CHAPTER | 11

MILES

My whole life came to a standstill looking at her face turning pale as the seconds painfully ticked by. This wasn't happening...

The next few hours were nothing but a blur. One minute everyone was rushing, dashing past each other, and the other there was a crunching silence that was eating me alive. I had called up Amber soon after I was partially sane and we were rushing towards the hospital. While my heart was thrumming in sporadic pain, my mind was running thousand miles an hour.

Zack, Amber, Hannah and Mark had all come to the hospital as soon as I had put Megan on the stretcher, begging the doctors to not let anything happen to her. They had all changed into dry clothes and Zack had brought a spare one for me to change.

I had robotically gone through the whole process, my mind and heart not wanting to get away from her. I stood by the hospital corridor, leaning against the pillar, hoping that everything was going well.

Though Amber and Hannah were sharing a knowing look among each other, they didn't seem fit to let me know what was happening. Did they know something that I didn't know?

Mark walked towards me. "Hey, Emerald is getting into a fit." He said and I nodded my head. I could understand. By the way the things moved here, Megan wouldn't be seeing any visitors at least till the morning. "I'll be back in the morning. Let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks, man." I muttered, as he patted my shoulder before leaving. Sighing, I walked towards Amber and Hannah who were sitting on the plastic chairs of the hospital.

Hannah, after having lost her husband seemed like she had given up on life. Her stout figure gave nothing away. Even though she wanted to bawl her eyes out, she was maintaining calm and composure better than me. Apart from the constant crying, Hannah looked like she knew what was happening.

"What's happening?" I asked, sitting next to Amber who had put her head on her palms as if she had given up everything too. "I know for a fact that all of you know. Can someone enlighten me here?"

Amber ran her hands over her hair and stood up, wiping her face clean. "She suffers from panic attacks." She turned away as her voice broke at the end. "Thank God, you found her before it was too late."

"What?" I asked perplexed. I stood up, not able to digest the fact that Megan, the cheerful looking woman who always kept a pleasant smile on her face, was suffering from panic attacks. "No, that's not possible."

The only thing that was getting me under my skin was the understanding that Amber held as she wiped her face clean again. Apart from the small fright of being late, she seemed calm enough to not hyperventilate. How could she be so clam about her friend dealing with panic attacks? She was her best friend, sticking through thick and thin. She was the one who had called up to tell me that she would be hunting to chop my balls for making her best friend feel like shit. How could she be so at peace with everything?

Unless... this had occurred before.

I swallowed the block in my throat. "Did... has this happened before?" I asked slowly as I connected one dot to the next.

I recollected the first time I had met her in that party in Primetown. After she had seen me, I had watched her go pale just like she had before she had lost her consciousness. And the time when I had been to see Emerald, I had seen her take deep breaths very often to keep her composure.

I hadn't given too much notice to see that she had been suffering all throughout when I had been ignoring her like the jackass that I was.

"God, it has." I murmured, running my hand over my hair in guilt and dread. "Shit!"

Hannah walked towards me, putting her hand on my shoulder. "Miles, please calm down."

"Calm down?!" I shouted at them, my hands up in the air. "It's Megan we are talking about... she... Oh, my God! For how long?"

None of them spoke as they looked at the ground which was seeking more attention than me. The hall had become too quiet to my distaste. The only sound was from the zero-candle that was buzzing lightly.

"For heaven's sake!" I put my hands up almost pleading with them. I turned towards the guy, and almost pleaded with him. "Zack?"

He looked up towards me and then back to the women who still had their heads bent down. "Since she left you..."

"What?" That was when I sunk on the plastic chairs, putting my head on my hands wondering what I had done to her. I was the trigger to her attacks?

"She's hardly herself anymore after... and..." Hannah sat next to me, as if she were consoling that it was not as bad it seemed to be. But with their calm demeanor I couldn't believe a word they were saying. "She has nightmares... she said it has come down... we didn't know and... today... with Smith..."

"I had seen her cry in her shop most of the days... after you know..." Zack dropped himself next to me. "But... it was Megan... she just waved it away."

I still couldn't believe what I was hearing. "I thought... she left me by her choice." The numerous calls and messages that I had left for her to come back to me had gone unresponsive. What did she do that for? Was it her ego pushing her away from me? I had had enough of rejections and I had eventually stopped.

"You think you were the only one who was hurt?" Amber asked, her eyes brimming with tears. She walked towards me and pulled me up by my collar. But I didn't protest. She had every right to be angry with me. I had to have tried harder to make sure that she was okay. But what had I done? I had chosen the safest path for me to run away.

