Chapter 18

Khushi was leaning on the parapet of the balcony when she heard the knock. She didn't lock the door. She knew Arnav would be coming.

"Door is open." She shouted from where she stood.

Arnav insisted on booking a separate room for him. "But we will have late night snacks in your room." Khushi smiled at him knowingly. After the gentleman in Arnav spoke, Khushi realized that in spite of her insistence, if he had booked a single room she would have cursed herself or both sooner or later. Her reckless impulsiveness, the same one that is the reason for her present state in all means, the one that she has been trying to tame ever since she became a mother, was returning with a vengeance. Khushi was happy at least one of them had their head in the right place to avoid further embarrassments.

"They didn't have much choice in unhealthy snacks." Arnav complained even he carried a tray that held a plate of potato wedges, some garlic bread, one piece of chocolate cake, a bottle of cold drink and two empty glasses.

"Maybe they are concerned about customers' digestive issues." she said as she hopped from her place and perched on one of the two empty chairs placed facing the night sky.

"They shouldn't be if they have good acids to clean any sh!t left behind." Arnav tried to look embarrassed at his unsavoury joke, but really he couldn't help the grin spread on his cheeks at coming up with something smut.

Khushi chuckled before she recalled something said to her few years ago and chuckled more until the chuckle remained in her lips unfading and her eyes held a distant look of recollection.

Arnav was wary now. "I know it was a bad joke, but you don't have to make your pretence laugh very obvious."

"Oh!No not at all." Khushi assured. "I was thinking about something someone told me."

Arnav dipped two potato wedges in ketchup and leaned back in his chair. "Well, that doesn't make me feel better, knowing you are thinking about someone else when I am making a fool out of me trying to impress you with my sense of humor."

Khushi laughed as she turned her chair towards right so that she was able to look at Arnav fully.

"Someone once told me that you are comfortable with a person only when you can without embarrassment share joke about sh!t with them."

Arnav scrunched his nose. "That..." he dragged. "That oddly makes sense to me."

Khushi shrugged. "So it means we are comfortable with each other and you don't have to put your undetectable sense of humour to test."

"I am taking personal offense on that statement, Khushi." Arnav said offended. "Have I not made you laugh?"

Khushi made a thoughtful face. "Have you?" Arnav wanted to smile at how carefree and young she looked while making that childlike face, but decided to hold his ground and not to make her conscious.

"You may have." Khushi declared. "But definitely not with your sense of humour."

"Then?"

"I don't know. Maybe just by being who you are."

"Is that a compliment?" asked Arnav suspiciously

"It is."

He smirked. "In that case, you are welcome."

Khushi savoured the setting. There was something very personal and intimate about a hotel room. It gave you the feel of domesticity at the same time there was an aura of scandal that makes your heartbeat rise. Her main reason to insist on staying in a room, albeit in a hotel doing nothing, is that she wanted to play house with Arnav. That must be the silliest idea her mind had conjured in over a decade, but she couldn't help when it was Arnav.

For months Khushi had worked with Arnav in his house in the capacity of house help, yet today it seemed absolutely different when she was making coffee for him. In her mind, Khushi could imagine that they were not two people trying to comprehend the complexities of their relationship, but a couple enjoying the cosiness of each other's presence.

While Khush turned to her left to look at Arnav sitting with his legs folded bread in one hand and phone in another, she can almost imagine this as their house, their room, where they live as a happily married couple. Now, after a long and exhausting week, sitting with each other sharing about their week, workload, funny titbits and then they will go on to discuss their weekend plans like, who will cook Sunday lunch, who will do the laundry, whose turn it is to select movie for the week. Even the thoughts of such a life felt so good that it sent a chill current inside her body making her lose her grip on the coffee cup.

"Are you okay there?" she heard Arnav ask concerned.

"Yeah!" she said wiping the coffee spill as she began to pour another cup.

The little act of delusion that Khushi built in her mind felt so real to her. She wanted to imbibe every bit of it until each and every cell of her body reminds forever how it felt when she and Arnav were together in their modest room playing a couple.

As Khushi walked back to the balcony, she wondered if Arnav could read her thoughts now, will he think she is silly or creepy or plain crazy.

"You have no idea of sleeping, do you?" Arnav asked as she took his coffee from Khushi.

She didn't want to sleep even if this night continued for an eternity.

