Chapter 11 | Issue

I figured out my new life would be normal if I'd just avoid being close to any popular kids inside this school. Sa mga buwan kasing lumipas, napansin kong big deal talaga sa kanila ang lumapit o kahit makipag-usap man lang sa mga kilalang students.

I used to be friendly and I always had almost everyone's attention before. Inisip ko pa noon na basic lang makipagkaibigan dito kasi akala ko, sanay na ako.

Maybe that was just how change worked, huh? Pakiramdam ko nga'y bigla akong nag-mature, ilang buwan pa lang naman ang lumipas mula nang lumipat ako.

I had no regrets anyway. This was the new life I've been planning before. Iyong hindi maingay at iyong hindi ako lagi ang bida sa mata ng tao. Ngayon, hindi na importante kung kilala ba ako ng lahat o madami ba akong kaibigan.

Pakiramdam ko naman ay nagagawa ko iyon kahit papaano.

There were also a lot of important things to prioritize than just being obsessed over a guy who didn't like me. Sobrang na-pressure ako ngayon dahil tila ba lagi akong nahuhuli noong mga naunang buwan ko sa eskuwelahan.

Siguro kung wala si Reon sa tabi ko, bumagsak na ako sa unang quarter pa lang. There were many new things to discover and learn. I needed to adapt to the new environment so that I could somehow blend in. I had to register a bunch of topics in one day to keep up with the class.

It was too much for me at first and I still struggle sometimes. I mean, hindi naman kasi ako natural na mayaman o nagsimulang nag-aral sa high-end school. Kahit na basura ang attitude ng iba rito, bawing bawi naman sa talino.

Nakakahiya naman kung basura na nga ugali ko tapos wala pa akong talino. Kaya need ko talagang tumalino kahit konti para naman may maipagmamayabang ako kahit papaano.

"So... Mikasha, right?" tanong ng isa kong kagrupo sa akin kaya napasulyap ako, "don't be offended, I suck with names."

I smiled to show her that it was fine, "You got it right this time."

She sighed in relief, "Good! I thought my brain was playing with me again. Anyway, we'll be group mates for our project in Physical Education. Let's just wait for the other members."

Tumango ako at inilipat ang tingin sa kabilang row kung na saan naka-upo ang grupo naman ni Reon. She was boringly listening to whatever their leader was saying. I chuckled as I remembered her ranting about this project.

Noong unang pa-project kasi sa Music, pinakanta kami. Tapos one time may pa-activity pa kung saan nag-compose naman kami ng kanta. Ngayon ay pasasayawin naman kami bilang proyekto.

Reon was so furious because she couldn't give up another part of her reputation, akala mo naman talaga. Feeling niya nga raw magiging kpop group na kami at the end of school year dahil sa mga pagawa sa MAPEH.

I just loved listening to Reon's rant. She's fun when annoyed.

Nang nakompleto ang aking mga kagrupo ay agad naman naming pinag-usapan ang plano namin para sa project. I suggested some of my ideas and they were all considerate of everyone's opinion.

Hanggang sa napunta na ang usapan sa costumes. Their minds were too advance, I swear... pero ayos na rin para mapaghandaan habang maaga pa.

"So long black skirt for girls and red top? Final na ba?" Yevi asked.

Lahat kaming mga babae ay sumang-ayon. Mayroon na ako ng mga iyon kaya hindi na ako mahihirapan pa.

"God, I still need to look for tops. I'm not comfortable wearing my old clothes anymore," I heard Tiara.

"You just bought them last month?" natatawang sabi ni Alexa.

Ako naman ang pinuna ni Yevi, "How about you, Mika?"

"I have clothes for this already," tipid kong sagot.

"Great, then. Saka I don't think you struggle picking clothes naman. I mean, look at you."

Alexa laughed, "True! You're so skinny, I think even Barbie's clothes fit on you!"

Napataas ako ng kilay.

"What's your diet ba?" tanong naman ni Tiara sa akin.

My eyes wandered around, seeking for help and gawking for an excuse to get myself out of here already but there was none.

"I mean, I don't do diet," I tried to sound natural despite of being disturbed with their reactions.

I never even tried diet before. Hindi rin naman ako kulang sa nutrisyon o kahit anong bitamina sa katawan at para sa akin, healthy naman ako.

"Really? I recommend you eat more, Mika so that you'd look healthier," saad ni Alexa, "I'm actually worried since salsa ang sayaw natin, you might break into pieces."

Gagang 'to. Ibang klase rin talaga ang manlait dito.

