HARRY E. STYLES
October, 2014

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Nothing in this world could have made me admit what I was thinking. Nope. I couldn't let myself do it. I would have betrayed myself and everything I had been feeling up until this point if I had done that.

As much as inner me wanted to just get it out of my system so I could forget about it, I could not do it. I knew if I'd do it, it would be out in the open, lingering, living with the possibility of finding its way back to me at the most random times.

Just say you find her funny and get over it.

No.

No.

And no.

There was no way I'd admit to something like that. Because if I did that, then I'd notice other, nice traits and qualities about her and I couldn't go down that road. She was too dangerous for me to be around, especially with my mind playing tricks on me.

And by tricks, yes, I mean the naughty dream I had about her.

No, I couldn't stop thinking about it. No, I didn't know why. Yes, I've had sex with my girlfriend to push it out of my head. No, it didn't work. No, I didn't moan the wrong name. But yes, I did see the witch under me for a split second.

See the issue? If I start noticing more things about her then I'm afraid my feelings may change towards her and I'm not sure I want that. Being mean to her and keeping her at an arm's length is just fine. She is my girl's annoying best friend and I'm sound with that.

I was kind of annoyed today, anyway. I was struggling with finishing my dissertation proposal and the deadline was the end of the week. I was working tonight and every night until Monday and I also had classes. Even though I had a three-hour break tomorrow, I knew I would just come home to pass the time and then either skip that seminar or go back.

That was tomorrow's problem, though. Today's was being on Griffin duty. 

Let me explain.

She was going through a rough patch, according to Nadine. My girlfriend asked me very kindly if I could go and pick her and her cousin up from the hospital because he was getting out today. When I asked why could he not just order himself an Uber, I got scolded for even suggesting the idea and then threatened with not getting head for the rest of the month.

It was only the eighteenth of October. I wouldn't have survived. I had to say yes.

Nadine was meant to come with me but she failed to mention that she had a meeting with one of her lecturers when I was supposed to pick the Walkers up. That left me to do the task on my own.

At this point, I could've passed as a regular at this hospital. I was here last month when Griffin got brought in and now, I was here this month, getting her out again.

Thankfully, I didn't have to wait. As I pulled up, I saw them sitting on a bench outside. I parked as close as I could and rolled down my window when I noticed her walk over.

"What are you doing here?" she asked. Her voice was monotone and she didn't seem to be in her usual jokester mood. I suppose it made sense with her cousin being at the hospital for whatever reason. I was never told what had happened and I didn't particularly care, either.

"Picking you and your cousin up."

"Why?"

"Nadine asked me if I would do it so you didn't have to get an Uber."

"Right," she answered. "Thanks," she added and turned back to wave at the man to come over as well.

Wow.

She thanked me? Okay. She really was not okay. Pretty sure that was the first genuine thank you I have ever gotten from her and for some reason, I assumed it would be the last.

The journey back to their place was silent. I didn't mind it much. I bopped my head along to the music that was playing on the radio whilst the two sat in the back. The cousin was kind of intimidating, not going to lie. He looked like a proper businessman, even in lounge-y clothing. I could tell he was loaded. I wouldn't have wanted to get on his bad side.

"Uh, Nadine told me to tell you to call her when you get home," I spoke to Griffin once we made it to their apartment. I offered to take up the bag for them but Callum declined the offer, saying he was fine doing it and me driving them home was enough.

"Yeah, okay," she nodded with her lips pressed tightly to one another.

"Cool," I replied. "Well, bye then."

She put her hand in the air as she waved then turned around and followed Callum inside. I drove to Tesco after that to get some food for home. I was starving so I was planning on making something. And then getting some work done because I desperately needed to. I have been very distracted lately and that wasn't good.

The quick run to the shop made me change my mind on what to cook at least five times. Being at uni forced me to perfect my cooking and although I was no Gordon Ramsay, I knew he would have rated my dishes at least a six out of ten. They were pretty fit, if I say so myself. My special dish was salmon with this special sauce I cooked up, the perfect rice and steamed broccoli with seasoning that I didn't share with anyone. Any time I made it for the house, fingers were licked, plates were empty and bellies were full. I felt quite proud of myself for being able to do something like that.

I found joy in cooking. I cooked when I was stressed. I cooked when I was happy. I cooked whenever I could. I lost myself in the process and it was strangely therapeutic.

Another thing I wanted to pick up was baking. I loved sweet stuff but I never really got into making anything of the sort. The only time I'd do it, is Christmas, when I'm home and my mother does most of the baking. I prefer focusing on the cooking, since I'm kind of good at it.

I decided to make my way back to the baking aisle before I went to pay and I grabbed a couple of things to make brownies. They were meant to be easy to bake. And I didn't buy a premade powder—no, I wanted to make that shit from scratch.

Challenging myself was the task I set for today. Not just to take my mind off of the confusion that a certain someone caused, but also to see if I could get the hang of baking. I really wanted to try.

