Chapter 20 | Regrets

Everything should end at some point, just as the sun set to the east to let the moon dominate the dark skies.

I should be used to these things by now but somehow I still couldn't fully grasp things and accept the changes that happened, not only to myself, but also to the people around me.

I would sometimes question... when did it first occur? Who did it first? But now, while staring at the road through the car's window, I was too tired to ask anymore. I guess there would always be things better left unanswered.

"I honestly didn't expect this massive traffic," Trojan muttered that broke the silence.

I chuckled weakly. "Okay lang, ano ka ba."

"I told you, we should've waited for the fireworks display."

I slightly tilted my head to the right, which leaned to the car's window. "Matatagalan naman tayo kasi mamayang gabi pa 'yon. Pagod na nga ako, e, sa dami ba naman ng ginawa natin buong araw."

"We could stay inside the car and wait for it..." he kept saying.

My eyebrows furrowed. "Ganyan mo ba talaga ka-gustong manood ng fireworks? Ang yaman-yaman niyo, e, puwede nga kayong magpa-fireworks display sa likod ng bahay ninyo."

He lazily drawled, "It's not like that..."

"Oh, e 'di ano?" muli akong bahagyang natawa. Para siyang hirap na hirap sa nais sabihin. Sanay naman na ako sa ganitong ugali ni Trojan, minsan hindi ko alam kung nagpapapilit lang ba siya o sadyang nahihiyang magsalita.

"I just... wished to spend more time with you."

Parang tanga.

I purposely hid my face behind the strands of my hair so he wouldn't see my reaction. I hardly forced my lips not to curve upward to reveal my idiotic smile.

I hated how he could still easily affect me despite the distance I intentionally created between us. I hated myself for reacting unconsciously even after all the things he had done that hurt me.

"Masyado ka namang natuwa kasama ako," I tried to joke, "baka hanap-hanapin mo na naman ako."

"Well... I'll do my best not to."

Ano ba 'yan? Bakit ganyan ang mga linyahan ng lalaking 'to? Feeling ba niya mawawala na ako sa mundo o vice versa, siya ba ang mawawala? Pasimple kong siyang sinulyapan, naabutan ko siyang malayo ang tingin at tila malalim ang iniisip.

He looked troubled. I silently hoped he wasn't thinking of me in that pained manner. Sure, I liked him but I couldn't stand seeing him in this state. I didn't want to hurt him... I didn't want my affection to hurt him.

"What are you thinking?" I initiated.

His eyes blinked several times as he asked, "Huh?"

"Ang lalim ng iniisip mo, share mo naman... pero kung ayaw mo, e 'di don't."

As the never-ending line of vehicles moved slowly, he softly maneuvered the car. My eyes stayed fixed on him. The red lights from the cars in front of us highlighted a section of his face, which added to his menacing image.

I wouldn't call myself a mind reader, but in Trojan's case, I could quickly tell if something was dreadfully problematic by looking at him.

I wasn't sure if he was aware of how he appeared, but the depth of his thoughts was painfully evident, and it was difficult not to recognize.

"Maybe I'm just overwhelmed," he whispered, enough for me to hear.

I nodded. I could relate to that because I've experienced it multiple times already... like when I met Jijinia again and felt unwanted. It was overwhelming to the point that I felt lost for quite some time.

"Like damn, is this really happening?" he chuckled, "so many things happened in the past months and it seemed that time was in a rush to take every precious moment from us."

He exhaled and slightly turned around, just enough for me to get a full view of his portrait. He forced a smile, "That's why I wish I can spend the remaining hours with you."

He went back to his previous position and focused his eyes on the road again as he stated, "If time will steal my treasured moments, I want it to be satisfied with the moments I've made with others."

I never thought of Trojan as someone so... deep. I only viewed him before as a moody charismatic teenage guy who fancied girls and nothing more beyond that. He kept surprising me every time we would be together regardless if we only met a couple of times.

I cherished every discovery he showed me and I'd like to know more about him. I'd love to spend another day with him, doing things we'd both find interesting... yet seeing him so distressed and confused saddened me.

My mind started to go back to the first night I met him. I was nothing but a kid who had a crush on him like how a normal girl of my age would do.

It was probably my emotions which led me to do unexpected things such as pranking my best friend and ending up living with the pitiful lie I prolonged.

