10/19/2022

So today is my birthday. Twenty years ago I was dropped into this world. I'm still in denial. I've been trying to console myself by saying it could be worse. And sure it could be, but this is the worse it's been. I have no mother, no money, and no friends. Today feels cold. There's nothing to celebrate.

There's a guy I used to talk to but stopped because our sexualities were incompatible. Well I resumed talking to him a few days ago. I confided in him my worries about turning twenty, one of them being that I would lose my novelty. Bear in mind this is someone who is significantly older than me, that I thought maybe my novelty had a positive effect on. He told me that I already lost my novelty when I turned 18. That just made me feel infinitely worse. It's just untrue.

I also had a nightmare last night that I was in school again. It was elementary school this time. I'm not sure if there was some symbolism there. All I know is I have a headache now and any feelings I was having the previous night are exacerbated.

I wish I could sleep through this day. I wish I had a xanax or an ambien. Even better, a new body, a new brain, and a new life. I don't even have any candles to wish on.

I'm jealous of people who get tons of birthday regards. I even feel jealous of my previous self. I think my 17th birthday was my favorite. I had real life friends and a party and a mother. And I had two great online friends. I didn't see it then, but now it feels like an enviable time. I wonder if I'll ever feel that way about today. I hope not.

Well it's 6am now that I'm writing this. If my plans go correctly I'll be crying myself to sleep now. I will wake in a few hours and finally deep clean my room like I've been promising myself these past weeks. Happy birthday to me.