I didn't sleep a single moment last night. Not one. I spent every second of it trying to process exactly what had happened. How on earth had things gone from the bliss of knowing I was going to escape with Will, to the terror of finding out that Jamie still had things he could do between now and then.
New things. Twisted things.

Playing it all out in my mind, I scrutinise every little thing I said, wondering if I wasn't clear, or if I did enough to stop him. Could I have stopped him?

I keep trying to find some sort of resolution, but there is none. I feel foolish for ever believing that I'd be able to make all of this fade away once I left. I convinced myself that I could erase all of the mind games and the punches and bruises. I really thought that I'd be able to forget it all. But this? This I'm not so sure I can bury.

As I lay in bed, pouring over the memory of the night before, Jamie's voice calls out to me from down the hall.

"Izzy, are you up babe?" The sound of it instantly puts me on edge. It's eight thirty, he got up hours ago, why is he still here?

Throwing back the covers, I get up as quickly as I can, afraid that he'll come to the bedroom looking for me if I don't go out there. I pull on a jumper and some slippers before hurrying my way down the hallway where he waits for me.

"Ah you're up!," he says, "I wasn't sure what time you had work at?"

"Oh, not until eleven. That's my first class."
I'm working at the school today, but only for a few hours. If I had realised he didn't know that, I'd have left ages ago. Not a single part of me wants to be anywhere near him.

"Right, sorry," he says, "I probably could have left you in bed a little longer."
I watch on as he gathers his things, picking up his keys and phone before turning back to me.
"Oh, I meant to ask yesterday, have you told the women at the store that you're leaving yet?"

"Um, no. Not yet."

His chest deflates a little.
"Izzy, it's going on a bit don't you think? We had the discussion last week."

I haven't told Carol or Michelle anything yet, and I certainly won't be telling them that I'm leaving to be some kind of domestic slave to Jamie. They'll find out the real reason I'm leaving soon enough.
Yet again though, I lie for my own safety.
"Yeah, no you're right, I just hadn't found a good time, I'll tell them this week when I'm in."

"Do. Anyway, I better get going."
As he comes to give me a kiss goodbye, I shrink away, prompting him to give me a strange look. "Are you feeling alright Iz? You look a little pale."

Pale? Obviously. My stomach is turning. I'm confused by the way he's acting. It's like everything is so totally normal to him right now. Does he not realise what he did last night? Does he not understand? Or does he simply not care?
Is this how he views me now? As something he can use and have absolutely no regard for afterward?

"Izzy?," he repeats, placing his hand on my forehead to check for a fever.

"I'm fine," I say, brushing his fingers away. "You should go or you'll be late."

Jamie glances at his watch.
"Shoot you're right! There's some Tylenol in the medicine cabinet if you need it. I'll see you tonight."

Tylenol. Right.

After he finally leaves, I'd like to think that I could breathe a sigh of relief, but I can't seem to do much of anything. I find myself lost in a sea of questions all over again.

Maybe this is his plan, to act like nothing happened so I can't see the truth. But wouldn't I know what rape felt like if it happened to me? Wouldn't I be sure?
I shake the confusion from my mind. I am sure.
I'm sure that he didn't listen to me when I told him to stop. And I'm absolutely sure that I didn't want it to happen, just like I told him. I did. But he took what he wanted anyway.

I hate him. I hate that he always has a way to make me second guess myself. I hate that he doesn't care, I hate how callous he is, and that he never seems to have an ounce of remorse. I fucking hate him.

♾️

My thoughts don't get any clearer when I get to the school. I can't seem to concentrate on anything. Layla must have asked me at least three times to move some equipment but I still haven't gotten to it. More often than not I find myself frozen in time, trapped in the remembrance of last night.

The smell of his cologne haunts me. The feeling of his hands touching me. The sounds he made. It's so clear that it makes me feel ill. The contents of my stomach begin to rise up my throat, and I have to run just to make it to the bathroom before it comes up.