With bags in my hands, I managed to put everything away once I was home. I wasn't quite hungry yet so I've decided to focus on making the brownie. My mouth salivated at the simple thought of the hot, chocolatey dessert with vanilla ice-cream on top. I was a sucker for it, it was my favourite, yet I've never made it.

What can I say? I was too scared I'd screw it up and never like it again.

"Oh, look at you," I heard a teasing coming from behind me. I chuckled as I didn't bother looking back. Katherine was home which meant Adrian was bound to show his face through the main door soon enough. "What are you cooking up today then?"

"Baking, actually," I spoke. Kath hummed, impressed as she opened up the cabinet and took a glass out. "I wanted to try making a brownie."

"Ah, we're eating good today."

"I'm hoping so, yes," I laughed. I was pretty much the house chef, not that I minded. "How was your class?"

"Okay," she answered after she drank. "My proposal got approved so I'm chilling."

"Ugh. I have yet to finish mine."

"It's not that hard, you know," she said as a matter of fact. But nothing was hard for her. She was naturally smart. She always has been. She was the one who'd do my homework in high school because I'd either forget we had any or I just didn't get it at all. "You'll smash it, you always do."

"I better," I said. "I need to get a first on my dissertation or the last three years will feel like a waste of my time."

"You will."

"And you have too much faith in me."

"Someone has to," she nudged me. "I'm gonna go upstairs and get some work done. I saw Adrian when I left uni, said he's going to the library for some books but he will be home soon."

"Alrighty," I replied and eventually, I was left in my own world again.

I put some music on as I continued working on my brownie. Once that was in the oven—and it looked like it should have which was good news—I decided to start on lunch. I was getting kind of hungry and since the house was going to be full soon, I just thought it was better.

"Guess who's getting laiaiaiaiaied tonight," Adrian walked inside the house, screaming, and it didn't even surprise me. The second the door slammed behind him, he came into the kitchen and he slapped my ass. "This bad boy, hey!"

"Do that again and I'll cut your hand off."

"Sorry, baby," he winked. "Got a bit carried away, did I not?"

"Who's the unlucky individual today?" I asked, sighing. I had to, otherwise I wouldn't be left alone, ever.

"There's this lad in my class and I always catch him looking at me. So, naturally, I decided I've had enough and I was like, you wanna get with me or something? Of course, that caught him off guard," he chuckled. "But eventually, I got it out of him."

"Well, that's great, right?"

"Oh, come on! You could be a bit more excited for me," he groaned as he sat up on the counter. "Oooh, what is that?" he put his finger in the sauce and then licked it off.

"Stop being disgusting!" I slapped his thigh as I walked away to get some spices from the cabinet.

"That tastes well good, mate," he complimented.

"I know," I said. "Now, get off the counter and fuck off. I want to cook in peace."

"Sorry, dad," he hopped off. "I'll be upstairs, having a bath."

"There's no bubbles left, by the way."

"You're messing!" Adrian said, almost offended and definitely disappointed. "Who used it all up?"

"Well, you. But I think Kath was having a bath last night, so she was the last to use it."

"That's it. I'm using her shower gel to make myself some bubbles then," he said as he planned his revenge, on his way upstairs. All I could do was laugh as it was none of my business but the fact that I knew about it, kind of made me guilty.

I knew they would have a fight over that and the house would not be able to rest until they screamed at each other for at least half an hour. After that, they would continue using each other's stuff until someone replaced the bubbles because neither of them will do it. Yep. Absolute children.

Lost in my own world, it scared me when a pair of arms wrapped around my torso from the back. The warm body locked onto mine with a chin in the hollow of my shoulder. A little sigh escaped my lips as my body relaxed into the touches on my stomach, even over the shirt, the little designs that Nadine's fingers drew caused the goosebumps to jump right out. "Mhmm... that smells amazing."

"It's your favourite," I smiled as I stirred the chicken around in the sauce. In all honesty, I felt horrible for the little time I had to spend with her. Ever since our final year started, I've been everywhere but with her. She had so much shit going on and I felt as though I was not as present as I should have been. So, my way of making it right was through cooking.

"I love you, you know that, right?"

"'Course," I smiled. "I love you."

Nadine hummed as she pressed her cheek to my back. She felt so warm and homey, I loved when she'd hug me like this. She was one for affection, but only when no one was around. She'd often move or abruptly pull back from a touch if someone came around and kind of interrupted us. She was very private and I kind of really liked that.

"So... my parents are coming to London in a week. My dad's got work to do here and my mum decided to join her on the trip."

"That's nice," I spoke. I've never met her parents. In the three years we've been together, we haven't really thought of introducing each other to the family. It wasn't so much because we didn't want to but more because it just never seemed to work out. Someone always had something going on and so we kept putting it off. I didn't mind it because the thought of it made my heart beat incredibly fast and I became uncomfortable. Through all the relationships I've had in my twenty years, I've never met anyone's parents.

That felt too personal. Just one step higher than I wanted anything to go. It would have felt too real.

"I was thinking you could finally meet them?" she dropped the idea.

Shit.