I once or maybe twice felt jealous of other girls who Trojan liked and even lowered myself just for him. The biggest step I did was transferring to the same school he was studying in.

I experienced a heart wrenching pain after I officially heard him say he didn't like me. Now... I decided to keep myself away from him, but he unexpectedly came on his own to me.

"Oh, you're phone," I informed him when I noticed the screen of his phone lightened, "someone's calling."

"Hayaan mo 'yan. They are just probably looking for me," he hissed.

"Sagutin mo na, buong araw ka ring wala kaya natural lang silang maging worried," I encouraged him.

We were still stuck in the traffic jam so this was a good opportunity for him to speak with the person calling. I felt that he really had no intentions to answer the call so I initiated.

I picked up his phone and shamelessly answered the call. I put it on a loud speaker so that he could hear the other line.

"What are you—"

"Trojan!" It was Pirad sounding irritated.

Trojan's brows almost met when he annoyingly asked me, "Why did you answer it?"

"Hey! Don't ignore me!" Pirad didn't let me respond, I had no plans to answer Trojan anyway.

Buong araw kaming wala at hindi pa siya nagpalaam. Tapos na ang usapan naming magpakasaya kaya kailangan na naming harapin ngayon ang mga bagay na pansamantalang iniwan.

Hindi naman biglang mawawala ang mga problema mo kung tatakbuhan mo lang ang mga ito. Marahil gusto nga lamang ni Trojan magpahinga at lumayo saglit ngunit dapat alam niya rin kung kailan na niyang bumalik sa reyalidad.

"Damn it, where are you? I can't believe you dared to escape from your guards! I mean, I know you're an asshole but this is different!" Pirad ranted like a mad wife waiting for his husband.

"God, chill—"

"Huwag mo nga akong ma-chill-chill diyan. Pumunta ka raw sa bahay ninyo sabi ni tito ngayon na. Huwag ka ng umimbento ng rason dahil hindi kita mapagtatakpan ngayon—"

"Well, for your information, I'm in the middle of a traffic jam and I'm currently with Mikasha—"

"Putangina?"

"Yeah... hi, Pirad!" bati ko upang marinig niya ako.

Saglit siyang natahimik ngunit agad ding nakabawi, "Anong trip ninyo? Magtanan?"

"Hoy, hindi naman!" I even had the audacity to laugh, "it's all Trojan's idea."

"Dapat talaga hindi tino-tolerate ideas niyang ni Trojan," Pirad continued, "I understand that you need to get Mikasha home first but your father is persistent! He's close to his limits, Trojan. I'm sure you don't want him to go mad."

What Pirad said sent a disturbing chills all over my body. Gano'n ba talaga katakot parents ni Trojan?

I get that they were part of the elite and they probably had strict rules to follow... but I couldn't imagine them being so harsh on their own children.

I heard Trojan sighed as if he was tired of everything.

"I'll only come over but I won't stay. I need to get Mikasha back—"

"Pwede naman akong mag-commute," I suggested.

"Or I can also drive her home when you guys arrive in front of your house," Pirad recommended after, which was more convenient.

"Oh, if it's okay with you though, Pirad," I said.

"Yeah, sure lang! My only problem is Trojan anyway."

We both waited for Trojan to say something but he seemed to be in his own world.

"Trojan!" tawag muli ni Pirad, "gano'n na ang gawin natin, ha?"

"Whatever," Trojan replied, irritated.

I initiated to speak, "Sige na, Pirad. Abangan mo na lang kami riyan. Bye!"

"Bye and thank you rin, Mika!"

I immediately ended the call and placed his phone back where it was earlier.

"Just to clarify, this wasn't part of my plan," Trojan told me, which confused me a bit.

"Ang alin?"

"Ito, 'yong ipapatawag ako sa amin tapos kasama kita. Baka isipin mong ginagamit na naman kita bilang excuse..."

Oh, that.

"Don't worry, hindi ko nga naisip ang ganyan... and I understand where your parents are coming from. You've been unreachable the whole day, it's normal for them to look for you—"

"Is there any way to disappear for a while?"

"Huh?" I absentmindedly reacted.

What he said was so out of his character! I couldn't find the right words to say after. I'd been dealing with my problems alone most of the time and although my mother was there for me, I couldn't tell her everything inside my head.

I'd been fine coping with myself alone... so I wasn't used to being a comfort to others.

