─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

❝ Deep down, I was afraid that I might be a worthless person. That's why I pretended not to know anything and that I wasn't interested at all ❞ ― Choi Ung, Our Beloved Summer

☘️

C H A P T E R F O U R

FLASHBACKS FROM LAST NIGHT FAST-FORWARD in Changmin's mind, and the memory of him calling out to their university's soccer star player hits him. He covers his face with his hands, fuming hot cherry red in humiliation.

Pretending he doesn't remember what happened last night is the best way to save further embarrassment. It has to be. Sure, he might have a little to drink―fine make that a little too much, but to address the most iconic lines in dramas, who would have thought?

What a perfect way to begin the day, he thinks.

Two blocks from the apartment complex his friends reside, the dancer stops dead in his tracks.

Changmin's heart rips in half, watching his crush kissing a stranger (probably a classmate) and the plastic grocery bag in his hand drops on the roadside, tearing open.

Bread packaged in low-density polyethylene, three cartons of milk, korean fish cakes, and short-grain white rice sit depressed.

Changmin wasn't supposed to run into the golden boy on the basketball team.

He did not expect Hyunjae to be outside late at night though it was midnight.

Walking away should have been easy. Ignoring should have been easy.

Smiling through the pain should have been easy.

But none of that wasn't.

When Changmin arrives at Sunwoo's shared apartment with Haknyeon, sending him a text that he's arrived, the door opens. Changmin steps inside. "Do you want to order tteokbokki and fried chicken? And maybe watch classical romance hits?"

Sunwoo freezes, flabbergasted. "What?"

Light snores trail from the bedroom where Haknyeon is sleeping, and the sophomore college students turn around, their gazes meeting one another's. Horror isn't an option, considering how his auburn best friend would scream and experience a nightmare. 

"I'm ordering."

Not even five minutes pass by and Sunwoo observes him with concern. It's not like him to visit him in the middle of the night. 

Kevin, oh god, Kevin―he must be worried and waiting for Changmin.

Sunwoo, still confused, watches Changmin place an order, tone friendly and straightforward. There's something wrong and he does not want to assume, but when he catches his gaze, it all makes sense.

The city is asleep but the dancer is wide awake, heartbroken. The wound in his chest is far too deep, and it hurts so much that he can feel his pulse reverberate underneath his jaw. Taste the invisible tears rolling down his cheeks. 

He's so scared to show the part of him that's vulnerable to emotions to feel emotions and pretending he doesn't care makes it easier. Every time he sees someone or hears the word death on their tongue, blood surges fast through his veins.

His heartbeat races against time, memories of the past flashing the crystal-blue ocean flickering from the sunlight across his eyes. His mom's voice rings in his ears as she's asking him to stay away from the currents.

Changmin laughed until it was screams and cries. 

The nightmares of him unable to save her haunt him, endlessly, almost as if he has no control over his thoughts. Changmin wasn't there like a lifeguard should be, rushing to the rescue before someone drowns, and it's over.

He wasn't there for his mom. He couldn't be there. He couldn't save his mom because he believed her words to stay away and hold on.

She lied when she said she was fine. Sometimes, he thinks if he realized she was lying, she wouldn't have died.

Kyong danced with the oceans' waves and disappeared behind the sunset, leaving a written letter in a bottle that read find solace within yourself. Love and create yourself; however, if you find the one, then never let them go.

Changmin wasn't sure he could do the last one.

Changmin never had it easy. No one in the world does. 

Nothing is easy is an understatement that serves two purposes. 

One, to keep going and to believe that whatever happens is for the better. Two, to gain courage, learn to take risks, become self-sufficient, and be always kind.

Nothing is easy, it's easier said than understood.

"Are you okay? I mean, valid because it's midnight. A midnight snack can't hurt," Sunwoo laughs, an awkward smile breaking on his lips. He's quiet as he notices the tension in Changmin's shoulders, hands planted on the kitchen island. 

"Who hurt you?" He says softly, voice dripping with concern.

Changmin can only nod and takes a shaky breath, tears escaping the rim of his eyes. He turns to look at Sunwoo. "I know I'm invisible to him and nothing more than a junior to his senior," the words leave his mouth so easily like he's immune to getting hurt over and over again. 

"But, what did I ever do to deserve a crush like that though he also makes my heart skip a beat? Maybe I'm not letting go of these feelings and keep pretending that one day―" he shifts his gaze to the floor. Then, he looks at him, eyes a rainstorm full of hot tears.

"Changmin, you know that's not true. You've made it this far so you will again," Sunwoo reassures, "Has Hyunjae for once ever looked at you, talked to you, like get to know you?"

"No," Changmin says, voice fragile."I can't stop―"

"Forget that. Forget him. You deserve better."  Sunwoo's fists are clenched. "It killed me when Hyunjae was with Kevin, too, you know?"

Silence.

Changmin and Sunwoo hold each other's eyes, searching for something that would make everything alright. And then Changmin walks over to Sunwoo, wrapping his arms around him, holding him tight, resting his head on his chest. 

"I'm sorry I forgot you like Kevin," his words echo in the auburn's ears.

Sunwoo encloses his arms around Changmin. "We don't apologize in this house, remember?" A chuckle escapes his mouth.

Because apologies are never apologies until one learns their lesson. Sunwoo pulls away, flickering his gaze to catch Changmin's tear-stained cheeks. "Better?" He asks.

Changmin nods. A smile tugs at his lips, but it's forced, barely lifting.

"I think we should begin our movie marathon."

"10 things I hate about you?"

"You know it."

. . .

AFTER THE CHEMISTRY LECTURE ENDS, students inpack their backpacks, ask last questions about the lecture, exam dates, and assignments. The intense lecture covered atoms and their properties distracted the brunette from last night's tragedy of heartbroken music playlists he'd slow-danced to. 

Ji Changmin dances and loves the expression of art, but the past still whispers to him, and he's afraid of letting go of the one precious memory he has of his mom. 

Yet again, dancing is the expression of the art of letting go. 

Of staying in the moment and feeling emotions. All of which, he no longer loves because he's afraid the past will catch up to him. 

He walks out of the lecture hall and stumbles backward, falling into a pair of arms catching him from behind. 

His eyes are trained on the boy with ebony hair walking beside the taller boy dressed in a white suit―perhaps he has a special event to attend today. His heart stutters a bit, shock traveling through his skin. 

The next second he spots the captain of the basketball team. He turns around to find the soccer player. Changmin reaches to the collar of Youngjae's hoodie and pulls him close.

He knows how stupid this will sound, but life is about taking risks.

"Kiss me. Like right now," Changmin says in a rushed tone, and blushes, cheeks burning.

A U T H O R ' S  N O T E

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Okay, is no one going to mention how sad this chapter is?  What do you think about the end of this chapter and why Changmin asked Eric that?

Also, I apologize I took so long to update, and still was not able to update on Wednesday. 

I wanted to and hoped I could, but writing is hard, and I need to prioritize my sleep. I do love to write, to get my imagination on paper, and read other stories or works. This is unedited, so if you find any mistakes, let me know. However, it is also important to take care of ourselves.

So, tell me. How are you?

If you enjoyed reading as much I enjoyed writing despite the struggle, please let me know what you think in the comments, and leave a vote. It would make me happy and help other people find this book!