Layla is right behind me, rapping on the door as soon as I've locked it.
"Izzy? Izzy are you alright?"

Tears already stream down my face as I gag into the toilet bowl.
"I'm okay!," I choke out, "just a bad breakfast, I'll be out in a second."

The sound of her feet as they shuffle away brings some relief, at least now I'll be able to cry into my hands in peace.

As I sit on the cracked linoleum floor of the bathroom stall, everything that I've ever gone through with Jamie swirls around my head like big flashing red arrows, all pointing towards this moment. As with everything Jamie has ever done, I should have seen it coming.

I can't begin to imagine how I'm going tell Will about this, but I know I'll have to. I refuse to start anything with him with a secret like that.
Intrusive thoughts plague my brain every time I think of him, making me wonder if he's even going to want me after this. I know that sounds so ridiculous, because I know the kind of man that Will is, but I feel tainted now somehow. Jamie has destroyed a part of me that I thought he couldn't get to, an important part.

I don't know when the right time to tell him is. He's going to be livid. I'm worried he won't be able to control himself with Jamie, but that could blow this whole thing apart for us. We could lose everything. Is it dishonest if I keep this a secret from him until after we leave? Will he understand why I did it?

The right thing may be to hide this awful thing for now, at least until we get the hell out of here. Then I can tell Will, and we can start all over again.

Leaning my head back against the stall, I berate myself for not listening to Will last week when he said not to go home. None of this would have ever happened if I did. My brain turns to mush as I continue to try and figure out how I'm supposed to be a functioning human being after what Jamie has done to me.

As strange as it might sound, I've always believed that somewhere in all the mix up, that Jamie did love me. Not in the way that normal people do, obviously, but in his own intense, misguided way. I was always so sure of it. But that's not love. You don't rape someone to show love or affection. You do it for dominance, to show control and to wield whatever power you think you have over them. I don't know if I'll ever feel normal again after this, but I know for sure that I wont give him control over me any longer.

When I finally emerge from the bathroom, tearstained and defeated, Layla is hanging around outside on the corridor waiting for me.

"You feeling a little rough?," she asks.
That's an understatement.

"I might have undercooked something. I'll be fine, I feel better after that." I give her a weak smile, sure that she believes the lie.

"You can go home if you want?," she offers.

"No, honestly, I just needed to get it out of my system, that's all."
And the further away from there I am the better.

I try to continue on the rest of the day as if I'm completely unbothered, keeping myself engaged with the students and the pieces they're working on for their midterm exam. I don't want Layla sending feedback to the college that I'm obstructive or not pulling my weight in any way, although I guess that doesn't matter anymore. I've already asked to defer my place for the year. I haven't heard back from the coordinator yet, but I hope they give me the green light. I could really use a win right now.

Over lunch I make time for a quick phone call with Will, making every effort to seem myself.
He's decided that it makes more sense for him to rent his apartment out until we know where we want to live. He's already been in touch with an estate agent who can look after it for him, so that's one big thing out of the way.
He's also called his mom to tell her he's coming to see her. It will be a bit of a surprise when I arrive with him, but no matter what I'll be there, I know that much. Everything looks to be lining up in our favour on his end, now we just need to decide when the right time is.

"I'll be signing some paperwork and handing over a spare key on Tuesday" he says. "After that we can leave Iz, all I need is for you to tell me when and I'll book our flights."

"Really? That's it?"
I feel a rush of excitement that goes straight to my head. Maybe we could get out of here even sooner than we hoped.

"That's it," he reply's, "we're almost there Izzy."

"I still need to talk to Sarah, I can call her and see when she's free. I might actually be able to see Annie tonight though, can you come?"

"She's at the bar tonight, you wanna' go there?"

"Yes," I say, "the sooner the better."
I try to hide the desperation in my voice, but Will knows me better than I give him credit for.

"How have things been with him?" he asks, "Are you alright?"

