Chapter 2 | Delete

"Talaga? Wow," mangha kong sabi sa lalaking aking katabi na si Jezrel.

"Oo, madami pa akong drafts sa bahay, ito lang ang madalas kong dalhing sketchpad dahil nandito ang mga latest ideas ko," he shared.

"Naks, artistic naman pala... akala ko puro pangsi-sipsip lang ang kaya mo," I laughed.

"Grabe, ayan talaga ang unang impression mo sa akin, 'no?" he chuckled.

"Oo kasi galing ka sa highest section na naligaw sa amin, I mean, mataas din naman kaming section pero iba ang dating sa inyo, 'lam mo 'yon? And funny to think that you have a crush on me since grade seven, ngayon lang gumalaw, ano na?" I teased.

He closed his pad and turned his full attention on me, "Malamang, bata pa tayo noong grade seven... malay ko bang tatagal?"

"Bata pa rin naman tayo ngayon," I pointed out.

"Oo pero mas nag-mature naman ang pag-iisip, don't you think?" he asked me.

I nodded once and stated, "Right... you know, out of all my manliligaw, ikaw ang masasabi kong pinaka-matalino sa lahat."

"At sana ang unang masagot, biro lang," he laughed.

I smirked at his remark, "Tingnan natin kung masasagot."

"Hindi naman ako nagmamadali saka if ever you'll reject me, maiintindihan ko naman," he told me.

"Talaga, ha? Kapag talagang nagwala ka sa oras na binasted kita, makikita mo, sige," I warned him.

"Kung mab-basted," he joked.

"Wow, ang yabang," I mocked.

"Mika," tawag sa akin ni Jijinia nang siya'y nakalapit, "akyat na raw," she informed us.

"Sige, susunod na kami," I told her and stood up, "tapon ko lang 'tong bottle ko, Jez."

"Sure, hintayin kita," he said.

My eyes detected the nearest green garbage container that was only for water bottles. I walked quickly toward it and threw my water bottle inside. I immediately went back to Jezrel after and his hand smoothly slid around my waist.

"Gago, baka mahuli tayo ng officers, ma-guidance pa," I chuckled.

"Oo nga pala, sorry," he laughed as well.

As what we talked about earlier, Jezrel came from the highest section that got into our section for this school year. I didn't like him at first because the teachers seemed to favor him just because he came from the upper class... but thankfully, it was only like that in the beginning.

Anyway, we were now in our nineth grade and competition within the class was so immature. Basta mag-aral at matuto, ayos na.

I found out that Jezrel had a crush on me since grade seven when we played truth or dare for the first time. I actually had no plan to entertain boys because I found them all similar to one another-wala ng thrill. It happened that Jezrel amazed me with his skills kaya napatulan ko na rin.

Since the day he started courting, everything seemed fine. No issues and no conflicts, para pa nga kaming magkaibigan dahil komportable sa isa't isa.

"Seryoso ka na ba kay Jezrel, Mika?" Jijinia whispered to me as I sat down beside me.

"Paanong seryoso?" I questioned.

Na-intriga naman ako sa tanong nito, akala mo showbiz.

"You know, 'yong magtatagal sa 'yo," she said, which made me laugh.

"Tawa ka? Palibhasa alam mo talagang walang nagtatagal sa 'yo," she scorned.

"Grabe ka naman, kaibigan ba kita? Kasalanan ko bang nagbabago ang pananaw ko sa mga nanliligaw sa akin? Lalo na 'yong huli ko bago si Jezrel, sa una lang pala chill pero nang tumagal... akala mo kung sinong magulang ko kung makapagbawal sa akin," I pointed out.

"It's actually cute, Mika! He's trying to tell you lang na dress properly-"

"No, no," I even lifted and moved my point finger to disagree, "no one's allowed to tell you what to wear, okay? Unless if na sa isang event ka at required na may susuotion, okay lang... and honestly, I don't find possessive boys attractive. Super turn off," I added.

"Hindi ako aso para sumunod-sunod sa gusto nila. Sila 'tong nanggulo sa buhay ko kaya sila ang mag-adjust... saka isa pa, rejecting someone is better than giving them hope. Kung naging kami rin ng isa sa mga dating manliligaw ko, for sure hindi rin siya sasaya sa akin," I asserted.