Well. Play it off cool, Harry. Not too twatty, not too over-emotional.

"Oh... I mean, sure?" I chuckled awkwardly. I stepped away from her hug and left her standing there. I opened the fridge and took the apple juice out. Not because my body suddenly craved it but because in that state, my mind just didn't know what to do.

"It would be nice, right?" she carried on, trying to feed me the idea. "It's been a while since we've been together so I just assumed it would make sense. Not that I know if they'll have any free time so I'd have to set a time with them and stuff."

"Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty busy with work and uni so I don't really know when I'd have the time right now, you know?" I gave her some legitimate excuses. My rota at work was literally hell, the pile of assignments on my to-do list were actually a joke. The reason why I failed to put more effort into our relationship was simply due to those reasons.

"Mhm, that's fair," she sighed. I didn't want to upset her, then again, her relationship with her parents was kind of shit, anyway. I didn't understand why she was so hell bent on us meeting. From what she had told me, they do nothing but emotionally hurt her. I hated that. I hated that she had to be around them. "Well, anyways. I'm sure they'll just come and go."

"It's best, baby. I don't want you around them."

"They're my family. I kind of have to be after I graduate."

"Not if you stay with me," I slipped. Moving back to Manchester wasn't in my plans. I didn't want to go back home. Not because I've had a bad relationship with the place or the people living there. Simply, I wasn't ready. The last three years of my life had been amazing. I've grown to love London and discovered all the places I love. It felt like home and the thought of having to move away without knowing when I'd be back was squeezing on my heart.

"You'd want that?" she asked in a shy voice. Every time I offered, it felt like she took three steps back. It felt like an invisible wall dropped down between us. Somewhere deep in my mind, it was clear that Nadine was afraid of commitment. Yet each time she somewhat declined me, it made me feel weird.

Suppose that's how she felt about me pretty much saying no to meeting her parents.

Which made me a hypocrite for feeling the way I did when she stepped back from me. We were both scared of it. Almost like being together after university was over didn't seem like an opportunity for us.

That thought made my head dip into dark areas.

As much as I was hesitant when it came to commitment, I was also terrified of being alone. Not so much once I'm used to being alone but being left. The whole process of someone leaving me... that scared the fuck out of me. Dealing with the sudden shock of it all, the feelings rushing to me and choking me, making it difficult to breathe and stop the flow of the tears.

These thoughts often circled around in my head. Overthinking was a bitch. Especially when negative thoughts wanted to leak into the cracks and stay there.

"Yeah. Of course," I smiled as I leaned against the counter and wrapped my arms into one another. "Nads, we work well together. We've lived together for three years. Spending a fourth and fifth year under one roof would just make things better. Don't you think?"

"It's kind of hard to see it that way when you don't even want to meet my parents," she let the salty comment slide and I scoffed. My tongue ran over my top teeth as I cocked my eyebrows up, looking to the side and then exhaling loudly. "What? You don't think that's weird?"

"I don't know what you want me to say, Nadine," I shrugged. She rolled her eyes and kept quiet. "Meeting your family and living together is not the same. I've known you for years, it's easy with you. The thought of having to meet your parents is... I'm just not ready."

"Why?" she asked, ballsy of her as she had done so with her voice raised. That wasn't something she'd done often so it kind of scared me when she did. It just meant she was really pissed and hurt. And when those emotions mixed, tears were bound to follow. "It makes no sense to me. Why wouldn't you want to meet them?"

Fucking hell.

Was it that deep?

"Because I'm not ready. Why is that not a good enough reason for you?" I asked. I was a little irritated and I hated that we were having this fight. There was already enough shit on my plate and dealing with this was just extra.

"We're meant to be honest with each other, are we not? I do think I deserve a proper answer," she argued. "Griffin was right when she said you will never be completely open with me."

"I see the problem here," I laughed dryly. The drop of her name was enough to solve this little issue here. The fact that Nadine was stupid enough to listen to Griffin and act on everything she was saying to her, made me want to do and say things I knew I would regret the minute I'm calm.

"That's great but I still don't have a sufficient answer."

"Well, maybe if you kept our business our business, you could actually hear what I'm saying," I spoke with my voice slightly raised, yes, but I was frustrated. Snapping at her was always awful because she didn't deserve to be treated like shit. "One, I am not ready to meet your family. Two, your family doesn't deserve you for all the hell they have put your through over the summer. Which leads me to three—I don't want to meet them because I'm not sure what I would say if I came face to face with them. I could make it worse for you and I'm not going to do that."

"You think Griffin is the problem? I thought you hated her."

"You are the one focusing on her right now!" I argued. "I just gave you all the reasons and you are still rejecting it!"

The house was filled with screams and it wasn't because Adrian used Katherine's shower gel to make himself a bubble bath. It also wasn't because Wesley got home and slammed the front door like it was nobody's business. It was because my girlfriend and I were having our usual spat. Somehow, something small always escalated into something much bigger.

It's like we couldn't keep it under its lid and it was beginning to get worse.

Like, a lot worse.