The Bitter Love-Song I

1993

Kid had been stalling for the better part of three hours. The little shop and apartment just above that once gave him so much comfort to hide away in, now left him stunted, unable to push forward. Sitting in his car listening to the radio, he didn't know why he was there. She was a girl... just like all the others, somehow though they faded behind her. He questioned the point of even making it this far, questioned their memories that incessantly played over in his mind. Trying to make excuses for his emotions, he found a million reasons to leave. But then he would remember the brightness of her smile, the softness in her voice, the gentle way she would curl into his lap, her body always perfectly fitting into his, those memories it seemed gave him even more reasons to stay.

After another rotation of Brothers Johnson's Strawberry Letter 23, he knew he had to see her. He hadn't heard that song in years, now it seemed to be the only one they played. That song was one of Athina's favorites, the lyrics melding so succinctly with poetry, painting a picture of love... of yearning. They had once laughingly argued the difference between the two, lines and lyrics. Kid defended his stance stating that once music was put to words they became lyrics, but Athina said poetry had a beat of its own so inherently had its own music. Both sides seemed to win the argument as it ended with her whispering lust-filled lines to him as each sweet stroke followed within the perfect rhythm of iambic pentameter.

Finally finding resolve he opened the car door, but he wasn't ready to face the unknown, finding it far safer to replay old memories. His heel scuffed the curb as he rounded the corner of the store, ducking into the darkness of an alleyway. The wrought iron of the fire escape, the slight smell of moisture on the crumbling bricks, he had known this well. It had once only housed her motorcycle, now in its place sat a faded silver Volvo. He would have questioned if it belonged to Athina, but the kitschy stickers plastered all over the bumper let him know exactly who it belonged to. Looking up he checked as he always did, even when the Glam Slam was merely blocks away. Her window as always... closed. He remembered the sound of the pane as he slammed it shut, the last time he left her. That hollow thud as the glass slightly shook beneath the forcefulness. She had never opened it again, he thought this time would be different, but he was wrong.

Kid's fingers traced the uneven lines of dried paint that dripped down the mortar. They had once created something so beautiful, their prose mixing in color against the dull brick surface, breathing life into dreary surroundings. In his anger he wanted to destroy everything and before jumping down the ladder, he splattered paint onto their work, effectively erasing any memory of him. She hadn't tried to fix it, or paint over it, it sat damaged, faded like the scarring of an old wound. Finding the word joy, he remembered how that single word stained green on the porcelain basin of her tub. Her limbs gripped so tightly around the edge as she lost herself in the exact euphoria of that word, her thighs shuddering against him. He wondered if it stayed like a faint dream, or if it had eventually worn away with time.

Slipping on his sunglasses he let his palm warm against the brass handle of her shop door, as if bracing for reality. The large glass panes of her store front had now been frosted, no longer allowing the neon from the neighboring shops to peek inside. There was only one change to the small sign blazed in electric blue as it now read... Between the Lines Book Emporium and More, the two-word addition, nondescript almost an afterthought. He wondered the meaning of 'and more'. But the moment he opened the door he understood completely. Gone were the four meagre rows of bookshelves; gone were the two lonely seats pressed against the wall. The once tiny space he remembered chasing Athina around, finding her as quickly as he found the other side, was now huge. Her little shop had tripled, even quadrupled in size taking over her neighboring businesses, walls demolished in between. The bakery and the record store now all seemed to be a piece of her's, encompassing a perfect business model. His stomach tensed at the crowded space not expecting it. He should have though, she often spoke of wanting to expand, needing more room. She wanted to own the record store just beyond the bakery, but the only dream of a future at the time he accepted was the one with him in it. Trying often to convince her that her store was nothing and she needed to follow him. That the door to her paper cage was open and she could easily fly away.