"Pailalim ka kung maglaro, Mika," she joked, "but fine, that's okay... kung ako rin naman kasi ang maa-arrange marriage, susulitin ko na ang buhay ko bago makasal," she commented.

And yes, a year had passed since I did that awful prank. Hindi na ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataong linawin iyon kay Jijinia. Ilang beses pa niya akong kinulit pagkatapos ng araw na iyon at lagi akong kinaka-usap kesyo baka raw malungkot ako o ano dahil hindi raw biro ang aking pinagdadaanan.

I got pissed, alright, so I told her that I didn't want to talk about it anymore and ordered her to forget about it.

"Umay naman 'yang new topic mo," I hissed.

"What? Sorry, didn't mean to mention it... just crossed my mind. Alam kong ayaw mong pag-usapan iyon pero napapa-isip din ako kung nagkita na ba kayo?" Jijinia asked me.

"Noong summer, isang beses lang," I lied, I didn't even meet anyone back in summer.

"Hindi mo trip?" she asked me.

"Oo, hindi ko feel... saka may tsansa ring hindi na 'yon matuloy," palusot ko, "naghahanap pa yata ng iba ang parents niya. I don't seem to impress them that much so..."

"Oh, okay," she reacted, "if they find someone new, then that's a good news for you."

I only nodded and didn't say anything anymore. If I were going to ask myself, did I feel guilty toward the prank I created? At first, yes and until now, yes.

I couldn't figure out why it seemed to be hard for me to tell the truth... takot akong maputol ang aming pagkakaibigan at takot din akong magalit siya sa akin ng tuluyan.

I could break anyone's heart if I wanted but I couldn't let Jijinia slip away. The friendship we created was rare to find and wasting it would be my biggest regret.

Sinalubong ko si mama nang siya'y maagang naka-uwi ngayong gabi. Tapos ko na ring gawin ang aking mga takdang aralin kaya't may malayang oras ako upang maka-usap si mama.

"Wow! Inasal!" tili ko nang nakita ang dalang pasalubong ng aking ina.

"Siyempre naman! Tumaas ang sahod ko kay ma'am Olivia kaya kahit araw-arawin ko pang bumili ng pasalubong, kayang kaya!" she told me.

"Sige, ma, akin na... ihahanda ko na ang hapag," I said to my mother, she handed me the foods afterward.

"Magbibihis lang ako, Mika, hintayin mo na ako," she informed me.

"Okay, bilisan mo, ma! Takam na takam na ako rito," I laughed.

Mabilis kong naayos ang mga pinggan, kubyertos at baso sa aming lamesa. Hindi talaga kumukupas ang saya tuwing may nai-uuwi si mama'ng pasalubong at sabay kaming kakain.

Hindi biro ang aming mga pinagdaan bago nakamit ang mapayapang buhay na ito... the past was too dark to even look back at.

I wasn't proud of it and at the same time, I didn't want to be a slave of it... iyong tipong hindi ako maka-uusad sa buhay dahil lamang sa kaputahang nangyari sa amin noon.

Kay mama ko rin natutunan ang maging matatag at palaban sapagkat sa buhay na ito, gaano man karami ang na sa paligid mo... sarili mo pa rin ang tutulong sa 'yo sa dulo.

Help yourself to stand, don't wait for someone else's hand.

"Ang bait talaga ni ma'am Olivia," komento ko nang ibahagi sa akin ni mama kung bakit ang kanyang sahod ay tumaas.

"Oo saka alam mo bang gusto ka niya muling makita... busy lang talaga kaya hindi kita madala roon o siya ang makabisita rito," she told me.

Really, huh?

"Grabe, ma, feeling ko sobrang ganda ko naman," I laughed, "ma'am Olivia isn't easy to please and she literally screams the word sophisticated... getting a compliment and that attention from her is mind blowing!"

"She sees the young her daw kasi sa 'yo... you know, palaban din si ma'am kaya siguro natutuwa sa 'yo," mom orated.