Bakit ba ako ang pinupuna nila at hindi na lang ang kanilang mga sarili?

Insecurity ko na talaga mula noon 'yong katawan at height ko. Back in elementary, my classmates used to poke fun at my height. They used to call me giant because I was the tallest among all of them and sometimes stick because I was tall and thin.

Noong junior high ko lang talaga medyo na-appreciate iyong sarili ko dahil nga sa sandamakmak na compliments na aking natanggap.

I thought this wouldn't hurt me anymore, I thought I was already over this but now that they were pointing at my imperfections... parang bigla na lang nag-replay iyong panunukso sa akin dati sa aking isipan.

"I mean, everyone's body type is different so why make it a big deal?" I chuckled.

"Oo nga," a guy group mate who I remembered to be Jimmy commented, "stop body shaming people, will you?"

Tapos natahimik sila.

Totoo naman.

Aminado akong noon, once ko na ring nainsulto ang iba gamit ang kanilang appearance pero siyempre bata pa ako noon. Ano bang alam ko?

Everyone in my age was doing it too, even the majority of adults, so I automatically thought it was right... pero ngayon, alam ko na ang tama... and I believed there were still more to learn.

"It's fine, Jim. I'm not offended," pagsisinungaling ko na lang, "how about we watch the steps again?" I suggested a new topic which they agreed on.

Umaga ng Biyernes, dumiretso na ako sa school pagkatapos ng aming group dance practice. Dapat talaga'y uuwi pa ako, nakumbinsi lang ako ng kakulitan ni Reon na pumasok nang maaga dahil magr-review daw siya sa library.

"Alam mo, kayang kaya mo namang mag-review nang wala ako. Ang sabihin mo lang, gusto mo akong kasama," tukso ko pa sa kanya.

Reon's reactions were always entertaining to watch kaya ang sayang pikunin.

May pairap-irap pa siyang nalalaman nang nagsalita, "Know what? Why don't you review, too? Baka nakalilimutan mong sumabit ka lang sa passing score sa last assessment natin."

Sumimangot ako nang naalala, "Nag-review ako kagabi, okay? At oo, magr-review ako muli ngayon. Ikaw naman kasi, ayaw magpakopya."

"Mahuhuli tayo kapag pinakopya kita."

"Ang hina naman ng powers mo," I scoffed, "may kaklase nga ako noong na sa mismong desk na ng teacher namin nag-exam pero nakakuha pa rin ng sagot mula sa mga kaibigan niya."

When I glanced at Reon, she looked puzzled as if she couldn't believe what I just said.

"Totoo 'yon, promise! Naka-38 out of 50 pa nga 'yong kaklase ko, e."

"Damn talent," tanging naging komento niya na muling nagpahalakhak sa akin.

"Someone's having a nice day," biglang sulpot ni Jim mula sa gilid ko.

"Jesus, I swear, Jim!" Reon exaggerated, "can you stop showing up like that?"

Jim chuckled, "Saan kayo?"

"Library lang, magr-review kami. Ikaw?" ako ang sumagot dahil busy pa si Reon umirap.

Jim smiled at me, ignoring Reon's constant eye rolling, "Can I join?"

"Where are your damn friends, Jim?" Reon impatiently asked him.

Ako pa ang na sa gitna ng dalawang 'to, feeling ko ako si Chang Amy na host ng Face to Face.

"They're not here yet, Reon—"

"Find another past time, don't disturb us."

"I won't disturb, I'll study too, Reon," natatawang sabi naman ni Jim.

Reon gritted her teeth and replied, "Since when did you discover the word study, Jim? Lumayo ka nga't baka masapak kita."

Pareho kaming natawa ni Jim at sa huli'y sumama pa rin siya sa amin sa library. Natigil na sila nang na sa loob na at isa-isa kaming nag-log in sa student log book.

Nauna si Jim upang maghanap ng aming puwesto. Hindi gaanong pinupuntahan ng students ang library na ito kahit pa sobrang lapit lang naman sa halos lahat ng buildings.

Konti lamang ang laging naaabutan namin ni Reon tuwing nagpapasama siya sa akin upang magbasa. I was never a fan of reading, nahawa lang ako noon kay Ji dahil nga adik siya noon sa love stories.

Reon loved reading crime books. One time, kinabahan ako dahil nakita ko 'yong search history niya. Akala ko papatay na siya ng tao! She told me that she was just curious on how killers do it, wala naman daw siyang balak pumatay.