Kid tucked into a shadowed corner seat trying to stay as discreet as possible. This had never been his plan; he wasn't prepared for this outcome. Strolling through her door like he had the first time, using her journal as leverage to gain further entry. That was his plan, replaying an old memory in the present hoping she would remember. They had once crafted their small world so perfectly between them, now it seemed she had let the outside in, and he was scared there wasn't room for him anymore. Maybe he was mistaken as he had been with so many things, maybe this wasn't even hers. But the corner of his eye caught the reflection of a familiar glass display case. It seemed out of place, the bright big newness of everything contrasted with its ornate Victorian lines. He remembered that case well, there were more comfortable seating options, but he always found her there, writing, reading, legs sprawled against the coolness of glass, countless times with him in between. She had always been sentimental, of course she would have kept it. Though he wondered if it held other memories, and it wasn't just his she kept it for. Scanning the space, he desperately tried to find her, wanting to keep any advantage he thought he had. He couldn't believe this was her shitty little shop, so quiet you could almost hear the edges of paper softly slipping against each other. Now it brimmed with so much energy you could barely hear yourself think above the current.

Lazily tracing the name 'Bake It Easy' on a paper napkin, he thought to the bakery he currently hid in. She had taunted him with the baker next door. Making it clear Kid wasn't the only pretty boy that grabbed her attention, though he was the only one able to hold it. He wondered if she owned him now too. If they had made a pie, before or after they fucked but knowing Athina probably during. Jealousy no matter how far removed still gripped him. He wanted to know how many more lovers she had added to her journals. If she still wrote of him, compared others against him... or even if she thought about him at all. As always, he was captivated by her, her words and he would read every single entry into her life she would allow him too. The fragrant honeyed scent of pastries permeated the air around him, bringing with it the bitterness of regret...

"It tastes sweeter from your lips anyway." Athina whispered softly as her tongue delicately wiped away the remnants of a cookie he had just finished eating. They were supposed to split it, but he was never good at sharing, he wondered if he'd ever be. Letting another memory pull forward he tried to drown out the bustling chatter around him.

Again, she had begun to feel claustrophobic, and he wondered if it was him that made her feel this way. Her bed had been their home for days, sheets laid in piles around it, never finding their way back on once they had slid off. She needed a different space to share her secrets, not yet ready to leave the illusion of their Elysium dream. Cushions, pillows, and blankets had made the perfect fort for them in front of her deconstructed couch. The soft tufting of a Persian rug the only padding against glossy wood floors, but he knew eventually they would make it back to the quilted top of her single mattress. Though this little vacation had become his favorite. He always held her too tight, never seeming to get close enough. He knew it made her uneasy, beginning to feel her body tense beneath his when she was getting ready to break from his hold. Recently, she never seemed to want to wiggle free, allowing him to press against her as deeply as he wanted. She would say it was the cold, but he knew she could feel time looming, they both did. His big world outside scared her, and he was too stubborn to admit her world inside was too small to include him. So, they pretended, creating a new one that fit them both perfectly.

Lying in the early morning stillness of her apartment, Kid mentally filtered through multiple conversations. Playing each situation over trying to find the perfect one... the one she would say yes too. "You've got nothing left A... may as well.", that phrase wasn't it. Shaking his head as if to erase it from his memory he continued. "What, you used to do it all the time...", absolutely not either. He felt her body shift as it lay on his. Athina always wore his shirt, now she would wear it even when he was in it.

"Are you sleeping?" Her groggy voice whispered from the dark void beneath his collar.

"Nope, can't sleep."

A mass of curls pushed forward. Like a little turtle popping out of its shell, her face came into view, free of the fabric she was hiding in. Eyes still refusing to open, her lips reached for his within the darkness. He couldn't help but smile into her mouth as it finally found his.

"Is it cause me?"

"What?" He asked breathlessly, afraid she had heard him, and just lost any chance of bringing her back with him.

"Am I uncomfortable?" The syllables slow and uneven as she tried to fight back sleep. Her body began to slip off his.