"By the way, ma... I know this is so random but... do we have the budget if I go into Syru University?" pag-iba ko sa topic.

"Bakit? May balak kang lumipat?"

"M-Mayro'n, sana..." I trailed off.

Mom lifted a brow and asked, "Why? May problema ba sa school ngayon?"

"Wala naman, ma... gusto ko lang sanang... mag-explore pa. Nagsasawa na kasi ako sa turo sa school. I think I can improve in other schools pa," I answered.

"Okay lang naman sa aking lumipat ka, Mika... saka maganda nga sa Syru dahil mas malaki ang paaralan... pero hindi ba't sumubok ka na for grade nine roon?" mom mentioned it.

Oo, sinubukan ko noong kumuha ng entrance exam sa Syru... hindi planado ang desisyong iyon at naisip ko lamang gawin upang subukan at tingnan kung kaya ko bang makapasa.

"I wasn't prepared that time, ma," I chuckled, "saka 'yong mga tanungan nila sa test ay napaka-shocking... alog ang utak ko," I laughed.

"Ayan, sige... subukan mo muli for grade ten at kung pasado ka ay sige, roon ka na mag-aral," she told me.

"Yes! Okay, sige, ma! Ngayon pa lang magr-review na ako kahit December pa ang unang entrance exam," I jeered.

Ngayon, bukod sa sinabi kong rason kay mama... nais ko ring lumipat upang hindi na ako kulitin pa ni Jijinia sa walang kuwentang prank ko.

I know my decision was selfish, I wanted to leave my best friend behind... but I think this was the only way to finally forget my mistake.

I prepared for the entrance exam more than our actual quarterly tests. Jijinia and Jezrel didn't know about it, I rather not tell.

"Ano, Mika? Sasama ka ba sa swimming natin after Christmas party?" Jezrel asked me for the nth time... and yes, manliligaw ko pa rin.

Mabuti nga't hindi pa 'to nauumay sa sobrang tagal kong sumagot. Wala rin naman akong ibang lalaking ini-entertain kaya't tiwala siya sa aking walang iba. I liked his persistency on pursuing me... but it didn't convince me yet to finally say the magic word: yes.

"Hindi nga ako pupuntang Christmas party, e," I told him.

"Huh?" sabay pa sila ni Jijinia.

"May gagawin ako sa mismong araw ng party," which was to review, "at sa swimming naman, may gagawin din."

"Importante ba talaga 'yan?" Jezrel sounded upset.

"Yeah... my mother wanted me to take the entrance exam for Syru-" pagsisinungaling ko.

"What? Lilipat ka?" Jijinia reacted.

"Ano ka ba, hindi pa nga pumapasa, e," I chuckled.

"Paano kung pumasa ka?" Jezrel asked me.

"I'll leave the decision to my mother..." palusot ko na lamang.

"W-Well then... I can't control that one... good luck sa papalapit na entrance exam, Mika," Jezrel tried to sound positive.

"Thank you, don't worry, hindi naman ako hahanap ng iba hangga't nanliligaw ka pa," I laughed.

The day of our Christmas party, I studied the half hours of the day and decided to rest when afternoon came. Mag-isa lamang ako sa bahay dahil na sa trabaho si mama, hindi naman iyon issue sa akin sapagkat kayang kaya kong mag-isa.

I cooked my all time favorite pancit canton while memorizing the important details in the field of biology. Parang tanga pa nga at napakalakas ng aking pag-recite na tila ba nagtuturo na sa klase.

Then I recited dates from history because this was literally my weakness, I couldn't even remember Jijinia's birthday.

"Masarap pa rin kahit stressed ang nagluto," I complimented myself as my tongue tasted the pancit canton.

I decided to eat my food at our living room, mas comfortable kasi ang couch kaysa sa chairs ng dining room. I opened the air conditioner which we infrequently use. I was enjoying my afternoon when I took my phone from the table and tried to scroll my feed.

Hapon na kaya for sure, tapos na ang party. My classmates' posts were all the same and they even sent pictures on our group chat. I was chuckling as I scan the images, there were videos as well when they played the prepared games. Overall, everyone seemed to enjoy the party.