Khushi cleared the empty plates and cups from the small table in front of them before she stretched her leg on the table to make herself comfortable.

"If we could experience something paranormal now, that would make this night more memorable."

Arnav was not paying attention to what Khushi was saying about ghosts and hotel rooms. His whole concentration was used in holding himself back from placing his leg on the table beside Khushi's and play footsie with her. As much as juvenile it sounded such acts of simple physical intimacy with Khushi felt more tempting to him than kiss or more.

This whole set up seemed to allure him in a way that he wasn't used to. He saw Khushi in a different light. With her hair messily held together with a clip, her eyes puffy with lack of sleep yet glowing, her earrings and bangles were gone placed somewhere near my wallet and keys, her cheeks naturally pink as she is talking about something with excitement, everything made her look more beautiful that his heart hurt badly.

What would he not give to make this an everyday occurrence in his life?

"Can we hold hands?"

Arnav was thinking it. He didn't mean to say it. In fact, he didn't know he had said it out loud until he saw Khushi gaping at him. Panick stuck him and before he could justify his slip of tongue and apologize, Khushi's hand reached for his over the handle of his chair and held it.

Both their eyes were glued to their entwined hands that seemed to have a mind of their own. Khushi's index finger touched and tapped tips of Arnav's all fingers, while Arnav's wrist softly rubbed the skin web that connected her thumb with rest of the fingers.

"My hands aren't soft." Khushi said. They couldn't be after all the hard work they have endured in her line of her work.

"They are perfect." Arnav assured. He took her hand to his mouth, all the while his eyes fixed on her face to gauge her expression. When he was sure that she was not uncomfortable, he placed a soft lingering kiss on the back of her palm.

Once Arnav lowered their hands, Khushi deemed it her turn to repeat the act. She took their entwined hands near her lips. But, like Arnav's, her kiss wasn't quick. She with her free hand caressed his hand from fingers to wrist where she could even feel the rough hands of his arms. She then lowered her face and touched her cheeks to his hand before she placed a slow, long kiss on his knuckles.

Arnav let out a huge heave of air that he didn't even know he was holding. Her single kiss undid him like even sex hasn't. To even imagine what it would feel like to be in bed with her seemed far beyond his capability. All he knew is that this woman had the power to break him just with the twitch of her lips.

"Do you think this will be the same even after we become constant fixtures in each other's lives?" Khushi asked after a moment of life.

Arnav knew what she meant by this, yet he took his sweet time to answer.

"I married twice thinking that love is a wine that age well with time and you know how it ended. So, you shouldn't be asking me that question if you don't want a reality check."

Khushi anyway was given one.

Teenage Khushi who weaved dreams of hearts and flowers and happily ever after made reappearance and was contrived her to hope for the impossible again. She should know better than thinking that Arnav will be interested in playing her silly fantasies of 'family'. She always knew that he is not going to take the one step that will force her take thousand steps towards him, commitment. She is not going to be a wine in life, but fake fruit juice that comes with expiry date. That is why she wanted this week with him. Before either of them got over this novel feeling, she wanted to build a life for them in her mind as a couple that she was revisit as many time as she wants. This handholding in the darkness of the night is probably the most intimacy they are going to get together in this life.

Arnav felt Khushi stiffen. He might have just ruined their beautiful moment by being his cynical self. But, he didn't leave her hand, in fact, he only tightened it more. Even after the romance sensation is gone, he still wants to hold her hand if it means supporting her and assuring her that he will always be there for her.

"I guess you are right." Khushi said. "If we become a thing, I don't think it will stay this way between us forever. You new post requires more dedication to work. I will start college in July. So, definitely my hands are going to be full."

"And we will have to coordinate with Vihaan's schedule as well."

Khushi shifted her eyes to Arnav with surprise. No, she hasn't forgotten about Vihaan. She only didn't expect Arnav to remember him. Khushi knew she and Vihaan were a package. So, anyone who wants her will be forced to have Vihaan and vice versa. She would never accuse Arnav of pretending to like Vihaan for her sake, but she will not even expect him to be for Vihaan in her absence. Now, to see that even in such cosy setting, while holding hands with her, Arnav can remember Vihaan and care for his schedule gave a bittersweet feeling to Khushi.

"Do you like Vihaan?"

