HARRY E. STYLES
October, 2014

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Over the years, I made that bench my own. It had my initials in it, I carved it there with my keys one time. It was kind of the most constant thing in my life, something that always reminded me of the fact that I wasn't truly alone.

I know, it's weird.

Thinking of a bench as something important, something that symbolises that I'm not as lonely as I think I am? Yeah. I may be a fucking weirdo. But at least I had my bench.

I spent one too many nights on that thing, drunk and sober. It held all my thoughts through the conversations I've shared with myself and the trees around me. This park is so much calmer than it is during the day. Which is probably because every sane person is sleeping at night and not having a heart to heart with a bench.

This time around, a bottle of Jack Daniels accompanied me. That was the first thing I saw when I went in the shop so that's what I got. I walked and drank until I got to the park, glad to find my bench empty.

Unlike the last time, I now sat there with my head empty. No thoughts. Just the drink, me and the bench. The trees looked bare, the air was crisp cold and it made my bones shiver. Once the mouth of the bottle touched my lips, the familiar taste of the alcohol overtook the control and became the focus of every one of my senses. Under the bench, I locked my ankles into each other, my thighs apart and flat as I rested the bottle on my knee, holding it around the slim top. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes as I felt the liquid flow down its way until it stopped in my stomach.

I was beginning to get warm and feel less of the cold air. The wind still blew my hair around and carried the leaves that fell from the trees. It smelled of rain and snow, a combination which I loved. It was fresh and never ending, it calmed my mind and thoughts.

Movement against the asphalt and the scent of a person I knew too well. I sighed and took another sip of the alcohol to keep my mouth from moving. I didn't want to talk, nevermind argue over something stupid. Keeping silent was my best option, the only option I wanted. Other than being alone, which was already taken from me.

My intruder sat down next to me without a word. That was new. I think I heard her thoughts, all of them asking the same confused questions—why is this so awkward? What should I do? Should I say something? At least that's what ran through my head.

So, I just passed her the bottle. I knew she had a black hole for a stomach and she was pretty much like a sponge. I knew a sip or two wouldn't hurt her but rather, put out her thirst.

And she took it. Of course, she did. I don't know why I expected her to decline. It was stupid of me to assume she wouldn't take it. I should have prepared for her to not give it back. Because she held onto it. At first, I was ready to fight it but then I didn't care. At least she held it for me, which I had to do since I bought the damn bottle.

And then I was the one to ruin the peace and quiet between us as I took a sip of my JD.

"Why are you here?" that was the least of my concerns, honestly. I didn't care she was there. As much as I personally believed I owned the bench we sat on, it was still public property so technically, she could sit on it.

Regarding my concerns, I was more worried about the state I was in. Mentally, academically, relationship-wise. Fight after fight on top of work and uni, I just found myself not caring. I loved my girlfriend more than anything in this world, but I just couldn't keep up with the constant bickering. It was annoying, like an itch in the middle of my back that I couldn't scratch. It's there and it's difficult to get rid of it. You try and you try until you give up because you either itch it against the door, which requires effort to stand up and do it, or just decide to let it annoy you until it's not there anymore.

I wasn't sure I had the effort in me anymore.

"Well, if you must know, I was just being a decent human being..." she said with a big, dramatic sigh. The words felt familiar, like my tongue could taste them. She copied what I said to her this afternoon. Much to my surprise, she clearly remembered that conversation and it made me smirk. "Decided to see how you were doing."

With the shake of my head, I lifted the bottle and tilted it to hurry some of the liquid in my mouth. It stayed on my tongue for a short while before I swallowed it, the burn followed but I didn't mind it.

I didn't know what to say to that. There was too much to say.

"Gosh," I turned my head as she said that, just to see her looking up and down at me, almost judging the state I was in. Yeah. "How drunk are you?"

"Not drunk enough," I scoffed as I swung the bottle again. I could have two more sips until all of it was gone but the strength of it was already hitting me. I wanted to get up and dance, put some music on to make it better. I wanted to be at a club, prepared for the lights to give me a headache.

I could have had that. But I called my work and told them I didn't feel well so I couldn't go in. I knew it was short notice and my boss would put me on an extra shift next week, I didn't care in the moment.

"Do you have your phone on you?" I asked her. I wanted some music on. No one was here, the park was quite literally empty, and there were no houses too close.

"Why?"

"Put some music on," I told her as I pushed myself up from the bench. Hands on the seat, I counted to three and then I was on my feet. I grabbed the bottle and tugged my jeans up a little bit. "Come on. There is no one here. I want to dance."

"Why didn't you go to a club if you wanted to party so much?" she asked a good question. Very good question. Very unlike Griffin Walker.

