HARRY E. STYLES
June, 2020

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

This was not how I wanted to use up my sick holidays at work. However, the sad reality was, that I had to because mentally, I was elsewhere.

After they let me leave the hospital, Wesley and Katherine took me home. I didn't see Griffin, Callum or anyone else related to them before that happened. Even though they thought that was a good idea, to me, it felt almost like they abandoned me after everything that happened.

Especially Griffin.

We may not have ended things in the best position the last time we spoke but to me, it did not matter. Not when something like this happened. I couldn't have cared less about our argument or the reasons behind it.

I wanted to know she was okay. Wrap my arms around her tightly. Press my lips against her temple. Inhale the smell of her minty shampoo mixing with her perfume. Feel her warmth radiated. Her heart race as she is pressed against me. Hers fingers tangled in my hair—or fisting the shirt on my back.

Instead, she was miles away. Somewhere I was not. Her absence upset me to the point where I wondered if the way I felt was healthy.

Wes took a couple of days off, Katherine rescheduled her photoshoots. They both moved into my bedroom, sleeping by my side for the second night in a row. Although we barely fit in my bed, the three of us having to cuddle up to the point where Kath's face was in my neck and mine was in Wesley's as they sandwiched me up from both sides, it worked.

Sleep-wise, the past two nights were probably the calmest that I've had. Unsure of how to repay them or show how grateful I was for the fact that they were by my side, I ended up focusing on getting my shit together. Katherine reassured me, as she continued to take the piss out of me, that as my best friends, they have nothing else to do but make sure I am okay. Wesley agreed with her and added that the only thing they want in return is for me to get better.

Whilst Atkins left for the shop to buy some food, Katherine napped on the sofa in the living room. The latter wasn't planned since the movie was still playing on the TV. She must've been really tired if she managed to fall asleep. After I opened the fridge and found an unopened can of Red Bull, I took it out to the garden with me, gently closing the door to avoid disturbing my best friend's nap.

It rained all morning. Heavy droplets banged against my windowsill hours ago, waking me up from a deep slumber. Somehow, the wetness of the grass made the garden seem brighter, the wooden fence darker as the weather soaked it. Tilting the can of energy drink, the familiar taste filled my mouth instantly. Gulping down two or three sips, the bottom hit the glass table. Sitting out there with the cool wind licking my exposed arms, a shudder made my body jolt, my nipples hardening against the soft material of my cotton shirt. It helped my mind travel far away, somewhere much more tropical and happier.

To be perfectly honest, I did not feel ready to deal with things, or even address them. Trying my hardest to erase the past, it started to become difficult.

I didn't know how to erase Griffin.

Maybe I didn't want to get rid of her. Only the bad experiences. But somehow, all of them linked back to her.

And even if I wanted to cut ties with her for my own sanity, and safety, I knew it wouldn't work. She was the only person who could understand me.

Feeling the wind pick up, becoming stronger, I reached for my half empty can of Red Bull and headed inside. My body shivered as the door closed, keeping the blustery weather outside, then turned the key to lock it behind me, leaving a soft click noise to fade into the quietness of the house.

Not a moment later, it very much felt like I jinxed the state of the home. Wesley barged through the front door, kicking it behind him like it was a public toilet door. Dropping the bags on the counter, he almost seemed relieved to find me there and awake, someone to listen to his ramble beginning in three, two, one.

"You won't believe what I witnessed at the shop," he shook his head, not waiting for me to reply. "I was walking through the milk aisle because—oh, good, you're here, too," he interrupted himself, turning his head to look at a very tired Katherine.

"Try and not barge into the house like a fucking gorilla next time," she mumbled, sitting down. "Did you bring me a Galaxy?"

"Yeah," he nodded, sliding over the bar of chocolate. "Now, as I was saying, I was walking through the milk aisle because Miss Picky over here doesn't drink cow's milk, when someone's obnoxious laughter interrupted my search for almond milk."

"Did you find it?" Kath interrupted. Wes continued to pick things out from the bag, sliding the milk over the top. Our friend nodded, glad to finally have her choice of milk in the house. "Alright, who was laughing obnoxiously? Can you hurry up the story?"

"If you'd stop interrupting me, I could, yes," he spat, rolling his eyes. Katherine had done the same. But then she smiled. Okay.

Anyone else thought that was weird? Just me? Cool.

