Chapter Eleven: Evan

It's been said that you don't really get to move on from events or people that come into your life and that you just learn to find distractions or be indifferent to what you've lost.

I've always hated that notion considering I recognize the truth in it, but I still deny it because I despise even more the thought that my sense of control can be snatched away from me by something or someone I don't wanna give that power to.

Because I want to forget you, but how come you're so persistent in becoming anything else but a memory? As if that's more up to you than it is to me?

I despise having my emotions control me more than I control them. I hate how I have no other choice but to succumb to them because of how easily I can be dissuaded from my rationality.

I feel too much and I know that's eventually going to be my Achilles heel, and it doesn't help that the person evoking those emotions from me is someone that I'm not going to deny knows how to hurt me better than anyone because of how much I've given her the privilege to do so.

Because when you allow someone to know you for who you really are, it requires a level of certainty knowing that they can eventually use that knowledge against you.

Maybe not intentionally, maybe they won't ever do it, but you know that they can, and that is the scariest part when it comes to letting someone into your life.

Knowing they can just as quickly leave the second that they arrive.

I know Maggie didn't do all of this to try and spite me, she's not like that, and I know she didn't leave on her own accord and she was undoubtedly coerced by her father, but life has a funny way of letting the people that we love hurt us with the awareness of our weaknesses as their weapons.

So maybe she didn't do it on purpose, but that doesn't lessen the impact of how she left without as much as a warning and years later, come back with someone I've always felt inferior to, given how Levi just seemed like the kind of person who'd provide everything she needs.

There's not a doubt in my mind that Wayne approves of him, because why wouldn't he? Levi has always had a good track record and is beloved by everyone back in Henderson High, not to mention he was at the top of his class and was the star player of the basketball team.

Why wouldn't Wayne consider someone like him to be a suitable partner for Maggie?

They fit just right.

But the question still stands... Does Maggie even want him? Because she was adamant that the relationship never worked, and if it never worked back then when they dated for nearly two years, how could it miraculously work out now? It just doesn't make any sense.

There's the possibility that they could've resolved their issues, sure, but for some reason that still doesn't convince me that Maggie would willingly go back to him. It just doesn't.

That doesn't mean the thought doesn't infuriate me, and what's worse is I'm letting it bother me this much when I promised myself I wouldn't let it, but I guess that's what happens when you anticipate the green light so much that you step onto the pedals too soon and hit a bump in the road that stops the ride altogether.

Maybe I grew too optimistic thinking that for once, the universe was on my side. It never really is, and I've learned to come to terms with it.

That no matter which step I take or which road I drive on, it'll always lead back to her, and one might say I can just move on and pretend I never even saw her, but I'd be lying if I said it really was that fucking easy. Because it isn't.

I contemplated that even as my classes ended and at this point, I just wanted to go home and drink myself stupid as I would normally do, lock myself in my apartment and dwell on the absolute irony of my life and how it didn't even take long before everything went to shit.

But then realization dawned on me and I remembered I promised to take Alyssa out to eat.

I mentally groaned to myself for making such plans that would only end up being regretted, but a promise is a promise and I don't wanna have to vent my frustration over the inconvenience that has become of my life onto her.

It's not her fault my life is good at being consistently pitiful.

I texted her asking if she's left campus and it didn't take long before she replied back, her earlier enthusiasm when she was texting me during class is still there, although I don't know if I can say it's reciprocated on my behalf, as the earlier craze I've bottled up for NYU had instantaneously simmered down into nothing but a splatter of dismay.

Maybe if I tried talking to Alyssa about her and her day, it'll serve as a good distraction from how mine went to become a total disappointment.

But the events of today kept replaying inside my head even as I drove to the restaurant Alyssa and I agreed to meet at, the brief moment of where I was able to view Maggie's face from afar still etched at the back of my mind like an adhesive that refuses to budge, which is unbearable considering that I vowed to devote all of my time and attention to Alyssa because she was the only girl I planned to pursue while I stay here in New York.

Yet here I am now, on my way to meet up with a girl I was so determined was going to be my new beginning, while I had the face of another pestering my train of thought as if she isn't a ghost from my past I've incessantly tried to get rid of.

But she does anything but, the memories of her running wild like river's water in the stream of my subconscious, still linear and never breaking despite the stones I've put there to try and block her path, but she manages to swim her way around it.

Inescapable as always.

I was out of focus the entire time that the cab driver legitimately had to wave a hand in front of my face to garner my attention, as I hurriedly got out of the car and tried to compose myself before I entered the restaurant, whipping my phone out to text her and ask if she's arrived.