I can't tell him what happened, not yet, and especially not over the phone.
"Yeah, everything is fine. I just can't wait for us to be together."

"Me either Iz," he says. "It's only a little longer, can you do that? If not I'll get you out of there today, no questions asked."

I won't pretend that his offer isn't more than tempting, but I need to stay rational, I don't want to screw this up. It's our only shot. "No, I can do it, don't worry."

As Will fills me in on his progression with packing, something suddenly dawns on me, and I get an idea that might make all of this come together seamlessly.

"Wait a second," I say, interrupting him. "I've just remembered something. Jamie told me last night that he's planning to go out of town with his father."

"When?"

"Next week, Friday I think. Will, we could go then! I can take what I need when he's not there and we can go."
It's not as soon as I'd like, but with Jamie out of town that day there'd be no possibility of him catching me in the act. I'm almost delirious at how well the timing of that trip may have worked out.

Will agrees to start checking flights right away, although he'd rather it was sooner too. I'm just glad to know that this all might actually work. I'll never have to see or fear Jamie again. He'll go on his little trip and I'll disappear, just like that.

I make a promise to myself to lock away the events of last night until I'm gone. It's one more thing for me to hide on Jamie's behalf, one more disgusting shameful thing. But if telling myself that it didn't happen gets me to next week, that's what I'll do.

With some new motivation in hand, I push myself through the last few hours of work. I'm conscious that this is likely now my last day here, so I unapologetically make sure to give some extra attention to the violinists. I feel as though I'm about to abandon them entirely, so I make sure that I leave some encouraging words with them before I go, because they really are amazing.

After school I have to call Jamie, I need to make sure that he's okay with me going to see Annie. Asking permission to see a friend is something that I won't miss, but I must have caught him at a good time or something, because he doesn't kick up much of a fuss, he just asks that I don't stay late.

I have a funny feeling that if I were staying, Jamies long term intension would be to remove Annie from my life permanently. There's a certain satisfaction that comes with knowing that from next week onward, he won't have a say in anything I do.

♾️

It's almost five thirty by the time I get to the bar, I'm not sure if Will is here yet, but I didn't notice his car out front. I remind myself that I have to me the same old Izzy right now. I can't let Will or Annie find out what happened. Not yet.

"Izzy?"
Annie clocks me just as I come in the door. "What are you doing here?," she asks.

"I came to see you." A huge smile spreads across my face as she stretches her arms out to give me a hug, I wish I could tell her right this second. "Is it alright if I hang around for awhile?"

"Yes! I'd love that," she says as she eyes me suspiciously, "Do you want a drink or anything?"

"Just a water please."

Annie leads us back to her office, taking a seat behind her desk while I opt for the little two seater couch across from her. Her office is immaculate as always. I catch myself staring over at the spot on the floor where my two feet stood the night Will kissed me for the first time. It's like I can still feel his lips touch mine.

"So what's the deal?" Annie asks, no longer masking her concern now that we're alone. "What brings you here unannounced?"

"Nothing bad, really,"I tell her. "I missed you that's all... Is your brother here?"

"Oh no, don't worry, I don't think he's coming tonight, you shouldn't run into him."
I have to suck in my cheeks to stop a grin forming. Will better hurry his ass up because I won't hold for long.

"So," I say, distracting myself, "I haven't got to talk to you properly since your big event. I hope you were severely hungover?"

Her laugher rises throughout the room. "I was! I spent most of the following morning throwing up actually. I know, I'm the height of sophistication. What about you?"

Memories of being pinned to the floor barrel their way to the forefront of my thoughts, but now isn't the time. "Oh no, I didn't drink a whole lot so thankfully there was no hangover."

Annie doesn't dare to mention how rude Jamie was to her, she's too polite. But I know that she deserves a proper apology, so I bite the bullet and bring it up.

"I'm really sorry for what Jamie said to you that night Annie, it was totally out of line."

"Oh hey, don't sweat it," she says, "he had way too much to drink right?"

