KAITLYN

Nobody tells you what to do, when the child you haven't seen for more than a decade shows up at your door. With the man you used to love, shit maybe even the man you still love. I stared at them, my eyes took in the beautiful girl standing in my doorway. Nobody tells you the pain of grieving somebody who is still alive. I also wondered, on those late lonely nights, where she was. Wondered if she saw the same city lights as me. I suppose she had. All I wanted to do, was reach out and hug her, hold her, sob and tell her how sorry i was. But I didn't. Instead we walked down to the courtyard, what passed for it anyway. I knew that I would hear about it from Will when I came back. Afterall, he never wanted those kids. Only the baby, Kiana was his. When Evie asked me, if those kids knew I had felt my heart drop. They didn't. I could lie, and say it was because they were so young, my oldest being seven, or I could be honest. Say I never mentioned her, or Jack to anyone. I left that life behind, left who I used to be behind. Over the years, I realized how horrible I had become. I did what I had too, to keep the kids in school, and my addiction financed. But I was far from who I used to want to people. When I got out of rehab that first time, I had big plans, an apartment, a baby, and another on the way. But that night, all those years ago comes back to haunt me. Because, what if Summer had lived? What if I hadn't lost her. I knew, if I hadn't I'd be in such a different place. But I wasn't. Instead, my baby had died, probably my fault. And instead of going home to Leo, and the daughter that loved me, I had showed up at Alex's house. The rest is history I suppose. I bounced around for a long time, a time in jail, then there was Jayden. We met at a bar, he sold me coke, we ended up hooking up. Then, the days turned to weeks, we dated, I got pregnant, he said he'd stick around. He did, then I went to Jail, gave birth to my daughter Serena and he took her. Court made him get clean, and when I wouldn't.....well, safe to say I haven't seen her in ten years. After her, came Alexander. Truth be told, I never really knew who his dad was. Still don't. Three years after Alexander, came the twins, Aria and Adeline. Their  father was a bouncer at a club. Then six months ago, came Kiara. I wondered how me sixteen years ago would look at me now. What she would think. I never really amounted to much, I mean for God's sakes, I lived with my pimp, who fathered a baby with me. But, Will wasn't so bad. He wasn't kind, but he wasn't mean. He was cld, and indifferent to most things. The money we made, enough to cover the price of the room, and fast food meals,  but mainly, it went to drugs. To Alexander's credit, he raised my children for me, nine years old, and he could cook, clean, take them to the park. He raised Kiana more than I ever did. That's a lot, for a nine year old, but he did it. Perhaps, he'll grow up and resent me for taking away his childhood. I wouldn't blame him, if he did. But now, looking at Evie I sighed. Taking her hand in mine.

"Your so beautiful, you know that? Didn't get that from me." I said softly. She laughed.

"You look like you do in those photos." She tells me, I raise an eyebrow. Maybe its years of drug use but I have no idea what she was talking about. She rifles around in her purse, and pulls four small photos.. She hands them to me, and my heart breaks. One of them, I'm holding her, in the bathroom of a motel Jack and I used to live in. I feel tears in my eyes, we were so young. The both of us, I was only 19, maybe 20.

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Once Will had yelled at me for the third time, I decided I needed to go. I gave Evie the number to my phone, and asked if she wanted to meet me downtown somewhere. She agreed, but couldn't tomorrow, on account of work. As I ascended the stairs, Jack grabbed my arm I turned to him. Evie had her back to us. I looked at him, those piercing blue eyes, the ones he shared with my daughter. My first daughter.

"Kaitlyn." He said, the only thing he'd said this entire time. 

"It's been a while.." He said, brushing a strand of my hair behind my ear. I smiled. The touch, still felt like yesterday. Behind my eyes, flashed those memories, all those years ago, of the choking, the hitting, the violence, when he took a knife to me. I still had the scar. That and the stretch marks across my stomach from Evie, were my only connection to him now. 

"That's an understatement." I replied, my tone soft, and silky.

"Did you miss me?" He asked, and locked eyes with me. He could still read me like it was yesterday. 

"Every night." I told him. I wasn't lying either.