Not so straight way

   Loki was driving a stolen little red Volvo down the countyroads. Having the location of the ranch didn't quite give him the reassurance that he had been hoping for. He was getting closer, yes, but at the same time he never ever felt so far away from Leah. As much as she loved him, cared for him, she would never leave him behind like that. Not a letter, not a word, not even a sign that she is still alive. He could not decide if he was more furious or confused. At least, he felt something else than sorrow, and it had been a long time he only had that in his heart. Maybe it is better this way...
Maybe she will never say anything                 which will explain this, maybe she won't even want to talk to him when he gets there.
   The only thing which he was hoping for was that his rage will fade away when he sees her, maybe he won't want to kill her. He knew he didn't really want to do that... maybe just a little bit.
   He stopped by a motel when it was getting dark. He wasn't disguised anymore, there was no point, nobody followed him. After his little adventure in the FBI headquarters he thought that they would chase him, but they have not done anything. Maybe they realised, no matter how much people they send after him, he will kill them all. They no longer had anything to treath him with, so against a god, they had no chance. When the checking in had been done he went out to a local bar. He had no luggage, no stuff for his trip yet he didn't care for such things. The only thing he needed was a cold glass of whisky and a warm meal.
   The tiny bar was very cosy, there were some neon lights flashing above the small dancefloor and music playing in the background. Yet the most interesting thing in there was the bar counter. He sat down, ordered a few glasses of shots for himself and just sat there. There was nothing to do, Asgard was far away with all of it's entertainment. Loki didn't know this world that well, he only been to Midgard a few times. Never longer than on or two nights, passionate affairs, some alcohol and music, that was all, then he went back to his home. Why would Leah do differently? Asgard was her home aswell. And she knew he was waiting for her. He would wait forever for that laugh, that pretty little smile.
   And who else had a pretty smile? The woman who sat down next to him. Furthermore, she was pretty in her whole appearance. Nice green eyes, white skin, slim figure and a sedustic look on her face. Back in the days, when he was his hedonistic old self, he wouldn't hesitate about a one-night-stand, but since Leah left and she said all those things... All of those things that hurt him a lot because he knew they all were true. He didn't want any messing around anymore. Her smile didn't seem so pretty anymore...
-  Sorry, do you think there is any chance we have met before? - asked the woman, who had a deep, ringing voice
-  I don't think so.
-  I am quite sure about it now. You were... You were at the opening of that fancy restaurant in Rome a few years ago.
-  You must have mistaken me for someone else, ma'am.
-  No, no, I am certain. You wore that black Gucci suit, damn... It looked great on you. It was like...
- Five years ago. I remember now. That was the last time I visited Midg-... the middle region of Italy, yes.
-  It was a one-night-stand, I am not suprised you forgot me.
-  But I am, that you didn't. The thing is, I remember everything I do when I am drunk afterwards. Not a lot of others remember even a single thing. Yet I carry this burden.
-  There is only one way to find out... - she leaned closer and touched the first button on her dress above her chest
-  No need for that, darling, I know you have a chinese dragon tatood on your left breast. I also know your name is Cassandra and that you were great in bed.
-  If I was, it would worth recreating an old memory, don't you think? There is a small motel nearby, if you are interested.
-  Unfortunately, I am not. I am staying there for the night, yes, but by myself. I will buy you a drink anyway, so you can drink for the old memories you may remember. As I said, you have mistaken me for someone else...
- Someone else who calls himself just a stranger and likes to have drunk, rough sex with strangers. - she didn't seem to be amazed  by the drink, she was quite offended instead
- Great sex, you forgot to mention, and passionate kisses. - he leaned closer and put his lips against hers, giving the woman a gentle kiss - Yeah, he was an other man. No excitement from seducing strangers, if you ask me.
   He payed for his drink and for a second one for Cassandra. She didn't say anything, she just sipped her gin tonic while she watched him leave. Strange, she looked like a pathetic little girl who didn't get the doll she wanted. No more pretty smile, huh?
   The room in the motel was small and stinky, furthermore he was bitten multiple times by mosquitos throuhout the night but he waked up with momentum the next morning. He took a shower, put on some new clothes he had bought after the bar last night. Looking in the stained mirror he stated that his apperance still wasn't the same. He was still skinny and weak, he hadn't put on too much before his leave. His driving force wasn't food, it was pure longing and hope. His hair was thin, his face sunken and pale, his skin dry and itchy at the most uncomfortable points of his body. He missed his old body and mind aswell. Maybe they never will be the same. Who knows? If Leah chases him away... He experienced life without her and he promised to himself if it happens again he won't let himself suffer for so long. A jump from a mountain, a little poison, some cuts on his wrists. But Leah won't be with him that way either.
