GRIFFIN E. WALKER
February, 2015

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

I have been caught in my fair share of awkward moments though this one, for sure, outweighed them all. The embarrassment that filled me from head to toe was kind of ridiculous. My stomach must've been bright red because my cheeks felt it. Some parts of me were wary, in case they would burn off. The sweat on my palms, the knot in my stomach. It was all horrible. All because I almost kissed the dickhead who was going out with my best friend.

Yep.

Living up to all rumours, even feeding into Nadine's sick theory about me always going after the lads she is fancying. The thought of that made me feel sick. I was not a cheater. Thinking of how something could've happened if we weren't interrupted, something so dirty and wrong that we could never erase from our lives, was choking me up, tying the knot in my throat over and over.

"Is anyone going to answer me or do I need to scream a little louder? Get another someone up here, hm?" Katherine questioned us.

"Nothing happened," Harry spoke as I remained quiet. Everything was slowly setting into place. The whole day... everything that happened today... I just felt so dirty. Harry was so touchy-feely with me, always being so close and I did nothing to stop it. Not one thing. Almost like his closeness brought some form of comfort which was absolutely crazy to even think.

"Yes, thanks to me," Katherine snapped, keeping her voice low. The door was now also closed, something that we didn't think of when we got back. Then again, in my defence, I only wanted to help him up and go home. "What the fuck were you thinking? Oh, that's right! You weren't!"

"Can you please, calm down?" Harry asked as I sat there with empty eyes. My head was running fast, my heartbeat increasing the longer I stayed in that room, surrounded by these people. I couldn't believe what I was about to let happen. Yes, I did mention we shouldn't be doing what we were about to do but I did nothing to stop it. I just allowed it. That was just as bad as doing it. "My head is sensitive to your numbing voice."

"Well, I'm sorry that it inconveniences you," Katherine continued to run her mouth and I couldn't take it. I stood up and went for the door, almost opening it until she came up next to me and slammed it shut. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Home," I responded, staring into her eyes. She looked furious, absolutely mad at what she walked in on. Me, on the other hand, well... I played the emotionless side of me, just until I was out from under their touches, their prying eyes. I never wanted to think of this ever again. This was wrong. I was so fucking ashamed of it that the urge to tell Nadine about it was beginning to build.

"I don't think you are," she laughed like she had nothing better to do, her reaction more dead than how I felt or wished to be in that moment.

"Oh, yeah?" I scoffed, folding my arms. "What are you going to do? Chain me to your bed?"

"I will if I have to," she responded. Her hand was still holding the door, as a way of keeping me from opening it. Not that I couldn't have gotten out because I was pretty sure that even with all that alcohol in my system, I'd have been able to get past her with ease. "Now, sit back down and explain yourself."

"To who?" I laughed. "To you?" I asked. "Remind me, who are you again? Because last time I checked, you were no one of importance to me therefore I owe you, well, fuck all, to be honest."

"Griffin, just sit down," Harry spoke up. Hearing him say that, my eyebrows jumped up high on my forehead as I turned around to look at him. He sighed when he saw my face, it probably wasn't the nicest to look at right then and there. My anger and guilt clashing made me feel like a volcano, ready to bloody erupt to ruin everything around me.

"And then what? Allow Katherine Sherlock, of all people, to lecture me?" he didn't reply, only continued to look at me like that was going to convince me to do anything. And, I suppose, in the end, it worked because I sat on the bed, as far away from Harry as it was possible. "Happy now?"

"Once you tell me what exactly I just walked in on, I will be."

"You know, you so badly want to make sure it won't leave this room but what makes you think the person you mostly want to keep it from hadn't heard all your whining?" I questioned her with my legs crossed, my hand on my knee as I tilted my head. Perhaps I wasn't as intoxicated as I thought. "Not to mention, I have absolutely no idea why you're so persistent on it remaining a secret. What's in it for you?"

"Katherine's done nothing wrong. Can you stop attacking her?" Harry defended the girl, making me roll my eyes and sigh, glancing away as I knew I wouldn't get a single answer out of her. He would do anything to make sure I didn't blow up on her. As admirable as that was, it just annoyed me. Why couldn't he tell her to let me get away? Perhaps that way, I wasn't in her presence ergo no one having to face my wrath. "Now, I just want us all to forget everything that happened. Can we do that?"

"I should be asking you two that—along with the reminder that you, Harry Styles, are still in a relationship. Drunk or not, you know better."

"Exactly why I want to forget about it. A moment of weakness is all it was," he explained. Stirring feelings up in me that I had no idea existed, the words he used carried some heaviness, weighing down on my chest. Pushing my hand against it in hopes of the feeling disappearing, all it did was attract attention. "Are you okay?" the guy asked, his eyes flickering up and down.

"What is it with you and your constant need to make sure I'm fine?" I snapped at him. He asked me at least five times today if I was alright. For no reason. The whole situation got me in a very fragile state of mind. The way it made me react felt justifiable. 