"Just put some bloody music on, will you?" I groaned, my feet already moving around and hands hugging the bottle. God. That was really the only good thing that happened to me tonight. Sacking off work and getting pissed on my own on my favourite bench was the best idea I've had this week.

"What do you even like?" she asked. "Why am I even considering this? Fuck you. Go home and make up with Nadine."

"Don't tell me how to be in a relationship," I scoffed. I couldn't believe she'd say that to me. For as long as I've known her, I've never seen her with the same man more than once. I've never seen her with a man. Period. She fucked everyone and then left them. She lived the life and I guess that was fair. But that's exactly why she had no idea what it was like to be in a relationship. "Put music on or leave me alone."

"Well, I just did. As for music, no. As for leaving you alone, also no," she gave an answer to everything I said. I groaned and turned away, slowly walking from my bench. If she won't leave me alone, then I'll leave her alone. "Where are you going?" she asked. I rolled my eyes. She was so annoying. Couldn't stand her voice. Why was she following me?

"Piss off, Griffin."

"Are you gonna go home?"

"Are you gonna go home?"

"I forgot how annoying you are when you are drunk."

"Wanna know something?" I chuckled as I turned around. When I did, she seemed to be much closer to me than anticipated. Oops. So close that I could point my index finger at her and the tip touched her chest. "You don't even need to be drunk to be annoying."

"Great," she brushed off my comment. I knew it didn't affect her. Nothing seemed to get a reaction out of her. I despised that. I wanted that. I wished things wouldn't have affected me so much. She was so lucky. I hated her for that. "Ready to go home?"

"I told you I'm not," I huffed. Going there didn't sound like something that would have made me happy. So, I didn't want that. I wanted to dance.

Which is why I did just that.

"C'mere," I turned around as I reached my right hand out. I held my JD in my left, tightly, so it couldn't have slipped. She gave me the dirtiest look as her eyes focused on my hand and then on my face. I groaned before I walked up to her, took her hand myself and then started dancing around. Whilst she stood there like a fucking tree. "C'monnn."

"Stop it."

"No. Dance!" I tugged on her arm and then twirled her around. She had no choice but to move and I couldn't help but grin. Yep. I was definitely feeling the effect of the drink. "What's your song? Favourite song, I mean."

"I don't have one."

"Bollocks," I said right away. "What about that new Miley one? The ball song. Came in like a wrecking ballll. Never hit so harddd in love," I gave her a dramatic performance. I, myself, loved a song. Especially when I was pissed. And I was on my way there.

Downing a whole bottle was bound to get me buzzed. Especially because I barely had anything to eat all day. Oh, the beauty of an empty stomach and alcohol!

"You are so embarrassing, stop," she squeezed her hand until it was out of my grasp. I pouted and went for the last sip of my drink. Well, I was about to, when I decided to give it to Griffin. "You can find a bin yourself."

"No. Drink it, silly," I pushed the bottle towards her. "Drink it so we can dance."

"Absolutely not," she declared.

But she absolutely did.

Because I made her.

She drank the remaining alcohol and then I put the bottle on the floor so I could grab her hands again. This time, she wasn't as determined to hold back. I swear I even heard her muffle a laugh with a cough and it made me grin. She needed to loosen up, at least for the next five minutes, so I could think of something other than the fight Nadine and I had before I abruptly left the house.

"This is so embarrassing."

"No one is here," I rolled my eyes as I jumped around and moved her hand. Whilst she stood there. Ugh. Why are women so difficult? "Just jump with me. Come on."

"You are mad if you think I'm gonna start jumping with you."

"Stop ruining my fun!"

She didn't answer me but pulled her hands back. My head moved back as I stared at the sky, some stars out and shining so brightly. I wanted to reach up and touch them. Stars were another constant in my life. I never really thought of that until I looked up. Stars are always there. No matter where you are in the world, they are there and you see them and they feel like home. They feel like however you want them to feel like. They give off a familiar feeling, like things and places aren't so different. We are all under the same sky so pretty much the same place. It makes the world seem smaller. That's oddly comforting.

When I looked back, I didn't see Griffin. I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked around. Then I caught her lying on the grass.

"Are you insane?" I screamed. "The grass is wet and there's probably dog shit somewhere."

"Thanks for worrying but I'm fine."

"Ew, get the fuck up. You are embarrassing me."

"Just lay down. Look at the stars. Let the alcohol get out of your system."

"It won't go anywhere if I lay down," I commented. But then I got on my knees, then placed my hands on the grass. Yep. Wet. I felt Griffin's eyes on me as I pulled a face and then her hand hit where my arms were bent and I lost my balance. "Rude!"

"Just lay down already," she mumbled, her hands on her stomach with her fingers laced.