"As I was saying, I was walking through the milk aisle to find the almond milk when this obnoxious laughter filled half of the store. Now, I may have a selective hearing when it benefits me, but I just couldn't ignore this one," he told us the story, painting a picture so we could feel like we were there with him. "After I asked for a bit of help from one of the employees, they helped me to the almond milk section. I also asked which one to get if it's for a picky woman like our best friend and so, once that was in the trolley, my curiosity drove me out of the aisle."

"God, hurry up," Kath groaned, making me laugh.

"I went in the next aisle and as I moved my head, I saw Griffin," he spoke. His eyes travelled over to me but I quickly looked away, clearing my throat. "She was laughing at something and seeing her face, it clicked. I had a feeling I recognised the cackle from somewhere and then her face matched it," he said passionately. "Nevermind. She was there, laughing like she had no care in the world, with some man."

"Was it her cousin?" I wondered.

"No. I know what he looks like," he rolled his eyes. "It got me so mad because she was all happy and carefree and with some hot bloke when you are here, trying to recover, looking like shit, not leaving the house. I got so annoyed that I think I forgot half of the things I went to the shop for."

"I mean..." I scratched the back of my neck, not really knowing what to say. Somehow, I expected Griffin to put on a face, one that made everyone around her believe she was fine. That part didn't surprise me.

And honestly, after learning about how she's involved with dangerous people, the thought of her being with another man, did not shock me, either. Somehow, I just felt like it was some sort of security guard with her. Bet she needed those after everything that happened.

But of course, from Wesley's point of view, it wouldn't have made sense. They didn't know much about that kind of life. Then again, neither did I. We all only scratched the surface of something that rooted deeper than we could've imagined.

"I expected more from her," he shook his head. "She seemed to be all over you and now she just drops you? Don't get me wrong, she looked horrible—black eyes do not suit her. But she seemed too cheery for me to feel bad. I don't."

"Did you speak to her?" Katherine wondered, breaking up the chocolate bar. She popped a square in her mouth, chewing it. I looked back at Wes.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I think I looked at them for too long and too judgemental. The man practically broke his neck as he snapped it towards me. It was kind of like an instinct, I reckon but he pretty much murdered me on sight," he explained and it confirmed my theory.

Most likely security.

"So, you're mad because she's doing fine?" I asked. Both Katherine and Wesley looked at me as though the most ridiculous thing left my mouth. My friend made it sound like it should've bothered me like it bothered him.

Well, it didn't.

Hearing that she was doing well enough to go to the store made me feel relieved. There was not a moment I managed to spend without replaying her painful cries, her words begging for the torture to stop. Being on the receiving end of the actions had to have felt like her whole world was crumbling down, pushing her under heavy chunks of material that kept it up. Knowing that she was okay was everything that mattered to me.

Saying that, the fact that we haven't had the chance to talk yet was not something I liked. Granted, both of us should've been pulling the weight on this one, so it was just as much my fault as it was hers.

"You're not?"

Katherine chuckled, shaking her head the minute I looked at her. "He's in love with her. Have you not clocked on yet?"

Was I?

"That doesn't mean he can't be mad at her," Wes replied. "Whatever. It just really did my head-in. But it seems like it only got to me so maybe I'm the problem."

"At least you realised," she teased him, standing up with the chocolate in her hands.

He's in love with her.

He's in love with her.

He's in love with her.

Why was that so shocking to me? Why didn't that thought come knocking on my door sooner? Was it because my feelings weren't fully developed yet? Was it because I pushed it away, without even knowing?

Did I love Griffin Walker?

"Oh, boy," Wes sighed, making the dramatic comment. As it flew past his lips, my eyes connected to his face, wondering if he could tell, my mind got the better of me. "I didn't mean to say shit about her before. I know you like her and you have a thing or whatever. But to me, it just felt a little..."

"No, it's—it's fine. I'm not angry with you."

"Good. I don't want to meddle with your relationship."

"You didn't," I reassured him. "Not even sure it's a relationship, to be honest."

"Did she leave you in the fuck buddy zone?" he wondered, smirking as I nodded. "Yeah. Somehow, that just screams her name."

"I'm gonna go see her, I think."

"You sure?" he raised his eyebrow. "Think you can handle it? Her?"

"Left it too long, anyway."

Before I went back to my room, Wes told me I needed to do what I thought was the best for me. He let me know he trusts my judgement and that over the years, my maturity reached the bar where he can let me go and be on my own for things like this. Laughing at his stupid fucking comment, I closed my bedroom door and laid on my bed, reaching for my phone.