"I blame everything on you!" Amber spat. "Her sleepless nights! The fear of getting out of the house! Her fright to sleep so as to not have nightmares! Her constant panic attacks! Her travels to hospitals! Moving away from town! Everything fucking damn thing that happened to her, I blame it on you!"

Zack pulled her away from me before she could slap me. "Amber, calm down! What are you talking about?"

A sturdy nurse came by. "What's the noise here? This is a hospital, maintain silence and stay calm!"

"Sorry." Zack apologized as the nursed cursed under her breath again before leaving us alone. "Hannah, Amber... let's get you guys home. You can come back tomorrow. It's late and you both are really tired."

"I'm not going anywhere!" Hannah snapped and for the first time, I saw anger in her features.

"Hannah, you need to rest." Amber said, walking towards the old woman. "I'll stay over tonight." She then looked at Zack and a tiny flicker of understanding passed between them and then he gave a curt nod at her.

"You can come here the first thing in the morning." Zack pulled Hannah to her feet who now had started to sob with fresh tears. "Megan is medicated, and she'll not be waking up for a while."

Hannah gave up after a few retorts and then nodded her head. She gave a hug to Amber and then came towards me. She pulled me in for a hug as she patted my back. She kissed my cheek before she left with Zack.

Amber sat down on the chair and patted it loudly for me to break from my chain of thoughts and follow her lead. My shoulders slumped in defeat and I sat down next to her, as the plastic chairs screeched under my weight.

"I'm sorry." She sniffed while I was still contemplating the whole ordeal that went between those two years.

I had stubbornly made up my mind to fuel the rage into a revolting hatred towards Megan who was successful in breaking my heart. I had made sure that I was travelling more and straining myself to keep my mind and heart occupied. I did all that while she suffered alone.

"I still... I don't understand." I muttered, running my fingers over my still wet hair. "Why... how did this all happen?"

Amber let out a humorless laugh. "I've been with her for more than six years and I still don't understand how her mind works."

I stared blankly at a distance, picking out everything I had seen and heard trying to make sense. She was great at her business with flowers. Though she had a rough past, she had stood above it all, smiling at the things that were thrown her way.

And then, I had come up. I had not only broken her heart but had ruined her beyond repair.

"It's probably all in the past." Amber said, looking at me sideways. "She has had issues in the past and maybe one thing led to another and it might have led her here. At least, that's what the doctors say."

I gulped down the lump in my throat. "She... she went to a doctor?"

"Yeah." Amber sighed. "After things went down with you, I had asked her to go shopping with me."

"Shopping?" I asked. Amber and I both knew that Megan hated shopping with all her heart.

"I had convinced her to get out of the house for the first time in days." Amber continued, ignoring me. "It was the first time she had a panic attack. Then her nightmares had increased. She screamed through nights, waking up crying or in sweat."

I held my breath and looked away. That meant, the day at the mall, the last of her that was caught on camera was the first time she was on an attack.

"She had stopped sleeping completely, scared that she might wake us up and be a burden." Amber said. "Sleeplessness has its own side effects, and her attacks went uphill. So, doctor." She shrugged. "It didn't help that you didn't call. That kind of made her assumptions right."

I nodded my head as Amber finished her narration. I still couldn't believe that I had left her broken like this...

I closed my eyes. "People have walked away from me all my life, Amber." I leaned forward and kept my elbows on my knees. "No matter how much I begged them to stay. I kind of started to accept it. So, when Megan left..."

I didn't need to complete the sentence. Amber had understood. "You both are messed up." Amber sighed.

"But she looked so happy." I turned to look at her friend. "I thought I was the only one who was hung up on the dead relationship."

"She has her way, Miles." Amber smiled sadly. "She came back to town only because Smith asked her to. She had said that she would stay back in her apartment alone. Though she said that her nightmares and attacks had come down, I know that it hasn't."

"Why... why didn't she ask for help?"

"Well, you know her." Amber shrugged. "She thought she was being a burden. And well, she's Megan. She stopped telling us about everything and put on a happy face for our sake."

"Fuck!" I covered my face in shame. All my life, I tried to protect myself, but I never understood that I had to protect her smile to keep mine intact.

"She only moved to PrimeTown on recommendation from a doctor." Amber supplied. "But I'm not sure if it actually helped."

I bit back a sob. "Smith... he told me that she was one of the rare gems. He had taken a promise from me to keep her happy... I failed him, Amber. I failed him."

Amber put her hands around my shoulder, in an attempt to console me. "It's not your fault, Miles." I shook my head to say otherwise, but she bet me to it. "Look, the doctor is coming."