"You look like you're uncomfortable. I just wanted to make sure you were feeling okay. No need to bite my bloody head off," he spoke calmly but there was a certain coldness to his voice. I regretted the way I acted immediately but didn't do anything in order to voice that.

"He cares about you, you silly cow," Katherine mumbled, sighing as if she was fed up of me. Scowling, I couldn't help but stare her up and down as if she offended me in the worst possible way. "You have to be the thickest lass out there to not see that he's grown fond of you."

"I think I'm capable of voicing my own feelings, thanks though, Kath," Harry cleared his throat, feeling awkward. He avoided my eye contact, he refused to look at me fully as he stole a look from the corner of his eye. So, what? Did he have feelings for me now?

"And you have feelings for him as well," she glanced at me as she spoke. When she saw me furrow my brows, she carried on. "I don't think you realise what it is that you feel just yet so I'm pretty damn sure you're fighting with yourself on the inside. Trying to stay away but keep finding yourself in his company. Thinking he is the worst person to ever enter your life yet you can't imagine it without him. I've definitely been there before so I know what that looks like on a person," she explained as we both sat there, dumbfounded. Katherine Sherlock did not know me. Sure, she may have felt that way about someone before but I knew how I felt. And it was not even remotely close to what she thought. 

"Yes, well, I hope that works out for you," I spoke with a bitter-sweet tone, not exactly caring for what will happen to her or whoever she was fancying. My only plan was to get out of this house and never see anyone who lived inside of it again. Things have gone too far, maybe even far beyond repair. The best decision I could've made now was to leave and never look back.

"Look," Katherine sighed, almost like she gave up on fighting me. "Despite everything that happened, I don't think that Nadine deserves to be betrayed like this. The both of you were accused of cheating, with each other might I add, but that doesn't mean that you should live up to that," she said honestly. Meanwhile every word she spoke was true, all it did was make me feel worse about myself. The guilt pushing at my insides, squeezing my heart tightly until it could do nothing but beg for blood was indescribable. "I get that feelings are hard to control at times and giving in to temptations is difficult to hold back. But both of you are capable of dealing with this like mature adults. If that's not the case then I completely fail at being your friend, Harry, and it also says a shit ton about your taste in women."

"So, what? You think if I want revenge, I just go after my best mate's boyfriend?" I scoffed, failing to realise the point she made. If there was a point. "Yes, Nadine accused me and she hurt me but I'd never do something like that out of spite."

"Which means you are admitting to having feelings for Harry, correct?"

"I never said that."

"You said you wouldn't act out of spite which implies that you did everything because you wanted to, clearly leading to the fact that you have feelings for Harry," she lectured me on my feelings and it made me grow annoyed. "Regardless of whether or not you admit it to me, the point here is that you cannot act on those feelings. Neither of you."

"I wouldn't. Even if I felt anything."

Katherine shook her head, kind of like she was disappointed in how desperately my words denied everything. Whilst she was not pleased with the way things were handled on my part, it saved me from the pain that'd have followed if I admitted to anything. Just as Harry mentioned, everything that happened with and between us since December was the product of the break he was having with Nadine, a moment of weakness. If they wouldn't have been apart, I knew that Harry would not be a part of my life the way he was now.

Yes, maybe I did have some sort of feelings for him. But it was not like I planned in my bedroom, ready to go ahead with actions to make it happen. Being in his presence, spending all that time with him, allowed me to see a side of him that only his friends knew existed. The fact that he let me in, made it worse because that meant he was being genuine. Perhaps if he had refrained from sharing an interest in my company, the emotionally attached side of me wouldn't have surfaced, clinging to him like a leech. Not having thought about this too much but forced to do so now, I felt an overwhelming amount of fear flood through me, causing me to completely blank out and leave the two in the room to chat on their own terms.

"...so unless you break up with Nadine, I suggest you put this much effort and energy into fixing your relationship," I caught onto the last bit of Katherine's ramble. Turning my head towards Harry, he was now lying on the bed with his arms over his head. "As for you," she turned to me. "Don't tempt him."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Wow, you heard me?" she played surprised. "That's a start, I suppose."

"You seriously need to stop trying to control me. I'm not a bloody sheep, I don't need to be guided."

"Not to remind you of what I walked in on, but you clearly do need someone shouting at you to keep you in your lane," she sighed. "I'm going to leave you two to talk and go for a shower. Please be out of my room by the time I'm done."

I rolled my eyes as she left the room and so I wasted no time following her. My plan was to slip out and never look back, forget everything that happened and pretty much move on. I didn't need this kind of drama in my life.

"Hey, um... can you stay for a second?"

"Need I remind you what happened the last time I stayed?" I asked him, my back facing him when I replied to his question. Finding it unnecessary to even bother hiding the fact that there was something between us, something that neither of us expected, the guards that were always up around me fell with ease.

"That's what I want to talk about," he explained in a small voice. Sighing, I made the mistake of turning around, looking at him expectantly. When he realised, he had my undivided attention he looked a little intimidated as though he couldn't find the right words. "Katherine can be a pain in the ass but she is right. We can't... be anything. I still have Nadine to think about and she is your best friend. I, um, I don't want to come between you two which I feel like has happened before but with someone else. I guess I just want to say that, uh, don't fight over me."

