HARRY E. STYLES
January, 2015

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Things were bound to get worse before they got better. That's what people said all the time, right? Have to let go of the bad to allow the good to come. Whilst it is difficult to bare it, the thought of the future holding something better managed to ease the suffering.

Well, I hoped it would.

In that moment, everything sucked. It felt like we stood in a cemetery. Griffin turned on her heel and disappeared into the kitchen once she couldn't take the heat anymore. Adrian sat on the couch, his face hidden in his hands. Wesley sighed and put his hand on my shoulder, nodding his head towards the kitchen as to let me know he'll check on Griffin. I refused to look at anyone other than Nadine. I had no idea what Katherine was doing. My mind was too focused on the girl I loved. Perhaps used to love? Whoever stood before me in the living room was far from the person who I fell in love with.

"What happens now?" she asked me quietly. Seeing her with tears in her eyes, down on her cheeks, sitting there with trembling hands, made the invisible hand squeeze my heart tightly. Whatever happened, my feelings were still there. Slightly overshadowed by the rage that shot through me but there, nonetheless.

"Between you accusing me of cheating on you with your best friend and being in my final year of study, I have no idea," I spoke honestly. Whilst it was now clear that there was nothing between her and Adrian, the fact that she kept repeating how Griffin and I hooked up just rubbed me the wrong way. Yes, I may have blamed her of the same for a while, once she denied the rumour, I did not keep on bringing it up. Her, on the other hand, well, she was keen on voicing her doubts about what really happened. "I think it's best if we extend the break and see where we end up by the Easter holidays."

"If that's what you want," she nodded. Her words made me furrow my brows in confusion, slight annoyance, even, because the tone she used mixed with the actual statement, I just found it ridiculous. It sounded as though she was doing me a favour.

"Is that not what you think we should do?" I questioned her. Careful not to raise my voice, my anger seemed to seep through the cracks left to fill. As hard as I've tried, not all parts of me could be controlled. This conversation went way over its head for it to be the case. "Unless, of course, you'd rather me say that I want to break up. Perhaps that would be the wiser choice, seeing as you question my feelings for you more than you believe them."

"I made a mistake—just like you made a mistake, believing that I could do something as inexcusable as cheating. I reckon we're both at fault."

I did not want to say what I was thinking. Which was about us breaking up. The smart choice would've been to do that. Yet something kept me from voicing it. Could've been the fear of being truly alone, without someone to provide comfort if not physically, then emotionally and mentally, just knowing that they are there, no matter what happens. Whilst Katherine was my best friend and by my side no matter what, the intimacy that came with being in a relationship with someone who loves you and you love is different.

"I just need time," I spoke before I grabbed my jacket and left the house.

Time. Space. I needed both. My head felt jampacked. I couldn't think. Knowing what was good for me and doing what was good for me were not the same. Whilst I had the knowledge, the practice of it didn't quite catch up to me yet. Maybe if I wasn't surrounded by everyone who witnessed everything that happened, I could allow myself the environment to come up with something that makes sense.

The only problem was that nothing seemed to do so lately.

And it all had to do with Griffin Walker.

Once I made it back to my brother's, the first thing on my mind was to shower. Lock my thoughts out, wash away the dirty layer of the argument, the words that were spewed. The fact that no one was home made me feel better because everything I did could go unreasoned.

I slept for hours. I slept for the whole weekend, actually. Whatever was left of it, anyway. On Monday, I got up and went to class. Wesley wasn't present, not that it came as much of a surprise. He skipped more lessons than he attended but it never reflected on his grades. After my seminar, I went home. I had work tonight so if there was any chance of me getting a quick nap in before that, then nothing was going to stop me from it.

The rest of the week was the same. My brother saw that I was not in the mood to be dealing with his request of me packing my shit up and leaving. He just let me sleep in his study on the blow-up bed without as much as a single question regarding the situation. That made me feel better because it was one less problem I had to manage. Of course, by the time the weekend came around again, I decided it would be a splendid idea to go back home. Not that anyone in the house cared enough whether I would ever show my face again or not.

No one was home. The kitchen was empty. The downstairs bathroom was empty. The rooms were empty. Some relief washed through me at the revelation. As I made my way to my room—or well, to the one I shared with Nadine—I was surprised to see that it had not been touched. My mug from ages ago was still between the pillows, the pyjamas that Nadine wore a while back were still folded on her side. She hadn't been staying at the house, it seemed. Or not in our room, anyway.