Spending twenty minutes typing then deleting to then retyping the same sentence, I finally finished it and pressed on the tiny blue arrow.

Hi. I was wondering if you're free today? I hope you are feeling better. H

For some reason, the thought of seeing her, made me panic. I wasn't sure if she'd be ready to meet up or even talk to me yet. A few days ago, when she made me leave her apartment, her heart broke because of my words. I said some pretty awful things to her, knowing that she'd spend a while thinking about them. My aim was to hurt her at the time and now, the guilt was clawing away at my insides.

Griffin Walker: yeah I'm free

Griffin Walker: I'm fine

Griffin Walker: you?

I was wondering if you wanted to meet up? I'd like to talk to you, if that's okay.

Griffin Walker: sure

Griffin Walker: where?

Wherever is fine with me. I can meet you at your place if that's most convenient for you?

Griffin Walker: yeah come over please?

Alright. I'll text you when I get there. H

Rather than using words, she sent me her Memoji sticker, the one with her thumbs up. Smiling as I put my phone down, I grabbed the yellow Adidas sweats I wore the other day, pairing it with a white band t-shirt. It wasn't really cold but also wasn't really sunny out there, plus most of my time would be spent inside my car.

Driving in heavy rain was oddly comforting. The windshield wipers moved at a rapid pace, clearing my view until the rain covered the window again. Car lights ahead turned blurry, the red and orangey-yellow tones looking less sharp than usual. Music playing along with the soft clicking sound of the indicator flicked on was a nice contribution. Bringing peacefulness to the situation, almost as though the world knew one of the hardest conversations was going to happen soon enough.

Mother nature always knew how to fit the surroundings to whatever was going on in my life. Saying that, the only time it really managed to surprise me was when Griffin and I had that very heated fight, standing in a bus stop.

Pulling up to the apartment complex, the car park seemed pretty empty. Picking a spot that was closest to the road, making it easy for me to cross and get out of the rain, I texted Griffin. Again, she sent me the same Memoji sticker as a reply.

The journey up to her floor was as quick as it normally was. She lived in, what I believed to be, the calmest apartment complex. The whole neighbourhood was pretty quiet, to be fair. Then again, I wasn't sure what I expected from such a luxurious part of where we lived. Sometimes, the thought of Griffin living here, didn't make sense. She was definitely not a materialistic person, I never thought she'd care too much about fancy things. Then again, people change and it's not necessarily a bad thing to like expensive stuff. If one can afford it, I don't see an issue behind buying it.

Almost as though she was listening for the lift, after a single knock of my knuckles, she opened the door.

I was stunned.

Her cheek was bruised and her bottom lip cut. She had a plaster over on her temple. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought she got into a fight with someone.

"Well, come on in, then," she stepped to the side. My eyes couldn't leave her face. Eyebrows bunched up in the middle of mine, thoughts racking in my head and wrecking it. "You're looking at me like I shaved my whole head."

"I just-,"

"You just?" she shut the door as she asked, almost chuckling.

"What happened to you?" I whispered, feeling my chest cave in at the sight of her. Noticing how much trouble she had walking, the state of her face, it was all too much. 'I'm fine' she said, while looking like this.

"Well, first, I was strangled against the wall when I got caught. Then, I was tasered—although that happened quite a lot. They also decided it was a great idea to use my shirt as a cleaning tool so they repeatedly kicked me in the stomach, then-,"

"Griffin, what the fuck?" I stopped her, completely mortified by the things she said. "I didn't want it detailed."

"You never specified," she shrugged, acting like this wasn't serious. She played it off like a joke, no doubt a coping mechanism for the horrible events she had to live through.

"How did they get to you? How did you get there?"

"Well, the day of our argument, Callum came to me with a job offer so we flew to France the next day. That night, Rachel texted him that you were missing. Naturally, the minute we landed in London, I had to take Devotion apart because no one was arsed," she told me, getting into the story very passionately. Her voice was wavering as she remembered the day like it was yesterday. "In the end, it didn't take me too long to connect the dots. The plan was going accordingly until it wasn't. Sorry we took too long to get you."

"What do you mean you took Devotion apart? And how did you figure out where I was?"