I clicked the commonly used blue application to scan once again my news feed. Halos lahat ay patungkol sa naganap na Christmas party, tila ba pinapamukha talaga sa aking isa itong kawalan.

I unconsciously grabbed my glass of water and while drinking, sumaktong may image akong nakitang naging sanhi ng aking pagkagulat.

"What the fuck?" I yelled.

It was a photo and Trojan Zorron got tagged in it because obviously, he was in it! He was with a chubby yet pretty girl and the way his right arm hugged the girl's waist almost made me spit out the water I was drinking.

The girl wasn't his cousin, I could tell! Siguro'y nobya niya? Iyon lamang ang nakikita kong valid reason sapagkat ang caption din ng nag-post, which I figured out was the girl, ay "With the best man of my life."

Like what the fuck, girl? I was also into Trojan but I never considered him as the best man of my life-I mean, that was too cheesy! Nagkagusto rin ako sa ibang lalaki ngunit hindi ko sila binigyang turing ng ganyan kataas.

I clicked the girl's profile at napagtantong iyon lamang ang photo na naka-public sa kanyang account. She was indeed pretty and that got me thinking... about Trojan's type.

Wala ako sa posisyong husgahan ang tipo ni Trojan ngunit hindi ko maiwasang manlait.

Pagkatapos kong tingnan ang profile ng babae ay lumipat ako sa account ni Trojan and sadly, his account wasn't updated-as in walang bago. I tried checking his other accounts but all of them were private.

Okay, Mikasha, calm down. Why was I even alerted toward it? It wasn't as if they'd be together forever. Alam kong pangit ang humiling na sana'y mag-break sila pero sana lang naman-kung matutupad man ay salamat at kung hindi, hindi ako papayag.

"Charot lang," tawa ko dahil kung ano-ano na ang aking mga sinasabi sa aking isipan.

"Bwisit, Mikasha, bakit ka ba sa kanila nagf-focus? Ipasa mo muna ang entrance exam saka na ang pagdadasal na sana'y mag-break sila," kausap ko sa aking sarili.

"Mas maganda tayo, ha, mas maganda tayo," I cheered myself.

"Ah, putangina mo, Trojan Zorron. Bakit ka ba kasi ganyan? Jusko, ilang taon na ba kitang gusto, dalawa na rin? Kung tutuusin, mas okay pa si Jezrel sa 'yo at mas kilala ko... pero bakit?" I frustratingly asked out of the blue.

Wala sa sarili kong pinindot muli ang Instagram at pumunta sa account ni Trojan. I was using my real account and it was in public, siyempre, in case na gusto niya akong i-stalk ay hindi na siya mahihirapan pa.

I let my thumb click the message button and suddenly, I was already typing the sentence I'd been wanting to say toward Trojan.

Maybe the reason why I couldn't get over him was because I couldn't let it out-I had no one to talk to about this and for almost two years I'd been keeping this feeling for myself.

I typed the silliest thought inside me.

mikachu.duran:
Hoy pogi, gusto kita.

Napahalakhak na lamang ako sa aking ni-type, gusto kong i-send ngunit may parte sa aking natatakot ding mabuking. We weren't even close to joke things like this, he'd find me creepy for sure.

I was about to delete my message when I noticed it got lost in the type box.

"Fuck! Tangina, ang bobo ko!" I screamed, "shit, shit, shit!"

Hindi ko nga naramdamang na-send kaya paano? Damn it! Nakatayo na ako sa sobrang kaba, hindi alam ang gagawin.

I even tried searching in the internet on how to fucking delete your message on Instagram. May option namang sinabi ngunit nang sinubukan ko na sa aking app ay walang lumabas!

"Okay, Mikasha, kalma! Hindi ninyo naman fino-follow ang isa't isa kaya for sure, hindi niya 'yan mapapansin. Isa pa, he's not into social media, he doesn't check often, right! Right!" I convinced myself.

I closed my eyes and let myself fall into the couch. It seemed like my body was too drained to even wash my plate. Sabi ko na nga ba, dapat nag-review na lang ako buong araw.