GRIFFIN E. WALKER
October, 2014

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Harry was the biggest dick to ever walk this earth but I already knew that.

Let me explain.

I was home, chilling, trying not to let my emotions overwhelm me as I was busy getting my dissertation proposal done, on top of reading for an essay that was due in three weeks whilst also making sure my cousin didn't overwhelm himself when he was supposed to be on bed rest.

Yeah. I couldn't believe I was worrying over him, either. Biggest twat in the world and yet, my emotional ass worried in case anything happened to him again. Let's not talk about him, though.

Harry Styles.

Biggest dickhead I have ever known.

Wait. No. That makes it sound like I know he's got a big dick which would indicate that I think about him and his cock. Which I do not.

Deep breath.

He is the biggest twat I have ever known.

Better.

Yes. Even bigger than my cousin. My cousin didn't have a choice since I was related to him therefore it made sense that he was like that. Harry on the other hand? He had a choice and he chose to be one.

Simple reason—he made my best friend cry. And when someone makes my best friend cry, I become annoyed. Annoyed turns into angry very fast. Sometimes I go right into angry and that's not good.

Nadine had spent the night at my place. Callum didn't seem to mind. He was in his bedroom for the most part, probably the longest time he spent at home in about a year. Saying that, he did suggest we order an Indian and so we did and had a long chat about life. It was also the first time him and I had a proper chat in, again, a year.

I had uni today. I didn't want to go but I kind of had to, considering I had an essay due and there was still new material we were going through for it. I also haven't been doing too well with keeping up with my work so I made the plan of spending the day at the library. I was off tomorrow so I was fine staying until late so I can actually finish my proposal. That would be one thing off of my very highly stacked to-do list.

Nadine was also going to class today and I was proud of her. She constantly got beaten down by everyone and yet, she managed to put it behind her and get on with life. I told her she was welcome to stay at mine as long as she needed but she declined the offer and said she'll have to go home eventually.

My class was boring. I got some notes from it, hoping that will help me when it comes to writing up the essay, but that was it. After that, I went straight to the library and got my head down. Of course, I kept thinking about the pasta I'd made at home so I had to take a break and inhale the whole box. With my belly full, I put everything I needed closeby and opened a new word document.

I was going to start and finish this proposal. It was only five hundred words although knowing myself, I already knew I would be over that word limit.

As expected, I spent at least an hour looking around the library and going on my phone. I then checked my emails on my laptop and deleted all my unread ones, as if that was a crucial part in achieving my degree. Immense amount of guilt followed this for about ten seconds before a good sentence starter popped in my head and I quickly wrote it down on the document.

Now, I had about five words of the five hundred I needed.

I groaned and hid my face in the palm of my hands then leaned back on the chair. The ceiling here was kind of interesting. Just a white ceiling. But massive squares made it up to accommodate all those wires for the lights and shit. I wondered if someone could hide up there when playing hide and seek. Definitely a top hiding spot, if you ask me.

Once I got over my surroundings, I imagined I would get right to work because there wasn't anything left for me to see. But then I gained a study buddy.

"What do you want?" I asked in a monotone voice, one that indicated clearly that I was back to not wanting to see his face around. Perhaps I did despise him, which sure, required feelings, but I had a lot of those and keeping them locked under this very famous lid was beginning to get to me. I needed to push them into something, get them out of me. Being a dick to Harry Styles seemed like a decent plan.

"Nothing," he scoffed. "Why do you think I need anything from you?"

"You always need something from me," I reminded him. He may have thought of the last time that happened, which was about a week ago in regards to Nadine's birthday party. But actually, I meant all those other times as well.

"Well, if you must know, I was just being a decent human being," he shared as he took a seat on the chair across from me. That, of course, didn't happen until he pulled it out which made me drop my feet from it. Quite rude, if you ask me. "Decided to see how you were doing."

"Why do you care?"

"I don't."

"You make no sense," I squinted as I crossed my arms, leaned back and worked on figuring out what he wanted from me. Simply seeing how I was doing was shady, he didn't care and frankly, it made me feel uncomfortable to even think about him thinking about me. "Ah," I smirked when it came to me that the only reason, he decided to find me was because he had a fight with Nadine. As much as he was a complete wanker, he was in love with my best friend ergo the worry he must have been feeling. "Nadine. You want to know about Nadine."

"I-,"

"Well, maybe if you wouldn't be such a dick to her, when all she needs is someone to love her without all the shit in the middle, you'd know how she's feeling," I said. I was mad because they had some kind of fight and although it was none of my business, what angered me more was that he came to me instead of her. Which he never did before so I was slightly confused. But if my man ever went to my best friend before he came to me, I would be kind of offended. It's not their business but our business, you get me? Don't involve extra people before we can solve it together.

"She didn't come home last night so I assumed she was staying with you."

"Good assumption."

"So, she was?" he pushed. I looked at him and sighed. Annoying. "Griffin."

