Chapter 14 | One

Everyone was anticipating the prom so bad to the point that I almost didn't see it coming this Saturday. Parang kahapon lang noong binigla ni Trojan ang lahat dahil sa lahat ng babae, ako ang pinili niyang yayain.

I overheard his friends saying he was considering not to come kaya hindi na ako masyadong nag-expect... sabay ganito pala ang mangyayari.

I couldn't directly tell how I feel about this, maybe because I was still stunned now that a part of my dream literally happened.

It was as if I was riding a canoe in a broad calm river as my eyes admired the shining emerald trees all around me. I'd be in my best dress as he watched me radiant under the rays of sunlight.

The feeling of being with Trojan could just take me into another world where no one was allowed to disturb us.

I stood up when my eyes caught Reon entering the court, she was wandering her eyes around to look for me. I was currently inside the school's covered court where the ballroom dance practice was being held on.

We've been practicing for four consecutive days already and today would be the last. Hindi nga lang kasama si Reon sa dance dahil wala siyang ka-partner at kahit may mga sumubok na yayain siya'y hindi siya pumayag.

Nang napansin niya akong papalapit na ay saka siya naglakad patungo sa akin. She wore the usual Syru uniform and she probably just came from the cafeteria because she had snacks in her hands.

"How are you with your prince charming?" tukso niya.

I chuckled, "First of all, he's not a prince charming. I mean he's charming but, you know, not the kind like in fairy tales."

"Sure ka ba? Para ka kayang laging na sa ibang mundo tuwing kasama mo siya," Reon teased more.

"Sinusulit ko lang ang chance, aba," I said defensively, "why are you here anyway?"

Reon rolled her eyes and handed me the snacks I was just talking about, "I bought you snacks. I heard na whole day 'tong practice kaya baka masyado kang ma-overwhelm kay prince charming to the point na makalimutan mong kumain."

"Aww," I giggled, "ang sweet mo naman."

"Utang mo 'yan, bayaran mo 'ko after prom."

"Puta ka talaga," tawa ko.

"You're welcome," her sarcastic ass took over, "hindi pa ba kayo nagsisimula?"

I quickly glanced behind me where some of the students were chilling as we waited for the teachers to come back.

"Break time pa, kaninang umaga ay nag-practice na kami. The dance is a lot more complicated than I expected. Akala ko pipitsuging formal dance lang, hindi naman ako na-inform na pang-Disney level pala."

Reon chuckled, "Well, the school's perfectionist when it comes to these things. How's your partner's dancing skills?"

"Si Trojan?" pigil na pigil akong ilabas ang halakhak ko, "ang mahalaga'y guwapo siya."

Nagtawanan kaming dalawa, partida hindi ko pa sinasagot ng diretso ang tanong niya. Para bang nakuha niya agad ang nais kong ipahiwatig at hindi ko na kailangan pang ipaliwanag kung bakit.

"Noong second day nga ng practice namin, he accidentally step on someone's foot. He looks so clumsy while dancing, the reason why it always takes us a long time to learn a step," I said in between my chuckles.

"But I'm not demanding though. Ayos lang sa aking magkamali siya't umulit-ulit kami. In that case, mas matagal kong mahahawakan kamay niya," biro ko sa kaibigan.

"Goddamn you act like a pervert waiting something to happen," she disgustingly said.

"Ito naman, hindi mabiro! Siyempre minsan napipikon na ako sa kanya dahil sobrang bagal niyang matuto. Ilang beses na nga kaming nagkasagutan no'n at hindi kami magkasundo sa mga ikot," pagkuwento ko.

"But?" Reona asked me to continue as if she knew I still had something to add.

I smirked, "But it's fine with me. I imagine us being husband and wife kaya that fights over small things—"

"What a nightmare," Reon boringly hissed.

"Ang cute kaya!"

"Cute? You mean toxic? Seriously, Mikasha, your fantasies are weird. Who in the world wants to fight over small things with their partner because it's cute? If you'll look deeper, mar-realize mo na para kayong mga tanga," sermon ni Reon sa akin.

I nodded and said back, "Oh yes I get what you're saying. Hindi ko naman sinabing lahat ng fights ay cute. I mean it selectively like in some times cute siya in a way while there are other times na kailangang i-take seriously because, you know..."

"Yeah, whatever. I just wish you good luck with your amazing partner," she murmured, "his exes and admirers are pretty jealous of you over this. Hindi na ako magugulat kung one day may isang batalyon ka na ng haters."

"Haters gonna hate," tawa ko.

I moved a bit to just change my standing position. I sighed which made Reon question what was with the sad mood.

