We were in 5th grade when we first met.

We just moved to a new state, Seattle, Washington, and I transferred in the middle of the year. I knew no one. I had no friends and no one knew me. No one talked to me or even acknowledged my presence. I was lonely. A lonely boy in a new world.

I secretly cried every day when no one would talk to me. I just wanted to be noticed, talked to, and befriended but I knew I could only dream about it until ZanZan came and saw me hiding in the playground. He sat beside me in silence. I didn't know what to say, so I kept quiet too.

"Finally, someone cute in this school!" 

He started. I smile and blush at what ZanZan said. At first, I thought he was flirting with me but then realized that he was just being nice.

Ever since that day, our friendship just got stronger and stronger. We shared our thoughts, opinions, likes, and dislikes. We would spend weekends together, playing video games, and having sleepovers. We were inseparable.

Middle school started and I started to question my sexuality. I knew I liked boys but I was scared. I was scared that people would make fun of me. I was scared that people would hate me. I was scared that ZanZan would hate me.

When I just couldn't keep it anymore, I let it all out. I told the world that I was gay. At first, it wasn't that bad but then my fears came true. Other kids would make fun of me, calling me names, and some would despise and hate me. Every slur I get called, every hate I get, I become weaker and weaker. Sometimes not even wanting to go to school. But then ZanZan came.

He came in like a superhero, protecting me. He would get mad at people who would call me names, and he would even get himself in trouble for me. He was special to me, one of a kind. He makes me feel things no one else could.

ZanZan became closer to me. He would always listen to me complaining about everything. About how hard the test was, how bad the service at the new diner we ate at but there was one thing I complained about every single day. It was about me being hideous that no one would want to marry me. He would only laugh at it which made me quite sad, to be honest.

It was my 13th birthday when I fell in love with him. I wasn't having a really good day. I was still complaining about how no one would want to marry me and all that stuff. It all stopped when I opened my locker. I saw an opened box with a heart-shaped diamond ring with a note saying:

'If no one wants to marry you, then I'll marry you. Happy Birthday Xavy♡'

I smiled the whole month and kept looking at the ring ZanZan gave me. His mom told me he had been saving his money since the start of middle school to buy me a special gift. That was the moment I fell in love with my best friend.

Then high school came. We started to explore different people and different friend groups, but we still stayed the same. We would still have sleepovers and play video games like before. We would introduce our other friends to each other and would take turns on whose friends we would hang out with. I thought we would be best friends forever until senior year of high school came.

The first few months were fine but it all changed when ZanZan got a girlfriend. It hurts to see the person I fell in love with fall in love with another person that isn't you. I watched him date her while my heart cried.

ZanZan became distant and we barely talked. I was heartbroken. Seeing your best friend be happy with someone else hurts. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for him, but seeing him with someone else makes me want to crawl into a corner and cry.

The thing that broke my heart the most was when he called me by my name, not my nickname. His nickname for me was special to me. He would be the only person who would call me that. My heart shattered into pieces when he first called me with my name.

'Xavier, Mrs. Perry wants to see you'

It was the first time we talked in 4 months and it broke my heart. I remember just nodding from the shock and walking away as fast as possible so that he wouldn't see me cry.

I knew what I was going to do was going to break my heart but continuing it would only break my heart more. I finally, for the first time in 7 years, called him by his name. Zander.

'Zander, Stacy wants to see you'

I couldn't even look at him. I knew it was going to kill me to see his hurt face but I had to do it. After that, we never talked or looked at each other.

High school was about to end in 2 months and I wanted to tell ZanZan how much I loved him. But I knew it wasn't going to be easy. So I decided to make a letter. I made the most difficult decision to give him the ring he gave me. I have never taken it off since he gave it to me except to change the size. I put the envelope with the letter and ring in his locker and hoped that he'll read it.

Dear ZanZan,

Do you still remember the first day we met?

We were in 5th grade. I was new and I transferred in the middle of the year and not a single person came up to me, talked to me, or even acknowledged my presence. No one but you. I still remember the first thing you said to me.

"Finally, someone cute in this school!"

I knew I liked you back then when you first said this. You would always hang out with me during recess and would talk about your favorite things. And you would let me talk and actually listen no matter how boring it was.

I was in middle school when I came out as gay. The other kids started to make fun of me, pick on me but you came in like a superhero to protect me from them. You were my superhero. You didn't leave my side. You still treated me the same. Maybe even better. You still saw me as your best friend.

My 13th birthday was probably my favorite birthday thanks to you. I opened my locker to see a box with a heart-shaped diamond ring inside and a note saying:

'if no one wants to marry you, then I'll marry you. Happy birthday Xavy♡'

High school started and you were still there, by my side, making me happy. We made new friends but we were still best friends. It was like nothing could break us apart. When I finally admitted my feelings for you, you still didn't change. You were still my best friend.
You knew I liked you but what I didn't say was that I am in love with you, ever since the day you gave me the ring. My love for you just got stronger and stronger every day but I kept it to myself. I was scared that I might mess up the best thing that had happened in my life.

I miss the way you would smile at me, genuine and full of happiness. I miss your hugs that warm me up no matter how cold it was. I miss the way you talk to me, confident, and full of enthusiasm. I miss the way you make me feel special and one of a kind.

I miss...I miss you.

Now that you're dating her, I'm heartbroken but I'm happy. I'm happy that you finally found love. I'm happy that maybe you finally found someone to marry in the future. I'm happy because you're happy.

I know I can't change that but if you need someone, I'm right here, like you were there for me. And before these last 2 months of high school ends, I just want to say that I'll miss you so much and I hope you have an amazing life. You're still my best friend and forever will be.