Sobrang bagay nga talaga naming magkaibigan dahil at some point pareho kaming OA.

My left arm almost got separated from my body when Reon pulled me with her in between two shelves.

"Puta naman!" I whispered, "gusto ko ng umupo, e."

"Are you really that dense or what?" pabulong niya ring tanong.

"Huh?"

"Alam kong matagal nang nadumihan 'yang isip mo kaya nga nahihirapan akong paniwalaan kung dense ka lang ba talaga o denial," she hissed.

"Hindi ko ma-gets, ano ba?" naguguluhan kong tanong.

Tinuro pa niya ang banda ni Jim, "He obviously likes you!"

Agad kong binaba ang kanyang kamay at baka mahuli pa.

"Gaga, anong nakain mo?" I tried so hard to refrain myself from laughing.

"He invited himself over because of you."

"Paano mo naman nasabi?"

"Because no one has ever volunteered to join me."

Ano ba naman 'to, para pa akong nalungkot sa sinabi ng kaibigan.

"Ito naman! Kung may gusto nga siya sa 'kin, lilipas din 'yon," sabi ko na lang, "saka as long as wala siyang ginagawang masama o pinapakitang signs, e 'di chill lang."

"Baka masanay 'yan na lagi mong pinagbibigyan," Reon stated.

I smiled to convince her that I totally understand her point, "I know how to say no, Reon... and I'm not interested as well. Hayaan mo, sa susunod na sumama siya muli sa atin, ako na ang iisip ng palusot."

Reon sighed afterwards, "I'm not restricting you to befriend others including Jim. Natanong ko lang kung hindi mo ba nahahalata dahil ang awkward para sa akin."

Tumango-tango ako at muling bumulong, "Hindi naman kami madalas mag-usap niyan at kung mag-uusap lang naman kami ay tungkol sa school. He haven't moved yet para masabi kong may gusto siya sa akin. Let's not judge too much, shall we?"

She rolled her eyes for the nth time and gave up, "Fine, whatever. Tara na nga."

We quietly walked towards the table Jim got for us three. He was already turning his book's pages when we sat parallel to him.

We spent the next minutes studying, I focused on the parts that I find difficult. Everytime I couldn't get something right, I'd ask Reon to teach me.

Sobrang detailed ni Reon mag-explain na minsan hinihiling kong sana'y siya na lang ang nag-discuss nito sa klase.

It felt like an hour already passed when Reon whispered to me, "Kain tayo."

"Sa cafeteria tayo?" I asked.

"Malamang, bawal naman dito."

"Kakain kayo?" Jim butted in.

"Hindi ka kasama," Reon hissed.

"My friends are there and they just messaged me na puno roon dahil break ng senior," Jim informed us.

"Ano ba 'yan," reklamo ni Reon.

Jim offered, "I can go downstairs and buy you two snacks."

"Huwag na, ako na lang bibili," Reon said, "what's yours, Mika?"

"Wala naman, busog pa ako sa kinain kong almusal," sagot ko habang busy si Reon kunin ang wallet niya mula sa kanyang bag.

"Fine, I'll be right back," paalam niya at saka tumayo, "ay Mika, can you put the last book I borrowed on the right shelf? Alam mo naman kung saan 'yan nakalagay. Baka kasi makalimutan ko mamaya."

"Sure," I answered and immediately grabbed the book she was referring to.

Nang tuluyan nang umalis si Reon ay ako naman ang tumayo upang isoli ang libro.

I was scanning the shelves as I repeated the book's number so that I would immediately find the right spot of it.

In the middle of the aisle I was walking to, a familiar scent made me pause and look around yet my eyes didn't have any problem searching.

"Uy, nandito ka," I whispered, I didn't have a choice but to greet him.

We literally met in the middle of a freaking aisle of books, it would be so obvious and rude if I'd just amble pass him... and besides, blame his perfume! Grabe kung maka-attract!

Trojan nodded once yet his expression remained composed as if he wasn't happy to see me again.

Taray talaga nitong titigan, nakapagtataka talaga minsan kung bakit ko siya nagustuhan.

"I'm studying with my friends," he informed me, "you?"

Agad naman akong sumagot, "Ah! Same reason din."

He cocked his head little to the left as if he was referring to someone behind me, "You and Jim?"

Puta.

Bakit naman ganito tanungan nito?

Alam kong masamang mag-assume pero kung ganito ang ipapakita niya sa aking pag-uugali, paano ko maiiwasang hindi mag-assume?