"Look, honestly... this whole thing is a bit exhausting the shit out of me," I confessed, "I mean being Trojan's partner is great and a dream come true to me but other factors such as his other girls glaring at me all the time and the pressure that I'm carrying to look better... they are a bit exhausting to me already."

"Ang bilis ng mood switch, 'yong totoo, Mika? Gusto mo pa ba 'to or what?" Reon chuckled.

I smiled and stomped my right foot once as I answered, "Oo gusto ko naman talaga! I'm just a bit worried because Trojan didn't attend the practice earlier. I had to partner up with the teacher para hindi kami mahuli sa steps."

"Oh, that's bad news. Kanina lang ba siya wala?" Reon asked.

I nodded, "Oo pero ngayong araw kasi 'yong final practice at ang pinaka-importante tapos wala siya. Paano na lang mamaya kung wala pa rin siya? Should I think of the worse... like he might not attend the prom this Saturday?"

"No, don't. You're just going to give yourself a headache."

"But I'm really worrying. Baka bigla niya akong iwan sa ere, puta siya."

"What makes you think that anyway? Hindi lang siya naka-attend kanina, ang dami mo ng iniisip," Reon pointed out, "baka na-late lang ng gising or may ibang kailangang gawin. You don't know his reasons behind so don't immediately believe what you're head is telling."

"Lagi kaya siyang mukhang galit," I told Reon.

"That's like his typical aura," sabi niya na parang common knowledge na dapat 'yon, "maybe he just really hates dancing pero hindi siya galit sa 'yo."

"Lagi ko ngang sinusubukang pagaanin loob no'n, e. Para talaga siyang problemado sa mundo," I chuckled, "sa tagal ko siyang gusto, hindi ko pa rin siya mabasa."

"Alam mo 'yon? It's hard to identify if he's happy or pissed off. Sa mga naging kalandian ko naman noon nadalian lang akong pakisamahan sila... but with Trojan?" at umiling ako.

"We had plenty of conversations already but at the end of the day, it's like I still don't know him very well," the words came out of my lips like smoke.

"Oh, I get it... Mikael's really confusing to predict, at least that's what I observe. Alam mo bang madalas 'yong mga babae ang nakikipaghiwalay sa kanya dahil lang sa iisang dahilan?" Reon eyed me as she continued, "he's inconsistent."

I gulped as I heard the word. Hindi ko alam ang dapat idugtong sa sinabi ni Reon ngunit pinilit ko ang sarili magtanong, "Why do know a lot anyway?"

Reon shrugged and averted her eyes on something else, "As I told you, I was all alone before you came here... so I had plenty of time to observe people around me. Besides, most of my previous classmates were his ex, parang kada buwan may kwento akong naririnig tungkol sa relasyon nila kay Mikael."

"It must be a pain in the ass for you," I tried to lighten up our conversation.

Umirap siya muli at natatawang sumagot, "The struggle was real! I started to wear earphones just to shut everyone out."

I smirked, "Well now you don't wear them anymore."

She timidly shrugged and said, "Well, I got you. It'd be rude if I wear them on while you talk."

Tinawanan ko na lang siya dahil ayaw pang aminin na binigyang buhay ko talaga ang buhay niya nitong naging seatmate niya ako.

"Babalik ka na ba sa room? Samahan mo muna ako, bibili lang ako ng extra water. Bawal na kasing umalis mamaya kapag nagsimula na muli," pag-iba ko ng usapan.

Tumango lamang si Reon at nauna na sa daan. Maliit na long strap bag lang naman ang dala ko at lahat ng school stuff ko ay na sa locker.

Nagtaka ako nang may ibang nagbukas ng pinto para sa amin mula sa labas at naestatwa si Reon sa lalaking nakasalubong namin.

I wanted to pull Reon out of here already because she was staring directly at the guy as if she saw a ghost. Sure naman akong tao itong kaharap namin.

Pareho pa yata silang nagulat nang nakita ang isa't isa dahil binalot kami ng matinding katahimikan. The guy seemed older than us, hindi rin siya naka-uniporme at mukhang bumisita lang ngayong araw sa school.

"Uh, Reon?" tawag ko sa kaibigan.

"Julian, nandito ka na pala!" natauhan lang 'yong lalaki nang binati siya ng isa naming guro sa ballroom dance.

Reon immediately walked faster, leaving me behind. I half ran the distance just to keep up with her.

What just happened? Bakit gano'n sila kung makatingin sa isa't isa? Kung hindi pa rin siya ang ex ng babaeng 'to, ewan ko na lang talaga!

"Kilala mo ba siya? 'Yong Julian na nakasalubong natin?" tanong ko nang nakalayo na kami.

Reon wasn't obviously in the mood to talk about it but I was already dying in curiosity, I couldn't help to ask.

We were walking toward the nearest beverage station where we could buy drinks in an instant.