"Of course, Khushi. I love him. He is such a great kid."

"Would you love him even if he wasn't mine?"

Arnav's answer delayed and Khushi's face fell thinking that her fears might be true after all.

"Without you as a mother, would he be the same sweet, intelligent, well mannered boy?"

"Huh?" Khushi didn't see that coming

"Honestly, I am not a fan of kids. I have hard time with my sister's brats. But, Vihaan is different. He is the way he is because of you, your upbringing. That makes him special."

"So you still like him if he is same way he is but just not my son, right?" she wanted to be sure.

"Yeah. Sure." Arnav said. "In fact, he is just the way that I would have bought up my kid if I had one."

Khushi's heart swells with a mix of pride and another emotion that she didn't know to give name to. She felt really light and happy. Pessimism that surrounded her few minutes ago was gone and she could suddenly not stop smiling.

"You're okay?"

"I think you will be an amazing father."

Arnav looked at Khushi wondering what was going in her mind. She was changing her expressions like a kaleidoscope. "Okkaayyy!" Arnav shrugged. "We will never get to find out that I guess."

It was thirty past four in the morning when Khushi launched herself in bed of of her room. After some minutes of talk, Arnav began to play music in his phone. Khushi and Arnav took turns playing their favourite song for each other. With no time, they both fell asleep in the chair. When Khushi woke up for quick bathroom visit and shifted to bed, she saw Arnav not very comfortable, but in deep sleep on the chair, so she didn't disturb him.

Three hours later, Khushi was woken up from sleep when Arnav's phone ringed relentlessly. She woke up with groggy eyes and looked at his phone. It took her a moment to read that the screen displayed a number and Arnav was still asleep in that uncomfortable chair so hadn't heard the call.

Even in her sleepy state, she knew she couldn't pick his phone without creating suspicion. So, she woke him.

"You have three missed calls."

Khushi had washed her face and was now standing in front of the mirror brushing her hair, when she looked at Arna's panic stricken face stare at her in the reflection. Holding a bobby pin between her lips, she raised her eyebrows in question.

"We have to go." He said. "Immediately."

*** 

Chapter 19

Khushi was lying on her bed playing with strands of her hair absentminded. She had an early dinner of instant noodles with egg that day. Though sleep has eluded her, much like other nights of the week, she found herself lying on the bed ideally rather than surfing through the internet for best PG programs.

Khushi wondered how this night would have been spent in the hypothetical universe where her courtship week with Arnav was not cut short by his mother falling ill suddenly. Arnav didn't seem the romantic type and Khushi was only more concerned about making memories rather that how they made it. So perhaps they must have ended up in a restaurant or Khushi could have even cooked for him at his place. Would they have returned from the impromptu drive and hotel stay already? It was still Sunday after all. Could they have spent two more nights in each other's proximity and not broke the no sleeping together rule?

Khushi has been celibate ever since she found out that she was pregnant. Her life was thrown with one challenge after another that she never really had time to think of pleasures of the body. Even now Khushi didn't think about it with vivid eagerness. It was more a fleeting thought whenever images of kiss on the hand played in her mind.

Does it make her a s!ut if she conjures images of her and Arnav in the throes of passion?

It was easier when she was a teenager with less morals and even less ethics. God knows she was one curious rat when it came to sex. After all the complications that balled up her life, sex seemed like the most over hyped phenomena. Few months ago, she couldn't think about sex without scrunching her nose in distaste because of all the suggestive eyes and leering words that was carelessly thrown at her only because she was a young, single mother. Even few days ago, nothing she felt for Arnav seemed remotely close to lustful. Yes, he was attractive and she experienced the butterfly in stomach moments like a naiveté. But, nothing really felt sexual. Now, however, Khushi couldn't stop imagining the look or feel of his lips. Then there was this one dream that she had unexpectedly when she was taking a nap in the afternoon.