She stood up quickly leaving me shaking from my own nerves. The only thing that kept me in surprise was the fact that Amber was so calm while she explained Megan's conditions. She was even at peace when the doctor was coming ahead with a grim look.

It only made me wonder how many times Megan actually went through the same situation to have everyone feel and think that it was the new normal.

I stood up as the doctor came near us. Taking a deep breath to compose myself, I started before the doctor could start.

"Is... is she alright?" I managed to ask. I knew a basics of panic attacks and I didn't know how Megan was doing right at the moment. It was more of a phycological pain rather than a physical agony. "She will be okay, right?"

"Yes, Mr. Jackson." The doctor smiled tightly. "She's under a lot of stress. Her blood pressures had shot up too quickly to recover which was the reason why she had fallen unconscious. We have given medications for now and there's nothing to worry about."

"She's getting consciousness in..." Amber left the question hanging, leaving the doctor to fill the lines.

"Early morning or so." The doctor nodded. "The medicines last for about 4-5 hours."

"Um... can I go see her?" I asked, hesitantly. After all that I had caused, I still felt like I had to be around her to make sure that she was alright.

"Sure." The doctor nodded his head. "But weren't you the one who was present when she was attacked?"

I nodded my head, unsure of what he was saying.

"You can go in now, but I don't think it would be a good idea to see her when she wakes up." The doctor noted grimly. He looked at Amber for a brief while and then his eyes landed on me. "Um... considering the history you two share, she... you know, she might have another..."

"But shouldn't we make sure that she overcomes her fears and stuffs?" Amber jumped in, putting her hand on my back as a silent support.

"Yes, but not right away." He said, looking at me, with all seriousness he could muster in his eyes. "She might want to know that she's not alone and she can rely on someone. Being her doctor, I have tried to get her talk with me, but she wouldn't budge."

I had understood. It had been the same thing with me as well when we had been together. All her emotions were always bottled up, hoping that she would be the sole bearer of its bitter fruits.

"As I have said before, just make sure that she wouldn't stress." He cleared his throat. "Sometimes, they might go into shock and have a heart attack instead."

Amber gasped in horror as I turned white thinking of the possibilities.

I don't want to lose her again and definitely not forever.

The doctor left us while I leaned across the pillar again to gain my strength. It had all happened because of me and I was only responsible for her to be in this condition. And what had I done when I had met her?

I had been cynical and calling her bluff every time making sure that she was seeing hell for leaving me. And in the spur of the moment, I had kissed her. Like a punishment for things she hadn't done.

I was a sinner.

Now, that I knew, I wanted to make sure that I was making up for all the mistakes that I had committed. I was going to make sure that Megan was going to be okay. I would...

"She didn't faint because of you." Amber consoled. "She had been in a lot of stress lately. And with Smith... you know how close she was with him... and losing him..." Her eyes turned moist all of a sudden.

I pulled Amber into a hug. We both needed it. I couldn't imagine what Amber might have been through in the last years along with Megan.

"I promise, I'll make everything alright." I assured. It wasn't a line just to make he feel better. I wanted to be there for her, for Megan. To set things right again when I was the one who had fucked it up in the first place.

Amber took a deep breath and pulled back. She nodded at me with a small smile. "You should go see her and come." She tilted her head to the room where Megan was present. "I'll be right here. Take your time."

I nodded my head unsure of myself. I slowly made my way towards the hospital room, hoping that I wouldn't mess it up again. I stopped just before the door, my hand on the door handle as I suddenly paused.

I had always seen Megan as the culprit for breaking up with me. It took a serious panic attack for me to see her through. Did I know her well enough to clear up the mess I had left behind? I thought I was the only one who had hung up on the carcass of a relationship that we had ended, but now, it seemed like it was all in my head.

Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door and walked in to see Megan laying peacefully on the bed. Her face was still pale as if she was seeing a ghost, but her features said a whole different story. There were dark circles around her eyes that I had missed before. Her collar bone was visible as it let a scary drop down. Her cheeks had gone hollow.

Though she was breathing in and breathing out, she looked dead inside and the fact that it was all because of me, made my stomach churn in excruciating agony.

I walked towards her and put my hands on hers. They were as cold as ice. She stirred and I looked back at her face in sudden panic. But then, she didn't wake up.

Without thinking, I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I'll take care of you, darling. I promise, I will."

---

A/N: I love Amber. Don't you?

Now that Miles knows the bitter truth, will he take a step forward to erase the past? Then again, is Megan strong enough to let him take care of her?

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