She responded by saying yes, and I stepped into the Italian restaurant that had a refined touch to it, the lights from above illuminating an incandescent yet cozy glow that wasn't too harsh in the eyes, exuding quite a warm ambiance. The walls, on the other hand, were made up of red bricks while the flooring consisted of flat wood that was laminated by light, brown coating.

The booth dividers that barricaded the entrance from the table settings were decorated by what seemed to be artificial bushes with fake red roses, as well as indoor hanging plants that stood steadily above the ceiling, and as I took a closer look, I recognized them to be English Ivys considering my mother purchased something similar for our own kitchen back then.

The restaurant was packed by families and couples, and as I peered inside to search for Alyssa, it didn't take long when a mop of unruly, blonde hair caught my attention, and before I could even get to confirm it was her, almost instinctively, she raised her eyes up and met my own, same vibrant smile stretching over her freckled face as she waved at me.

I tried to smile back just to return the gesture, flattered by her ever-welcoming attitude, but I'd be lying if I said my mood has improved ever since I walked out of campus this afternoon because I'll be honest, it hasn't.

It's still stuck in the mud and I'm hoping, just hoping, once we get down to eating and talking, her presence will somehow alleviate my spirits and make me forget about her.

I approached our table as she stood up and engulfed me in her arms, the smile on her face not faltering as she guided me to my seat "So? How were your classes? Tell me everything!" she exclaimed before signaling a waiter over to take our orders.

I encouraged her to start first, so she began to rave about her day and all the people that she met and befriended, telling me how fun her Journalism class was and how her professor was absolutely delightful.

She told me how beautiful the campus in Columbia University was and how alienated she felt at first because everything seemed so prestigious for a girl like her who was so used to rundown areas and how I could've easily blended in, and how she couldn't believe that she was stepping foot in a University that Barack Obama and Jake Gyllenhaal attended.

I kind of just spaced out when she started talking to me about the technicalities of her course. I tried not to as I genuinely did want to listen, but it was hard especially when my mind drifted back to subject matters I know I shouldn't think about, but it was a lost cause.

My mind inevitably diverted back to the earlier events that unfolded during my Entrepreneurial Class, being somewhat grateful that I only had to endure one class with her as she wasn't present in any of the mandatory ones I had to take.

Plus the lecture hall itself was quite spacious, there were many students in the class with us and if I just tried hard enough, avoiding her throughout my degree would be possible... the four-year degree that I have to finish, specifically.

God, just kill me.

"Hey, are you alright?"

My head snapped up as soon as I heard Alyssa's voice interfere with my train of thought, as I looked up at the notable concern swirling in the depths of her ocean blue eyes.

"You kind of zoned out when I started talking about my course," she chuckled. "Is it that boring?"

Remorse instantly stabbed through me like a dulled knife as I waved my hands around, trying to deny her assumption "No, no, it's not that, trust me. I really wanted to hear about your day and know how your class went but..."

She tilted her head "How did your day go, Evan?"

I gulped, pondering whether I should tell her the truth and to at least have someone to vent my frustrations to, to vent about how the world seems to feel like it's working against me and my wishes and that I feel so extremely, excruciatingly suffocated by everything in my life so far.

I debated, I really did, because she's here and she's willing to listen. Leaning forward and grabbing my hand as she stroked the back of my palm with her thumb.

"Is everything okay?" she reassured as I felt my inhibitions yielding "I'm sorry if I went about my day without asking you about yours first, but just know you can always count on me to confide in. I'm here, Evan."

... I relented. Thinking that it wouldn't feel right to have such a momentous occasion she looked forward to being dampened by my problems. I'd like to assume she wants me to be as comfortable around her presence as much as possible, but I don't think it's right to use her as a scapegoat for all of my problems just because she's lending a sympathetic ear.

She'd say she wouldn't mind, she's like an open book that way, but again I don't think it's right to drop my burden onto her so early in our friendship.

I'll tell her when the time is right but for now, this is an issue I have to deal with on my own.

I simply just shook my head "It's... nothing. My day was just uneventful and I kinda grew homesick because of how I missed having my friends around. It's nothing major and you shouldn't have to worry about talking about your day just to adjust to my mood. I came here because I know listening to you would elevate it."

She blushed at that, her throat visibly gulping as she looked down on the table "O-Oh, well... the offer still stands that if you want to complain about anything, anything at all, I'm here. Always."

I grinned softly at her suggestion, nodding my head as I tightened my grip on her hand "But back to you, you were saying?"