Always remember that I will love you until my last breath, even if you don't love me back.

You're best friend,
Xavy

Days went by without a reply. I knew he wasn't going to reply but I still expected one. I just wanted my best friend back. Every single day that passed by, it felt longer and longer until it felt like a year for a day to end.

I tried to push away my thoughts and feelings but they were too strong. Too strong for my weak heart. I tried to distract myself but there was no use. My mind was full of thoughts and memories of ZanZan and I. Heart, filled with feelings I can't change. Life, now filled with sadness.

A month passed by and graduation was nearing. Students are making the most of their remaining days of high school. Spending time with their best friends, going out with their lovers. I could only dream of those things.

When ZanZan and I would pass by each other, he would only glance at me while I try to give him a smile. I tried to spending time with my close friends but it's never going to be the same without him. I would cry myself to sleep, thinking about the days we spent together. All the sleepovers we had, all the video games we played, all the moments we spent together.

Graduation came, still no reply. I guess this is it. This is probably the last time I'll see my best friend. I walked to the stage to get my diploma, trying not to show my sadness.

The ceremony finished and I walked to my parents. I passed by ZanZan, giving him one last smile. I just wanted to cling onto him and cry my heart out. I looked at him one last time and uttered a 'goodbye' before leaving.

"Congratulations honey, we're so proud of you!" Said my mom with a wide smile. She probably noticed the fake smile I was giving them.

"Is there something wrong, honey?" She asked.

"No, I'm fine," I said as I shook my head.

"Can I just congratulate Chrissy?" I asked as I glanced at her with her parents. They nod their heads and I quickly walked to Chrissy, one of my close friends.

"Congratulations Xavier!" She hugged me. I smile at her and congratulated her back.

________________________________

A week has passed since graduation and my mind was still adjusting to the fact that I might never see my best friend. Alone, I went to ZanZan and I's spot at the park to revisit our childhood.

We used to have a secret spot at the park where we would always hang out after school. It was a tree at the furthest point of the park. We carved 'Xavy & ZanZan's Secret Spot' on the tree. I smiled as I let my fingers feel the carving on the tree as memories flooded my mind.

I remember ZanZan always putting my name first on everything that had our names. It was always 'Xavy & ZanZan', never 'ZanZan & Xavy'. I asked him why and he answered

"Cause you're my number one best friend and number one is always first."

I smiled at the thought. I sat down behind the tree and looked up at the sky. I saw a heart-shaped cloud then remembered the heart-shaped time capsule we buried.

I looked for where we buried it and found it but it looked like it was newly dug up. I also saw a shovel near it. I quickly took it and dug up the dirt. I finally reached the capsule and took it back to our secret spot.

I opened it to see our old photos together. I also saw the friendship bracelets we made back when we first met. There were more things in it but the one thing that caught my eye was an envelope. It looked like it was still new. I took it out and opened it to see a letter from ZanZan. I immediately light up and read the letter.

Dear Xavy,

I remember everything.

I remember the first time we talked at the playground. You were the new kid that no one talked to. All the other kids seemed to hate you, but I didn't.

I saw something in you that made me interested to talk to you. Actually, there was a lot, but the one thing that stood out was:

'That boy is cute'

I, myself, didn't even understand why. I don't know if it was your eyes or if it was your smile which I only saw once. I just knew you were cute. Meeting you is easily the best thing that has ever happened to me to this day.

I remember the day you came out. I have always known you were gay. I just didn't say anything. Kids started to pick on you because of who you are which angered me.

I didn't like seeing you sad and weak so I did my best to stand up for you. I didn't care if people would hate me for standing up for you or that I would get in trouble. All I cared about was making you happy again.

And I remember the day I gave you that ring. I have been saving my money since middle school started. I tried to not spend my allowance and birthday money which was really difficult but I know that it will all pay off. Seeing you happy will always be the best thing in this universe.

You have been complaining about how ugly you are and how no one would want to marry you or like you which always makes me laugh. You know why? It's because you're far from ugly and someone already likes you and that was me. That's why I decided to give you that ring and note.

I didn't tell you I liked you because I was scared. I was scared that I might ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me. I didn't want to lose you so I tried my best to remove all my feelings for you.

It was extremely hard and seeing you every day with your smile and cheery self only made it harder than it already is. Then, senior year came and I got a girlfriend.

I thought getting a girlfriend would help me get rid of my feelings for you and it seemed to work. I slowly fell in love with her and lost my feelings for you, or so I thought.

We went without talking for months but I didn't realize it until I saw your face when I accidentally called you by your name. I saw your hurt eyes and I just wanted to hug you tightly and say sorry for everything I have done but you walked away so quickly that I didn't have a chance.

That's when I knew I didn't lose my feelings for you, they were just buried under feelings of a girl that hated you.

I broke up with my girlfriend shortly after that because I knew she wasn't good for me or you and I know who I want, who I love. You.

Then, I felt the pain and betrayal that you experienced when I called you by your name. I'm still heartbroken that you called me by my name but I know it's my fault.

Even after this, you still tried to give me a smile every time we pass by but it was filled with pain. I felt ashamed even looking at you. After breaking your heart, I can't forgive myself for it.

If you're still reading this, I just want to say I miss you so much and I'm so sorry for everything. I hope you find someone who will give you the love that you deserve.

I will always love you.

Love,
ZanZan

Then I heard the familiar deep voice of the person I fell in love with, the person that stayed beside me in my darkest days, my best friend.

"If no one want's to marry you, then I'll marry you"

I turned around and saw my best friend, standing in front of me, holding the heart-shaped ring.

He loves me back.