"Nothing," he said dismissively.

I wanted to encourage him to say more or to share his thoughts with me, but my lips remained closed together. I stared at him longer than usual, which I knew was a bit creepy, but this was the only way I could somehow understand him.

I wanted to be the person he could find comfort in, but in our situation, I realized I couldn't be that person. When he talked about his feelings for me, he always had this confused expression on his face, which never made me pleased. I didn't want him to suffer as a result of his conflicted feelings towards me.

I'd rather be disregarded than be the source of his pain.

Maganda sana itong oportunidad upang mag-usap kami ngunit lumipas na lamang ang halos isang oras ng walang kumibo sa aming dalawa.

Hindi ako dinaluyan ng antok dahil kanina ko pa iniisip kung ano ang pwedeng sabihin kay Trojan para tuluyang masabi at ipaalam ang aking naging pasya.

"Trojan," I called him after I collected strength.

"Hmm?"

My eyes remained staring in front. "Naalala mo ba 'yong sinabi ko sa 'yo noon? Na lumayo ka na lang kung hindi ka rin naman sigurado sa..." I couldn't finish my sentence, especially when I felt him speeding up.

"Yeah, I remember that," he coldly replied, "why are you bringing it up again?"

"Can you drive slower? Baka maaksidente tayo," pakiusap ko sa kanya na tila hindi niya naintindihan.

"This is fine."

My eyes widened, I turned to him but I saw him calmly driving. That was supposed to reassure me?

I continued speaking despite my worries, "Naisip ko lang... don't you think it's the best for the both of us if we don't meet again?"

"Bakit mo naman naisip 'yan?"

"Kasi... tingin ko magandang ideya 'to para sa ating dalawa. Look, we're coming of age and things aren't like before. I am busy with myself and you have other important things to prioritize first. Don't you think it's time to part ways?"

"I still don't get why we have to part ways. We can be busy with our lives and still meet, right?" he fired back.

Pero nahihirapan ka lalo na tuwing iniisip ako, 'di ba?

"Why do you insist on that anyway? It's not like we're really close to each other. Why do you want me to stay? So that you can have someone to call whenever you want to escape? I'm sorry, Trojan, but I can't be that person."

"But I want it to be you—"

"Hindi mo pa rin ba gets?" I irritably asked, "I don't like you anymore," I lied.

Naghari na naman ang katahimikan.

"Ah... I see..." he drawled after a couple of minutes, "so you want me gone?"

"Yes."

Hindi ko na kaya, sana hindi na siya muling magtanong dahil nasasaktan na ako sa mga kasinungalingan ko. Wala namang ibang paraan para lumayo na siya sa akin kung hindi ito.

Pagod na ako.

Hindi ko rin inakalang dadating ang araw na kakayanin kong sabihin iyon sa kanya kahit bilang palusot lang.

This was fine, we'd be okay again soon... especially him. Trojan never had any special feelings toward me so he'd recover quicker than me.

He wouldn't have a hard time creating distance since it had been like this since the beginning. We were never on the same page. We never sailed the same boat.

"Whatever, do what you want. You want me gone? Fine, I'll do my best not to bother you anymore. I think you're right, we're not good for each other. Maybe we are just meant to be like this and nothing more. If you really want to cut me off from your life starting tonight, then do as you please."

I nodded once. He sounded tired and frustrated, but it was easier for him to let go because he never had any attachments to me. This was the real world that most people couldn't endure so they tend to create their own imaginary realm inside their heads. I couldn't stay in that made-up universe any longer; I wanted to take a step ahead, even if it meant doing it alone.

I was more than a lovesick high school girl. I was more than being someone's option.

Hindi na kami muling nagsalita matapos ang huli niyang sinabi. Ramdam kong pareho kaming tensyonado at malalim ang iniisip ngunit wala sa aming nagbalak na putulin ang katahimikan upang pag-usapan ang anomang bumabagabag sa isipan.

Pareho kaming napapalibutan ng matataas na pader at wala sa amin ang gustong unang magpakita ng tunay na intensyon. Siguro nga ay hindi kami para sa isa't isa dahil dito pa lang ay hindi na namin kayang magtiwala.

Ganito rin ang naramdaman ko noong araw na tinanggap ko ng hindi na kami magkaibigan ni Jijinia gaya ng dati ngunit sa tingin ko ay mas mabigat lamang ng konti ngayon dahil si Trojan lang naman ang pakakawalan ko ngayon.