With a sigh, I plopped on the bed and laid on my back, fingers intertwined on my stomach. Things were going to change—they were changing. What was important now is the way in which everything would be dealt with. Over the course of the past week, I've had time to reflect on certain things. Like how I never allow myself to be honest even though I claim to be that way. If that was truly the case, then perhaps I would be single now. My fears of being truly alone, living without the constant comfort that the idea of Nadine built in me was too difficult to imagine. The thought of being without her, without having her by my side through whatever was going on, made me panic and push for a solution to keep her in my life.

Not knowing what she was thinking, made me feel uneasy. She agreed to keep the break going but with such distaste that it sounded like she didn't want it. That gave me hope. Hope that maybe we'll be able to figure this out. However, on the other hand, there was the possibility of her changing her mind, realising that we should break up rather than carry on with the mess that was our relationship.

The door to my room was open so when the front door opened and closed, I heard it perfectly.

"Harry?" Katherine shouted my name before I heard her stomp up the stairs. My car parked outside had to be the giveaway of my presence. Seeing as the room was right across from the steps, she saw me lying in bed instantly. Her initial reaction was a sigh, one that showed how sorry she felt for me and I hated it. "How come you're here? Got bored of your brother's company?"

"I wanted to talk to Nadine."

"Did you really?" she questioned, standing by the bed with her arms crossed, eyebrows pulled together in the middle of her face. "Scoot," she pushed my legs away and sat down, pulling her left leg under her body as she bent it, the other hung down. "So, how have you been? Managed to calm down?"

"I guess," I mumbled. She was back to being okay with me, even after the way I spoke to her. It didn't surprise me because that was how we worked. Never really apologised, we just moved on. I guess that becomes normal when you've known someone for so long. In our case, that was the normal, anyway. "I don't really know how I feel."

"Yeah, that seems to be the case lately, doesn't it?" she questioned, nibbling on the inside of her cheek. Kath sighed before she spoke again. "Well, if it makes you feel better then I don't know how to feel, either."

"Why?" I asked. "Something happened?"

"It's to do with what happened last week... I don't know what came over me when I started defending Griffin. It's been on my mind for days now and I can't get it out."

"You did what you felt was right. I don't think there's anything wrong with that," I shrugged before I piled my hands behind my head. "Nadine was talking absolute bullshit and kept targeting her which honestly surprised me."

Katherine hummed. "Yeah... it was strange, wasn't it? I've never seen Nads so mad before."

"I don't know what's up with those two... Griffin and Nadine, I mean," I spoke. "The way Nadine was just pounding her until Griffin could do nothing but cry... it made me realise that after all, she is human with feelings."

"Well, no shit," she snorted. "No one can be that closed off twenty-four-seven. She just doesn't like to show it."

"Suppose so," I agreed. "Do you think they argue like that a lot? To that extent."

"I don't know and honestly, I don't care," she laughed. "They were made for each other. Nadine is just as bad as Griffin. I always sensed that there was a devil in Nads. She wouldn't have fallen for you otherwise."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I smirked.

"You are not as golden as you think you are, mate," she teased me and I rolled my eyes. I never thought I was any good. That's why I had Nadine. She was the good in me, in human form. With her by my side, I didn't feel as horrible. "Maybe that's why you are so taken with Griffin. You see what Nadine saw in you and you are eager to fix it."

"Yeah, okay," I scoffed. How ridiculous did that sound? Coming from Katherine Sherlock of all people.

"Or perhaps you wish to explore it?" she wiggled her eyebrows. I kicked her in the side and she hunched over, pretending to be in pain. "Don't get violent with me. I'm your best friend."

"Yes, my very deranged best friend," I rolled my eyes. "There's nothing going on with me and Griffin. She remains my mortal enemy. Just because we hung out for a few days-,"

"Over a week."

"-doesn't mean that we'll continue doing that."

"Didn't you want to see her the day of the argument?" she asked cheekily. Of course, she remembered that detail. "Which is not a bad thing. Don't get me wrong. I just wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself, wanting to explain everything. It's like you're stopping yourself from actually feeling happiness unless you're with your girlfriend or with us."

"I do not do that," I defended myself right away though not with the passion I should have. Obviously, it allowed Katherine to see right through it.

"You can have other friends. Opening up to someone new, won't kill you."

"That's what you said when we started uni and look at the shit I'm in now," I reminded her. Allowing new people into my life was hard for me and so Katherine had to make sure I wasn't cooped up in my room all the time when we moved away from home. London was new to me and whilst it was easier to deal with the new scenery and people when I drank, the minute the alcohol was out of my system, I became a little more introvert. That's why most of the rumours about me didn't even make sense.