"No, he's just an asshole."
Annie's eyes go wide, she wasn't expecting that much truth from me.

"Oh," she says, "Well if you're going to be the one to say it Iz, then yes, he's an asshole."

I hold back a smile, trying to suppress my laughter. "I'm sorry," I tell her, "You worked your ass off and you deserved a bit of recognition, not some fool talking down to you as if he has a clue about what it takes to run the kind of business you do."

"You don't need to apologise Izzy, he didn't bother me, so there's nothing to worry about."

"Either way," I say, "you're amazing Annie, you need to know that. I can't count all of the ways that you've helped me since I've known you, or describe how important you are to me. You deserve all of the rewards that you're reaping right now, including all of that wild sex with Adam that you wouldn't shut up about."

A voice I've been waiting to hear cuts through the laughter that Annie and I share.
"Now there's something I could have went my whole life without hearing," Will says.

He stands in the door way, his mouth turned down at the image I just put in his mind. Annie drops her head into her hands, giggling away at his poor timing.
"Sorry!" I say, "I got a little carried away."

Will steps into the office, closing the door behind him and stuffing his hands into his packets. I find myself blushing as he glances my way. We're like two teenage lovers.

"Have I missed something here?" Annie asks, darting looks between us. "Are you two on good terms again?"

Will takes a seat on the couch, stretching his arm across the back behind me.
"You could say that," he says.

"I see." Annie glares over at me. "So your surprise visit here wasn't really to see me at all?"

"Actually," I say, "it was." Sharing a look with Will, I ready myself to spill the beans. "We're both here to see you Annie, and there's something we need to tell you."

♾️

By the time Will and I have finished filling Annie in on everything that's been happening, her eyes are red raw from her tears. She's both upset and confused about all of it, especially the fact that I let her believe things with Jamie were better.

"Why didn't you tell me he was still doing those things Izzy?," she cries, "I could have done something."

"It's taken me this long to decide to do something for myself Annie, nobody could have changed the way things went, not even you."

"But leaving? You guys can't do that. You can't let him chase you both out of here!"

I turn to Will for support on this one. I feel like I'm ripping him away from her.

"An' I don't want to go anymore than Izzy does," he says, "but this isn't something we can take a chance on. I want to keep Izzy safe, and I want to be with her. For now this is the best way for us."

"But what about the police? Can't they do anything?"

"We've discussed all of our options already," he says, "and I can assure you we've considered everything, but this is still the way we want to deal with it."

Annie pushes her chair out before coming around to the couch and wrapping her arms around me.
"I'm happy for the two of you," she says, "I really am. I just hate that you have to go."

"I know," I reply, "I do too."

She holds onto me for what feels like forever before turning her attention to Will, pointing at him like he's her child rather than her brother.

"You better look after her," she says, sticking her finger into his chest.

"Ouch!" He rubs at the spot she just poked. "No concern for your baby brother at all?"

"Oh please, you've got her, that's all you wanted."

Will looks over at me, the corners of his mouth curling upward. "It is," he says, "and I'll take care of her too." He reaches over and takes my hand, squeezing it as if to tell me that's a promise.

Annie sniffs, wiping at her nose and bringing us back to the point at hand.

"In the meantime though," Will says, "we need to talk about you Annie."

"Me?" she asks dumbfounded.

"Yes. Look, I don't know what this guy will or won't do, so I spoke to Adam a little while ago, and he's going to stay with you for a couple of weeks to make sure you're alright."

"What? You don't think he'd actually turn up at my apartment do you?" she asks, totally appalled by the idea.

"I don't know but I'm not taking any chances with you, so for now you need to make sure that you're not at the bar on your own at all either. No more late nights locking up two or three hours after everyone else has gone okay?"

"Seriously?" she asks, clearly more than a little annoyed about it.

"It's out of precaution more than anything else Annie," Will assures her, "but it's better to be prepared right? I've also asked Adam if he'd take over some things here for me too. I don't want you adding anything more to your plate."