"No... never." Grasping her tighter against him she stilled.

"Good, cause you feel so...Mmmmm." In that moment her words failed her, only left with a sound to describe him. "Can I stay?"

"Yes."

"Forever?" Athina mumbled before tucking her head back under his shirt. Nestling her cheek into the solace of his chest, she loved listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat reminding her of a lullaby as she drifted back to sleep.

"Forever." Kid reassured her. 'Forever' she had finally given him that word. Though she was barely coherent, he was going to take it, that was the greenlight he was looking for. Returning to his solo discussion he waded through all the noise, the doubts that distorted his mind. 'A, I'm not finished holding you yet. Come with me, back to L.A. It doesn't have to be forever... I just need a little more time.' They desperately clung to every moment they could, not knowing which would be their last. He just wanted more, needed more... always more. Tucking the edges of a blanket around Athina he soaked in the textures of her body, the softness of skin, the weight of the curve of a thigh, the biting ridge of a hip bone or ankle. He could feel her nose scrunch slightly as she began to snore. He wasn't ready to give any of it up, not yet. She had been an unexpected detour that somehow ended up feeling more like home. His mind finally cleared of one obstacle he was able to let sleep take its hold.

"Good morning." The sweetness of her voice beckoned him awake as if luring him from one dream to the next. Lids barely given the chance to flutter open before his lips hungrily searched to find hers. He devoured her the moment he made contact, it felt like ages since they had touched.

"Morning." Kid didn't know what time it was, but if she wanted it to be morning then it would be. His body fell back heavily against a mass of pillows, finally finding the strength he opened his eyes. Fixating on her straddling his figure, the oversized shoulders of his coat bunched as she leaned forward. Giving a perfect view of the supple flesh that taunted him just behind the shadows of worn fabric. Sunlight danced through the spirals of her hair giving her a halo against the saturation of sunrise. She was an angel, his angel. Kid reached underneath his coat and watched as her gentle smile grew wide the moment her skin met the palm of his hand.

"I've got a surprise for you." In one swift motion Kid's shirt was off and flung into an unseen corner, roughly he pulled her thighs tighter against him, her body slipping forward. "No not that, I mean, not yet anyway." Athina giggled as she tried to steady herself. "I still have a few of those surprises left." Her fingers trailed the patch of fur lining his sternum, she always loved the heat that hid there. Trying not to lose focus she dug into the large pockets of his coat to fish out a paper wrapper. "See a surprise." She presented her treasure with so much enthusiasm to him.

He watched as she scoured through the couch the day before until she had found exactly two dollars and thirty-five cents in change. At the time he didn't know what she needed it for, barely enough to cover the cost for a couple cans of soup. But then he recognized the wrapper, it was from the bakery next door.

"Oh, you see your little baker boy?" Flicking the length of dark hair from his eyes, his brows arched toward Athina. The seduction was so transparent, and she fell for it instantly, hips beginning to make small involuntary motions against his in anticipation.

"Yeah, he gave me a cookie."

"You give him yours?"

"Ohhh, sure while you were over here sleeping." Rolling her eyes at the accusation, jealousy always seemed to sway him even in jest. He was joking, but there was a small part that wondered if it was the truth. She hated that part of him. "See what happens when you leave me unattended." Any pull he had moments before was completely stripped away by his words. "He did have a request though."

"Really?" His stoic voice told her everything.

"Yep, he asked us to turn the TV down... we're disturbing their souffles." Athina let out a huff unable to hold back her laugh until she realized she was the only one laughing.

"But we haven't been watching TV." Clearly Kid was lost in the conversation.

"I know, we've been busy. Still been pretty loud though." Her eyes widened hoping he would finally catch on. Placing the chocolate chip cookie in her mouth it stifled any giggles that tried to escape.

