10/13/22

2015 was seven years ago. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and other times it feels so unattainable. Do not get me wrong, I would not like to go back. Adulthood has privileges that I wouldn't give back. Being a child was suffocating in many ways. But it's difficult not to feel nostalgic.

I'm going to be 20 in one week and I'm having a hard time with this. I suppose in part because of the lie sold by media of the "teenage dream". Even when I was a teenager I knew it was a myth. Adults would try and convince me that high school would be the best years of my life. I rejected this idea because a.) If this is the best then it's all downhill from here and why would I want that and b.) Because peaking in high school is what the kind of people I look down on do.

In a way, I feel like by turning 20 I will be losing my novelty. There's something so special about being a teenager. You're on the cusp of adulthood. You can grasp some adult concepts but you still retain youth. There's a beautiful balance. I think 17 has been my favorite age because of this. Something about being almost but not quite legal is so enthralling.

I feel like anything I manage to accomplish after twenty will be watered down by my age. People will expect more and more of me. The pressure of it all is anxiety inducing. I still see myself as a scared child. Even more so now, with no mother. Everytime someone calls me "ma'am", it feels unreal.

I guess with everything in life there is good and bad. You have to take the bad if you want the good. I accept adulthood and all its harsh truths. I just with youth came with more cognition to appreciate it while it's being experienced.