"Well, you were bound to mess up at some point. That's just life, Harry," she explained with a calm voice. It made me feel like everything will be alright, it always did. Katherine was also one of my comfort people. Whenever something went wrong, she was there to make it right for me or with me. Though, most of the time, it was the first option. "And don't get me wrong. I love Nadine. But she really did piss me off that day. She was so quick to accuse you, her boyfriend and Griffin, her best friend, of cheating that I didn't even know what to do."

"To be fair, I did do the same—think that she cheated on me with Adrian."

"I'm not trying to excuse what you did but you had reason to think that. There was a rumour going around and whether or not it was true, it gives you something to stand on. Nadine had nothing to go on other than whatever shit happened with her and Griffin. But that has nothing to do with you."

"Still, I'm just as bad because I believed it rather than her feelings for me."

"You'll get nowhere if you keep blaming yourself," she told me as a matter of fact. "She shouldn't have given you a reason to believe the rumour in the first place."

"We've not been doing well lately so I think that's what pushed me to believe it."

"Maybe," she nodded. "Well, regardless, it happened and it's all up to you now. I think there was a reason why it all went tits up and you need to think before you make your next decision. I don't want to be a part of an argument like that again."

"No pressure," I spoke before a groan left my lips. Lifting up one of the pillows, I hid my face in it, wanting nothing more than to scream. This was such a horrible time in my life which sounds absolutely ridiculous but everything felt so shit.

Surprised that Katherine didn't bother me some more about Griffin, she spat out the question right as my mind wandered towards the witch. I rolled my eyes and refused to answer when she continued to bug me about all the things, we did over the Christmas break. She threatened me by saying she'd find Griffin herself and ask about it if she couldn't get anything out of me so in the end, I passed her my phone with the notes app open of the plan that we followed. There was mention of the Winter Wonderland, the bowling night, exploring London, going to Covent Garden, visiting the National Gallery, cooking and baking, I even dragged her to the clothes shop with me because I needed a new pair of jeans and with Nadine being mad at me, I had no one else to take along. Then we did random things like stood by the Big Ben and waited for the bell to strike on the hour and sat at Trafalgar Square to see which one of us would give in first and beg to go somewhere warm. At one point, I dropped the idea that we should go up the O2 but Griffin shut the idea down, saying there was no way she'd pay almost forty quid just to oversee London.

Talking about all the things we did—because Katherine asked a bunch of questions and for some reason, my mouth didn't know how to stay shut—made me feel the same way I did as I lived through these experiences. Free. Content. Excited. Warm. Doing something every day with someone who I did not know left a lot of options hanging in the air but in the best way possible. Some of my favourite memories were built around and with her and that made me feel confused. Scared. Unsure. It terrified me, to be completely honest. As I spent the last three years putting my energy into disliking her, I fear I kept myself from knowing a side of her that I now discovered.

"Can I suggest an idea?" Katherine glanced at me curiously. The tone of her voice, the look in her eyes, she was up to no good. Therefore, I was interested. I nodded and she took a deep breath. "It's a Friday and you're off of work. One of my friends took me to an exhibition a while back, it was free entry and even though I'm the least artistic person you'll ever meet, I enjoyed it. Now, on this little list, I see you two visited the galleries a few times. I think you should call Griffin and go with her."

"Yeah, no," I laughed at the joke she was telling me. But then she pouted, her eyes hardened and I knew she was being serious. She paid enough attention to gather that Griffin was the one who enjoyed looking at art because it definitely wasn't me who suggested the idea. I was just as talented at it and interested in the area as Katherine—so, not at all. It almost felt like she said that because she wanted me to check on the witch and also get me out of my sour mood. I fought it but even my best friend knew that Griffin Walker could make that happen. "Pretty sure she is back to hating me."

"I don't think she ever liked you to begin with," she teased me but there was some truth to that statement. I didn't think she ever liked me, either. Tolerated my presence? Most likely. Afterall, it was me who forced her to hang out. I was the one in desperate need of company in order to save myself from sinking deep into the hole that my girlfriend created. "But you need some time out. I'm assuming she needs some time out. Wesley tells me he's not seen her out in a long time which leads me to believe that she isn't doing any better than you."

"Why do you care?" I asked. A lot of different emotions ran through Katherine's face at the sound of my question.

"I don't."

"But?"

"You do," I raised my eyebrows at her, thinking she chatted absolute bullshit. I did not care. For all I knew, her and Nadine already sorted their feud. They may have fought like dogs but when push comes to shove, nothing can stand between those two. "Don't give me that look. I know you, Harry Styles."

"Well, I don't think you do," I argued and Kath rolled her eyes at me because we both knew that it wasn't true. Whether it was fortunate or unfortunate for me, she did know me. Perhaps better than anyone.

"Pull the stick out of your ass and take her to the exhibition," she patted my leg. "You can thank me later."