"I'm ignoring you in hopes of you disappearing."

"Don't you think I'd go away quicker if you just answered me?" he asked a logical question. But this was Harry we're talking about here. He asks one question which then leads into another three and by the time I realise it, he has taken up an hour of my life.

"Yes."

"Yes?" he asked back. God sake.

"She spent the night at mine."

"Do you know where she is now?"

"No."

"Are you saying that because you don't want to tell me or because you don't know?"

"Answer B."

"Any idea where she could be?"

"Class. Shop. Toilet. Home. Crossing the road. Finding herself a better man?" I listed some options. "Who knows? The world is hers to use."

"Ha-ha. Funny, you," he scoffed. It made me grin. He was annoyed therefore today's mission had been completed. "Do you want to come to Nadine's birthday dinner or not?"

"Don't know. Will you go?"

"I'm the one planning the whole thing since you fucked off."

"Didn't answer my question."

"Yes. I'm going."

"Well, then I'll have to decline," I answered.

"Her sisters already cancelled so you have to come. I'll email the info to you when I know more."

I scoffed. "How would you do that?"

Harry tapped the paper that faced him, one that displayed my uni email. I rolled my eyes and exhaled. Great. Now he had a way of contacting me.

"Whatever."

"Oh, and by the way? Wesley thinks you're hot," he tapped the table twice before he got up and left without another word.

I looked after him with my eyebrows furrowed and even more confused than I was before. First of all, that was probably not true. I wasn't hot otherwise I'd have men lining up at my door, trying to get with me. Second of all, he said that so out of the blue and hurriedly that I knew he was trying to get a reaction out of me. For what reason, I didn't know but also, I didn't care enough to give him what he wanted.

Well, not actually, anyway.

My mind kept replaying those words. It bothered me slightly. I mean, sure, I could get people to have sex with me on a night out but the fact that everyone is pissed, makes it much easier. No one in their sober mind would look my way. It works in the dark when you are blinded by alcohol. Your emotions get the better of you, it makes the best of us hornier than we usually are. A night filled with fun is enough to keep us going for a while.

At least, it was enough for me.

I never felt drawn to anyone to the point where I would've been ready to give up my freedom. The freedom of doing whatever I want, of being with whomever I want to be with, of being able to keep to myself.

Time and time again, somehow, everyone around me just showed that when you're in a relationship, you have to tell your partner where you are, what you are doing, why you are not free when they want to see you. They want the best version of you, they want to know everything about you. It's too much of me I feel I'd have to give up.

Too much of me that I haven't yet found. Too much of me that I'm not ready to lose. I'm not sure I ever will be.

Giving myself away would require vulnerability. It would require me trusting someone with everything that I am. Giving them everything and more. Being in love with someone sounds so exhausting. It's like you have to trade your soul for someone else's. Almost like giving yourself over to them and letting them do whatever they please. If they leave you hurt and damaged, that's your fault because you put your trust in them.

I couldn't and didn't want to imagine the hurt I'd have to deal with if that'd happen to me.

And so, I was terrified of love. I was terrified of meeting someone who would mean the absolute world to me yet fail to reciprocate those feelings. This world is a cruel place, filled with people who may not have such intentions but you never know. You just cannot know until you see them for who they are.

Then, it might be too late.

Then, you may already be hurt and damaged.

I've never even been in a relationship but I've heard one too many stories about them to know that whoever was controlling us from above wouldn't spare me from the heartache. And so, this is how I've decided I didn't want one.

Well, not until someone can make me feel something other than my pussy getting wet. If they can warm my heart and heat my skin, make my bones jiggle and give me the weird tummy feeling on top of getting me horny, then maybe I will consider trading my soul and putting myself through a potential heartbreak.

Through all of this, my fingers were smashing into the keyboard of my laptop, bringing the word count up and above the limit. No surprise there, I thought, as I proof read the bullshit I wrote down. Honestly, I was chuffed to have the supervisor I was given because I liked her and she seemed to like me and so I knew our meetings would always be fine. I also knew she'd be kind of lenient with me and allow me to make little mistakes, like not making sense, for example. Because trust me, as I sat there and read over the same sentence five times, I just didn't know what to do with the words presented in front of me so I moved on.

My phone binged at least five times before I managed to read everything. I tried my best not to look at the screen but then it buzzed three more times and I couldn't not glance at it.

Nadine: we had another fight

Nadine: why is he being so nasty to me

Nadine: I'm literally sat in the bathroom crying hahaha

Nadine: sorry you're probably in class and I'm being annoying

Nadine: I just heard the door slam so I guess he's spending the night elsewhere

Nadine: I wish you two got along so he could go to yours I really don't want him hurt or out on his own for the whole night I know he won't come home he'd done it before

Nadine: fuck I hate this so much I wish we didn't fight this much I don't know what happened with us

Nadine: sorry I'm being annoying still please call me when you can I need to talk to someone about this before I go mad x

Fucking hell.