May nalalaman pa siyang pataray effect, nakakunot ang noo at halos hindi na ako padaanin pa para hindi makawala sa kanya.

Ang hopeless romantic kong tingnan.

"Ah!" I chuckled, "hindi, ano ka ba?"

Ikaw ngang nakita ko nitong nakaraan na may kasamang babae, hindi naman nagtanong kung kayo ba. Siguro dahil na rin kasi alam naman ng lahat kaya nalaman ko na lang din. Nasanay na rin ako sa mga ganitong gimik ni Trojan kaya hindi na masyadong nakakapangselos o masakit.

"Hm, I just speculated you two are together."

'no ba 'yan, ba't ganyan linyahan mo?

I had the courage to smirk, "Hindi, ano ka ba?"

"Akala ko lang nawala na sa isip mo 'yong consequence mo," he reasoned and now seemed calm.

My smirk remained as I said, "For the sake of your sanity, hindi ko pa 'yon nakalilimutan and I'm not dating anyone not just because of the consequence, 'no. Hindi p'wedeng change of plans? Like sarili ko muna, gano'n?"

Titig na titig siya sa akin na tila ba isa akong librong gustong gusto niyang intindihin. I wanted to avert my gaze off of him because I weirdly felt nervous again just by staring back but my eyes wouldn't just get enough of the view of Trojan.

"Well, I remember you saying you'd get yourself a boyfriend once you're here."

Naalala pa niya 'yon?

Grabe. Iniisip din pala ako ng gagong 'to.

Ang hirap pa lang kiligin kapag walang label, hindi ko mahalikan.

"Naks, do you think of me ba?" tukso ko dahil hindi ko na mapigilan, "joke lang 'yon, sir. Hindi rin naman ako interesado sa kahit sino rito. I already met the basketball team before, mga guwapo naman sila pero..."

"Pero?" he asked me to continue.

Walang tatalo sa 'yo, "I've seen better."

Bahagya lamang siyang tumawa at saka gumalaw upang bigyang laya na akong makalakad palayo. Hindi man lang na-curious kung sino!

"Madami ka pala talagang friends, 'no?" I consulted him when I noticed their table was not far from where we were standing.

He responded with a shrug, "I'm not totally close to all of them. You? Who are your friends here?"

I weakly showed him a smile, "Si Reon lang. Motto ko na rin ngayon 'yong quality over quantity."

Trojan confusingly replied, "You sound troubled."

"Ah, hindi naman... medyo mahirap pa lang mag-adjust dito, hindi mo 'ko sinabihan," I tried to make my words lighter so that he wouldn't react too much, mas lalo lang akong mag-aasume.

"Well, yeah, it's kind of hard having reliable friends in here but they are all worth the try. I mean, sometimes we just don't have the choice but to blend in, right? Don't think negatively of it too much, I guess," gulong gulo siya sa sinabi niya.

Hindi ko napigilang matawa, hirap na hirap akong hindi humalakhak nang malakas. Takip na takip ang kanang kamay ko sa aking bibig at naluha pa nga ako katatawa.

"Laugh all you want," he hissed, "am I really that amusing to you, Mikasha?"

"Ikaw kasi, minsan ka na nga lang magbigay ng advice para ka pang 'di sure," I scolded him, "para kang isang malaking question mark, alam mo 'yon?"

Hindi na niya napigilan pang magkunwari at napatawa ko na rin siya.

Tangina nito, ang cute talaga.

"You're right. I suck at giving advices," pag-amin niya, "but I tried, okay? I tried giving you one just to let you know that I understand."

Ang laki ng ngiti ko sa 'king mga labi, pang-isang buwan ko na 'tong ngiti!

"Oo na, sige na," I said dismissively, baka ano pa ang masabi ko, 'no!

I was about to step forward when he softly reached my left arm. Para akong napaso, mabuti na lang at mabilis din niyang tinanggal ang kamay niya sa aking balat.

Grabe 'yon, Mikael Trojan!

"Are you having difficulties in any subjects perhaps?" he asked, "I can like help you."

Muntik na akong mapatingin sa ceiling para sumigaw ng salamat sa Diyos dahil feeling ko sobrang blessed ko ngayong araw.

"Okay lang naman," pakipot pa, Mikasha! Muntik ka na ngang bumagsak sa biology!

"No, really, I can lend you my notes," he insisted.

I couldn't breathe properly in every word my ears repeated. Was I really hearing it from him? Like as in, si Trojan 'to?