Kung ako lang din naman ang papipiliin ay ayaw ko pero nakakatakot dahil tila ba hindi siya sigurado kung gusto niya na ba ako o hindi. Mas mabuti nang iwasan niya na lang mahulog at mas mabuti na rin sa aking kalimutan siya kahit pa napipilitan.

True to what Pirad said, he waited for our arrival in front of Trojan's house. I wasn't able to take a peek of the entire house because Trojan parked his car on the darkest spot so no one would notice him coming out.

Hindi na rin ako lumabas sa sasakyan dahil noong lumabas si Trojan ay mabilis namang pumalit sa driver's seat si Pirad.

Sinundan ko ng tingin si Trojan na ngayon ay naglalakad na patungo sa main gate ng kanilang mansyon.

Hindi man lang siya lumingon o nagpaalam.

"What's up?" Pirad asked me as he maneuvered the car.

"Wala naman."

"Really?" he sarcastically said, but I was in no mood to keep up with his energy.

Mukhang gising na gising pa rin si Pirad sa ganitong oras at kahit pa matagal na naghintay sa pagdating ni Trojan dahil may gana pa siyang makichismis sa akin.

I knew he wasn't a naturally talkative person, but he tried his best to make me feel comfortable during the ride.

"So what happened? Nag-away kayo ni Trojan?" he asked after I summarized to him everything we'd done earlier.

Pagod akong napairap. "Hindi kami nag-away..."

"Then what is it? Hindi ako naniniwalang wala lang 'yan. I'm used to seeing girls cry over Trojan. Obviously, you're not crying, but you look extremely hurt. Nag-aalala lang ako dahil sa dami ng mga napaiyak ng gagong 'yon, parang ikaw ang pinakamalala."

"Grabe, gano'n ba talaga ako ka-broken sa paningin ng iba?" I asked him, worried that I might really show off such vibes.

I didn't want to look defeated or weak in front of others and I thought I was doing it well not until Pirad pointed this out.

"Madali ko lang napansin, Mika, kasi kilala ko si Trojan at magkasama kayo. It's easy to conclude something out of your stories, so I thought something might have happened to the both of you."

My lips remained parted as I listened to him explain. Alam kong matagal na silang magkaibigan ni Trojan kaya naman pati ang pamilya niya ay kilala at pinagkakatiwalaan siya.

Napaisip tuloy ako kung paano niya nagawang manatili bilang kaibigan ni Trojan kahit pa sobrang ma-attitude at moody ang isang 'yon.

"I just told him we should part ways."

Pirad was unable to react immediately after hearing that from me. I didn't have to directly say I liked his friend because I bet he already knew.

"Bakit?" he asked after a few seconds.

I shrugged as I replied, "It's the best for the both of us."

"Wow naman," he had the audacity to chuckle, "grabe namang drama 'to, partida hindi pa kayo niyan, ha?"

"Ano ba?" iritado kong saad, "e sa ganito kami. Hindi mo na kailangang ipamukha pa."

I watched how he swayed his head with a smirk plastered on his face. It was dark, but the light coming from different vehicles in front of us was enough to get a glimpse of his reactions.

Pirad was unquestionably good looking, and he was inches taller than Trojan. If I didn't meet Trojan first, I would probably have a crush on him.

He also seemed uninterested to anyone because I hadn't heard any rumors about him during my year on Syru.

Kumpara kay Trojan, mas low key siya at parang mas matured kumilos. Sadyang mapang-asar lang at mahilig mambara, siguro ay nakuha niya lang din ang ugaling 'yan mula sa magaling niyang best friend.

"You fell hard, didn't you?" he sounded hesitant but proceeded to ask me such a controversial question! He quickly glanced at me to seek any reactions but I was left speechless.

"Well, you don't have to answer, alam ko naman na. You obviously fell in love with my great friend, and since he couldn't reciprocate your feelings, you decided to cut him off from your life to easily forget him."

"It's not just that..." I trailed off. He paused to listen to what I had to say. "Inamin niyang naguguluhan siya sa nararamdaman niya para sa akin. He looked so conflicted so I thought prolonging this would only hurt him more. Ayaw kong makita siyang gulong gulo dahil sa akin. Kasi kung sigurado siyang gusto niya na rin ako, hindi na dapat ganito kahirap para umamin siya, 'di ba?"