I shook my head as I picked up my phone and replied to her. I let her know she could call me whenever but seeing as her texts were sent a while ago, I realised she might need time to see it. The service was horrible where I sat so no wonder it took ages for these texts to get to me.

It was almost six in the afternoon. Somehow, my sense of time was completely out the window with how much work I'd done and how much I could have done if I wouldn't have gone to Subway to get myself some food and then go to the canteen to get myself a coffee a little later on. I fucked around a lot but hey ho, at least I finished my dissertation proposal and sent it to my supervisor for viewing.

Regarding the text messages, there may have been a few things Nadine was not aware of.

In my first year, when I had a lot more time on my hands than I do now with all this work and stress going on in my life, I worked at a hotel for the summer. She knew that, this is just me setting a background image. I usually did the night shift which means that I would go at night and leave in the morning and have the whole day to myself. Not very sociable but it was good money and I needed it at the time.

But basically, Harry and her had a fight then. They were just getting to know each other and stuff so they were bound to have silly arguments. Long story short, I somehow came across the boyfriend, hammered to the point where he was the one to scream my name, wave at me and then grin when he saw me nearing him.

Footnote, we were rivals from the start so it is important to keep in mind that he was drunk.

Which is why I felt bad for him. Nadine was head over heels for him, and she still is, bless her heart, so me being the best friend in the world, I decided to sort him out before sending him back home. I made him get in the Uber with me and back to my place where he threw up right as we got inside and then he decided to nap on my couch for a couple of hours. It sobered him up enough to establish that we'd never mention this to anyone and we'd forget it before he left and went home.

I constantly felt like I was a part of their relationship, always picking up the pieces that needed to be tucked away.

So, by Nadine pretty much telling me she'd rather Harry and I kill each other than him dying from the bitter cold, I just knew he would end up on my couch. With my cousin being home after he got out of the hospital, I knew I would have a bit of explaining to do, more so because he was present during my bitching session last night. I imagined he'll be quite confused when he'll see the man in the apartment.

Well, that is if I can find him. Which I kind of hoped I wouldn't. He could have been anywhere.

My first move was to text Wesley. I had his number because how else would I have gotten my hands on the good stuff if I didn't have a way of contacting him? I sent him a quick text, asking him if he was at uni and when he said 'yeah, chilling in the library, why', I have never felt so much pressure leaving my shoulders.

"So, what's up?" he asked when he made it over to where I still sat. He said he was fine with coming to find me, the less time he has to spend by his coursemates chatting shit, the better.

"I need Harry's number."

The emotions on his face were just unreadable. There was too much going on. He looked confused, cocky, worried, happy, excited, definitely confused. But eventually, he gave in. He gave me Harry's number and then tried to get it out of me as to why I needed it. Not that I budged. I was tougher than that.

"Speaking of him... he let it slip that you, uh, find me hot apparently."

"No, he did not," he looked at me like he saw a ghost. The blood just sucked itself back from his face and his mouth dropped open, his jaw hit the floor before he bit down on his bottom lip. Don't get me wrong, Wes was nice to look at but I spent too much time with him to be able to think of the possibility of us ever getting together. "Fucking wanker—ignore him."

"I usually do," I answered. "Anyway. You two can fight that one out. I have to go now."

"C'mon... tell me why you need his number," he pushed. The smirk on his face was evident, almost like he knew something or was thinking of something fucked in his head. I never knew what he was thinking, to be honest. He was kind of mysterious in a sense. And funny. I hated admitting it, but he was. He could crack me the fuck up and I just wished he was my friend rather than Harry's. I just felt like I couldn't share friends with him when I already had to share Nadine, you know? Too many people linking us together would have been weird. We would have had to spend even more time together and I wasn't so fond of that idea.

"Because I don't have it."

"But now you do."

"Yeah."

"Well, now that you have it, what are you gonna do with it?" he continued questioning me as I packed up my shit. I was so ready to go home, get in the shower and order a pizza. I was eating all day, yes, and I have a non-existent diet which shows in the way the extra fluffiness on me is spread out, but in my defence, I was due to be on my period. Also, I often stress eat. Being a uni student kind of entails gaining weight.

"I'm going to keep it in my phone."

"Well, yes... but why?"

"In case I need it for someone else."

"Like?"

"Wesley."

"That's my name, yes," he grinned as he walked with me. We left the main part of the library and headed for the stairs. "Tell me before I have to get it out of him."

"He doesn't know I wanted his number."

"Wanted?"

"Shut up," I nudged him before I pressed the button to get the lift down to the floor we were on. A deep chuckle was all that came from him. "He doesn't know it, though. So, he won't know what I'm planning."

"You're planning something?" he asked, completely hooked onto my lie. He lived for drama; I knew that. Messing with him was fun.

Then I never answered because the lift doors opened and I stepped inside. I waved him goodbye and he just flipped me off before he walked away. Just as I got rid of him, I got an incoming call and it was from him.

For fuck's sake.