I eyed him as he waited me to response. Kapag talaga hindi naging kami, hindi ako papayag.

"Fine, sa biology... medyo sumabit kasi ako roon," I confessed, "baka naman sulat doktor ka o jino-joke time mo na naman ako?"

"I don't usually offer this kind of help to anyone, Mika, and now you're accusing me of fooling you. Is that how you say thank you?" pangbabara niya.

Umirap ako at sumagot, "Parang utang na loob ko pa notes mo, ha? E 'di huwag kang magpahiram?"

Agad akong naglakad palayo upang hindi na niya muling mahablot pa. Kanina lang ang saya namin tapos ngayon biglang nagkasungitan.

Bagay nga talaga kami. Nai-imagine ko na lang kung kami pala, 'no? Kami na siguro ang most toxic couple sa balat ng universe.

Nakabusangot ang buong mukha ko nang nilagay ang libro sa tama nilang puwesto, malas nga lang at malapit pala 'to sa table ng friends ni Trojan.

Trojan was already sitting beside his girlfriend and even when they were whispering to each other, I overheard their conversation.

Chismosa ako, bakit ba?

"Huh? Why?" his girlfriend sounded puzzled, "are you going to use your notebook later, Mikael?"

"No," simple niyang sagot.

"Oh, then why am I not allowed to take it home?"

Trojan didn't hesitate to answer, "I'll give it to someone else today, Audrey. She needs it."

"She?" tumaas ang tono ni Audrey.

Puta, agad akong naglakad palayo sa banda nila at baka mapansin pa ako ng babae. Ako ang kinabahan no'ng biglang tumaas boses niya, e, para bang ayaw niyang naririnig ang mga pronouns ng babae mula kay Trojan—what more pa kaya kung mismong pangalan ko pala ang sinabi niya?

Jusko!

He should've lied anyway or lend his notebook na lang to her, siya naman ang girlfriend! Ano ba niya ako? Porke't sa akin niya unang ni-offer? Wala naman 'yon sa 'kin at maiintindihan ko kung bigla niyang bawiin ang sinabi.

Ang gulo talaga ng lalaking 'yon.

"Ang bilis mo naman," puna ko nang nakitang nakabalik na agad si Reon.

"They're not selling my favorite yet," she irritatingly said.

Umupo ako muli sa kanyang tabi at sobrang taksil ng mga mata ko dahil nagawa pa nitong sumulyap sa grupo ni Trojan.

Nakatalikod naman siya at ng girlfriend niya sa banda namin kaya hindi ako halata.

May sinasabi si Jim tungkol sa sobrang nakakahilong punnett square kaya sinubukan ko na lamang ituon ang aking pansin sa kanya. Dito kasi ako medyo nahirapan, nagsisi ako ng slight na natulog lang ako last school year noong ni-discuss 'to sa amin.

At the side of my eyes, I glimpsed Trojan stood up. I took a sudden glance just to confirm if what I saw was real.

Ang gago, talagang tumayo! Audrey obviously didn't approve him leaving, she was holding onto his polo shirt as if letting him walk a step would kill her.

Nagawang makaalis ni Trojan sa tulong ng kanyang mga kaibigan. Hindi puwedeng mag-ingay sa library kaya walang nagawa si Audrey kung hindi panoorin ang boyfriend niyang lumapit... sa lamesa namin.

Putangina?

Mabilis kong binalik ang aking mga mata sa notebook ni Jim para sana kunwari'y nakikinig pa rin ako. Huli na ang lahat nang sinubukan ko pang magkunwari.

Reon looked like she saw a ghost and Jim was speechless when they both acknowledged Trojan's presence beside me.

Putangina talaga! I bet his girlfriend also saw me! Sabing iwasan ang ma-issue, e!

Binato niya lang 'yong notebook niya sa itaas ng libro ko. Akala ko todo na nang naramdaman ko na naman siyang lumapit pa!

He slightly bended his upper body, "Here, give it back to me on Monday," he muttered near to my left ear.

Para akong naestatwa sa kinauupuan at ang gago sobrang chill lang no'ng naglakad pabalik sa grupo niya! Ang sama ng tingin sa kanya ni Audrey at kung bubugbugin man siya mamaya paglabas ng library, aba, feel free!

"What was that?" gulat na gulat si Reon.

"You know Mikael?" tanong din ni Jim.

"Gaga ka talaga! Ano 'yon?" pilit sa akin ni Reon ngunit sa huli'y wala rin akong nasabi.

Gago talaga. Wala sa lugar kung magpakilig.