"We were never going to be anything," I cleared up the first thing he focused on. My words sounded harsh but they were true, even he knew that. Although, that didn't stop the way his posture changed, deflating a little with his eyebrows pinching in the middle. "You were a great distraction all this time but I'm not interested. If that's the impression you got then this is me breaking it to you. As for Nadine and I fighting over you—it's never been an issue. I never much cared about you and I wish she knew that. Perhaps then she'd realise she has no reason to worry about us two."

Harry nodded, at loss for words. It wasn't hard for me to tell people I didn't want them. Some boys I've hooked up with had the tendency to think it'd become a regular thing after one occasion so setting them straight didn't require much practice for me. What was pretty much impossible for me was letting people know I wanted them. Due to my inability to keep good people around, the loss of those who truly made me happy once were no longer in my life. Unless they are persistent, I feel as though I'm not worthy of them being in my life, no matter how much joy they bring to it.

"Yeah, okay," he nodded when I finished what I wanted to say. "Well, uh, thanks for uh, thanks for coming to my birthday and all. I hope you'll be able to work things out with Nadine."

It turned out Harry was not one of those persistent people.

My heart felt a little heavier as my steps dragged me out of the room, leaving the drunken boy alone. This was the last time him and I would see each other, that little interrogation by Katherine was kind of an initiation of a goodbye, us two doing the final bidding just then. My feelings were crushing me and I had to grip onto the railing to steady myself. Hearing that he had feelings for me and being put on the spot to acknowledge my own, everything that him and I been through for the last three months came rushing back to me.

The random acts of kindness he'd show by opening doors for me whether that was to a shop or to his car, letting me get on the bus before he'd do so. Allowing me to order first or ordering for me at a restaurant, knowing about the things I favoured over others. Though it required trust from my end, he seemed to gain it without much effort, finding myself almost giving it to him instantly. The moments he'd place his arm around my shoulders to pull me a little closer, not thinking much about it as we'd walk on the street or in the shop. The affectionate side of him was what got me to place my trust in him at a rapid pace, causing me to look forward to the times he'd wake up the next day and check my texts to confirm the plans we've already confirmed the day before. It never bothered him rather caused him to chuckle, tease me about it and the only thing I could do was deal with the intense blush burning up my cheeks, the tips of my ears.

He shared an interest in art because it was something held dear to my heart and it came without much double-thinking to show the same openness to his love for cooking and baking, the passion he held for music. He'd show me the different wines you can have with cheese or how to make a cheesecake though not before making his favourite meals and, denied at the time but, completely impressing me with his touch on the dishes. He'd question me about my interest, wanting to know more about me like I was the most fascinating person on the earth yet keeping it behind the line as he'd want to make sure he didn't push me too much. He was patient and observant, kind and charming, his humour consisting of knock-knock jokes, all of which were horrible yet still cracked me up. That was another thing with him. He'd never let me not smile or laugh, even if we were teasing each other or bickering, he'd somehow make me feel at ease and joyous.

I hated every part of that realisation. The change in my view of him happened incredibly fast and now, everything I thought I stood by when it came to him was out the window. My claim of never having cared about him was nothing but a lie, something that worked as a blanket to keep me safe from the outside whilst everything still got in and affected me.

Taking each step after the other, I was ready to rush out the door and leave everything and everyone behind. What prevented me from doing this, was Nadine. I caught her figure from the corner of my eye, dropping to the couch with her hand over her mouth, the other pressing her phone to her ear. Our eyes met and that's when it became clear to me that she received bad news. Tears glistening in her eyes, she was one moment away from breaking down and it hurt me. It hurt me so much that all I could do was rush over and keep her from falling apart.

Squeezing my eyes shut and swallowing hard, she sobbed in the crook of my neck, grasping the material of my shirt like her life depended on it. Over the course of our friendship, she only ever cried quite so grievously was the day she found out her grandmother passed away. Regardless of what happened between us, I put it to the side and sushed her, trying to make her feel better yet the only thing she could do was cry. In some ways, it felt as though taking care of her would ease my guilt. The guilt that ate me up inside because I had inexplainable feelings for her boyfriend. I prayed I'd never have to face him again, terrified that everything inside of me would burst at the sight of him and drag me down the black hole towards a heartbreak. But just as that thought came to me, he appeared at the bottom of the stairs, his face displaying a mixture of emotions as his lips formed nothing but the shape of my name.

His voice came to a gradual halt, quieting more with each second he spent absorbing the way Nadine held onto me in her sorrow. It was clear he did not come to comfort her but to find me which intensified the guilt inside me. His priority should've been her because she was his girlfriend. He should've reached for her and beg desperately to ease her pain. Yet all he did was stand there and process the sight before him. Essentially, that was all I needed to know to realise he was far too gone, the feelings he held for me flourishing and overshadowing whatever was left of his love for my best friend.