It was not explicit enough to unnerve Khushi. She might even call it sweet. The scene was hazy as if someone has applied a photo filter to her dreams. She was lying on the bed on her side with Arnav's arm thrown over her waist carelessly. Her dream brain knows that it was wee hours of the morning after an exhausting night of passion and they both were naked under the sheets. It was as if some parts of dream were fast forwarded, because next thing Khushi saw was Arnav hovering over her kissing her throat while she was glowing with a smile on her face. The dream didn't visualize the part where his hand was on her bare waist, but her dream brain knew what he was doing. Khushi saw a naughty glint in his eyes and knowing smirk, something she has never seen in Arnav's face in real life. A complete product of her imagination, but it felt so apt. There was a feeling of his hands going south from her waist. That is when Khushi woke up startled. Breathing heavily with quick heartbeats and throbbing in that part of the body that she has almost declared apathetic, Khushi realized that she was deeper in her feelings for Arnav than she realized.

Khushi kept staring at the wall for hours together thinking about everything and nothing that involved Arnav and her. She was thankful that Vihaan wasn't here to see this disoriented side of his mother.

Initially Khushi was sold to the idea that Karma was the reason why her week with Arnav was spoiled. She became a selfish mother by sending Vihaan away for a week to spend time with Arnav and it was God's way of reprimanding her for it. Thankfully her everyday phone call with Vihaan and his 'I am having best time of my life' sentence managed to lessen the guilt.

Khushi turned in her bed and moved closer to the window to look how the moonless night was illuminated with the artificial lights. How will this night change if Arnav was by her side?

Arnav would have started by saying some fact about moon and sky. Then he would have shared a childhood anecdote, before he involves her in the conversation and let her speak whatever she wants without fear of judgements. He had a way of making her feel less conscious in his presence. She can be whoever she wants, she can say anything she thinks and he will not judge her. Arnav is the most sensitive and considerate man she has seen after her father. Was he the same way with his wives?

Khushi didn't like thinking about his ex-wives. They were part of his life when she didn't even know him. So, nothing about them can bother her on personal front. However, she was angry on his behalf. They both had played a number on him. If they hadn't left such deep scars on him, maybe he would be more willing to consider a life with her.

Khushi sighed heavily. How will her life be if she married Arnav Singh Raizada?

She already knows more about him than any married couple could boast and vice versa. She knows his quirks, he knows her obsessions. They will not be like a newly married couple who frown while discovering new things about each other. They will be like an old couple who smirk and roll eyes at each other's annoying habits.

Khushi laughed at the image her mind conjured them as married couple.

Then there is Vihaan, of course.

Khushi's heart warmed recollecting how Arnav admitted to liking Vihaan for the kind and smart boy that he is. Khushi knew all about men warming up to Vihaan in hope of getting into her pants. She knew Arnav wasn't that kind. Those tricks were beneath him. He truly cared about Vihaan.

Will Arnav and Vihaan share a father son bond if ever....

Khushi's mind pushed in front an image of Arnav and Vihaan working on presentation together. Her heart clenched with so much happiness that it pained her.

If her life could be all this, then she surely will die of happiness.

The week didn't go the way they planned. However, Khushi was going to indulge in unapologetic fantasy not worrying about hurting her own fragile heart with all the hope she is giving it. This week was meant to be spent in the name of their togetherness and Khushi was going to fulfil it.

Closing her eyes, Khushi imagined his eyes and lips and smile before she fell into slow slumber hoping her dreams gave her a life that she cannot even hope for.

***

Khushi was in half mind to stop the cab that just now dropped her and go back home. Her decision to come visit Arnav's mother, Radha, after knowing she was bought from their hometown for treatment for heart problem in city hospital was well thought about. Yet, now, standing in front of the hospital, Khushi felt nervous.

Last time when Khushi met Radha, she was only an unassuming house help. Now, Khushi had lived a life, albeit in dreams, as wife of her son even going as far as giving Radha two grandchildren. If Khushi could stand in front of Radha without shivering like a mischievous kid in Principal room, it will be her biggest achievement.

"Khushi." Arnav walked around the rows of chairs meant for out-patients before he joined Khushi near the main door.

Khushi had already informed him that she was going to visit his mom at hospital. Now that he has seen her there is no excuse or going back.

"Hey!" He tried to smile seeing her, but it didn't reach his eyes. He looked completely exhausted. For the past five days, he must have been in complete distress with his mom's pain shooting up to extent of needing immediate intensive medical care. He only contacted her twice. Once to let her know that he has reached his hometown and second time to let her know he was back in the city for his mother's operation. He probably hadn't even shaved since last Friday.