"Funny, last time I tried to turn your volume down you bit me." Kid chuckled taking her tightly in his arms he rolled her beneath him. "That cookie seems to be working pretty good though." In three large bites it disappeared into his mouth leaving only the rounded edge she was grasping between her teeth. Swallowing quickly disappointment washed over her realizing that was all she was going to get.

"Hey, we were supposed to share." Athina whined through the pout that began to form. They had been surviving on cereal the last few days and the chance to have something else was just ripped away.

"Wait, that's it... there's not more?" Taking the bag, he checked just in case.

"I only found enough for one." She had been so excited by the purchase, now she only felt shame, it wasn't enough. In that moment the realization hit her, what she had to offer would never be enough. "I'm sorry... I wish I could give you more." She had given him everything she had but knew her sheets would never be as soft as the satin ones that adorned his bed, her ancient piano never quite as in tune as the excess of instruments in his studio, the view from her window never a luxury... the lies they told each other were so easy to believe... she knew she couldn't keep him.

It didn't occur to her that if he had wanted any of those things, he could have had them within a 15-minute bike ride. His hotel sheets were nothing without her in them, over the past two months she had become the only instrument he longed to play, the only view he needed was the one that lie beneath him. Everything he wanted was within these four walls and any second spent away from her was wasted.

"I... you..." He hesitated words disjointed as if missing pieces of the conversation. Wanting her to fill in the spaces like a puzzle, fear of rejection not allowing him to complete the phrase. "Don' t think like that." Giving her reassurance he took her face in his hands, fingers etching the fullness of her lips, it never seemed fair when the outside started to pour in through the cracks. "Athina, you've given me... everything..." Still he wanted more. "What about you? What do you want?"

"Nothing... you... just you." Raising her eyes, she wanted nothing more than to keep the memory of him as he leaned over her, the volume of his hair creating a curtain around her as he moved closer.

"And a cookie?"

"Would have been nice but someone doesn't know how to share." Taking her mouth into his, her tongue searched for the remnants of the sweet bitterness of chocolate.

"I'm still learning."

"It's O.K. It tastes sweeter from your lips anyway." Athina whispered softly as her tongue delicately wiped away the buttery crumbs that lingered.

"Let's go downstairs."

"Noooo." Athina squirmed into the stacked blankets. "I like it here. Let's stay, it's a good place."

"Come on, let's go." Kid began to tug at his coat impatiently.

"Let's stay. It's so comfortable." She didn't care about making any money, she'd probably sell a few books anyway... it could wait. But the comforters could not, so she buried herself deeper.

"Athina." He rumbled, always using her full name when he wanted attention.

"I'll let you watch Batman." Shimming out of his coat she threw it, before ducking back under the covers. Of course, Kid's hand followed suit.

"Tempting but come on."

"I don't wanna open the store today." Athina gave a huff, only wanting to curl up next to him. The security of their fabric fortress to ward off the inevitable.

"Oh no we aren't opening your store. We got some souffles to deflate, outta there." His arms reached through her peek hole, folding around her waist he pulled her from the blankets. Limbs wrapping around his as she bubbled in laughter between kisses.

That familiar big burst echoed within the space; it was no longer just the memory of that sound, as it floated over to his corner. She had never been able to contain it, always letting those full emotions leave her throat, presenting it as a gift to the one who created them for her. His gaze followed instantly trying to catch her through the crowd. He couldn't quite make her out until... there she was... leaning against a table completely absorbed in conversation. His body tensed, heart beginning to race. She was just as beautiful as she'd ever been, her dark curls bounced shorter than before, revealing that tender spot just below the jaw line. He loved that small piece of flesh. How a rosy hue would begin to burn through the golden tone whenever she thought of him, or them. He hoped the timbre of his voice could still bring it out. As she bent down to take their order the slight curve of her ass slipped from the holes in her jeans, the denim so deconstructed he wondered why she wore them all, her skin still called to him. Nymphic tendencies were on full display, the soft gestures, her large eyes set in a coy disguise. He once thought that had been reserved just for him, but it was her, just her. As the sun pierced the window, he swore he could make out the rounded edge of a tawny nipple through the black lace of her top. She probably got a lot of tips, but walking past another server she shoved a wad of cash from a table into her back pocket instead. Of course, she'd give it to her workers. His eyes never leaving her he didn't notice the waitress at his table.