"Julian Hermosada, siya 'yong dating prom king," she simply answered.

Para bang may umilaw na maliit na light bulb sa itaas ng aking ulo nang napagtanto ang lahat.

"Oh my god?" I reacted as if I decoded some kind of mystery, "kaya ayaw mong pumunta sa prom!" I even pointed at her with my finger.

Hindi umimik si Reon kaya nagsalita ako muli, "The previous prom king and queen are invited kasi ipapasa nila 'yong crowns, I mean gano'n ba talaga ka-low budget ang Syru for crowns? Anyway, iyon ang nakasanayan dito at alam mong magkikita kayo muli kung a-attend ka."

"Wow, shocking," she boringly drawled, "just buy your water so that I can go back to the room already."

"Umiiwas ka lang sa mga tanong ko, e! Siya na ba ang ex mo?" I asked when I slid the Syru card on the beverage machine.

She frowned as we waited for the bottle to come out, "Bakit ba una mong tanong sa akin ay ex agad? To feed your curiosity, he's not my ex... but he was the only person I trusted before you."

Oh.

Pinagkatiwalaan niya... panigurado akong may masamang nangyari para magkaganito silang dalawa ngayon. Malalim talaga ang maiiwang sugat kapag tiwala ang sinira sa 'yo.

Minsan nga iniisip ko kung may posibilidad pa bang gumaling ito o mananatili na lamang bilang isang marka na magpapaalala sa ating nagkamali tayo.

"Look, I have anger issues... kung hindi mo pa nahahalata. I've been trying to overcome it but it's easier said than done. Para kasing mula pa bata ako, galitin na talaga ako. Kids my age used to mock me to prison myself to a mental hospital already because of my condition. They always blame me for having this," hirap na hirap siyang magkuwento na para bang may nakabara sa kanyang lalamunan upang magpatuloy.

Nakatingin lamang ako sa kanya at nakinig. Her eyes couldn't meet mine as she continued, "And as a teen, I have many personal issues I don't share with someone else. Napatawag ako sa guidance last year because they wanted to help me with whatever I was going through."

"I knew they wouldn't be a help so I refused but they were eager to fix me. They wanted to fix me for the sake of the school's image, halos lahat daw kasi ng mga nakaaway ko ay napaalis sa school. They just wanted to fix me because they had no choice but to do so."

"Ramdam ko naman kasing hindi sila genuine na tulungan ako kaya I didn't want to settle... but then while I was waiting for the guidance teacher, Julian came inside. He was also the former SSG president and the best student figure ng school. Graduating na siya last year," Reon was staring out of the blue as she narrated.

"I couldn't tell when but one day I just found myself trusting him... na parang finally may nakilala na akong hindi baliw ang tingin sa akin... na normal ako sa kanyang paningin. I told him some of my personal issues because he promised they would remain confidential." she absentmindedly shared it with me.

I already got my drink but we haven't moved yet. Reon looked so lost as she reminisced what happened and I was starting to feel how upset she became.

"But he didn't mean what he said. Sinabi niya lahat sa guidance at nakaabot sa mga magulang ko. Damn, he had no idea how my parents could get whenever I try to speak for myself. I was so mad, iyon na yata ang pinakamalala kong breakdown. Sa sobrang galit ko, hindi na ako nagdalawang isip pang saktan siya. Everyone saw it, how his blood came out from his face... how unstoppable I was..."

A lone tear came off that only triggered more tears to come after. I didn't hesitate to hug Reon, heck, kahit pa ngayong alam ko na kung paano siya magalit ay hindi nag-iba ang paningin ko sa kanya.

We all had our demons inside us. I couldn't even tell, baka nga mas malala pa ang magawa ko kung na sa parehong kalagayan niya.

"A-Alam kong nagkamali ako pero ako na kasi ang laging sinisisi ng tao... ako ang laging sumasalo ng sisi dahil sa kalagayan ko. For once, I dodged everyone's bullets for me and I stood up for myself. I wouldn't have hurt him if he hadn't betrayed me," Reon shakily whispered.

"But you know what happened next? Sa huli, siya ang pinarusahan ng school at hindi ako. Muntik na siyang hindi maka-graduate dahil sa nangyari. You know why? Because even if my parents hated me, they still needed to take care of our name," she chuckled bitterly.

"My mother has the largest share in this school, siya na nga minsan ang iniisip na may-ari," Reon chuckled, "it only got worse when they found out I was her daughter... because it was obvious that I was in favor."

Para akong nabingi sa sinabi ni Reon sapagkat may biglang sumagi sa isip ko na tulad sa kanyang kalagayan.

"And honestly speaking, I got pissed off when you confessed to me that you left your old friend without telling her the truth she deserved. For me, it was some sort of betrayal..." Reon mumbled.