*  *  *

Surprisingly, my regrets eventually became something I ended being thankful for.

By the time Alyssa and I exited the restaurant, I succeeded in forgetting some of my worries that pervaded my mind earlier as I had her presence and chattering to prevent my thoughts from wandering to undesired territories.

The sun had dipped and the sky was bathed in shades of mellow blues and foggy grays, the wind surfacing past us as it blew Alyssa's hair while she smiled up at me.

I looked at the time on my phone to see that it was already 6:00 PM, and we spent our time just chatting about everything and nothing, and I couldn't be any more grateful that she's here.

"So..." she trailed off, beaming "Thank you for the meal. I enjoyed it."

The ends of my lips curved in equal delight as I nodded "Thank you for the company, I enjoyed it just as much. If not more, really."

She bit her bottom lip in between her teeth, the frosty air of the night making her cheeks tinge pink as she proceeded to stare at me in wonder, and I should cherish the way she treats our friendship like it's singlehandedly the most desirable thing she can make use of her time. I wish I could devote so much of my attention to her as she devotes hers to me.

But it wasn't long before the reminder that the day has eventually ended and I'll have no choice but to return to the quiet cavern of my own home and insufferable loneliness.

The loneliness that'll consequently push me to internalize the events that transpired within the day, events that I've tried so hard to push aside and not think about.

After all, you go back to where you've always belonged.

I hailed a cab for her and before she let herself in, Alyssa took one good look at me and said, in almost a whisper "Despite everything that happened, you're still the highlight of my day."

I swallowed thickly at her implication, gripping the door of the cab too tightly as I stepped a little closer towards her that our chests almost touched.

I want to say it's the same with me, that her presence alone had succeeded in soothing all the raging anxiety running rampant in my mind. I so badly wanted to say that despite all the bad that I've endured, the goodness in her had managed to eclipse all of it.

But for some reason, I can't even do that on behalf of appeasing her back "It was nice. We'll keep in touch, yeah?"

It wasn't hard to notice the slight disappointment that bubbled beneath the surface on her face when I couldn't reciprocate her kind words, but she quickly masked it by plastering on yet another wide smile before nodding "Yeah, we will."

With that, I guided the small of her back and led her inside the back of the cab before shutting it close and bidding her one last farewell before it drove off into the streets.

It wasn't soon before I found myself stumbling into the confines of my apartment, wanting to just sleep a huge portion of the day away hoping that maybe by tomorrow, it wouldn't feel as agonizing as it does now.

But as I entered the dark abyss of my room I was instantly attacked by visions of her face during those brief moments where I finally felt like I had her to myself even when we were swamped and separated by the students around us, and how it wasn't until Levi came into the picture is where I felt like she was ripped away from my grasp once more.

So close yet so far very apart.

I just wanted to rest, just wanted to diminish any remnants of today but I wasn't even able to slump lazily onto my bed before my phone's ringing tone cut through the dead silence of my apartment, making me scowl as I reached to go and answer it.

I didn't even bother seeing who it was before I said "What?"

"Woah there," a familiar voice uttered through the other line as I recognized it immediately to be Jasper's "That's not the kind of tone I'd expect from someone who's attended their first day of college. Was the day that rough? Your professor assigned you too much work already?"

The point still stands that I just wanted to rest and quite frankly, I wasn't in the mood to talk. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss Jasper and his usual teasing

I sighed "No, I'm sorry, it's not anything..."

"Serious? I hope not, but I am worried considering you were looking forward to this day yet you sound anything but thrilled about it. What happened? Was your professor a douche or something?" he queried as I gulped at the lump in my throat, clutching my phone quite desperately as I wanted nothing more but to let it all out.

The tension, fear, and hurt brewing inside of me that I can't contain any longer, because the truth is, I know if I tried to sleep this off and pretend that it doesn't matter.

It won't become any less severe the following morning, it's not going to magically vanish and be any less painful, plus I was never one to conceal my emotions. Especially not with Jasper, I couldn't.

"Evan?" he called out softly once more "Is everything-"

"She's here, Jasper." I blurted out, the previous pressure that strangled me finally being untangled, like a gush of unrelenting water breaking free from an already cracking dam.

I felt like I could finally breathe while Jasper, on the other hand, sucked in a breath and sounded like he was about to choke on it "What?"

"She's here," I reiterated "She's here, Jasper. Maggie is here."

It was silent after that, the receiver going completely dead that I assumed maybe he had hung up, not until a dry click of his throat emitted from the other line as he spoke: "Fuck."