"I'm not sure how much your friends told you," she glanced at me from the couch. I sat across from her, at a healthy distance. Wasn't sure how close she wanted me to be. "But basically, Wesley was the one who checked the security camera footage you two have once he realised you were gone and with Katherine by his side, they demanded to talk to anyone who was willing to listen. I have no clue how Katherine knew to go to the club but once they gave it over to Rachel, she sent them home with the reassurance that you'll be fine. Even though Rachel didn't want to do anything until I was back in London, she pulled some things together which made my job easier."

"Katherine was there with me..." I started, looking away for a second. "When, um, when I followed you. Something happened that I haven't told you about. Plus, she was the one who listened to me when the idea of everything that went down was connected. She must've thought she'd find you at Devotion."

"What else happened that day?" she asked, not sure if she even wanted to know. Gnawing at my lips, she could tell that it was difficult to bring up. "You don't have to tell me. It's up to you."

"I think I should... I want us to talk about everything."

"Okay... go ahead. Take your time," she reassured me with a nod, leaning back to get comfortable. How was she handling this so well? She had to have been involved in things like this for quite some time now to be so calm and collected, to remain so strong during everything that happened. She was bruised and yet, she did not wince once. "Do you want to check my face to see that I'm fine?"

"What?"

"C'mere," she sighed, sitting closer. If I hadn't already, then I got a good whiff of her. It just smelled like Griffin. A mix of her clothes, her shampoo, her natural scent, her perfume. I didn't realise how much I've missed it.

"What's with your leg?" I asked, glancing down at the stretched-out limb. "And why couldn't you walk properly before? Are you okay?"

Barely touching her, my thumb ran over her bruised skin, under the cut lip, the tender parts of her face. She held her breath back, her eyes remaining on me as she let me look at her and take it all in.

"I've got pills to help with any pain, I'm fine, I told you," she pressed. "I got what I deserved. You shouldn't worry about me."

"What do you mean you got what you deserved? No one deserves to be beaten."

"Unfortunately for me, that is the case amongst these people," she told me. "Although it was never my intention to leak into this life, I did. With that comes rules, followed by consequences."

"What did you do that led them to making you scream like that? What did you do that led them to making you beg for them to stop hurting you?" I asked her, feeling the anger rise and burn up my body. "They put you on the phone and they—they used you to get me to tell them where Nadine is. Who, by the way, I had no idea was of importance to people like them? I mean, what the fuck is going on?"

"They figured out I knew something I shouldn't have, on top of you getting involved. You are an outsider, making you a threat. They didn't like that or the fact that it was covered up—even though, they've been trying to track you for some time now. I just paid for my mistakes," she shrugged, not wanting to look at me. My attention, however, did not leave her face. "As for Nadine... I'm still trying to figure it out."

"Is that why the man who was following you that day held me at gunpoint? Because I put my nose somewhere it didn't belong by follow you?"

"He what?" she shrieked, looking at me with widened eyes. "He pulled his gun on you?"

"It was a couple of minutes."

"I don't give a fuck how long it was—Jesus... he knows who you are... I'm—I'm so sorry, I don't know what he thought..."

"You know the man?"

"Yes. He's been assigned to me for months now," she sighed. "The day you followed me, he told me someone was on our trail. Not thinking too much about it, I told him to sort it out. I called him when he was taking too long."

"That was you on the phone to him..." I mumbled, coming to the realisation that I was right all along. Hearing it from her and figuring it out at the place they kept me, was different. Somehow more shocking. "Fuck."

"I'm sorry, Harry," she repeated. "I mean it. If I knew it was you-,"

"You couldn't have changed what happened. It was my fault, anyway," I shook my head. "I made the choice to follow you. I put myself in danger."

"It happened because of me. Again," she spoke. Anger was apparent like in my voice. She also sounded hurt. Guilty. Confused. Lost. It all felt too familiar. "You got taken because of me. You got hurt because of me. You ended up in the hospital because of me. It all leads back to me and I can't understand how you're even here right now. You should be keeping your distance, moving to a different city—hell, a different country to get away from me."

"Griffin..." I reached for her hand, only to have her pull away. Making my heart ache, she stood up and walked away from the couch. I watched as she went over to the kitchen, her movements slow and calculated. She was breathing at a slow rhythm, almost like it hurt her to exist.

"You can't sit there and tell me you don't believe it's my fault. You just cannot do that, Harry," she argued her point, pouring herself a shot before she threw her head back to take it.

"You shouldn't be drinking if you're on meds."

"Like you believe I take them," she scoffed. "Look, I don't know where to begin to explain everything. But I know that I owe it to you."

"Start at the beginning. That's the easiest."