"Can I get you something?" Her chipper voice didn't break the spell, so she repeated it a little louder. "Can I get you something?"

"Yes." The response was an afterthought.

"What do you want?"

"Her." His voice was low, almost inaudible, she couldn't quite make it out. Following his attention; it definitely wasn't on making an order. He was fixed on Athina.

"What?"

"Coffee's fine." Finally breaking free of his hold and remembering to breathe, he turned to her then grabbed the pen out of her hand. Scribbling quickly across the napkin he handed it to her. "Can you give this to Athina for me?"

Taking the thin sheet and her pen back she scanned the note. "Athina? The boss?"

"Yeah, the boss." He gave a slight huff, Athina called boss, the girl he knew would have hated it... now he wasn't so sure.

"She doesn't give out her number you know."

"Don't need it."

"She also doesn't date customers." Apparently, they were also very protective of their boss.

"That's fine. You gonna give it to her or...?" He questioned fingers fanning out as if there was another option.

"Fine... but you're gonna be disappointed."

"Hope not." His words vague, shadowed like the face he shielded underneath the brim of his hat. He watched as the blonde waitress joined Athina towering over her, somehow you could still tell she was the one in charge. Both hesitated staring into his corner trying to make out the figure in a white coat.

"Hey, she said she already told you I don't give out my number... but thought you could be cute under there, so you can have hers if you want." Athina was friendly but reserved, trying to place the figure obscured by layers. Not the first or last time a weirdo came into her shop, and at least this one smelled better.

"No."

"Your little note said we've never met. Are you sure cause... this sounds strange, but I feel..." Her voice lowered almost as if she was too afraid to admit her thoughts. "Do I know you?" Athina tried the place the tiny fragments of features that shown through.

"Not this me?"

"Then, do you know me?" Lazily she began to fill his cup.

"Not this you." Bringing down the rim of his glasses his eyes came into full view, meeting hers. Those wide eyes streaked in amber, rimmed to perfection, she remembered them well. His dark exaggerated lashes fluttered waiting impatiently for her response.

"Oh fuck." The pot of coffee in her hand almost tumbled to the ground, splattering droplets across the table.

Kid steadied her arm. "Just wanted to talk, but if you insist." His tone was deep, flirtatious as his finger reached out to graze against the love line on her palm.

Bitter Love-Song I

No, I shall not say why it is that I love you--
Why do you ask me, save for vanity?
Surely you would not have me, like a mirror,
Say 'yes,--your hair curls darkly back from the temples,
Your mouth has a humorous, tremulous, half-shy sweetness,
Your eyes are April grey. . . with jonquils in them?'
No, if I tell at all, I shall tell in silence . . .
I'll say--my childhood broke through chords of music
--Or were they chords of sun?--wherein fell shadows,
Or silences; I rose through seas of sunlight;
Or sometimes found a darkness stooped above me
With wings of death, and a face of cold clear beauty
I lay in the warm sweet grass on a blue May morning,
My chin in a dandelion, my hands in clover,
And drowsed there like a bee. . . blue days behind me
Stretched like a chain of deep blue pools of magic,
Enchanted, silent, timeless. . . days before me
Murmured of blue-sea mornings, noons of gold,
Green evenings streaked with lilac, bee-starred nights.
Confused soft clouds of music fled above me.

Sharp shafts of music dazzled my eyes and pierced me.
I ran and turned and spun and danced in the sunlight,
Shrank, sometimes, from the freezing silence of beauty,
Or crept once more to the warm white cave of sleep.

Conrad Potter Aiken