10/11/22

I don't have a single friend. People often say this and it's an exaggeration. But it's true. I have no friends. I don't think I even have family anymore. Not that I ever considered my family to be family. But in my mother's absence, our disconnect is even more apparent.

It feels impossible to make friends. Since I was a child I had a hard time. I have distinct memories of pre-school where everyone was socializing and I couldn't figure out how to be apart of it. This pattern has continued throughout my whole life. I no longer have the forced proximity of school however to provide any acquaintances. No more social interaction for someone who was socially inept to begin with.

The thing is though, it's my fault. I can blame it on the mental illness and it wouldn't be completely untrue. But I hate people. I don't do it on purpose. I enter situations with the full intention of being friendly and I try to get along. I pretend to. But deep down I hate whoever I'm associating with. So many times in middle school and high school I'd befriend people and then do something shitty to push them away. I find some flaw of theirs and fixate on it, then isolate myself.

On the other side, I get too attached. I find a "perfect" person and I think we click. I hold on to them too tightly because it's so rare that I get along with another person. But then they abandon me. It's the worst. That is why I put in effect a ban on having internet friends. They are no good for the psyche. People say that internet friends are real friends, and I used to believe it. I really did. But I'm against it, unless there's an in person meeting to follow soon after.

Being alone is nice, but in moderation. I'm actually going insane with loneliness. It's been almost 6 months since I've had a meaningful interaction with someone outside of my "family". I just miss having one person to confide in and vice versa. It's a scary feeling. I could die today, and no one would really know or care. No one would be affected. I just exist. I often feel like a glitch in this life. Hence why I hate interacting with the public. I feel like I am ruining their flow. Everyone else knows their lines and what they're meant to be doing and I've just crashed down here.

So I don't know if I'll ever have a friend. I might go insane before I make one. There's my cat and I love her, but it's not the same as a person. I wish I wasn't so ill. Having no friends or family is such a huge part of it. I don't see a reason to get "better". But I try out of spite. The thing is, no matter how much I work on myself, I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive a world that ignored and shunned me at my lowest.