When Khushi called him in the afternoon to enquire after his mother's health, listening to his worn out voice, Khushi couldn't help but commit to visit his mother. Truly all she wanted was to support him, be there for him. His distraught tone hurt her like she never expected. She just wanted to see him and assure him and herself that everything is going to be alright.

Khushi's steps fell behind Arnav as they walked to the room where his mom was resting after the surgery. Arnav informed her that his mom was fine now and the doctors hoped that she could be discharged in couple of days. Khushi nodded distracted all the while wondering how his mother was going to react seeing her. Has Arnav ever mentioned to his mother that Khushi is more than his ex house help? Will she think it is presumptuous of Khushi to come to hospital to see her?

"Khushi, where are you lost?" Arnav has stopped in his strides and was now looking at Khushi concerned. "Are you okay?"

Khushi nodded her head wetting her lips. "Yeah." She whispered inaudibly.

"Anyway, thanks for coming, Khushi." He said taking Khushi's hand in his. "It means a lot. The past few days have been..." he exhaled loudly. He didn't bother to finish the sentence, but Khushi understood.

He looked behind him at the closed door of the room, probably where his mother was. "Mom is a bit cranky." He turned to look at her with lips pressed together. "Don't mind if she says anything inappropriate."

That definitely didn't calm Khushi's nerves. No backing now, though. So, Khushi braced herself and entered the room with Arnav.

Radha was nothing what Khushi expected her to be. Signs of pain and fatigue were certainly visible in her languid body, but her eyes were bright and her words were swift with glee. Khushi knew the reason could neither be her or even Arnav for that matter. She placed the bets on the third person in the room. A tall, dusky, brown eyed woman in her late twenties, who was introduced to Khushi as Lavanya, who kept addressing Radha as 'auntyji' and who kept throwing shy smiles at Arnav.

"It was very kind of you to visit me." Radha smiled." What was your name again?"

"Khushi..."

"Ah! Yes." Radha said but Khushi was sure she didn't remember her name.

While Khushi was trying not to make her interest in Lavanya obvious by staring at her openly, Radha was busy telling Lavanya all about the building Arnav lived and how there will be no problem in finding maid in such posh locality.

Khushi's eyes fleeted to Arnav for a minute who was reading something sincerely from Doctor's report. Sensing her eyes on him, he lifted his head and flashed her small smile before going back to reports.

A bile rose in Khushi's stomach and she suddenly had a foreboding feeling. She didn't know how to explain the feeling of uneasiness she felt.

"Mom, I am going to nurse's station to inform about the IV drips ending." Arnav nodded at Khushi before he went out.

Khushi turned her complete attention to Radha and Lavanya.

"You should ask Geeta how kids friendly the apartment is." Radha now turned to Khushi who arched her eyebrows in confusion.

"It is Khushi." She said realizing both women were now looking at her for some sort of affirmation about what they were talking.

Radha chuckled breaking the awkward pause. Ignoring Khushi once again, she took Lavanya's hand in hers and smiled.

"I am glad that Arnav agreed to think about marriage with you."

There Radha has said what Khushi has been petrified to hear though a small part of her brain already figured it out.

"See, this, my plight is all because of my worry for him." Radha continued. "If you marry him, I can live in peace knowing you will take care of him."

Khushi slipped away without both the women noticing, not that they would miss her presence.

Reality hits you unconscious when it eventually strikes. Khushi couldn't even breathe even though now she was outside the room in the balcony attached to the floor taking in fresh air.

What did Khushi expect, that her life was some movie where Arnav's mother will look at her and grasp how much she has been pining for her son and ask her hand in marriage? That is the most ridiculous thing. This was real life where even if a mother chooses a divorce or a widow for her two times divorced son, she would want the girl to be in par with their social status. The girl should be educated, well bread, with a family, wealth and if it could be helped, without a kid. Not even in alternate universe will Radha want Arnav to marry Khushi. However, what important question Khushi wanted answer for was, will Arnav ever want to marry someone like Khushi?

"There you are." Khushi wiped a lone tear that has escaped her eyes, before turning to look at Arnav who jogged to her. "I thought you had left."

"I was waiting to say goodbye."

"Let me walk you to the cab."

Arnav was saying about his mother's plight and in between asking about Vihaan and his camp, while Khushi was lost in her thoughts.

"Khushi." He called."Did mom say something?"

Khushi closed her eyes and nodded a no. "She was...just talking about Lavanya."