I couldn't clearly see Pirad's face but I heard him sigh deeply.

"Sabagay, you have a point. Trojan tends to give mixed signals to anyone, but it's not like he intentionally does that. Tingin ko nahihirapan lang talaga ang gagong iyon magdesisyon dahil bukod sa pamilya niyang hadlang sa buhay niya, hindi rin siya sigurado sa sarili. If he is truly developing feelings for you, then he must be in a tough spot right now..."

Napatingin na lamang ako muli sa aming daan at napagtantong malapit na kami ni Pirad sa bahay ko. Hindi na lamang ako muling nagsalita lalo na't parang bitin ang sinabi ni Pirad.

"But it will be fine, mukhang madali lang naman kay Trojan ang kalimutan ako. Bukod sa hindi niya naman talaga ako gusto noon, hindi rin kami close sa isa't isa. Saka marami namang ibang babaeng naghihintay sa kanya, nandiyan din kayong mga kaibigan niya para malibang siya..."

Habang ako, susubukan kong maging okay ng mag-isa. Nandiyan naman si mama pero ayaw ko na sanang ipaalam pa sa kanya ito dahil gusto ko na lang sarilihin.

"You think so?" Pirad questioned me, "I hope it's as easy as you think. I can't handle his mood swings every day, you know? He's so hard to decode, kahit akong matagal na siyang kaibigan ay hindi ko lubos maintindihan ang pag-iisip no'n."

"He's that complicated?" I chuckled.

Here I thought I was the only one struggling to understand Trojan, siya rin pala at ang ibang mga tao.

"He doesn't like to communicate with others and he isn't expressive either."

"Agree... tapos we're kinda similar in that aspect kaya hindi talaga kami nababagay," natatawa kong sabi.

"Trojan will have a hard time pleasing his future wife, especially now that his parents are starting to search for different suitable girls from rich families..."

Ano raw?

My head quickly turned to face Pirad, but he remained calm as if what he said was nothing.

"Surprise?" He tried to joke but I was too stunned to speak.

"Hindi mo pala alam? The reason why he's in trouble right now and why he ran away is because of that. He's being pressured to date the candidates picked by his parents and grandparents. Kung sinoman ang mapili nila sa mga babaeng iyon ay ang ikakasal sa kanya—"

"Hindi ko alam na uso pa pala ang ganyan sa pamilya nila?" napataas ang tono ng aking boses sa pagtanong.

"Well, unfortunately, they're trying to maintain that shitty tradition by forcing it to the current generation. Dito na ba ang inyo?"

Saka lang bumalik ang aking tingin sa daan noong nagtanong si Pirad. Umo-o na lang ako ng nakita ang sign ng aming subdivision, nag-iwan naman ng valid ID si Pirad sa guard house dahil kailangan iyon.

"So now, I think what you did was just right. I hope you won't ever regret it," Pirad whispered to the air.

Bumagsak na ng tuluyan ang aking mga balikat at nawalan na ng gana sa lahat. Hindi ko matanggap ang nalaman mula kay Pirad, ni hindi man lang 'to binanggit sa akin ni Trojan.

Kung nalaman ko man galing sa kanya, sana pala sinulit ko na rin ang araw na 'to kasama siya.

Sana pala—ayan na naman, nagsisimula na ang puro "sana" ko... but how could we possibly not regret a single thing, especially if we know deep down in ourselves that we could've done better?

"Pirad... pwede bang... pakisabi kay Trojan na—"

Mabilis pinutol ni Pirad ang aking naguguluhang pagsasalita, "I thought you two are already done? What's with the sudden change of heart, Mika? Are you doubting? Or are you having regrets now?"

Every question he threw at me cut deep like knives. To be completely honest, I wasn't sure what I was about to say, but it was no doubt something stupid.

"Nevermind," tipid kong sabi.

Tinuro ko ang aming bahay na agad nakita ni Pirad.

"You know I've been observing you the whole time and I can tell you're hesitating, Mika."

"Ngayon lang 'to dahil sabay-sabay na umaagos ang iba't ibang mga emosyon sa akin, pero ayos lang, matatapos din 'to. After all, everything should end at some point." Kasabay ng aking sinabi ay ang pagtigil ng sasakyan sa harap ng aming tahanan.