something I promised I would never do. To not fulfill what I swore, because God knows how many times people have failed me the same way.

"But it doesn't matter anymore, how we left it," I added "It's better to have destroyed it knowing the relationship was bound to be ruined anyway. We've glided on the floors of hell thinking it's some sort of ballroom for long enough, it's better to have walked away without any hope of returning than giving him any false semblance of hope."

"Do you think he still feels the same way?" Beth asked, "You know, about wanting to get back together?"

I pulled my bottom lip in between my teeth as I shook my head in dismay. "I doubt it, before I saw him leave the campus, there was a girl waiting by the entrance for him."

They both fell silent at that, staring at me as if I told them that the world was going to implode in less than two minutes. In a way, that's sort of how it felt, seeing him... with her.

Golden locks, sunkissed skin, bright eyes, and equally radiant smile, it doesn't surprise me that after all these years he would choose someone who makes the effort to wait for him the same way he does, not just some one-sided situation where he was always the one to take the initiative, whilst I stand at the other side, selfishly taking, and barely giving.

Someone who exudes warmth and adoration for him even on a mundane day, who runs up to him and welcomes him with open arms rather than just... leaves him.

Someone who isn't me.

"Are you alright?" Beth questioned, clearly tiptoeing around the subject.

I swallowed, not confirming nor denying, just shrugging my shoulders as I answered, yet again:

"It doesn't matter what I feel," I said, plain and simple "As long as he's with anyone else other than me, everything is better than alright."

... Even if it means that everything excludes me.

* * *

I hate how you can feel so much yet not feel anything at all, in such a short amount of time.

One second I was pondering over my feelings regarding Evan whilst I zoned out during dinner, and the next I'm standing here by the doorway, looking up at Levi as I walk him out after our dinner that seemed akin to that of a meeting.

With his eyes twinkling in acknowledgment about how I had managed to do so well while he and my father talked as if I was a child being rewarded for being well-behaved, as I just responded to his affections with an almost stoic expression, arms crossed, waiting for this to be over with.

"It wasn't that bad, now was it? You did so well," he told me whilst kissing my forehead, forcing me to look up at him with a contrived smile that barely reached my eyes.

"Of course, it's not like I had any other choice than to do good," I remarked with a bitter taste lingering on the ends of my tongue, making Levi's eyes soften as he reached up to cup my cheeks in his hands while he leaned his forehead against mine.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, stroking my cheeks with his callous fingers "I try to maintain a certain level of respect for your father but I just can't ignore how unnecessarily condescending he can be. You don't deserve any of the words that he throws at you, you do too much yet say so little for you to be spoken to like that."

My shoulders sagged at his words, guilt immediately piercing through me at how callous I've been acting towards him the entire night when he's done nothing more but to be kind and considerate towards me, especially when I need it the most.

He's constantly there to uplift me whenever my father kicks me back down when I'm at my lowest, to offer a supporting hand and a reliable ear whenever I need to vent.

He's always been there even when I least expect it, and yet I just keep finding myself in circumstances where I forgot how much his gestures mean to me.

"Thank you," I said softly, genuinely smiling up at him as I planted a small kiss at the cupid's bow of his lips, making his gaze glint in mirth "You always know what to say."

We eventually bid each other goodbye as Levi hopped into his car and directed a courteous wave at me before he got in, which I returned as I stayed leaning against the doorframe, watching him leave the premises, a heavy ache pervading the vacancy inside my chest, anchoring me down like it usually does whenever I realize how... ungrateful. I am.

How I always reach between empty crevices just to hold onto anything that isn't what I already have, to yearn for things and for people who aren't meant for me, and to stay resenting those who keep coming back.

Maybe it's because Levi's return in my life was just as unpredictable as it was... unwarranted, at the time. But because I was heavily weighed down by isolation and grief, having someone be so willing to relieve my desperation for someone who cares about me was just too strong that I had forced myself to accept whatever the hell was laid down in front of me.

Even if it meant simply just taking advantage of it, I was so consumed by my loneliness that I had no other choice but to resort to the closest thing or person that was nearby.

Like a dark cavern one runs to for shelter during a rainstorm, you choose it because it's there.

So maybe it's because I'm still terrified to see what lies at the other end of the woods knowing the storm still hasn't stopped, and as much as I feel instant remorse over the thought I'm just preserving relationships for the purpose of not being alone...

I can't deny that I still yearn for the possible daylight that will arise somewhere in the distance, knowing deep down where I currently stand is not where I belong.

Or at least, I hope it's not.