"Yeah, right." Arnav rolled his eyes before he made his way to vending maching. "Coffee?" he asked. Khushi nodded. She could definitely use some.

"Mom has this weird theory that she is sick because she is worried about me being unmarried and all." He gave a cup to her before taking one for himself. "I don't know what it is with mothers and blackmail. Never do this to Vihaan okay?" Arnav smiled good naturedly. "She thinks solution to her sickness is not medicine, but Lavanya. Crazy." Arnav shook his head.

"So, you thought you could give her peace of mind by agreeing to marry Lavanya."

"Oh! No, definitely not agree. I just told her that I will think about it." Arnav shrugged. "She always wants her way with me. If I am little off guard I might even end up marrying Lavanya."

"How could you, Arnav?" Khushi grinded her teeth so her voice didn't rise. They were now standing in the small garden in front of the hospital that was fairly less crowded, still Khushi didn't want audience to their discussion.

"Excuse me!"

"Just few days ago you told me you like me. You were ready to explore everything under the sun to find an opportunity to be with except agreeing to give me commitment knowing that is the only thing I want from you. You were adamant not even to give that choice a thought. Now, you are telling me you are thinking about marrying someone your mother chose. How dare you?"

"Khushi, please..." Arnav looked up and closed his eyes. "Not a fight again on the grounds of your assumption."

Khushi's lips twitched as she looked at Arnav accusingly.

"My mother there is sick. As a dutiful son, I just told her what she wants to hear, okay? I didn't agree to marry anyone."

"At least you were thinking about it."

"Oh! Come on, Khushi."

"You just now told me you might marry Lavanya if your mother gets more persistent. Are you denying?"

"That was a joke."

"Joke!" Khushi scoffed as she folded her arms over her chest. "Am I a joke to you?"

Arnav cussed kicking the small stone near his foot. He didn't know how he always finds himself in such situation with Khushi.

"You wouldn't even consider a marriage with me, would you?" Khushi alleged. "Why? Because I was a house help? Or I am not well educated? Or I have a son? Why?"

"Khushi you are taking this whole thing completely in different direction. You know how much I like you. Haven't I said it enough times? I adore Vihaan. He is..."

"And yet you wouldn't marry me?"

"I wouldn't marry anyone. Don't you get it?"

"Not even Lavanya?"

"For God's sake, Khushi. I just wanted to please my sick mother even it is just a lie. Now, kill me for trying to be a good son."

Khushi sniffed before wiping her face with hem of her dupatta.

"Our one week is over, Arnav. We lost the chance to spend it together. We both know it can't be postponed. So, what do you want to say?"

Arnav looked at Khushi considering his words. He understood for some reason she was being extra sensitive today and he should be careful with whatever he said.

"Listen, Khushi, I like you. Nothing is going to change that. No Lavanya. No marriage blackmail from mother. Nothing. I can offer you everything but marriage."

Khushi's lips curved a little as if she was expecting him to say only this.

"I just want to know one thing Arnav. If your mother's blackmail persists, she is adamant to get you married, will you consider marriage?"

Arnav thought for a minute before replying. "No."

Arnav could see Khushi's face coloured with disappointment. She looked paler than she already was and his heart broke a little to see her sniff.

"Okay."

Arnav stood in the same place like a statue even minutes after Khushi left the place with single, simple word. He was lost in wondering how to infer whatever transferred between them now. Only the notification from his phone, bought him back to the world. He wouldn't have bothered by it if it wasn't from Khushi.

"I have to tell this to you, Arnav. You deserve to know. I have fallen for you. You have always told me how much you like me, but I have never told you the same, because I think a part of me always knew that I am in love. I respect whatever decision you take for your life. I don't know the depth of your past's scars. I don't know what to say to sooth those scars. I cannot make you to trust me enough to commit with me. Trust should come from within. Last time, in the cafe, when I walked away, I told you it was for Vihaan's sake. Now, today, I am walking away for my sake. I want you, but wholly. Settling for bits and pieces of you is like an insult to my feelings. I can't handle my heart breaking every time knowing you can't be mine in every sense. Maybe this is how it is meant for us. This is what is right for both of us. I love you, Arnav, with my whole heart. Hope someday you love yourself enough to let you live again. Good Bye!"

***

Longest chapter ever.

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