I copied her. Down to how her legs were parted. Then it was quiet between us. Until my mind decided to focus on the way she was breathing and so it became insanely loud, very fast. She was breathing at an odd pace, it wasn't calm but it wasn't so quick, either. It was somewhere in the middle. Weird. Like her.

"Do you know anything about constellations?" she asked. Consolation? What the fuck is that.

"Consolation?"

"Nevermind."

"Do you?"

"Fuck all," she laughed. And it made me smile.

Don't even ask.

My lips just turned upwards and hurt my cheeks as I grinned. It must have been the drink. Nothing else could explain it and I didn't want to bother finding a reason. I didn't want to care. I just wanted to be. Which is why I came to my bench.

"I didn't want to argue with her," I said. For what reason, I wasn't sure. I just talked because that happened when I lost control to the consumed alcohol.

"I'm sure it wasn't your intention but you still did and then you left. Nadine is forgiving so you know you don't need to worry about your relationship ending."

"You are telling me I take her for granted, aren't you?" I asked. I knew I was. I hated it.

"Pretty much."

"You are very honest."

"So I've been told."

I hummed. That's not surprising. From that first day we met, I knew that about her. She'd rather hurt people than lie and I thought that was a great quality. I haven't met a lot of brutally honest people in my life. Sure, Katherine was honest but she still sugar-coated some things when it came to me. I didn't say anything about it, I think it would have been weird to change the way we worked after years of knowing each other.

"I know you love her."

"I do," I replied quietly.

"But she is in love with you."

"I know," that was even quieter than before. The realisation hit me a while back so Griffin telling me this, didn't shock me at all. The way Nadine and I felt about each other was different. There was so much love between us but not the same kind. "What am I meant to do?"

"I thought you didn't want me to tell you how to be in a relationship."

I kept quiet. I did tell her not to do that. She wasn't a part of what I had with Nadine. I wasn't sure why I was making her a part of it. I didn't understand why she was even here. I assumed she'd be with Nads. Then I had to realise that it was probably her, who sent Griffin here. If I left the house after a fight, I never went home. I spent the night elsewhere. I had a couple of other friends from my course who I'd ask and they would let me stay there.

Though, saying that, it was surprising that Griffin went out of her way to somehow find me. My friends usually didn't bother because they knew I needed alone time after a fight to just... be.

"How are you?" I asked. I tried to stir the conversation away from me and my problems. Talking about it just made me sadder. Dealing with this was going to be tough but I knew I had to do it alone to be able to make a sane decision. "You know... your cousin and all."

"I'm fine," she said. Those who said that, lied. I knew that. Everyone knew that. But if she said it, she just didn't want to share it with me. Griffin was honest, so, she would've told me if she wanted to.

Alright, calm down, mate. We get it. You have a PhD in everything Griffin Walker.

"Alright. Let's go," she sat up and then got on her feet. I looked at her as she brushed her clothes off and then moved her hair out of the way as she redid her bun. When I thought she'd leave it, she started messing it up, tugging on the hair and making it look like it did before. I had no idea what the point of that was, but okay. I've never seen Nadine do that. If she put her hair up, she kept it up.

"Where?"

"Well, where do you end up when you're pissed because of a fight with your girl?"

The logical answer would have been on my bench. But we were a little away from the bench, so, that wasn't the answer. Then, she didn't know I went to my friends' place sometimes, so, that wasn't it, either.

The one time I ended up elsewhere, was one summer, when I stumbled across the road and saw her leave work.

"Oh," I said as I realised that's what she meant. She was going to take me back to her place. To the expensive apartment. With the intimidating, minted cousin. "Are you sure?"

"It's not like I have a choice," she shrugged. Eventually, I stood up as well although I swayed as the dizziness shook me. Woah. Perhaps my good old mate Jack was getting to me.

The whole journey to Griffin's place was a blur. I know I sat in a car and I was looking out the window the whole time. We didn't talk but that was probably because we'd done too much of that already. When we arrived at the apartment, I felt my stomach jump because I was a bit nervous. Like I said, her cousin intimidated me and I just suddenly felt like I was intruding his place when he was recovering from getting back from the hospital.

"Have you been to the top?" I asked her. She lived on the third floor and there were two more stops.

"Do you find joy in asking stupid questions?"

"Heyyy," I pouted as I leaned against the side of the lift, my hands gripped the railing behind me. I glanced at myself in the mirror and I looked fucked. Not in the good way, either.

She always left me without a reply. Just hanging there. It was kind of annoying, much like her, because I didn't know what to do with the awkwardness. Yeah. She created such an awkward environment but I couldn't do anything about it. I simply had to suffer through it.

Much like the headache that followed my little drinking session. Although, that was more my fault than anyone else's.