This was the part I was most afraid of. How our choice was going to impact other people and disrupt their lives. I never wanted to see anyone else getting mixed up in this mess.

I take Annie's hand in my own, letting out a sigh.
"I'm really sorry."

"For what?" she asks.

"For all of this chaos, for having to put you on notice that Jamie might show up here looking for us. I wish I could change it. For a while there I didn't want to take the chance at all."

"You mean you were going to just stay with him?," she asks.

"I don't want him to hurt anyone Annie." I explain.

"Izzy, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
Nice, although why start mincing her words now I suppose.

"Seriously! Do you think for a second that I'm in any way afraid of him?," she asks. "He has spent years wearing you down, making you think you belong in that life with him. He doesn't have that advantage with me or anyone else. And he won't either, I'll put him on his ass if he turns up here."
I can't help but smile, she's always so confident and sure of herself.

"So when do you leave?" she asks dolefully. I hate that this is upsetting her.

"Next week, Jamie has a work trip so we're going to take advantage of that and go when he leaves. Will has the flights organised and everything, it's just a waiting game now."

"Have you told your family yet?"

"I'll tell Sarah soon, then Michelle and Carol. That's everybody that needs to know on my end."

"What about your dad?" Annie asks.

"What about him?"

"Don't you think you should tell him Iz?"

"He doesn't care Annie. There's no need for me to waste my breath."

She gives me a sad look, but doesn't say much more about it. She knows that I'm right.

"So it's really happening," she says. "You guys are leaving..."

"It's really happening." I repeat.

I still can't believe it either. I honestly thought my only way out with Jamie would be in a coffin. Now I have the prospect of it being with someone that actually loves me. It feels amazing.

Annie must ask a hundred more questions about our plans and when she can visit, but after awhile I have to leave. I don't want to hang around the bar too late after Jamie asked me not too. I'm not aiming to get him into a bad mood, especially after last night. It's been hard enough to keep my mind off of that while I've been here, I don't want to give him any reason or desire to possibly repeat it.

Sharing a tearful goodbye with Annie, we promise to call each other everyday once Will and I go. I won't get to see her again before we leave, and it's harder than I thought it would be to keep it together as I squeeze her goodbye for the tenth time.

Once I finish up with Annie, I take a few minutes to talk to Will in the corridor before I head off. I'm too paranoid and on edge to let him walk me to the carpark.

"So you told Adam then?" I ask, wondering if I've just made a new enemy.

"I told the whole band actually."

I feel a pang of sadness hit me. That must have been so hard for him.
"How'd it go?"

"They get it," he says, "It was tough news to take, but they'd do the same if they were me. Alex is going to look after cancelling some of the shows we booked, but they might figure something out later on so they can continue as a band."

"You mean they might replace you?"

"I don't know, maybe." His voice wavers ever so slightly. He's upset and trying not to show it, but he can't even hold eye contact with me. We both knew this would be difficult, but I think leaving the band is the most painful part for Will.

"You don't have to do this," I tell him, "Not if it's not what you want anymore. I'd understand."

"Don't even think it Izzy. You come before everything else, you need to know that. I won't say that it's not hard to leave,"he says, "it is, I've been with the guys for a long time, but telling them hasn't changed a thing for me."

I can't describe how blissful it makes me to hear him say that, but I don't underestimate the magnitude of what I'm asking him to do either.

"I'm sorry you have to give up so much for us Will. I wish it could be easier."

"And I wish you'd stop apologising," he says as he runs his hands around my waist, bringing us eye to eye. "This is my choice Isobel. You're my choice. I'd do anything for you, no matter the cost."

Sometimes it's hard to believe someone this perfect exists. Nobody has ever made me feel this important to them before, or offered to do so much for me while expecting so little in return.

I reluctantly kiss him goodbye so I can get home. I'm sad for Will, and for the guys, but a part of me feels content in the fact that we've finally told people. It makes it all feel that much closer. It makes it all feel real.