   He was getting closer, but his hands weren't shaking from excitement, rather because he was desperate. He was scared after all the things he said, Leah won't even listen to what he has to say.
-  Why won't you listen to me? - he screamed at her
-  Because you are drunk and you try to lie to me. Now you listen to me, you fool. - Leah was so goddamn calm everytime they had an arguement and it bothered Loki a lot - Even if you cannot remember it now, you definitely had to realize this at some point. Whoreing and getting drunk won't make you happy. It'll never make you happy and you can't lie to yourself, it never did make you happy.
-  I only do it when you are not around, you know.
-  And what? Do you think I won't know if I am not at your door when the women walk in and out? When you finish your first, second... - she counted the bottles around the room - yeah, your sixth bottle of wine? Or you want to blame me for it now? I only care about your wellbeing, that is all I really care about, that you are fine and happy. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, to make you sad, and yet here we are, you are drunk and I am crying again because of you.

-  Damn it Leah, don't act so freaking innocent now. You know me too well to pretend you don't know why I do this. What do you think why do I stop all of this mess when you come back home? I don't have any pain I have to distract myself from when you are here. You are my peace, you are my happiness, you are the only one who was patient enough to look through the distractions I make around myself so no one can hurt me because who truly I am. They can say Thor is a greater warrior and a better prince, they can say that I am a witch, that I am a monster who is always in his rooms because I am kept there in captivity or that I am not sane, that is why I am not capable of my duties. You are the only one who knows that I feel weak, unloved by most of my family and by my people, I am the one who is so much more capable of ruling than Thor and yet I don't even have a chance  because I am what? A few years younger, yeah. Pathetic! I have a lot of fears and anger in me and you are here to make me forget those things.
-  I am not here because I am your servant whos job is to make you feel alright. I chose to be your friend, your company, your support, whatever you want to call it. Do you understand me? I am not chained to you? I have the right to leave anytime.
-  And that is all you do nowadays, isn't it? You leave me so frequently I welcome you back again and again fearing that after a few days you leave me again. I fear losing you...
-  I don't think so...
-  What do you mean?
-  If you say it's making you feel this way, this self-destructive, painful way then I really should go for good. Maybe it would be easier for the both of us to not have the other, to not worry and care too much about the other. Maybe it all was a mistake... It is better for you aswell, don't worry. It is easier to let go someone once than to let go again and again.
   Loki was sitting on a sofa, bending over, burying his face between his hands. He was holding back his tears and it took so much effort his whole face and neck was acheing.
   Leah fell to the ground, her sobbing and heavy breathing got louder and louder. Loki got himself together and managed to sat next to her. But when he tried to take her in his arms, she pushed him away. Pushed him away real hard this time, jumping up and running to the door.
-  You can't leave Leah.
-  Tell me now, my majestic prince, why can't I leave now? Is it because you command me to stay?
-  No, but because this is your home and here is your family.
-  I don't have a family, you fool. And I don't have a home neither. I only have you, and just as much as you need to let me go, I need to let you go aswell. Because I am hurting too, it hurts me to know I can't make you happy, I can't be with you, I can't support you...
-  You can do that things if you stay here Leah, if you chooseto stay with me. You don't have to work anymore and then you can stay here with me. I can give you a comfortable life, nice clothes, a nice house wherever you want it. You can get wathever you want, just say it and you have it from now on.
-  I could have all of this and still I would feel empty and unhappy. I am not what you can have, even though you want me... I am a valkyrie, a warrior, an adventurer, a woman who needs someone to be there for her all the time. You can give me fortune and gold, yes, but you can't give me your freedom, when even you don't have it yourself. And I am tired of being caught up in this cage with you. I can go away yes, but until now I couldn't leave.
-  But I love you, please... I can't loose you... -  Loki couldn't think about anything else, he was hoping to confess later, maybe in the middle of another adventure or a picknik, but on the edge of loosing his other half he no longer cared about such things
   He stood up quickly and ran to Leah, to grab her, to hold her, to dry up her tears, to finally make sure she is his. But as the kick in the stomach the recognition came unexpectedly.
-  And I love you too. I always have loved you, all this time. Yet this is the point where I say I had enough. You can't have me, I am hurt and broken just as much as you, but the difference is that I have a chance to escape. You want me and you can't have me. And I wanted you and always knew I could never have you. There was no hope, yet there were you. It was just you... Always... Just your company made it worth suffering in the knowledge that I will never get what I have always wanted. If you truly have some good feeling left in you towards me you let me go now and never search for me ever. We both suffered enough, I want to believe that if we separate we will find happiness... some kind of happiness, at least. I want you to have the happiest life that you can imagine and I have no other option, and I don't want any other option anymore.
   As she walked out of the door, Loki tried to get up again after falling, but he had no power left in his body. He couldn't even make a sound.
   And I wanted you and always knew I could never have you.