I looked up as I completely remembered what I did. Bakit ngayon ko lang tuluyang naisip kung gaano pala ka-walang kwenta ang ginawa ko?

I'd always tell myself that I don't want to lose someone yet I keep on doing things to make them leave.

"But then I realized that we were somehow similar... na minsan umiiral ang selfishness to protect what we want to remain the same..." Reon added and it was then she moved to face me, "that's why I am still your friend."

We embraced each other for a couple of seconds, for once I didn't think about the goddamn prom and Trojan.

I was still in daze and in the middle of questioning myself why. Why did I fully see things when it was somehow too late to act on it?

We decided to part ways when Reon already recovered from crying yet the regrets in my heart haven't left me yet. I was silent as I walked back to the school's covered court.

I doubted that I could deal with anyone today because my mood went from high to down in an instant.

I couldn't get over how pathetic my decisions were... and I was now anxious thinking if regrets would ever be enough to pay for the pain I caused.

I was about to take a turn when I overheard Trojan's voice. Alam kong kapag tinuloy ko ang pagliko, siya agad ang makikita ko.

Malapit na ito sa covered court at mukhang dito muna siya pansamantalang tumambay bago tuluyang pumunta roon.

"What? Change of plans already?" I assumed it was Pirad who asked.

Mukhang seryoso ang kanilang usapan at bahagya akong kinabahan nang narinig iyong tanong ng kanyang kaibigan.

"Hindi ko naman talaga planong pumunta sa prom," problemadong utas ni Trojan.

"How about Mikasha?"

Parang ayaw kong marinig ang anomang lalabas sa bibig ni Trojan. I've heard a lot of negative and bad comments from others about me yet I easily shrugged those off.

That was why it felt new to me when this time, I felt unprepared to hear whatever Trojan's answer would be. Kasalukuyan ko na ring pinagsisisihang iniwan ko si Ji, hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa bang magpatuloy ngayong araw kung may maririnig pa ako mula kay Trojan.

May iritasyon sa boses ni Trojan nang siya'y sumagot, "I'm just using her so that Audrey and her psycho friends can finally stop their nonsense."

Hindi na ako nagdalawang isip pang tumalikod at bumuo ng malalaking distansya palayo sa kanya.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako patungo pero gusto ko na lang agad makauwi sa amin at sayangin ang oras mag-isa sa kwarto na umiiyak.

Patuloy lamang ako sa paglakad paalis ng paaralan na parang hangin lang na dumaan. Hindi ako sigurado kung naki-ayon ba talaga ang panahon ngayon dahil sumaktong may paalis ng beep bus sa terminal. Mabilis akong pumasok at walang sabing umupo sa pinakadulong banda.

His words were simple and that made it a lot painful because I easily understood what he meant.

Parang gago talaga, Mikasha. Ang tanga-tanga ko.

Sa tagal kong gusto si Trojan, ngayon ko lang napagtanto kung gaano na pala ako katanga sa kanya. Umabot pa sa puntong hinayaan ko siyang gamitin ako para lang sa sarili niya.

Para akong bumalik sa nakaraan noong narinig kong gusto rin akong gamitin ng tatay ko para lang guminhawa ang buhay niya.

I probably looked like an ugly fool as I sobbed alone in the corner of the bus, I was the complete opposite of the sunny weather.

I built walls in order to protect myself from malicious, harmful and self-seeker people. I couldn't accept that I carelessly let someone in and take advantage of me without me noticing. What a fucking fraud.

Padabog kong sinara ang aming gate habang patuloy pa rin ang mga luha ko sa pagpatak.

Natigil lamang sila kanina noong bumaba ako sa bus upang sumakay ng tricycle ngunit ngayong malapit na ako sa aking kwarto ay saka muling lumabas.

"Oh? You're home early!" my mother greeted me yet I was not in the condition to smile and pretend I was fine.

She immediately saw how helpless I looked but I didn't let her touch or to even come to me. I didn't want anyone's comfort. I didn't want to talk about it. I just... wanted to cry out as I regret.

I made sure I locked the door as I entered my room. The red gown I asked for my mother to buy was lying on my bed.

My tears had water but I stared at it as if it would be on fire. With all the remaining strength I had, I firmly held the dress with both of my hands and harshly threw it against the wall. Something even broke but it was less of my concern.

I let my body sink on my soft comforting bed and drown the sobs on my pillow that I've been keeping for quite a while now.

Now, I get it. I really do.

All this time I was the only one paddling on my imaginary canoe... that he was never there from the beginning. I was struggling alone rowing and I got lost in the moment thinking he was with me.

That he never liked me. That he never thought beautifully of me. That he never treated me as someone.

It was one-sided this whole time.