10/12/22

Boredom is a strange state. I rarely am bored because I can always find something to think about. But I've been unemployed for 5 months now, and it's just so boring. This wouldn't be so if my mother was around. She made sure of it that I always had something to do. I hated it then but I can appreciate it now.

Everything costs money. And my father just has to live away from the city, so it's far to go anywhere like a museum. Plus there's the element of agoraphobia and fear of public transit that I have.

Only thing I've been able to do really is consume media. I'm lucky that so many things are out at the moment that catch my interest. The Sandman, the new Vampire Academy Show, TWD final season, Heartbreak High, Interview with the Vampire.

God, I'm so in love with the IWTV show. Gay vampires will never bore me. What a great time it is. Final season of TWD has been underwhelming though. The commonwealth plot line just feels like Alexandria and other shit again. And I'm still salty over the characters taken by Alpha. (Don't even get me started on Carl) Now they throw in all these new characters that we're supposed to care about. It's not working for me.

I also have been trying to write. It's near impossible for me to write for an audience though. Everytime I get insecure and chicken out. But freezing is no way to make progress, so I'm going to limit any creative writing to my eyes only for the time being.

Today an old internet friend reached out to me. That was pleasant for me. Honestly I thought she decided that she hated me and fled. But that doesn't seem to be the case. I have trouble with viewing other people merely as accessories to my life rather than actual people. Even worse when I can't see them physically. My mind refuses to acknowledge that they are fully formed persons with lives of their own. I take everything so personally. Working on that.

Alot of my time is spent maladaptive daydreaming. I've been doing it since I was 11 or 12. It was the perfect escape. Sometimes now I feel it's detrimental(It has always been, hence the term maladaptive but now it feels more apparent to myself). I used it to escape my shitty life but now I have a poor excuse for a life. Now, my daydreams feel like a reality because there is no reality to compare it to. One day I will go more in depth about my daydreams. For now I'm tired.